Scared to try again

Cahanson816

Hello,

 My name is Cat I'm 28 years old and had a miscarriage at 5 weeks in May.
 My story is a little complicated and I don't know what to do to feel better at this point because I feel like it's my fault. 
 My Story begins in February of 2016 when my husband and I first started trying to conceive that quickly was put on hold when I started having stomach issues in March. I went to the doctor and had to meet with a Gastroenterologist and scheduled my colonoscopy and endoscopy for April 8th the endoscopy biopsy showed that I had a stomach infection called H. Pylori. I was put on an aggressive antibiotic called Pylera. We were no longer trying to conceive at this point but they did give me a pregnancy test before I started the pills just in case (it was a urine test not a blood test) it was negative). I also did a home pregnancy test on April 25th the day before I was supposed to get my period and it was negative as well. The next day came April 26th and I started spotting very lightly and this continued for four days so I chalked it up to being my period and the antibiotics were somehow affecting it. My aggressive 10 day, 14 pills per day regimen  finally came to an end on May 2nd and I was feeling a lot better.... That is until May 8th when I started spotting again which is odd for me and I was very confused so I took a pregnancy test and it came up positive! It came up positive on the 9th as well but later that night that's when the bleeding got really bad. I had the worst cramps imaginable and was bleeding heavier than a normal heavy period. I want to the hospital and they tested my HCG levels and I was in fact pregnant but miscarrying. They said it was a natural miscarriage and told me that the antibiotic I was taking could have caused it but there is never a definite cause for a miscarriage. Needless to say I feel distraught and entirely at fault for the miscarriage.
 Anyway I was starting to feel better, or so I thought until 2 days ago when I got my first post miscarriage period. It just seems to be some sort of dark reminder of what I had but lost.
 Nobody really seems to understand the pain I'm feeling. I just keep getting told to try again like it's that easy... I have so many unanswered questions like did I really cause the miscarriage by taking those pills and not knowing that I was pregnant? I had a preconception visit in January and they said everything was fine but did they not catch something that's wrong with my body? Can my body not carry a baby? I just feel trapped in this web of the unknown and guilt and just simply terrified of getting pregnant again and miscarrying.

Pleaaaasssee help me! If anyone can just relate to me or just give me some guidance it would be very much appreciated because I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you<3
Xoxo
Cat

rainbowturtles

First, I'm very sorry for your loss. Second, I'm surprised your doctor would say it was because of the antibiotics because I don't think there's any way they could know that, especially without any testing. Please don't blame yourself. There are many possible reasons for miscarriage and most are out of your control.

PattersRN

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I also had a loss at 5 weeks after 8 months of trying and it affected me more than I thought it would.  Please know that it's not your fault.  Miscarriages are so common early on and they can happen for so many reasons, usually it's a chromosomal abnormality.  I know it's hard to wrap your brain around that sometimes.  I sometimes have a creeping thought that mine was caused by going out to play tennis with my husband (I started spotting when I got home and miscarried the next day).  I know that's not a realistic thought, but it still creeps into my head.  There isn't any way of knowing if the medication is what caused it and you have no indication that you won't be able to get pregnant in the future.  I did a lot of reading after my loss and recurrent losses are relatively rare.  Most women that miscarry go on to have a healthy pregnancy.  Those statistics helped give me some hope, though I know if I get pregnant again I will probably still worry.  Sending good thoughts your way

fiorip

I'm very sorry for your loss. I will tell you that sadly there is just no way of knowing whether the antibiotics caused you to miscarry or if it was just a natural miscarriage. But rest assure that whatever happened was not you fault. Miscarriages happen to healthy people for no particular reason, I've had a first trimester loss and two second trimester losses and I have been tested for everything you can possibly imagine and it's all negative, doctors were not able to determine what has caused three consecutive miscarriages. They have all been very different from one another too, it's been proven I don't have any medical condition with studies and testing and the clinical presentation of my miscarriages. I bring this up not to scare you but to ease you, so you don't think that there's anything wrong with you, THINGS HAPPEN, that's life, good things and crappy things. 

You're right, nobody can relate to being through this unless you've lived it yourself. Be kind to yourself, and just take the time to heal emotionally before you try again, it's not easy, I'm not there myself, but in time you'll be ready.  

Cahanson816

Thank you ladies so much for your responses. I relate to your stories and my heart truly aches for you. We spend most of our lives trying to avoid pregnancy and when you are ready it seems like it takes forever to happen and you never prepare yourself for the possibility of loss until it actually happens to you. I'm going to take some time for myself and really try to stop blaming myself. I wish you both healthy pregnancies and you will be in my prayers. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read my post and reach out to me because it really did help. 

JDMRS

I am so sorry for your loss. I empathize completely with you. I still have days when I feel like I did something wrong. People say some terrible things when you have a miscarriage, and now that I am almost 3 months away from the day there wasn't a heartbeat, I realize a lot of people don't know what to say, and they themselves are afraid of the idea of a miscarriage. So they say the stupidest things, because they cannot understand the magnitude of our losses, and the depth of our pain. I admit, until I went through it, I didn't understand it, and I probably said something stupid to someone at one point. Take all of the time you need to heal. Try and see if you can find out what it is you need to heal. I personally benefited from therapy and speaking to the rector of my church.  And to be honest, I am terrified of getting pregnant again. We are trying again but part of me is just so, so afraid that something will go wrong again. Good luck and I hope you find this board as comforting and helpful as I have. 

Cmckenzie

I am very sorry for your loss. My first loss was In July of 2013. I did a pregnancy test and it was negative, so I went to a fair and rode all kinds of ride and was thrown all over the place.  A few days later I felt odd so I took another test, it was positive. I was so excited!!! The next day I started bleeding. It has been three years and I can't pretend I don't still wonder. The doctors all say that there are many reasons and I probably didn't cause it, but that doesn't change anything. I can say that being cautious has not caused better results though. I think i will always be sad and wonder, but still move forward.

mistyrosefdl

Hi Cat! 

Im honestly glad I found this post.. My story is so similar to yours, so I will share it. Also, this is my first post here. (not sure what happened with my post! I'll rewrite it) I got pregnant in April, and around the 5 week mark I got extremely sick with a kidney infection. I went to the ER and they put me on keflex. I had to take it four times a day and also take Tylenol to bring my fever down. My fever was 101. After my fever broke and I was starting to feel better. I started spotting. I went to two different hospitals and at one they did an ultrasound. I got to see the heart beat etc and I was given hope. However, that following Monday the inevitable happened and I miscarried. It was really sad and a horrifying experience. The doc who confirmed my miscarriage said that my fever/sickness MAY have contributed to the mc, but usually it's a developmental problem. There was no way to truly tell. I also had just gotten my first period yesterday since the mc happened. I was actually happy to get it because it was a reminder that my body is still healthy and having a healthy cycle and I will try again after. Talking to my friends who had mc before really helped me and gave me hope. Try again when you feel ready, try not to give up hope! Hope this all helps you