I'm a crappy mom — The Bump
May 2016 Moms

I'm a crappy mom

I'm 36 years old and a FTM. Never in my life have I been around kids, much less infants in any fashion. Ever. When I became pregnant with my son, I was overjoyed and so protective. I prayed so much for my son to be born well. My prayers were answered and I gave birth to my son 11 days ago.

Now, I knew that raising a baby was hard work. I knew he'd be fussy and so forth. But I just never expected to feel so negative about it.

My son sleeps poorly at night. He'll look pained as if he has gas and sleeps by making straining/grunting noises. He wakes himself up a lot. The first few nights, he wouldn't sleep for 3 hours straight. It became so awful that I decided to leave the bedroom at night and get MY 6-7 hours of sleep. My husband, a God-sent angel, said he didn't mind taking the night shift by himself. He says he loves his son that much that he doesn't mind. It made me feel like a crap of a mother.

Today, my son was fussy all day and I ended up letting my Mom take over and I locked myself in my office to cry. I felt like I didn't want to do this anymore. I told my husband, I'll cook, clean, do your laundry, take care of ANYTHING in the house as long as you deal with the fussy baby. He said that that was fine, he would raise our child - after all, lots of single parents do it by themselves. Again, I felt like crap. I'm the mother. I should be sharing baby duties with him.

My husband has been the one running on 3-4 hours of sleep per day. He's the Mom in this entire scenario; I appear to be the dad.
I did talk to my doctor about PPD, but she's hesitant to prescribe anything since it's so soon after birth. She just thinks I'm overwhelmed. So I can't do anything until at least 3-4 weeks, when the baby blues supposedly  subside.

I feel so selfish - my son isnt that bad compared to other situations. At most, he's just fussy. He doesn't scream, he just cries here and there. I just get frustrated because I want things to be easy. I'm an introvert and I want me time. And I don't want to deal with this hard stuff.

I'm a crappy mom. Sorry, I just needed to talk.
Nicbert1214

Re: I'm a crappy mom

  • I can't even tell you how many times during pregnancy, labor, and parenthood I've had that exact same thought- I want out. I want someone else to do this hard work. I want a break from the pain, sickness, exhaustion, etc. I have days where I have this weird feeling like I want to be a child so that I don't have to do any thn and everyone will just take care of me, which is actually ridiculous because my mom was/ maybe is still insane and my childhood was really rough. It doesn't make you a crappy mom to want to opt out of tough shit, it makes you a human person. And it sounds like you have really good support to get you through these particularly hard & hormonal early days, so now you need to work on giving yourself permission to feel your feelings and not worry about what it means in terms of your larger relationship to motherhood. Truly, give it a week or two and it may get better on its own- I feel 1000x better than I did two weeks ago, and my baby is 4.5 weeks old. Things haven't gotten objectively any easier (they've actually gotten harder and my husband is about to move across the country so they will only get harder) but I feel like a fog has been lifting from my brain, and hopefully you'll feel that way soon too. And if you don't, you'll talk to your doctor again and address the issue. But either way, it is going to get easier and you will eventually feel better, I promise. 

    CharissadeatsBluejay3030littlebb22folamij
  • I have a two year old and a 3 week old. Since my first was born, I often feel like I just want it to be easy and don't want to be involved in the hard parts. At the same time, I am
    obsessed with my children and parenthood is incredibly rewarding. I have an incredibly supportive husband and mother and family. The hard parts become more tolerable and in the end, the good wins out. You are not a bad mother. And if you feel you need meds or help for PPD, seek help. Just know you are not alone. 




  • Agree with PP.

    What helped me was finding the things that allow me to still feel like me. DH isn't nearly as awesome as yours in terms of assisting with night duty, but gives me a break to take a leisurely shower. Between that and taking LO on a daily outing (such as coffee shop or library), which LO typically sleeps through, I feel more like me. Sleep also helps A LOT.

    You'll get through this! Keep on your dr if you're not feeling better soon though. You owe it to yourself and LO.
    Charissadeatsthismakes4lizChesnut
  • I've been there too. I also have an amazing husband that understands my breaking points and has taken over numerous times. We have started splitting the night up into shifts. I take the early half (until 2/2:30ish) and he takes over until 6/6:30ish. This has helped a lot as we realized that we both need a 3-4 hour stretch of sleep. I was feeling really stressed and overwhelmed the last couple weeks but my girl and I finally started getting the hang of it once my husband went back to work. Take little victories each day. And know it's ok if they cry for awhile. If you need to go to the bathroom, put the baby down and go. They will be ok. 
    dshannah
  • With my first, at 11 days postpartum, I could have written the exact same thing. I promise you it will get better and your feelings are normal! The huge change of having a baby and the sleep deprivation are no joke! Take care of yourself!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    Bluejay3030Kennedy0830
  • With my first, at 11 days postpartum, I could have written the exact same thing. I promise you it will get better and your feelings are normal! The huge change of having a baby and the sleep deprivation are no joke! Take care of yourself!
    Same here.  You're not alone in feeling this way!  It gets better, and the proof is in those of us who have come back for more after having these same feelings.  Hang in there, and take help however you can to survive.
    hellogoodbye2
  • You're not a bad mom. The fact that you're worried about it proves that fact. I think there's definitely a shock factor to becoming a parent and everyone deals with it differently, but your baby needs a healthy mom too so taking care of yourself is essential. It can be overwhelming feeling like this tiny human depends on you for everything but like PPs have said, it gets much better and there will always be challenging days but they come in phases and you can be certain the tough days won't be constant for long. 
  • You are not alone. I've been suffering from a great many feelings of inadequacy and also been relying on my husband when he is home for some additional care especially for the overnights as I've been getting up to pump and therefore he's getting up to bottle feed and soothe her.

    That being said, keep an open dialogue with your doctor as you potentially could benefit from treatment in the future if things don't become more manageable. 

    It is really really hard work, and like you I thought I was prepared for it. And I really just wasn't.
    khochanadel
  • Thanks everyone.
    Today, I had horrible thoughts. I woke up feeling horrible dread (after my 7 hours of sleep) and said to myself "I don't want to do this. Not today. Not ever." And I shut the door so that my DH can take care of baby when he wakes up instead of me taking over the shift. Then today at Walmart, I told him that I didn't want to do this anymore. I also said, upon arriving home, that "I don't want to go back to the baby." He was so startled and said it was obvious that this was not baby blues anymore and to call immediately for medication. i will likely do so tomorrow.
    Nicbert1214
  • Hugs @Delitachan! I hope you can start feeling better soon. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to reiterate that you are not alone in feeling like that. The transition into motherhood is hard, but it will get easier. 

  • @saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.
  • I finally went to the doctor and got prescribed Pristiq. This after I spent the last two days just crying in the closet. Everytime baby gets fussy, I just want to run out of the room. I feel enormous guilt making my husband care for the baby 24/7. He says he doesn't mind and loves it. He melts looking at baby's eyes. I feel vacant when I do that. I even wished I could hire a nanny to do the raising for me.  All that makes me happy is being enclosed in a room away from the baby.
  • yogahhyogahh member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    @saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.
    Sorry to jump in... But try Facebook. My neighborhood has a local moms group on fb that I follow. I'm not good at meeting new people, so I haven't gone to a meet up yet, but it's good to know there is an option to make mommy friends in my area. 

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  • yogahh said:
    @saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.
    Sorry to jump in... But try Facebook. My neighborhood has a local moms group on fb that I follow. I'm not good at meeting new people, so I haven't gone to a meet up yet, but it's good to know there is an option to make mommy friends in my area. 
    This and also check your hospital
    LFAF Dec 2016 Awards: Queen of All the Food; LFAF PopTart Packer; Most Vulnerable & True to Self
    Married: Oct 20, 2013
    BFP Aug 31, 2015
    EDD: May 12, 2016
    DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016


    An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
  • @saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.
    One of the libraries I used to work at has a "babygarten" class/activity group that meets once a week for moms of kids 0-6 months. It's free as long as you have a library card. I'm planning on joining as soon as Em has had her shots, so I can be around other new moms in the same position I am. The one I last worked at had a similar program, too (though that's a further commute than I'm willing to make anytime soon). Maybe yours has something similar?
    Pregnancy Ticker

  • yogahh said:
    @saladflambe How do you find a new moms group? I've been struggling to find a way to get connected with others as most kid activities I've found are meant for toddlers and up. I've even asked around my church to see if there's a way of getting involved over the summer, but nope! I didn't realize how much I had counted on work for socialization.
    Sorry to jump in... But try Facebook. My neighborhood has a local moms group on fb that I follow. I'm not good at meeting new people, so I haven't gone to a meet up yet, but it's good to know there is an option to make mommy friends in my area. 
    This and also check your hospital
    I went to a new moms group sponsored by my hospital and it has been great. I also have trouble meeting new people but this has been enormously helpful. 
  • Thank you ladies! Sorry for hijacking this thread!
  • Thank you ladies! Sorry for hijacking this thread!
    My birth center has a baby clinic where they weigh your baby and then the moms usually hang out after. It was so awesome!
    there also might be a fit moms club type thing in your town- mine has a stroller walk group I'm gunna check out this weekend. It is hard to meet other moms! 
    bkjade
  • I second everything pp have said- library story hour, your hospital, any sort of birthing/ breastfeeding support center. Also, if you're looking for one specifically targeted towards moms struggling with PPD/PPA, check the website www.postpartumprogress.com and babybluesconnection.org, they both have lists of groups by state and you may find one in your area. 

  • ChristilynwChristilynw member
    First Anniversary First Comment Photogenic
    edited June 2016
    My boy was the same way. I breastfeed him (nurse and pump) and supplement with formula. Upon recommendation from a friend who went through the same thing (and after the ok from my pediatrician) I switched his formula from the purple container of Enfamil for gassy fussy babies (it didn't help) to NUTRAMIGEN formula for lactose intolerant babies. It's in a gold container also by Enfamil. It's about $13 more than the other formula but worth it. It's made such a difference. Give it a try. You can find it at some Walmarts and at Target. I also cut out dairy from my diet since I'm still nursing, too. Good luck.
  • @Delitachan

    I just got caught up on the announcements thread, and saw that you were in the hospital for two days with jaundice!

    That same thing happened to me and I was told (thankfully--because then I knew to expect it) that having that NICU experience shortly after L&D is a major, major predictor of PPMD's. It's an early and violent shock into the reality of parenthood, and a far cry from what any of us envision, so the disconnect between hope and reality is far more pronounced, and seems to trigger PPMDs.

    I'm glad you are getting meds, and that will hopefully sort things out, but I thought that maybe knowing about the connection between PPD and NICU or PICU stays would also help, because even though PPD strikes often at random, sometimes there are likely triggers present that help us recognize its not just that we won/lost some random lottery, or that our brain chemistry is fundamentally prone to it, but that our experiences have led us to it. And it's logical, which makes this seemingly illogical phenomenon more manageable, imho.

    I remember feeling that vacancy when I looked into my son's eyes, and it's terrifying. Mine was likely triggered by the PICU stay and my lactation issues. But it's gone now (6 weeks postpartum) and I am loving my little boy fiercely, in a way I feared in those first few weeks that I never would.

  • @Delitachan I was on Pristiq before and it helped me so much! I'm not sure if they told you, but it's better to take at night because it can cause dizziness. Also, do NOT stop it cold turkey when you feel you don't need it. If you miss more than a few days it makes you feel really weird.
    *Siggy Warning*
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

  • It's my first day on Pristiq and so far nothing (not that I expected it to work).  But here I am locked in my office again.
    Dear son has thrust, according to the doctor. So he's getting meds and it explains why he's been so fussy lately. Especially at feeding time. Today he screamed bloody murder for his bottle. I gave it to him and he screamed afterward. I know he's in pain from the thrush, but I felt my anxiety levels rise again. So my sleep-deprived DH has the baby now. I couldn't stay there.
    I hate myself for this.
  • @Delitachan Most antidepressants take a couple of weeks to work. Hang in there!
    lalala2004
  • Yes, it takes time to get into your system. I hope it helps you like it helped me. Antidepressants can be tricky. Just remember that you feeling this way is not your fault. Some things can just throw our bodies out of balance, and it's usually just temporary.
    *Siggy Warning*
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

    dshannah
  • I would also say antidepressants/mood stabilizers take slow to work. When I was on them before my BFP I didn't notice a change until I had a very stressful day and didn't bipolar all over the place (as I call it).

  • Yeah day 3 and the only thing I notice is marked insomnia. I get 4 hours per night (I don't sleep in the same room as baby).
  • NB817NB817 member
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    Have things gotten any better? Update?

    ME: 35 DH: 39

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    dshannahJenly17kitandcat
  • So far, doing okay.
    I'm no longer depressed - that ended when I went back to work. I feel busy and full of energy now. I stopped taking meds cold turkey and decided that that was enough. I can't be depressed.

    I still have some anxiety around my son but it's not as bad. Hubs still watches baby at night, but baby and I hang out more often. And despite it all, he loves me a lot. He watches for me, squeals and kicks when I talk. He must have forgiven me for the past.
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