Newbie - to the board and infertility. First IUI. *Step-Child Mentioned*

Isthisthereallife

Hi everyone,

My name is Toni and I'm very new here. I am 29 years old and my husband is 30. I started watching the blog probably about a month ago, however, didn't have the courage to post until today. I'm not great with all the acronyms yet so bear with me.

My husband and I have been trying for about a year. Before we were ever married, we knew that there was an issue as he has retrograde ejaculation caused by diabetes (which is actually what helped us diagnose the diabetes). Now, his diabetes is well controlled, and HOPEFULLY, almost reversed. The retrograde, however, has remained. From what I understand, retrograde ejaculation is pretty uncommon. It is caused when the nerve endings in bladder sphincter do not function properly and the ejaculate redirects into the bladder instead of out. 

I'm not sure what I was thinking when we first contacted the fertility specialist - but I kind of felt like this wasn't real, or it wasn't for us. We're relatively young, newly weds. My husband and his ex had a daughter 9 years ago whom I see as my own. Infertility isn't something that we would be going through....yet there we were. Sitting in the office discussing our sex life, our reproductive organs, and my period. It seemed so unreal. I also figured that we'd go in, tell them we had retrograde and boom, he'd fix it, we'd be pregnant, and that was it. That was 8 months ago, and I was really naive. 

So obviously we first started with the tests, mine and his. We were sitting in the room waiting for the results - I'll never forget it. The doctor said, "everything with you is perfect, it's good to be 28 in this office. Your husband, however, has low T, low sperm count, his motility is low, and obviously the retrograde". That night when we got home, my husband asked me if I still loved him...and I swear I felt my heart break. 

Anyways, 8 months worth of highs and lows - trying to get his numbers to where we need to be. Our doctor said we're in an "okay" place. His numbers are infinitely better than what they were, but, not perfect. 7 million sperm count, 75% motility. We're scheduled do to an IUI at my next cycle. Frankly - I'm terrified. I've read so much about what all you ladies have been through, and I feel so, emotionally unprepared. 

We don't talk about this with anyone. Not even my closest friends know. I don't want anyone to judge him, or make him feel less of a man. I'm sure they wouldn't - but I don't know. My husband is not the most communicative person so I carry so much of this alone. I'm afraid to tell him how scared I am. I'm afraid of what if it it doesn't work? I'm so afraid of the hormones and the unknown. But I'm so desperate to have what seemingly everyone around me gets so easily.

Is this normal? I'm sorry if this isn't the right place for a newbie like me - I just don't know where else to turn.

AandDM2014

Welcome! I'm sorry you have to be here, but this is the right place for you! I'm also sorry that your DH felt like you wouldn't love him anymore because of his test results. I can't even imagine feeling that way! Hopefully he knows now that this won't affect your relationship.

cmm012

Hi Tori.  You are definitely in the right place.  An IUI could certainly help things since the problem is on the male side.  You should also think about how many IUI's you want to try before you move on to something more aggressive.  Of course the IUI's could work amazingly well for you.  I can understand being scared.  I remember when I first posted on this board, it felt unreal.  like, "I can't believe I'm actually here."  But, this board has been so good to me.  I've gotten tons of support and have tried to support others as well.  You have to have faith that eventually, you will get your baby.  It might take a while, but he or she will come.

Isthisthereallife

Thank you. He does, I think it's just hard on everyone. Does anyone else have husbands or partners who maybe don't talk about their feelings often?

Isthisthereallife

Thank you, @cmm012
I hope to find and provide support here, also! Our doctor suggested that we do no more than 4 IUI's. If those don't work, we move onto IVF. He also said that if it didn't work after 2 - it was unlikely to. That being said, it looks like there have been many people here who have had way more than that. I assume it is case specific. I also that some women did IUI's without med, where as he is starting me on hormones, shots (I don't remember the names of them), and a trigger shot. Hopefully that will help the chances. 

wifeinraleigh28

Oh hun, I feel you.  My DH also has low T and low sperm count and I swear it breaks my heart every time he beats himself up over it.  Like you, all my testing is perfect.  It's been about 7 months since we first started treatments (similar to you) and it has been a f*&%ing rollercoaster every step of the way.  My husband saw a urologist who put him on clomid, and that seemed to help initially and now it's just plummeted.  He feels like crap all the time because the clomid is no longer helping his T level but he's afraid to go back on the supplement he was on before all of this (androgel) because it can make you completely sterile and we are about to start IVF (so we need swimmers!)  Meanwhile throughout the last 6 months we gave 3 IUIs a try (meaning we were both taking hormones, yikes).  It all is so hard and I often feel so alone in this too.  And each negative has been SO hard on my DH because he feels responsible for them all.  I wish he didn't feel that way.

Anyway, welcome.  I'm here if you would like to talk to someone who understands.

bai-by2019

Infertility is such a crazy, complicated thing.  Like the others said, you are definitely in the right place.  I'm 36 and my husband and I have been trying for a year.  It's really hard to talk to friends and family about it because it's embarrassing and they don't understand or know what to say and it can be really hard when people say things like "Oh, it'll happen when it happens.  Just relax."  Yeah right!  LOL!  Like we didn't already know that.

I highly recommend talking openly with your husband.  This experience can bring you together or pull you apart.  I know how he feels because I am the one causing our infertility.  I feel like less of a woman sometimes so I can understand how he feels.  It's ok to tell him you are scared, but that you love him and you know it will happen for you guys...it just might not be as easy as it is for other couples.  Tell him that you are a TEAM and you will get through this TOGETHER.  

I highly recommend doing tons of research and learning everything you can about your situation.  You really have to take your own care in your hands.  Become an expert so you know what to ask your doctor.

I know you said maybe you aren't cut out for this situation and I still feel like that sometimes too.  But you will dig deep and find strength you didn't know you had, and in the end, you and your hubby will be stronger than ever, holding that newborn baby in your arms.  When bad thoughts get in your head, focus on what kind of maternity clothes you will buy, how you will decorate the baby's room, or what kind of big sister your stepdaughter will be.  Create a "secret" board on Pinterest and pin baby stuff like crazy.

Hang in there and know you have a support group here to help you along the way.  Best of luck to you!!!

Isthisthereallife

@Bai-by2016; your post made me cry. Thank you. Thank you for your honesty and advise and wisdom. I appreciate it more than you know. Good luck to you on your journey!!!

adunkin

Welcome! I'm sorry you need to be here and I hope your stay is short, but I think you'll find some great support here! IF is hard - really really hard. At first I told some people, but I never shared exactly what our problem was. (DH had really low motility when we first started TTC. Now we have other issues.) I hated the idea of "revealing his secret" and he certainly wasn't sharing it with anyone.

I'm not gonna lie - I found the first round of IUI the worse. So much hope. So sure you wouldn't be one of the people stuck in IF hell forever. And then it didn't work and it hurt so, so much. But each time it doesn't work, it's a bit easier for me. I also found some of the articles on Resolve.org really helpful as I processed what IF meant to me and for me at different stages. Good luck in the coming months!

Isthisthereallife

@adunkin Thank you!! You get it...not wanting to tell his "secret". I wish you the best of luck in your journey!