TTC after 35
broomhilda79
member
Intro (child and recent loss mentioned)
broomhilda79
member
in TTC after 35
Hi,
I am 37 and live in New England. My (male, 39) partner and I have a 5-and-a-half year old daughter, who totally loves babies and little kids. We have been NTNP, if that's how you say it, for about five months or so. I thought it might be cool to get pregnant, but also fine to stay unpregnant. I have been more motivated than my partner has been. In fact, he has been distinctly unmotivated. Just last week, on a hunch, I tested at 11dpo and got a clear positive. The next day I got a similar result, but the following day I got mixed results (conflicting digital and visual tests from a kit...and the lines were not dark). On Tuesday I talked with my doctor, who asked me to get a blood test. The result from the blood test was "indeterminate" (I looked this up and it means an hcg number of between 5 and 25), and so I had to go in for another one today! They also administered a urine test, which was a totally unambiguous negative.
So, this is a chemical pregnancy, as far as I can tell. Period was due two or three days ago, I have no idea when to expect it to arrive (I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday to figure this out). When I first found out I was pregnant (ish), I was shocked and sort of horrified. My partner was VERY shocked and horrified. We do pretty well with one child, and I would love for her to have a sibling, but it has never seemed really doable for financial and emotional reasons. All the fear and paranoia I experienced when pregnant for the first time came flooding back.
So anyway, just as it became clear to me that this pregnancy was going to be super brief, I started to feel happy and excited about it. A baby sibling for my kid would be really awesome. Yes, it would mess up my work situation to have a new baby, but that is a temporary problem as opposed to a life-long new relative. Yes, a special-needs child is a possibility but not in a way that seems too dramatic. When I finally realized that it wasn't actually going to work out, I was, well...shocked and horrified.
Right now I am waiting to see when my period will show up again. My partner is sort of vaguely supportive but doesn't seem to realize that I am physically and mentally going through some heavy stuff right now. I have not experienced pregnancy loss before--I feel like my body is messed up, and that I derailed things with my negative initial reaction to the first positive tests. I know that's not how it works, but it seems like it. I feel so sad and defeated; I can't wait to stop feeling physically pregnant. My daughter, who can be difficult, is being really nice; but of course I didn't tell her about this event (or non-event, as the case may be). She did notice I was sad and asked if one of my friends had died! I have had a few friends pass away lately, so it's not as spooky as it sounds
Perhaps in the next few months I will be able to really be part of this board, if my partner wants to "try" again. Who knows, really. We both have some stuff to figure out. And I would be 38 by the time the new baby came, if I could get pregnant in the next half a year or so. But the ghost of this little almost-baby is really haunting me right now, and making me wish so painfully for my daughter to have a little one to grow up with, even if the age gap is a little unorthodox.
thanks so much.
BROOMHILDA
I am 37 and live in New England. My (male, 39) partner and I have a 5-and-a-half year old daughter, who totally loves babies and little kids. We have been NTNP, if that's how you say it, for about five months or so. I thought it might be cool to get pregnant, but also fine to stay unpregnant. I have been more motivated than my partner has been. In fact, he has been distinctly unmotivated. Just last week, on a hunch, I tested at 11dpo and got a clear positive. The next day I got a similar result, but the following day I got mixed results (conflicting digital and visual tests from a kit...and the lines were not dark). On Tuesday I talked with my doctor, who asked me to get a blood test. The result from the blood test was "indeterminate" (I looked this up and it means an hcg number of between 5 and 25), and so I had to go in for another one today! They also administered a urine test, which was a totally unambiguous negative.
So, this is a chemical pregnancy, as far as I can tell. Period was due two or three days ago, I have no idea when to expect it to arrive (I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday to figure this out). When I first found out I was pregnant (ish), I was shocked and sort of horrified. My partner was VERY shocked and horrified. We do pretty well with one child, and I would love for her to have a sibling, but it has never seemed really doable for financial and emotional reasons. All the fear and paranoia I experienced when pregnant for the first time came flooding back.
So anyway, just as it became clear to me that this pregnancy was going to be super brief, I started to feel happy and excited about it. A baby sibling for my kid would be really awesome. Yes, it would mess up my work situation to have a new baby, but that is a temporary problem as opposed to a life-long new relative. Yes, a special-needs child is a possibility but not in a way that seems too dramatic. When I finally realized that it wasn't actually going to work out, I was, well...shocked and horrified.
Right now I am waiting to see when my period will show up again. My partner is sort of vaguely supportive but doesn't seem to realize that I am physically and mentally going through some heavy stuff right now. I have not experienced pregnancy loss before--I feel like my body is messed up, and that I derailed things with my negative initial reaction to the first positive tests. I know that's not how it works, but it seems like it. I feel so sad and defeated; I can't wait to stop feeling physically pregnant. My daughter, who can be difficult, is being really nice; but of course I didn't tell her about this event (or non-event, as the case may be). She did notice I was sad and asked if one of my friends had died! I have had a few friends pass away lately, so it's not as spooky as it sounds
Perhaps in the next few months I will be able to really be part of this board, if my partner wants to "try" again. Who knows, really. We both have some stuff to figure out. And I would be 38 by the time the new baby came, if I could get pregnant in the next half a year or so. But the ghost of this little almost-baby is really haunting me right now, and making me wish so painfully for my daughter to have a little one to grow up with, even if the age gap is a little unorthodox.
thanks so much.
BROOMHILDA
Re: Intro (child and recent loss mentioned)
I am very sorry for your loss. I recently suffered a chemical pregnancy (after 3 consecutive losses), and it really left me feeling very lost.
I can completely empathize with your desire to add to your family, and I hope that when you are ready you will be successful!
Please keep us posted.