Men and their "emotions"

nmd9168

I just got home from the hospital. My DH was rushed to the ER from work by ambulance with chest pain, racing heartbeat, and syncope (frequent black outs). He's only 28. It was a terrifying phone call to get while at work. They told him that he has an arrhythmia and burning the candle at both ends, as they say. When we were on our way home, I asked him if he had been feeling stressed and he said tremendously. He wouldn't say why. He is afraid of even saying the word "Miscarriage" or even discussing pregnancy.  I brought it up and he broke down. He's been holding back the hurt from our MMC to make sure he was strong enough for me. I am absolutely crushed. I feel horrible, i feel so bad. So selfish. I guess I am just looking for some help. I don't know how to talk to him about it. I don't want him to hold back so much, but he doesn't say anything. How do I know? He is risking his own health and mental health to be the strong one here. I know men don't talk, but does anyone have any suggestions so we can go through this together as a couple instead of him feeling so alone. Thank you so much. 

dubcompanion

Oh goodness, so sorry for the scare and I hope your H is feeling better. To be honest, I think our husbands both hold in their stresses very similarly. My backstory:

H and I began TTC March 2015. April 2015 I wake up to him telling me he's called 911. His heart is racing, and he's having trouble breathing because it hurts. He's also feeling dizzy and a bit queasy. We get to the ER, and they run tests on him all night. The end result is that they find some sludge (?) in his colon. They say to maybe change his diet.

October 2015 - We get our BFP.

November 2015 - I get a call from H, telling me he's in the ER. He was at work and his heart started racing again and his chest hurt. In the end, they determine his gallbladder is infected and it needs to be removed.

December 2015 - MMC is found at my 12-week appt. My D&C is scheduled the following day. The day after my D&C, DH has his gallbladder removal surgery. H continues to have racing heartbeat and the like, even more frequently than before surgery.

Jan '16 - Present Day - DH is now on blood pressure medication. He's also seen a therapist once or twice to determine if he's been having anxiety attacks (consensus is a resounding "yes"). The medication seems to resolve these overall, so he hasn't seen the therapist on a regular basis. 

So sorry for the long timeframe. I just wanted to detail it so you know where I'm coming from. Basically, my H internalizes his stress. When the shock of the MMC hit us, he felt he had to be strong for me. This resulted in increased anxiety attacks for him and prompted him to seek out an answer for his racing heartbeat and general ailments. All of this has made me wonder if his symptoms for the past year really were a failing a gallbladder or if his stress levels prompted a physical that merely made it discoverable.

When I reflect on the winter months, I think couples therapy would have been helpful for us. TTCAL has been therapeutic in its own right, as has been getting out more and doing activities with friends. However, these are only healthy "distractions" and doesn't get us to communicate more, necessarily. I do think we're moving in the right direction of healing; nonetheless, if we have to suffer another loss, we are going to seek counseling. We will absolutely need it as a couple. 

My H doesn't mind if I talk about our loss, but mainly all that happens is we break down together and cry. It's cathartic but I wouldn't say it's communicative, if that makes sense. I think he wishes he could say more but struggles to, therefore it just eats at him until he can cry it out/move past it.

I advocate for couples therapy if that is something both of you are open to. Otherwise, continue talking or encourage talking about it - if he resists, I'd say let it go at first. But the more it can become routine, the better and hopefully easier it may get. I'm no therapist though so do take my suggestion just as that, a suggestion. Hugs to you.

danielle913-2

I am so sorry for you and your husbands loss. First I want to say that you have nothing to feel bad or selfish for. I'm sure you have handled this the best you can. I recently had a MMC at 18 weeks and my husband has handled it similarly to yours. He is the "strong, silent" type but also can get very emotional. Something that i've noticed is that he tends to open up more whenever he can tell that i'm doing "okay." As in, I haven't had any emotional breakdowns recently or have been able to talk about it without crying. Almost like he wants to make sure i'm okay before he unloads his emotions onto me too. So maybe what I would recommend is approaching him during one of your "good" days (I know they can be few and far between..) or even just a moment where you're feeling strong. Tell him that you recognize how hard this must all be on him as well and that you really want to help him through it. That you really want for you guys to be able to help each other. Sometimes asking direct questions is helpful when somebody doesn't really know how to describe how they've been feeling. So maybe say things like "I have a really hard time when I see babies on TV or when I go on social media, has it been that way for you too?" Or maybe even discussing a way to memorialize the loss like planting a tree could help bring some healing. And sometimes, it just takes time. Everybody grieves in their own way and sometimes internalizing it is the only thing somebody knows how to do. Praying for continued healing for you both. 

BrightenMySky

I am sorry for that scare and glad your DH is ok.  

Is your DH willing to see a therapist himself (if he is not already)?  Does he have anyone he can talk to about the loss?  We had told our parents, siblings, and several close friends about the pregnancy (and then told several others about both the pregnancy and the loss, in part to get support), and although I don't hear all the conversations he has (but have told him I am 100% ok with him sharing details with select friends), I think that some of those people have been really huge for my DH in having an outlet for his emotions.  I am actually tearing up right now just thinking about how wonderful to us some of these people have been.  

I think loss is tricky because it's obviously something that both people in the couple experience, but I also think that as the one going through the physical loss, you also have the physical aspects to deal with, and may feel differently about the loss (I know my DH did not feel as bonded with our baby as I did, and we've talked about that).  But there are so many other stresses--seeing your partner going through a scary physical experience and trying to support your partner when sometimes there are just no words so you are powerless.  You take care of each other as well as you can, and I think talking about fears and emotions has helped us a lot. 

Edited to remove unfinished thought.