I'm a mess

PattersRN

Hi everyone.  I'm new to the board.  I suffered a loss at 5 weeks on Sunday.  We had been trying for 8 months. I had known I was pregnant for a little over a week. I had seemed to be doing okay, but everything suddenly hit me last night.  On top of this, my dad has been in the hospital for a week and a half, I've been trying to get a second property I own ready to sell, and DH and I are supposed to go camping at the end of this week, but even that seems like a lot of extra work right now because we have to get our house ready for new carpet next week. This morning I couldn't even get out of bed.  I got up, sat down with my coffee, tried to explain to my husband what's wrong, started crying again and went back to bed. Then my husband came in and sat on the bed and said "are you sure you're not still pregnant?  Because you're acting like a crazy pregnant person."  I think he was trying to be funny, but I wasn't laughing.  He's now in the other room painting and ignoring me.  I don't know what to do, I'm just overwhelmed and can't stop crying.  

thatlauragirl

I am so so very sorry. I wish I had some advice for you but I can't seem to make it through a day without a breakdown myself. Sending you big hugs. My peri told me to just take one day at a time. In truth, I'm taking it a minute at a time. Please be kind to yourself and know that there has to be brighter days ahead.

Wishilivedinflorida

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have a whole lot of extra stress in your life that is making matters worse. DH's sometimes tend to process grief differently, and I'm sorry he's not reacting in a kinder way. Like PP said, sometimes you just have to breathe and take things one minute, one hour, one day at a time. It does get easier with time, but the hurt never truly goes away. Take some time for good self-care and be kind to yourself. I hope DH can start to be a little more sensitive. He's also probably feeling all this stress as well and hopefully you both can get on the same page about your feelings soon. Sending hugs. 

Sugargirl1019

Im sorry. I hope DH can be more sensitive to your feelings of the loss. Mine wanted to HIO every day and night when we found out and I was like what the fuck is wrong with you? But they grieve differently and sometimes it comes off insensitive. Hugs to you!

PattersRN

Sugargirl1019 said:

Im sorry. I hope DH can be more sensitive to your feelings of the loss. Mine wanted to HIO every day and night when we found out and I was like what the fuck is wrong with you? But they grieve differently and sometimes it comes off insensitive. Hugs to you!

Yeah, mine wanted to this morning...no thanks.  Side note:  I want all the bunnies in your siggy please and thank you.

fiorip

My advise would be to shake some things off, you have a lot on your plate right now and dealing with a loss is a full time process, some days are worse than others but over time you'll feel better. Take your time to grieve and deal with your emotions.

As for your husband, as previous posters have said, everyone deals with things in their own way. I've been very open about my feelings and my struggles, I've used this forum as a cathartic way to just let go of my frustrations, I've had three losses, two of them in the second trimester and doctors didn't find anything wrong, I've just had bad luck. I've tried opening up to my husband as well, my fears, my concerns, and he just won't talk, last time I tried he just plain said "don't speak to me about the children we have loss, I don't want to hear it". I finally understood that it hurts him too much to talk about, it might be helpful for me but it's horrible for him so unless he mentions something, I don't talk to him about it. 

Sugargirl1019

What department are you an RN in?

PattersRN

Sugargirl1019 said:

What department are you an RN in?

Orthopedics

BrightenMySky

I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you have a lot going on on top of the loss as well - best wishes to your dad.  Loss is devastating, and the hormone crashing cannot be helping.  I remember one afternoon in particular about a week after my loss when I just could not stop crying, and I feel like that lack of control must have been at least partially due to hormones.  

Sugargirl1019

PattersRN said:

Sugargirl1019 said:

What department are you an RN in?

Orthopedics

Awesome. I'm in the ICU.

PattersRN

Thanks everyone . I feel better today. DH and I got in an argument last night, mainly because he doesn't have a full understanding of what's going on with me. We talked it out and I dragged myself to my cello lesson.  I actually feel like getting out of bed today.

chloe97

@PattersRN welcome and I'm sorry for your loss. I will just add that men have a really hard time understanding what we as women go through emotionally, hormonally, brain chemically, socially etc with loss. There's the obvious fact that women are more emotionally attached to the baby than men are because we carry the baby, so we grieve longer and harder than men. And then there's the issues of your hormones rebalancing and the emotions and struggles that come with that. If your like me, there's the intense brain chemical anxiety issues that play in to all of this as well. And finally, there's the being around pregnant women which makes many social situations so freaking painful.

Men just mourn the loss of the idea that they would have a baby- they don't go through all of the rest of this. My husband is a saint and he does his best to be supportive, but we get in fights constantly because I'm going through what I'm going through. Last night I yelled at him because I wanted him to tell me that it would be ok if I decided not to get pregnant again. And he told me he won't talk about it until we meet with the RE and hear them out. 

We are starting counseling in Monday. I'm so glad I jumped and made an appt right after my D&C because this shit is hard. 

roxgibbons

@PattersRN I'm so sorry for your loss and grief you are feeling right now. Please know that no matter how out of control you may feel- it's normal. One of the best pieces of advice I got from a friend ( who happens to be a therapist) is to feel what you have to feel. Whether you feel angry, sad, nervous, anything. You don't have to be ok right now and your body is going through so much hormonal change. I'm entering my 4th month post loss and I certainly have my days where I am still so damn sad about what happened. I hope eventually your DH will come around and be more sensitive but a lot of men just don't get it and don't feel that attachment. Be kind to yourself. Many hugs to you.