Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Intro, guilt over protecting myself emotionally

(I already posted a little bit in the check-in thread. I'm on the other side of my procedure now, and wanted to reflect a little on the process and the tough parts for me, please let me know if this isn't appropriate and I'll take it down.)

Showers are the hardest thing right now. I tried to keep myself cautious about this pregnancy- it sounds horrible, but it's like I was betting there was going to be something wrong from the start- but I always allowed myself the luxury of taking some inventory and feeling excitement for the changes that were happening when I was in the shower. Now, 3 days after my D&E, a lot of things are still the same but it all feels very different. The little bump that I was so happy to start to soap up is gone though, just leaving behind a little belly fat I didn't have before.

I had a bleed early in my pregnancy, a large subchorionic hematoma at 5w6d. It kept me on edge for a few weeks until I got good news at my 8w visit. It was smaller, resolving, and the fetus had a great heartbeat and was growing on track. By my second appointment, for the NT scan at 12w6d, I hadn't bled for a while. The ultrasound wasn't good though- while the u/s tech didn't say much of anything, I knew looking at the screen that everything was too still. The doctor came in to confirm the scan and explained that, while the growth was on track, there was no heartbeat and the NT measurements were a bit off. The fetus must have passed very recently. I wish I could have argued and demanded another scan and another scan, I wish I could have not believed it, but it was so unambiguous. So I scheduled the D&E.

I got a laminaria rod placed the next evening, after the OB office had all but closed for the day. I took a misoprostol tablet before bed, and hoped the cramping would subside enough so I could sleep a bit before the procedure the next day. To be honest, the D&E was the least painful part of the process- only a little bit of cramping, a fairly small amount of blood. Everyone at the hospital was so kind and thoughtful and caring.

And now? I almost feel like I'm grieving wrong. I'm sad, yes, and I'm hurt and I'm disappointed and letting myself process my emotions, but I don't feel like I'm breaking into the pieces that people are expecting me to. It makes me feel alien, it makes me feel like maybe I'm not loving enough. It's not that I didn't care, and it's not that this baby wasn't loved and wanted, but I've felt so on guard for the past 6+ weeks. This was my first pregnancy, and I know I can never go back to being confident that my body will do what it 'should'. But I guess I wish I had embraced the innocence that it would and had let myself be devastated. As is, it hurts so much when people tell me that I'm taking it well, it's like I did something wrong by protecting my heart a little.

I'm so grateful DH understands me, though, he knows I'm not heartless and he helps me through a bad shower.

Re: Intro, guilt over protecting myself emotionally

  • Oh @lin0442 I'm so sorry. You are allowed to grieve however you need to and don't let yourself think otherwise. You do not owe anyone an explanation. Everyone processes these things differently, and all of our experiences with loss are different. 

    I'm sorry your body keeps reminding you of what happened. Even with my early losses I could feel my body changing shape subtly and it was an awful reminder of what could and should have been. My bottoms fit a little differently now, and it's a silent reminder every day about my two previous babies I never got to meet. 

    Please allow yourself the grace to be how you need to be right now. Maybe at this moment that means calm and silent, maybe tomorrow that means crying and ragey. No matter what, the only thing that matters is that DH and you are communicating and working through the grief together. And, if you ever feel that you need a third party's help, like a therapist, that's ok too. Know that you'll never be judged here. We all have hearts that are a little more bruised than they used to be, and we understand. 
  • I am so sorry for your loss.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Those comments--"you seem like you're handling it well" or "you seem like you are doing better"--are insensitive, I am sorry.  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
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  • chloe97chloe97 member
    I just want to say so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and I had D&Es around the same time and same period of gestation. Mine was last Monday at 13+1 after a bad NT scan at 12+2.

    I also wanted to tell you that grieving a process. How you feel and are handling things today may not be how you feel and are handling things in 3 months. You have to let yourself feel what you feel at the time you feel it. What I discovered with my 1st loss is that I had days and weeks of feeling seemingly normal and then would have massive breakdowns with hormone fluctuations that came with my cycle regulating. It was hard on DH bc he never knew what to expect from me as far as grieving. We've learned from last time not to set any expectations for ourselves. Being kind to yourself is the best thing you can do. If that involves ignoring all new babies and showers in your family and friends than so be it. It won't be forever- I promise you! 
  • Gosh, I feel like I could have written this. I found out I had a SCH at 4w6d. The ER Doctor told me to expect m/c and that also, it was a blighted ovum. So I grieved for my impending loss. Two days later, I was still pregnant. Saw my OB who assured me that everything was okay. I was just earlier than I thought. Two weeks later, u/s showed a perfectly growing baby with a heartbeat. I eased up slightly. Next u/s showed the SCH had grown. My OB was still optimistic, but hesitated to do my physical and pap, which again turned my expectations bleak. When I went for the next follow up, I was just expecting "the worst", thinking that the hemorrhage would be even larger. The worst, which I hadn't anticipated, was a baby who's growth looked to be on track, but who had no heartbeat. 

    People keep saying I've handled this with such grace and strength. I feel like a cold, heartless person some days, simply because I haven't fallen apart. Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I've cried. But I'm okay with what happened. I'm mostly at peace with it. I'm moving on. 

    I will ill tell you that despite my feelings about the loss, I've still struggled emotionally. And it's been hard, because I feel like I can't put my finger on what makes me moody, short tempered, etc. Of course, I know it's the loss. But I don't feel angry. I don't feel devastated. I don't feel like I have a good reason to "not be myself". And that's frustrating. 

    It it does get better with time. I'm 4 weeks out tomorrow and am having one bad day a week, at most. We are far from heartless. Everyone grieves in their own way, on their own terms. There is no "doing it wrong". And you're not alone. So many hugs for you. I'm glad that your DH gets you..,.that helps a lot. 
    Pregnancy Ticker

    M/C #2 - October 2016
    MMC #1 - April 2016

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  • GlitterGlitter member
    Like many pp have said, everyone grieves or feels emotions differently. There is no correct way to handle a loss. My first loss I didnt cry or anything at all really, I actually felt the pain of that loss the most when I just had my third loss.  I feel my grief and pain have grown with each loss. Yes im grieving my children, i wanted them so bad but im also grieving the thought of never having any children, the pain of feeling like a failure, and so much more. I think we all are doing the best we can. Im so grateful to be able to come here and express myself and receive support.

    I lost this last lil baby at 8w2d and I truly felt my body changing. I thought omg this is it, im getting my rainbow. I welcomed the changes, my sore boobs were amazing because I thought yay sore boobies=growing baby. My clothes were tight, and i just actually felt pregnant. Many things were gone instantly, before i had a confirmed mc but others took longer.  I also look at my body in the shower or bathroom mirror and visually see my loss. My boobs are forever changed, my nipples have returned to normal, my tiny bloat bump is gone, and I swear my overall shape is different. I feel now that my hormomes have lowered, im feeling more normal. I too have great days, good days, bad days, and an occasional really crappy days. My heart aches for my losses but I will pick up the pieces and try again for my rainbow. 

    I wish i wasnt benched but this time I have will allow me to be more than ready 

    Im so sorry you are dealing with this and all youve gone through. Dont let anyone make you feel bad or wrong about your feelings. If you need to chat,  we are all here, and sadly we really do know how you feel. Hugs your way hun!
  • fioripfiorip member
    You do not controlle emotions and are allowed to grieve in your own way. I've known women who don't cry at all, they just move on and try again, doesn't mean they care any less than those of us sobbing. Obviously you are hurt, no one could ever question that. Allow yourself just be, cry if you need to or just don't cry at all, you don't need to prove anyone anything. Be kind to yourself, hugs. 
    I'm 29, husband is 30
    Together since 2006
    Married 01.17.15  <3

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  • @lin0442 So sorry for your loss <3 I am 5 months out from my MMC that we discovered at our 12-week appointment after seeing our baby and hearing a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks. 
    I haven't had a big breakdown in probably a couple months now. I get teary-eyed, particularly when I talk aloud about my loss. But at times I just feel numb. I don't cry, because I'm strong. I don't cry, because I literally just feel empty. 
    I think what we have been through was just so incredibly shocking that our systems do whatever it can to help protect us. Obviously, you are hurting, and you're aware of that. Because you're aware, your heart goes in to shield you from too much pain. And as PP have said, who knows how you'll be tomorrow, in one week, in 2 months. Even so, by reaching out to others for support, you're doing the right thing to help yourself move forward. 
    Again, so sorry for your loss. We're happy to support you and have a place to vent/cry/even laugh with when needed!
  • @lin0442  I'm just getting the nerve to get back online now and just read this. My heart is breaking for you and I'm so sorry you have to deal with the comments, they don't help.

    I know it's easier said than done but please try to push the guilt aside. There is nothing wrong with protecting your heart. I'm also dealing with guilt because for the two weeks between my bad NIPT results and finding out Gabe had passed, I feel like I emotionally detached from him and I ache now that I did that. But, man, the grief is crushing enough without adding guilt on top of it. Please be gentle with yourself.
    Me: 38 l DH: 41
    Gavin - 8/27/10
    Gabriel - 2nd tri loss 5/17/16 Trisomy 18 & 21
    Hope -  2nd tri loss 12/7/16 complications from pneumonia

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