Hate feeling like this

wildtot

Hi ladies i am a FTM with a 5wk old son. At first I thought these feelings were do to hormones and would quickly pass but I feel worse now than before. I don't have anyone to talk to comfortably and its a constant fight with DH when I bring up my feelings. I am seeking help soon but I am hoping to get some support here. 

Since day one of being home I couldn't stop crying. I felt like the baby I brought home was not mine. I started having problems with breastfeeding and had to resort to pumping early on. This was frustrating as it was not what I wanted. I had a c section by choice and recovery has been ok but slow. Till this day I still feel disconnected with LO. I feel numb of all feelings towards DH and LO. I wake up and do stuff only because I know I have to. I rarely smile or feel happy. I feel frustrated, disappointed, and sad all the time. I haven't been able to go out much due to my recovery. My pregnancy was really hard. I was on bedrest all first tri and on disability for all 3rd tri due to preterm labor symptoms. For the longest time I feared infertility due to endo and was super happy when we got pregnant. All that happiness is gone. It's not what I imagined. I don't feel cut out for this. I will admit that DH needs to contribute more but my feelings or lack of are also hurting our relationship. I try to talk to him about how I feel but he doesn't understand and takes it the wrong way. I know that deep down I love him and LO. I can't even remember the last time I said I love you to LO. I hate these feelings and I just want to be happy again.

Beverly0628

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. Many of the things that you are describing are very similar to what I felt after giving birth, especially the disconnect with LO and feeling like he isn't yours. I feel like the immediate, in love, and happy connection is less common than most moms realize because no one wants to talk about these things. Everyone makes you feel like having a baby is this wonderful, joyous occasion and that you will be immediately in love with your LO. When it doesn't happen this way, it's easy to feel guilty and like there is something wrong with you. There isn't and you are not a bad mom for not feeling that connection immediately. Please be easy on yourself in that regard. The connection will come. As for those feelings that you are having, I held out for 10 weeks before I called my doctor to ask for help because I was trying to push through thinking that it had to get better soon. I should have called sooner. I was prescribed Zoloft (safe if you are BFing) 50mg and eventually went up to what I am on now, which is 100mg. I thought that I would feel like a failure asking for meds, but there is some freedom in letting go and admitting that you need help. I am almost 5 months pp now, and I feel like a completely different person, in a good way. I'm in love with my baby, I can handle day to day tasks, even really tough things, without crying or having panic attacks, and I actually enjoy my days now. I know that meds aren't for everyone, and I honestly thought that I would never be someone who needed them, but making the call that got me medicated was the best ting that I have ever done for myself and my family. Please do whatever you have to do to feel better, be it meds, therapy, whatever. You are not weak for asking for help. Advocating for yourself takes self awareness and courage. Your son is lucky to have a mom like you.