Afraid to try again

candijuly2011

Hello everyone

I had a mmc on April 19th. Went in for a d&c on the 21st. I was supposed to be 18+4 wks but had found out the baby had passed at 13+4 wks. 
While I have accepted that this has happened and am ok to talk about it (as we had announced on Facebook I've also run into the awkward moments with ppl who didn't know) I'm having difficulty with moving past the 5wks of my body not telling me anything. I mean nothing at all. If it wasn't for my lab results for IPS testing I would've found out at my gender scan. 
I want another baby. With all my heart I want three kids (I have two boys aged 3.5yrs and almost 2.), but I'm absolutely terrified that this will happen again. 
I live in Canada. They don't do testing with the first miscarriage. I'm pissed about that. I'm left with no answers and am scared that it will happen again. 
Has anyone experienced this and if so how did you move forward?
talking about it has helped me accept it but I think I need to talk to someone who has moved forward to be able to do that myself. 

Thanks

chloe97

I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt the same way about my first loss- not having a reason made it scarier to try again. Our 2nd loss was a chromonsonal abnormality discovered at 12 weeks. The fact I was able to carry the pregnancy so long makes it more likely the 1st was a chromosomal abnormality as well. Though it doesn't make it less scary to try again. I'm 1 week out from my 2nd D&C and so I'm very far away from trying again, but I know I'm going to be a wreck when it comes time to TTC and when we do get pregnant again. I definitely recommend the Trying to Conceive After a Loss board and then the Pregnant After a Loss board when you are pregnant again. The PGAL threads on my birth month board were also helpful. Just having people to vent to who understand what you are going through is helpful! You will see that there are a few people on these boards with second trimester losses that can be helpful. Sending thoughts your way. I hope you stick around and get to know the amazing ladies on these board- they have been a godsend to me in my journey!

fiorip

I've had 3 consecutive losses and after the first one I've always been scared it would happen again. But just because I was scared did not stop me from trying, it all comes down to how much you want to hold a baby in your arms. There will be days when you won't be that frighten and there'll be days when you'll be close to having a panic attack, you just have to try and stay positive and think happy thoughts and hope in your heart that it will be ok. 

Being able to tell my stories and talk about my struggles on these boards has been tremendous help too. So many women you can relate to and understand how you feel, it doesn't matter how supportive your husband and family are, if you have not experienced a loss, you can't possibly relate. Before everything happened to me I remember feeling bad when I heard about someone who lost a baby but now that I've experienced it myself, it's a whole different feeling, it's heartbreaking because I know how much it hurts, how much of a failure I've felt, how I've blamed myself and my body and how a child could never replace another child, I've loved all of my children so so much, they were so wanted. 

Take your time to heal and when you're ready to try again, just trust you'll be alright. 

ladipale

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not a place anyone's wants to bed. I had a missed miscarriage discovered at 13 weeks and had to have 2 D&Cs to get it resolved. I alternate between being terrified to try again and ready to try again. It's been almost 3 months since my loss. I'm also trying for my third kid. I think we are going to wait a few more months to get through a bunch of summer travel but then I get scared that M getting to old..  it's so hard to balance. There is no right decision

candijuly2011

Thank you ladies so much for the responses. You are all so strong. I pray that you all get the rainbow babies you deserve. 
You have hit the nail on the head. I do have days where I feel ready to do this again and then I have days where I feel I can't ever do that again. 
I really struggle with the fact that it was a missed miscarriage. I wish I had known earlier. People have said 'be grateful you enjoyed those 5 wks blissfully unaware' but I don't feel that way. 
I believe that it was a chromosome abnormality as we had the results from the IPS testing which said we tested screen positive for spinal Bifida and trisomy 18. Our chances were 1:200. Still not high but enough to do additional testing. My mind has gone with that but my heart still aches not having something concrete, does that make sense?

BrightenMySky

I am sorry for your loss.  I also had a missed miscarriage--discovered at 11w, but likely the baby died 2-3 weeks prior.  Being pregnant made me really happy, so in a way I am glad that I had the extra time to be so blissfully unaware...but on the other hand, it really felt like my body betrayed me that I still had morning sickness and couldn't let go of this baby, as I hadn't started to miscarry naturally and I even had retained material after the d&c.  

I am also so worried about how anxious I will be if I get pregnant again.  I really want it but am terrified at the same time.

And I think I know what you mean about getting something concrete.  Based on testing post-loss, our baby had triploidy, and I am satisfied in that I know the cause of death.  But there are so many other things that can go wrong, I also wonder if it hadn't been that, would it have been something else?  It's sort of like how I feel about my fertility journey, generally.  I have struggled to get pregnant, and we have a MFI diagnosis, but I also wonder if that's just a screen and we actually have some other big underlying fertility issue that will prevent us from ever having a baby.  

It's really hard.  Hugs.

Spartanrd4

I had a missed miscarriage as well- I was a little over 9 weeks but the baby only measured 7 1/2 weeks. I had spotting which made me get a scan but I also had a perigestational bleed that that found during the ultrasound so who knows what really caused the spotting but I just felt awful knowing my baby was gone and my body didn't recognize it. My hcg levels were high and I had all the symptoms- I just felt betrayed by myself. Now if I get pregnant again I know I will be anxious knowing that something could be wrong and I won't know. 

citygirl17

I had a M/C at 8.5 weeks but was only measuring 5.5.  While the M/C itself was sad and traumatic, the thought of trying again is even more traumatic to me right now.  You are not alone.  I am so sad that this experience has made me so much more anxious.  I feel like it has robbed me of the ability to completely relax and enjoy and future pregnancy I may have.

HLD3194

 I am so scared of becoming pregnant again and losing another baby. I don't think I could emotionally handle it. It took a lot out of me in every way possible. I know I can never again "enjoy" pregnancy and will always worry no matter what stage of the game I am in. I just know myself and how I act...It has truly robbed us all of the bliss of pregnancy. Sorry for everyone here and we're all in this together. Hugs to whoever needs them 

thatlauragirl

I feel you on this. I had a d&e last week and I miss my son so much and then I feel guilt for wishing I could be pregnant again with all my heart. The absolute terror of potentially going through this again competes with this overwhelming ache for a little one. 

My my brother and SIL lost a son at 18wks a few years ago and he just sent me the lyrics to this Disturbed song, "The Light", that means a lot to him. There's one line of the song that keeps popping out at me: "Don't let hope become a memory". I'm hanging on to that with all my heart.

Hopefulmommy1980

I am so glad this thread is here. I have been thinking the same thing but was too afraid to post it. I know with all my heart that I want to have a baby and try again. But I am also terrified because I am scared it will happen again. I am afraid when I get pregnant again I won't be able to enjoy it or be as excited as I was. 
Hugs to everyone. 

candijuly2011

I'm glad that we all can talk about this. When I went for my Drs checkup he seemed really shocked that I asked for birth control prescription because I wasn't emotionally ready to ttc again. I left feeling really angry about it. 
Like all of you I know I won't be able to enjoy a future pregnancy the way I always enjoyed my previous ones. 

iceandsnowflakes29

@candijuly2011  after my miscarriage in March, I walked out of my miscarriage follow up appointment with a rx for antidepressants and birth control pills. I was an absolute wreck, physically and emotionally. I took a 3 month break from TTC and birth control because I was too fragile emotionally to handle another pregnancy right away, even if it were to not end in loss.

Anyway, you're feelings are normal. I'm very sorry for your loss. Take the time you need (hugs)