The DH/SO Experience

chloe97

H and I have both had a rough day. I woke up crying and he woke up sad. We tried to go for a walk today on a beautiful Sunday and neither of us were feeling it. We both broke down a few times.

After a sad nap, we decided to tackle searching for mental health providers- a new therapist for both of us and a couples counselor that specializes in grief and infertility issues. We contacted a few places and found an online support group for men dealing with MC. There really are not a ton of resource for men dealing with these issues.

H said something that resonated and I wanted to run it by you to see if your partners feel the same way. He said that everyone keeps saying to him over and over again "you need to be strong for your wife". I've mentioned this before, but H is way more upset this time than he was with our first loss and I prefer it that way. I feel less alone when he is as sad as me. I feel like it's our loss and not my loss. I feel like it's not as socially acceptable for men to mourn the loss of a child and I hate it. 

How are you husbands/ significant others handling the loss? How does it make you feel?

Wishilivedinflorida

I have found that with our more recent loss, we both have our bad days but they rarely sync up, if that make sense. Today, I had a really bad day and DH was pretty stoic. Different things trigger us differently, so it's usually one comforting the other. It's getting better with time, I think. 

I was really shocked to see how he was affected by the first loss. It was our first pregnancy, and I didn't expect him to be so attached already at 7ish weeks. We had previously had a semi-decent ultrasound prior to the MMC. He told me that from the moment he saw the little flickering heartbeat, he was instantly in love. I just assumed I would have it more rough because I was the one who was more pregnant and feeling the physical effects. I think we feel the grief similarly, but display it differently. I know DH has tried to "be strong" for me because he feels badly that I have had to undergo the countless ultrasounds, pelvic exams, and D&C's, on top of pregnancy symptoms and the aftermath physical symptoms of loss. I have tried to remind him that he is allowed to hurt, too, and that I can support him just as he's supported me. 

Overall, I know he's having a bad day if he shuts down and isn't talking much. We know each others' cues pretty well. I'm a crier, he gets silent. I always want to talk though it, but I've learned through this that he needs his space to grieve sometimes, and it doesn't mean he loves me any less if he doesn't want to talk about it. 

The only people who are being unhelpful with our grieving are my IL's actually. It's a long story, but we are currently on a
break from being around them because of it. All of our close friends who know about our losses are very encouraging to grieve the way we need to. I'm so thankful for that. 

I can't imagine having to face the situation you and your husband had to. Im so glad you are seeking help early and aren't ashamed to. It is a shame there aren't more resources for loss dads. I hope therapy is helpful to you. It sounds like you are leaning on each other, which is wonderful, but you have that outlet for extra help if needed. I pray you continue to find comfort with each other and find some help with therapy. Big hugs, lady. 

BrightenMySky

I really hope you and your DH are able to find therapists that will be helpful to you.  I am so sorry for what you both are going through.

Both DH and I had tried really hard not to get our hopes up at the beginning, but then once we saw the heartbeat, I know he was starting to get more excited that this might be real for us.  DH's mom died of cancer when he was a teenager (after a long illness)--so it kept going through my mind how does this loss compare to this other loss in his mind.  

We did things like take walks, cuddle with the dog, and take it easy on ourselves--allowing ourselves to get takeout more, have cereal for dinner if that's all we were up for, etc.  I feel like DH's grief is part over the baby and part over what this has done to me, and I know he really worries.  It makes me a little stressed that he is so concerned about me, but usually ok.  I do feel like he is my rock and when I am away from him, it is tough.  Like days when I've had a long day, am feeling really down, and then he's got a meeting at night--those nights are hard for me.  Plus the weekend away, which I think I mentioned on the check-in thread.

Spartanrd4

When I had my miscarriage for a long time I felt more upset about the loss than DH- for awhile I just got these vibes that he had already moved on and he was wondering why I hadn't. Things are getting better now and he was able to open more of his feelings and I realized he was just as upset- that I needed to be there for him too. 

He has been very helpful throughout this whole process because he is just a more positive, calm and grounded person than I am and I think that is why we make a good team- when I freak out, he is there. 

Wishilivedinflorida

@BrightenMySky That is a great point about the grief of losing the baby, as well as the grief of seeing your wife in a worrisome health situation as well. I'm sorry he lost his mom so young and in a tragic way. It's so heartbreaking.

I agree that it's hard to be away from DH at night, too, when he has late hours at work or other commitments. Sometimes I feel like those things are a good outlet for him to escape reality for a little while. We try to balance time alone in distractions as well as time together, but it is hard.

wintersong555

I'm really sorry you and dh had a rough day, sending hugs and good thoughts to you both! 

bornmommy

I'm so sorry your both going through such a hard time.  My DH is more "what will be, will be" and that actually helps me through it.  He was by my side through everything and will always be but he has always (in the 16 years I've known him) been last to show his emotions.  The benefit to your bond with your husband is that you an emotionally go through this together.  Hold each other up.  Listen to each others' needs.  Big hugs to you both. 

dubcompanion

My H feels he needs to be strong for me, even though I've told him he doesn't need to be. However, I won't know if he's had a breakdown unless I break down and talk to him about it. It'll only be when I'm upset that he'll say, "Yeah, just yesterday..." I have asked him why he doesn't talk to me about it on his own, and he'll say that he just needed a minute to cry or be sad and then move on. I do respect that, but I feel bad that he's not talking through things during the times he really should be. He's always internalized things more than I have though. I rant, scream, cry, etc... after it's been built up for a bit. Then I feel better.

He would build up stress, fear, and sadness in his heart forever if he could. This wouldn't be such a huge deal, except that him internalizing negativity usually leads him to being fatigued easily, getting sick a lot, etc. It weighs on him physically. This was particularly evident while we TTC'ed and during my brief pregnancy, because he started complaining about pains in his abdomen. It just so happened that the day after my D&C, he underwent emergency surgery to have his gallbladder removed.

Not saying correlation equals causation, but this was a guy who'd never had serious medical issues until right when we started TTC. So, odd coincidence...? At the least, we could chalk up the stress of TTC, me being pregnant, and the resulting MMC only exacerbating already existing health issues.