Men & babies

Charla1224

I need a space to get things out on this subject and I've also seen this come up on the postpartum thread so I know I'm not alone. 

MH is so in love with his little girl. He's amazed by her every sneeze, coo, or fart. It really is the sweetest thing to watch and my love for him is evolving as I begin to see him become her dad. 

Now that hat I have the positive out the way... God! I can't wait until he goes to work and it's only me and LO home all day. He wants to help and I'm trying to keep him involved because I want him to build a relationship with her but it takes him so long to change her diaper or get her dressed. I knew my husband doesn't have the best fine motor skills but watching him try and snap the buttons on a onesie is painful. I think some of it is him thinking she's so fragile. So, when he changes her blowout diaper he's afraid to pull her legs back and clean her up. He's trying to be super gentle but she's wailing the whole time. 

It's not fair to compare but I hold her and do laundry at the same time. Diaper changes happen quickly. Im doing my absolute best to let him figure her out on his own. When I see them struggling through something I fight myself to give encouragement with minimal coaching but secretly its eating me inside. 

NB817

I hear you. My DH is still the same way with DD and she'll be 4 in August!!! I've learned the best thing to do for myself to not get annoyed is walk away and go do something else while this painful exchange occurs. Go make yourself a cup of coffee or do your hair or something so that you aren't watching this. It's for the good of your marriage...trust me.

ayeshaohara

I'm working on my breastfeeding at the moment, trying to build my supply back and get her to have a good feed on the boob. I was nursing in bed with baby lying on the bed next to me...my idiot husband comes along and lays down next to me with no regard for the fact that I'm trying to feed. He consequently ends up pulling her off my boob which not only hurt but she won't go back on once she's come off. Waste of time that feed was because now she wants more and I'll have to give her a bottle. I'm sooooo annoyed!!!!! 

lalala2004

You know, I didn't think I'd be grateful for having complications, but because we were stuck in L&D so long with me sleeping, getting IV fluids and them monitoring my white blood cell count, heart rate, and oxygen levels, my DH got a LOT of alone time with our son. I didn't even change a diaper until we were home from the hospital. When he is home, he still changes more than me. He's just as good at it as I am. The only issue we have is that he doesn't really try too long to comfort him or calm him down. He just assumes he wants to eat and hands him off to me. Of course, to be fair, that usually is the case >.<

kbrands7

Give it time! DH has always rocked diaper changes-- he actually gave me some pointers with making them faster. There are other things that he struggles with. Often, I try to just let him figure things out his way, but if something potentially unsafe is going on or I see him getting too stressed, I'll step in and ask of he wants a suggestion. We do the same approach with cleaning: stay out of each other's way and offer help if it looks like it's going downhill. 

Not intervening too quickly will validate him as an equal parent and help him to build confidence. Especially in the beginning, if I offered a suggestion, I'd phrase it like, "_____ is frustrating/difficult/time-consuming. What if we tried ______?" so that it seemed more like we were problem solving together...even if I wasn't having the same problem when I did it alone. It took away the impatient expert- fumbling novice dynamic. More work for you initially? Yes. But the payoff is big.

jenl1681

@Charla1224 it's a high learning curve, 3 kids and DH still doesn't like snaps and I can knock out a diaper change way faster than he can-which usually results in a screaming newborn. We found a nice balance early on, which is hard when you are BF'ing because it cuts out a lot of things that DH could do. MH really enjoys being able to bottle feed our kids, he likes the closeness and snuggles DS right up as if he were actually BF'ing. DS is gaining weight slower than the pedi would like so I had to add in a pumping session, so now we have a bottle a day that DH does and it has been wonderful. I do diaper changes and clothing, DH does snuggling and holding when I need him to. After I feed, DH does burping, we share bath time. You guys will find a balance eventually and your H will get more used to the baby tasks! 


ETA: skin-to-skin DH also LOVES to do this with our kids! 

RMLandy

I have to reiterate PP - just walk away. My first is 5 and I still have to walk away sometimes when my husband is disciplining (and ESPECIALLY when he picks out the clothes for the day!) because it's not how I would do it. As long as you and DH are on the same page and you know (obviously) he's careful and won't hurt her, I think it's better for your marriage and your DH's relationship with his daughter to just let it go.

PYLWhammy

My baby isn't even here yet, but I find "letting it go" to be one of the most important secrets to a happy marriage
Your husband sounds so sweet with his little girl, @Charla1224!

JoMunson

Finding a dynamic that works is way more challenging than I though it would be! DH loves our baby so much and I love seeing them together, but I think it's hard for him since LO is still so little he mostly needs me. I'll be happy when he goes back to work and can feel a little more effective.

Pascal86

My husband is so afraid of hurting the baby... that's inside my belly still. Every time I tell him to feel the baby if she's moving or in a funny position, he puts two fingers on it and uses the lightest touch he possibly can, and when I grab his hand to push it on there so he can actually feel, he jerks his hand away and says, "don't hurt the baby!!!!" I'm hoping he gets over this once she's out, or basically he'll just never touch her. Which, based on what I've seen with friends' babies, might be how he acts at first (the few times I've seen him hold a baby he sits down, will have them in his arms, and then just freeze and remain completely motionless until it's over). Should be interesting.

Bltbear82

Everything @kbrands7 said. DH was so scared with DS1 and just assumed I knew best since I faked it until I figured it out, so I would phrase things so he could make a decision but with options I knew were totally ok. Micromanaging a bit but it instilled a ton of confidence in his ability to make decisions quickly. He's repeatedly said how different it feels the second time around, he's confident, and actually said he wished he felt this way with DS1 because it's so amazing. 

NB817

RMLandy said:

I have to reiterate PP - just walk away. My first is 5 and I still have to walk away sometimes when my husband is disciplining (and ESPECIALLY when he picks out the clothes for the day!) because it's not how I would do it. As long as you and DH are on the same page and you know (obviously) he's careful and won't hurt her, I think it's better for your marriage and your DH's relationship with his daughter to just let it go.

Oh the clothes being picked out... So so so awful and painful. And then she looks like a clown. Smh. 

camillaandcarson

NB817 said:

RMLandy said:

(and ESPECIALLY when he picks out the clothes for the day!) 

Oh the clothes being picked out... So so so awful and painful.  

YES. All of this. Yes. 

In fact anticipating this for my c-section I even made bags of clothes for my toddler to wear to meet new sibling and labeled them beforehand (because cute pictures).
Some hours after the c-section DH went to pick up our toddler to see us, he still picked out random things to dress our toddler in. I don't even know how this happened because I had made it really simple and went over it beforehand. 

So my toddler shows up wearing striped sleep pants and a Halloween Mickey Mouse t-shirt with fangs to meet their sibling (this is after I custom ordered a big sibling outfit on etsy just for this occasion, made sure it was washed, ironed, labeled, etc.)  

and_peggy

I agree with past posters. Enjoy the fact that he cares enough to try. Let him. He's got to figure it out in his own way. Don't criticize or critique him, it'll only push him away. And definitely don't compare how you do things to how he is doing things. It'll get better.

Bellodomani

NB817 said:

RMLandy said:

I have to reiterate PP - just walk away. My first is 5 and I still have to walk away sometimes when my husband is disciplining (and ESPECIALLY when he picks out the clothes for the day!) because it's not how I would do it. As long as you and DH are on the same page and you know (obviously) he's careful and won't hurt her, I think it's better for your marriage and your DH's relationship with his daughter to just let it go.

Oh the clothes being picked out... So so so awful and painful. And then she looks like a clown. Smh. 

Ha, me too! My husband actually knows how to put together a really cute outfit, he just thinks it's funnier to dress our children like goons. Which (and this is so stupid sexist of me) for some reason I thought was funny/ didn't care with my son, but I totally do care with my daughter. Maybe because we just have so much cute stuff people gave us that I know she'll grow out of so quickly, I don't want to waste a day on- no joke- a pink flowered onesie with red and blue striped sweatpants, which is what he tried to put her in today. 

yogahh

Oh dh... He doesn't really get it... Tonight we started a new routine to get Harper to sleep. I had to explain it to him at least 5 times. I finally get her calmed down and he comes charging into her room where I'm rocking her, loud and throwing in the lights. Then after I get her down and she's actually quiet, we come out to the living room and realize the monitor is picking up the white noise machine so I ask him to just move the white noise machine. All the sudden, the monitor shuts off. He unplugged it for some reason, and had all the lights on in the room. Wtf???? Doesn't he get that we need a calm environment? No.. He actually fought with me today that we don't need to distinguish night and day for her as she wil cry either way? I wish he would get off the fantasy baseball sights and do a little research on sleep training instead. 

JoMunson

yogahh said:

Oh dh... He doesn't really get it... Tonight we started a new routine to get Harper to sleep. I had to explain it to him at least 5 times. I finally get her calmed down and he comes charging into her room where I'm rocking her, loud and throwing in the lights. Then after I get her down and she's actually quiet, we come out to the living room and realize the monitor is picking up the white noise machine so I ask him to just move the white noise machine. All the sudden, the monitor shuts off. He unplugged it for some reason, and had all the lights on in the room. Wtf???? Doesn't he get that we need a calm environment? No.. He actually fought with me today that we don't need to distinguish night and day for her as she wil cry either way? I wish he would get off the fantasy baseball sights and do a little research on sleep training instead. 

My DH was the same when we started Ezra's bedtime routine last week. He didn't understand why I wanted all the lights off and shades drawn and baby in pajamas and read to by 8pm. I think he finally got it two days ago when we were doing a house project and Ezra fell asleep on his own at 7pm and stayed asleep until 11pm!

gampster

DH sometimes manages about 10 wipes per diaper change. I watched him once pull wipe after wipe out of the dispenser. And then he leaves the last wipe half out so it is all dried out when it is my turn to change. Baby steps. At least he is trying!!

Karenpreggo

Hahaha so much truth in this thread.  For me, my husbands overwhelming anxiety is killing me.  Im a FTM and anxious enough myself - its exhausting to CONSTANTLY reassure him.  I was hoping to be able to lean on him for support but instead, I feel like Im carrying everyone around on my shoulders 

KidShrink

I'm in the same situation as @lalala2004 . For the first two weeks, I couldn't change a single diaper or do anything for our baby other than feeding him. DH will always suck at choosing outfits, but he can get him dressed and changed way faster than I can. I'm still very much dependent on his help as I can't walk while holding our little guy (too risky for both of us). While I wish we didn't have to go through that entire ordeal, I think it really allowed him to take his place as a dad and be quite amazing at it. If your man isn't stepping up, ask yourself whether you may be part of the reason why...

Bellodomani

KidShrink said:

I'm in the same situation as @lalala2004 . For the first two weeks, I couldn't change a single diaper or do anything for our baby other than feeding him. DH will always suck at choosing outfits, but he can get him dressed and changed way faster than I can. I'm still very much dependent on his help as I can't walk while holding our little guy (too risky for both of us). While I wish we didn't have to go through that entire ordeal, I think it really allowed him to take his place as a dad and be quite amazing at it. If your man isn't stepping up, ask yourself whether you may be part of the reason why...

So true! Don't make yourself be the only person who can change/ dress/ bathe/ soothe the baby. Gotta let your partner make mistakes and learn their own way to do things. 

zekesmommy611

I really struggled with letting DH do his own thing with DS. He was super slow with everything and it drove me crazy. I became a constant nag telling him how he should parent, how much time he should spend with DS, how to change diapers/apply cream/ bathe and the list could go on. I truly felt that DH wasn't as involved as he should be and I constantly pushed him. We finally settled into a routine that works for both of us and we work together. Since DH is incapable of dressing either child, I lay out clothes and he dresses them or he makes the bottle for DS2 and I'll feed him. As PP said, walking away is always best and also getting that image of what he "should be" doing out of your mind because it will drive you crazy!

saladflambe

 I have to hand her off and walk away because he just does things differently than me and it's not wrong it's just different. I don't want to criticize him because there's nothing wrong with the way he does things and I travel a lot for work so he needs to be comfortable doing everything.  I now very much look forward to 8 PM when I hand her over to him and walk away for the evening 

helleebellee

Slow or not, be glad he's there to help.  My dh saw Autumn at birth, at 2 weeks, and again at 5 weeks. 3 times he's been able to hold her in her 7 weeks of life.  He's possibly going to be gone for months this time.  I'd love for him to even be home at all.  

wamam027

SweetBriarBee said:

Slow or not, be glad he's there to help.  My dh saw Autumn at birth, at 2 weeks, and again at 5 weeks. 3 times he's been able to hold her in her 7 weeks of life.  He's possibly going to be gone for months this time.  I'd love for him to even be home at all.  

Amen. 

vinerie

IMO it's best to let the husbands/partners find their own way. Theyve got to build confidence through trial and error...otherwise, slowly but surely, all the responsibility will shift to the mother.

Today LO was fussing and DH was trying to soothe him, but it wasn't working. My thought was LO was just tired, and so I said, "Do you want me to show you what I do in this situation?"Even this gentle (or what I thought was gentle) statement was too much and DH said something along the lines of he could see where this was going, and that it looks like I "will be in charge of the baby." Sigh...I've got a real hands-on partner, but even he will give up if he feels incompetent. So this is all to say, I think some investment in the front end (I.e. Let  the DH/partner be the first one to pick up LO when crying, etc., even though it may take longer to soothe) can pay off big time later in the way of more responsibility, initiative and competence on the part of DH/partner.

LadySamLady

My H puts in so much effort but our LO is just a total
mommy's girl and so I end up soothing her 99% of the time. He tries really hard and often but after 10 mins of her crying getting louder and louder he hands her over because neither of us can stand it. If anyone has any tips for us, please share!! 

vinerie

LadySamLady said:

My H puts in so much effort but our LO is just a total
mommy's girl and so I end up soothing her 99% of the time. He tries really hard and often but after 10 mins of her crying getting louder and louder he hands her over because neither of us can stand it. If anyone has any tips for us, please share!! 

I've been handing LO over to DH after a feeding. It's my favorite time--he snuggles up against my chest, and I hate to give up that time --but it's helping DH build some confidence, I think. He gets a calm LO, and LO gets used to being with DH in a calm state. Sometimes DH will hold him for an hour or two after, while LO just sleeps. 

Bellodomani

vinerie said:

LadySamLady said:

My H puts in so much effort but our LO is just a total
mommy's girl and so I end up soothing her 99% of the time. He tries really hard and often but after 10 mins of her crying getting louder and louder he hands her over because neither of us can stand it. If anyone has any tips for us, please share!! 

I've been handing LO over to DH after a feeding. It's my favorite time--he snuggles up against my chest, and I hate to give up that time --but it's helping DH build some confidence, I think. He gets a calm LO, and LO gets used to being with DH in a calm state. Sometimes DH will hold him for an hour or two after, while LO just sleeps. 

My husband also takes care of any post-nursing soothing/ burping that is needed. He watched the happiest baby on the block dvd with our first and became a master of the 5 S's, so if Viv is fussy and we know hunger isn't the issue, he gets to work with swaddle/ pacifier/ jiggling, etc. He's kind of the worst for MOTN stuff because he's just really confused when I wake him up, but he kills it when it comes to the witching hour. He'll be away for work for the whole month of July and I don't know what I'll do without him. 

camillaandcarson

Bellodomani said:. 

My husband also takes care of any post-nursing soothing/ burping that is needed. He watched the happiest baby on the block dvd with our first and became a master of the 5 S's, so if Viv is fussy and we know hunger isn't the issue, he gets to work with swaddle/ pacifier/ jiggling, etc. 

That is great.
Mine is awesome at soothing too. First baby he was at the hospital 100% of the time and learned from them how to burp, change a diaper, and swaddle really well. 

He also became much better than me at the various ways of soothing a fussy baby because I EBF so he found other ways to soothe where as I basically just used the one I had (hey it always worked so there is that).

He was great at baby wearing with baby # 1 in those early months, it soothed baby and gave them some bonding time where baby was not upset. Our babies love him and bonded easily despite me being the only food source. 

All that to say - he is so awesome but he seriously cannot pick out clothing. It makes no sense but is what it is. I will never ever complain though - because if he is helping with that aspect and knows where things are in general I consider it a win for everyone (except the meet your new sibling day this month, that was a total fail). 

JoMunson

Ezra got a bottle from DH for the first time yesterday (after spending his first week of life trying to latch onto dads nipple and the next two weeks basically looking at DH like he was useless). DH said he felt like Ezra had a "checklist of needs" and it felt good to be able to complete the checklist instead of hand the baby to me. Of course Ezra is still a mamas boy but it was nice to see Ezra and his dad bond in a basic way.

vinerie

JoMunson said:

Ezra got a bottle from DH for the first time yesterday (after spending his first week of life trying to latch onto dads nipple and the next two weeks basically looking at DH like he was useless). DH said he felt like Ezra had a "checklist of needs" and it felt good to be able to complete the checklist instead of hand the baby to me. Of course Ezra is still a mamas boy but it was nice to see Ezra and his dad bond in a basic way.

I have to say, watching LO try to latch onto DH's nipple gives us endless laughs. 

JoMunson

vinerie said:

JoMunson said:

Ezra got a bottle from DH for the first time yesterday (after spending his first week of life trying to latch onto dads nipple and the next two weeks basically looking at DH like he was useless). DH said he felt like Ezra had a "checklist of needs" and it felt good to be able to complete the checklist instead of hand the baby to me. Of course Ezra is still a mamas boy but it was nice to see Ezra and his dad bond in a basic way.

I have to say, watching LO try to latch onto DH's nipple gives us endless laughs. 

It's one of the funniest things ever! His little face just like "what the heck? This works on the other one!!"

bkjade

I relate to so many of these posts!

DH has been trying to help with Jet but she really just wants to eat during most of her awake time which is all me since we EBF.  I can tell by looking at him that he feels terrible he can't do more so I try and say encouraging things when he's able to do something helpful. 

The other day he said he wanted to dress and change her while I took a shower. When I came out he was like look at this awesome shirt (it was a dress) and these pants (sweats)! I *wanted* to change her outfit, but instead I was like she looks great babe  and we went to the pediatrician with our baby girl in blue sweatpants and a floral dress. Totally worth it to see him so proud, but seriously. . . the outfit combinations he picks out 

gingerbride26

So far I've been really lucky.  He's done more diapers than me and jumps to do anything because there is so much he just can't do for her and she still prefers me a little bit more when really colicky. He's completely over the moon and criedthe first time she smiled at him.  My only complaint would be that he's still acting like she's made of glass - which would be fine if he didn't keep telling me to mind her head and neck.  No sh!t sherlock.

JoMunson

bkjade said:

I relate to so many of these posts!

DH has been trying to help with Jet but she really just wants to eat during most of her awake time which is all me since we EBF.  I can tell by looking at him that he feels terrible he can't do more so I try and say encouraging things when he's able to do something helpful. 

The other day he said he wanted to dress and change her while I took a shower. When I came out he was like look at this awesome shirt (it was a dress) and these pants (sweats)! I *wanted* to change her outfit, but instead I was like she looks great babe  and we went to the pediatrician with our baby girl in blue sweatpants and a floral dress. Totally worth it to see him so proud, but seriously. . . the outfit combinations he picks out 

My DH put Ezra in a long sleeve thermal onesie and overall jeans...in 80 degree weather...

Karenpreggo

DH has been complaining about getting up at night. Im like "argh!"  Hes up 2-3 times tops to do a diaper and sound asleep otherwise.  No tiny person sucking on his boobs for 40 min at a time.  Diapers are NOT THE SAME THING. then he complains anout exhaustion.  Uggghh.  

yogahh

Karenpreggo said:

DH has been complaining about getting up at night. Im like "argh!"  Hes up 2-3 times tops to do a diaper and sound asleep otherwise.  No tiny person sucking on his boobs for 40 min at a time.  Diapers are NOT THE SAME THING. then he complains anout exhaustion.  Uggghh.  

At least he is doing diapers. Mine gets up to tell me the baby is up. Then goes back to bed...

DH really isn't doing much to help. I'm a one woman show with feelings, diapering, bathing, dressing, calming and putting to bed- on top of cleaning and cooking. I know now where the phrase "a mothers job is never done" comes from. When I go back to work beginning of August he will still be off (teacher) and will be staying home with her three days a week and she will be in DC two days. I told him last night in worried about him being home alone with her. Is he gonna go just stick her in a swing and ignore her all day??? I told him he needs to be more involved so he knows how to do these things when I'm not around (suggested he should "practice")

For example as I'm making dinner last night, he's sitting on the couch watching tv and playing on his phone. I started to feed her and handed her off mid bottle and asked him to finish. I come back from the kitchen and she hadn't eaten anything else. I asked him if she refused it. He says he didn't even try to give it to her?? I'm trying not to get upset as I think he is just slow to pick this all up, but seriously, he needs to step it up! He does other things for us like laundry and running out when we are out of formula, but he also needs to be a parent. 

saladflambe

I feel  ridiculously blessed to have my husband ...  Yesterday was an absolutely horrible day and Emma was fussy the entire day just screaming whenever she wasnt asleep ...  Which was basically all day because  she refused to nap.  My husband took her from like 6 PM until 1 AM bc I had lost my mind....  And he took her for a couple of hours in the morning as well so that I can get out of the house.  He handles her constant screaming episodes so much better than I do ... 

dsmith211

yogahh said:

Karenpreggo said:

DH has been complaining about getting up at night. Im like "argh!"  Hes up 2-3 times tops to do a diaper and sound asleep otherwise.  No tiny person sucking on his boobs for 40 min at a time.  Diapers are NOT THE SAME THING. then he complains anout exhaustion.  Uggghh.  

At least he is doing diapers. Mine gets up to tell me the baby is up. Then goes back to bed...

DH really isn't doing much to help. I'm a one woman show with feelings, diapering, bathing, dressing, calming and putting to bed- on top of cleaning and cooking. I know now where the phrase "a mothers job is never done" comes from. When I go back to work beginning of August he will still be off (teacher) and will be staying home with her three days a week and she will be in DC two days. I told him last night in worried about him being home alone with her. Is he gonna go just stick her in a swing and ignore her all day??? I told him he needs to be more involved so he knows how to do these things when I'm not around (suggested he should "practice")

For example as I'm making dinner last night, he's sitting on the couch watching tv and playing on his phone. I started to feed her and handed her off mid bottle and asked him to finish. I come back from the kitchen and she hadn't eaten anything else. I asked him if she refused it. He says he didn't even try to give it to her?? I'm trying not to get upset as I think he is just slow to pick this all up, but seriously, he needs to step it up! He does other things for us like laundry and running out when we are out of formula, but he also needs to be a parent. 

This is my DH completely. I fear for the day I have to go somewhere sans baby. He does other things around the house that I just can't get done and he's handled all of the insurance/bill stuff for the baby which I am thankful for, but I feel like he runs away from the baby-centric responsibilities sometimes. I'm sure it's bc he's still not confident in some of the stuff - I can see it in some of the stuff he does do - but he'll never be confident if he just has me do it all.

yogahh

dsmith211 said:

yogahh said:

Karenpreggo said:

DH has been complaining about getting up at night. Im like "argh!"  Hes up 2-3 times tops to do a diaper and sound asleep otherwise.  No tiny person sucking on his boobs for 40 min at a time.  Diapers are NOT THE SAME THING. then he complains anout exhaustion.  Uggghh.  

At least he is doing diapers. Mine gets up to tell me the baby is up. Then goes back to bed...

DH really isn't doing much to help. I'm a one woman show with feelings, diapering, bathing, dressing, calming and putting to bed- on top of cleaning and cooking. I know now where the phrase "a mothers job is never done" comes from. When I go back to work beginning of August he will still be off (teacher) and will be staying home with her three days a week and she will be in DC two days. I told him last night in worried about him being home alone with her. Is he gonna go just stick her in a swing and ignore her all day??? I told him he needs to be more involved so he knows how to do these things when I'm not around (suggested he should "practice")

For example as I'm making dinner last night, he's sitting on the couch watching tv and playing on his phone. I started to feed her and handed her off mid bottle and asked him to finish. I come back from the kitchen and she hadn't eaten anything else. I asked him if she refused it. He says he didn't even try to give it to her?? I'm trying not to get upset as I think he is just slow to pick this all up, but seriously, he needs to step it up! He does other things for us like laundry and running out when we are out of formula, but he also needs to be a parent. 

This is my DH completely. I fear for the day I have to go somewhere sans baby. He does other things around the house that I just can't get done and he's handled all of the insurance/bill stuff for the baby which I am thankful for, but I feel like he runs away from the baby-centric responsibilities sometimes. I'm sure it's bc he's still not confident in some of the stuff - I can see it in some of the stuff he does do - but he'll never be confident if he just has me do it all.

I hate to say it, but I am glad it is not just me. It has me questioning the thought of even having another... I can only hope he steps it up once she isn't as "fragile". But TBH, he is a bit selfish and lazy so maybe this is how he is really going to be. Even his mother noticed it and said something to him about it..