TL;DR: the bold part is the most important bit.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who post on this board. I'm mainly a lurker, but the information I've read on this board has been invaluable. So many of my questions have been answered just by reading what has already been shared. It's also reassuring to hear that I'm not entering single motherhood alone.
I'm currently 16w5d along and am due around October 29th. At about 2 months I decided that I could no longer be in a relationship with my baby's father. We had been dating for about 3 months when I discovered I was pregnant. Things went much faster than I thought they would and there are some decisions I wish I had made differently, but I'm excited for the fall and all the new challenges and adventures it will bring. I had a bad feeling about the relationship and was not happy. He lives about forty minutes away and every time I faced driving to his town I would break down in tears, completely unhappy. I was going to try and deal with it for the baby's sake, but I decided early on that the baby would be better off with a happy mom than one who dreaded seeing its dad.
BD hadn't done anything wrong exactly, but things did not sit right with me. He lived in a three room (living/kitchen, bathroom, 1 bedroom) apartment with his mother and slept on the couch. He is 38 years old and is perfectly content with this arrangement. If he wasn't sleeping there he was crashing on his best friend's couch--a house where drug use is common, but kept hidden from me (I would ask where he would disappear to and he wouldn't tell me or I would ask what was in the upstairs area where I had never been allowed to go and the subject would be changed or he would play dumb). His job is one that teenagers typically work and is part time only (2 pm to 5:30 pm during the week, only if school is in session). He has had three jobs in the last year and as soon as he started dating me he quit working with a catering company that supplemented his income. He only contributed to the cost of our dates if he had been paid that day or the day before. If I wasn't available to do something for him he waited for his mother to come home to do for him (buying groceries, getting medicine when sick, doing dishes, etc). We got a bad snow/ice storm while we were dating and he had the chance to go home, but decided to stay in my town, snowed in at a coworker's house where he hadn't asked or been invited to stay (an "oops I'm stuck" situation, even though he planned it). Before he got stuck at the coworker's his plan had been to get snowed in at work. His reason? He didn't want to be cut off "from the parties and fun". He would rather go out clubbing on the weekends (at almost 40) than spend time with me and in the process lost his (only) coat and wallet at a club. He gave out his social security number over the phone and had no worries that something could go wrong. His car is his only bill and is brand new when he doesn't have the finances to pay for it at all. This ridiculously long paragraph is only the tip of the iceberg of things that aren't 'bad' necessarily but put me off. I would have broken up with him no matter what the situation, it just came sooner because I began to think about the future and our child and not just myself.
I'm not perfect. I would never admit to being so. I live with my parents because I teach high school in my hometown and they have an entire floor of their house that they were able to give me as my own apartment. I have my own entrance and I pay the bills that are in my name and contribute to the ones that are in theirs. I also buy my grandparents' groceries every month because they live on a fixed income.
I know I am as complicit in this situation as he is and so I worry that others will think that I'm choosing to not be with him as punishment for me becoming pregnant unexpectedly. I know I shouldn't worry about what others think, but I live in a small town and people talk. When I broke up with him I told him that I would keep him updated and tell him about appointments. I've since told him that I am not comfortable with him being at the doctor's visits with me and that I will update him once a month (putting a firm line down because he was not respecting my wish of only communicating when I needed to give him an update; he was messaging me every Friday, not always about the pregnancy, and at odd hours and getting upset when I didn't respond right away). I don't plan to have him anywhere near me while giving birth and the baby will have my last name. He is in no position to give child support and I'm in no need of it. I don't want to shut him out of the child's life completely, but I dread having to deal with him in the future. Is there anything wrong with not putting him on the birth certificate and letting him pursue visitation and and all of that on his own? I won't stand in his way of what is reasonable, but I'm not going out of my way either, if that makes sense. I did enough going out of my way while we dated when I did all the driving to and from his house (even while pregnant and car rides made me sick, which he couldn't seem to understand).