FTM- expectation versus reality

JoMunson

my baby is almost 2 weeks old and there are definitely some things I thought I would/wouldn't do as a new mom that are the opposite now:
-I was very against pacifiers (the classic "makes no sense to give a baby something to suck that doesn't give food!"). I made it to day six and a three hour middle of the night comfort nursing before I realized their value.

-co sleeping. I wasn't against it necessarily but I didn't plan on doing it. Ezra has slept right next to me every night of his life and even when I try him in his rocker or crib I usually pull him out for snuggle time. We had to make our family bed safe quick because we just didn't plan for it.

-tv with the baby. I was planning on no tv once Ezra was born but he sleeps so much it seems like a dumb rule to follow. I try to only have kids shows/appropriate shows on, and not at all if he's awake, but this kid has been exposed to way more tv already than I thought.

-breastfeeding is harder than I thought it would be, and I am having a relatively easy time. I'm always hungry or thirsty, one boob produces a lot more so I feed more on that side (one day I tried the equal feeding and the next day I had like three blocked ducts on the "good" side). 

-I'm a teacher so I don't have to go back until September, but man do I wish I could just stay at home with this little guy forever! I thought I'd be itching to go back to work but I wish DH would look at the budget and find a way for me to stay home!

TheThornBird

LO is only 4 days old, so things may change, but I'm honestly having a blast. I thought a newborn would be incredibly stressful, and to be honest I didn't even really want to have a baby. While it is way more work than I thought it would be, I'm having so much fun with her and MH. Hubby has also been a million times more incredible than I expected; I thought I'd be doing most of the work while he sat around enjoying a couple weeks off, but he has really stepped it up and become an equal partner in this. I'll be really sad when he has to go back to work. 

As far as parenting specifics, I thought I'd be really into all the attachment parenting stuff but I'm not. I was really into the ideas of co-sleeping and constant baby-wearing/holding, but have realized I want her to be a little more independent. We still hold her a ton and always go to her when she fusses, but I don't feel the need to be in constant contact with her. 

I love breastfeeding way more than I thought I would. My nipples feel and look like hell, my back hurts like crazy, and I leak milk all over the place, but holy cow I just love watching that little girl eat.

I had no idea I could ever love anyone as much as I love LO and MH right now. Seriously, I cry just thinking about it or looking at the two of them together. 

businessmama

I thought that it would be rough getting up every three hours to feed at night, but now three hours is a blessing.... It is usually hourly.

I also thought I would make my DH change more diapers, but it's right next to the glider where I nurse so I usually knock it out.

I also thought I would be 100% in love with my baby boy, but I realized that there is no number high enough that matches with my love for little man.

folamij

Basically I'm experiencing a lot of "no, I won't do that" vs. "remember when I said I wouldn't do that? Yeah, I had no clue!"

For example: not putting my baby down because I know in 15 minutes she'll want to eat, and it's easier to hold her and check TB then get out of hospital bed and put her in her bassinet.

Kurrant

I expected to be tired and stressed out for the first while. I told DH jokingly when pregnant that I wish we could skip the newborn phase. I never imagined that it would be as stressful as it has been. Sleeping 1 to 2 hours at a time with a colicky baby screaming her head off isn't just stressful . . . it's depressing and miserable. 

I expected MH to be more helpful as he has been through this 4 other times. He 'helps' with her at night ( by which I mean he stands over her bassinet and tells her to stop crying ) but he doesn't soothe her, change her, feed her any of the milk I have pumped or bathe her. After making a comment about it he semi-sarcastically agreed to change one diaper a weekend. Gee Thanks! Don't get me wrong . . . He works and I stay home with baby and I am thankful for that but I'm having some real meltdown days where I just want to have 5 minutes. 

I expected to be going out for walks with her every day but that just hasn't happened. I've been out with her twice so far in her two and a half weeks of life. I keep skipping walks to try and get some day time naps in for myself but with it taking over an hour to get her to sleep and 2-3 hours between feeds I don't have time for that either.

I expected to be cheery not constantly questioning if I'm just feeling down in the dumps or if its PPD that's making me feel so crappy all the time.  I have a some fleeting moments of complete joy but they are so few and far between.  I love watching her sleep but I dread the moment she wakes up because I know it will take ages to get her relaxed again. The moments where I don't have a shrieking baby attached to me and I have finished all the housework are spent crying for no apparent reason aside from feeling tired and stressed.

I never expected to completely change my mind on having a second baby.  MH and I are both single children and agreed that we really wanted a second one so that she would have a full sibling near her age but honestly I can't imagine going through with that now. I know that chances are baby2 wouldn't be nearly as bad as this but I don't even feel like I want to risk it. I'm sure this feeling will go away but I just can't imagine going through this again all while still having MH tell me to "grow up" when I get weepy and with a toddler who is depending on me as well as a new baby.

I know that it all might sound horrible. It's not that I don't love Lucy or wish I never had her or anything like that. I love her beyond words but I constantly feel like a failure. Isn't it supposed to be just a tad easier than this? Is she supposed to cry for half of the hours in the day? Some people are meant to be moms . . . I'm not sure I am one of them.  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I'm really feeling awful and don't have anyone to vent to besides you ladies.

thismakes4

Kurrant said:

I expected to be tired and stressed out for the first while. I told DH jokingly when pregnant that I wish we could skip the newborn phase. I never imagined that it would be as stressful as it has been. Sleeping 1 to 2 hours at a time with a colicky baby screaming her head off isn't just stressful . . . it's depressing and miserable. 

I expected MH to be more helpful as he has been through this 4 other times. He 'helps' with her at night ( by which I mean he stands over her bassinet and tells her to stop crying ) but he doesn't soothe her, change her, feed her any of the milk I have pumped or bathe her. After making a comment about it he semi-sarcastically agreed to change one diaper a weekend. Gee Thanks! Don't get me wrong . . . He works and I stay home with baby and I am thankful for that but I'm having some real meltdown days where I just want to have 5 minutes. 

I expected to be going out for walks with her every day but that just hasn't happened. I've been out with her twice so far in her two and a half weeks of life. I keep skipping walks to try and get some day time naps in for myself but with it taking over an hour to get her to sleep and 2-3 hours between feeds I don't have time for that either.

I expected to be cheery not constantly questioning if I'm just feeling down in the dumps or if its PPD that's making me feel so crappy all the time.  I have a some fleeting moments of complete joy but they are so few and far between.  I love watching her sleep but I dread the moment she wakes up because I know it will take ages to get her relaxed again. The moments where I don't have a shrieking baby attached to me and I have finished all the housework are spent crying for no apparent reason aside from feeling tired and stressed.

I never expected to completely change my mind on having a second baby.  MH and I are both single children and agreed that we really wanted a second one so that she would have a full sibling near her age but honestly I can't imagine going through with that now. I know that chances are baby2 wouldn't be nearly as bad as this but I don't even feel like I want to risk it. I'm sure this feeling will go away but I just can't imagine going through this again all while still having MH tell me to "grow up" when I get weepy and with a toddler who is depending on me as well as a new baby.

I know that it all might sound horrible. It's not that I don't love Lucy or wish I never had her or anything like that. I love her beyond words but I constantly feel like a failure. Isn't it supposed to be just a tad easier than this? Is she supposed to cry for half of the hours in the day? Some people are meant to be moms . . . I'm not sure I am one of them.  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I'm really feeling awful and don't have anyone to vent to besides you ladies.

This is so sad to read because when I had DS1 I was in that same place that you are in now. It was so incredibly hard for me and I felt like the biggest failure ever as a mother. I cried and cried. DS wouldn’t let me put him down so I spent every night walking around and holding him and feeding him and it was miserable and exhausting. MH also wasn’t helpful. In fact, he was never home. He would leave for 2-3 weeks, be home for 2 days and then gone again for 2-3 weeks so he really had no idea where my mind was during all this and would tell me to just “suck it up”.

I also contemplated not having any more children because I didn’t feel like a good mom or that I couldn’t care for bigger kid and newborn. Plus, I had a horrible delivery. Well, I ended up pregnant 3 months after having DS and my boys are 1 year and 12 days apart in age. Let me tell you…it was so much easier the second time around. I felt like a pro. I didn’t have baby blues or PPD. He even had his nights and days switched but I was so much more comfortable being a mother. It was still hard at times but not like what you’re feeling now.

You recognizing that you feel bad for feeling this way shows that you are meant to be a mom. Lucy loves you and you love her. She is only 2.5 weeks old! Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will get into your groove. And this feeling will go away and you will have more good days than bad.

If I can offer any advice, it would be to have family or friends help. I called my mom everyday crying and she would come over just to hold the baby while I slept or showered. Or she would cook a meal or clean for me. It made a difference to my sanity. You need to take care of yourself mama. Also, talk to your Dr. and tell them your concerns… that’s what they are there for.

lbachran

@Kurrant, you too, huh? I'm not going to lie, LO sleeps in a pack n play in our room and I often find myself playing possum anytime he stirs. And I feel like crud everytime I do it, but it's just so hard when he's awake! He nurses 8 or more hours a day and over the last 3 days has started sleeping less and less (like 6 hrs a day in 1.5 intervals). When he's awake, he's either on my boob or crying unless he's strapped to me in the ka'tan or laying on my chest. He just turned one month and I honestly thought it would get easier, but it just seems to be getting worse. I love him, but I hate this stage and find myself snapping at DH and resenting my friends with their easy babies. I had all these visions of reading and playing with my cooing son, but he screams at me whever I read to him or try to engage him with a toy. I've never been a baby person and it feels like this just re enforces that I'm terrible with them. 

MsIan

JoMunson said:

my baby is almost 2 weeks old and there are definitely some things I thought I would/wouldn't do as a new mom that are the opposite now:
-I was very against pacifiers (the classic "makes no sense to give a baby something to suck that doesn't give food!"). I made it to day six and a three hour middle of the night comfort nursing before I realized their value.

-co sleeping. I wasn't against it necessarily but I didn't plan on doing it. Ezra has slept right next to me every night of his life and even when I try him in his rocker or crib I usually pull him out for snuggle time. We had to make our family bed safe quick because we just didn't plan for it.

-tv with the baby. I was planning on no tv once Ezra was born but he sleeps so much it seems like a dumb rule to follow. I try to only have kids shows/appropriate shows on, and not at all if he's awake, but this kid has been exposed to way more tv already than I thought.

-breastfeeding is harder than I thought it would be, and I am having a relatively easy time. I'm always hungry or thirsty, one boob produces a lot more so I feed more on that side (one day I tried the equal feeding and the next day I had like three blocked ducts on the "good" side). 

-I'm a teacher so I don't have to go back until September, but man do I wish I could just stay at home with this little guy forever! I thought I'd be itching to go back to work but I wish DH would look at the budget and find a way for me to stay home!

 you took the words right out of my mouth! I was very against pacifiers and now we use one, sparingly, but we do. We use the pacifier to change him and at night when he has bad gas. 

We don't co sleep often, but some times those little one is inconsolable and just wants some mommy and daddy time. It's definitely helped when we had a few rough nights with him. 

My mom came to visit and MH was home from work for a while so the TV was on more than I'd like. MH is also convinced that babies need noise in the background shop they can become immune to it later... Either way, mom is gone, H is back at work, so I'm going to try to lessen the TV-on time.

And I agree BF ing is hard, but I also love it. And I'm not slated to go back to work until mid-September but I could definitely stay home with this munchkin longer. H is convinced I probably won't go back. I will lol 

mello13

@Kurrant  First, let me take a moment to tell you you're doing a great job! I know you don't feel like it, but you are. You are struggling with a colicky baby, a spouse that isn't offering you physical or emotional support, and potentially PPD. I implore you, talk to your doctor! The better you are the better you'll be able to care for Lucy. PPD is not a joke. It's not a bad mood, or something you are whining about. You can't just "suck it up" or change how you feel (because you would obviously have done that already were it that easy!). There is a hormonal and chemical change in your body that you have zero control over. Do not feel guilty, do feel like you've done something wrong, do not feel like you aren't meant to be a mom. You don't have to do this alone. Please talk to your doctor so you can start feeling better now.

As for your husband, I'm so sorry you're dealing with his lack of care and support. He might do well to educate himself on babies. Crying is all they can do. They can't get it together more than that for a long time, so that's how they communicate. Avoiding it or otherwise hoping to condition the baby to not cry will only end in failure and torture the baby! He may have had previous children, but clearly that doesn't matter. If he cannot or will not be an emotional and physical support for you is there someone else you could call? A parent, friend or family member? Have them help. You shouldn't have to feel alone and frustrated. 

Regarding the colic, (and you may have tried all this) is she breastfed or bottle fed? I was a colicky baby and it turns out I had a severe milk allergy. I ended up needing a special formula to survive because breast feeding and other formulas didn't help. I have a friend who recently went through this with her daughter. She had to modify her diet because the baby had food sensitivities that were coming through the breast milk causing issues. She also was able to get the baby to sleep on her side after talking to her pediatrician. Just a couple of things to consider that maybe might make it a bit better if you haven't talked to the doctor about them yet. 

I just want to encourage you again to take care of yourself. The better you are the better everyone will be. 

salbb

@Kurrant  I don't have anything much to add as there is great advice above - I just wanted to be another voice to say you're doing great and try and be kind to yourself it can be bloody hard!!! 

mrstmoose

@Kurrant - the ladies above gave amazing advice. But really, your husband is acting like a jerk right now and it sounds like you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him. Standing over a newborn and saying "stop crying" isn't going to work. 

Are there any resources in your community that you can locate that can help you through this? I also think you should talk to your doctor about PPD.

missnc77

I don't think I had many expectations, but it's more like living the reality of things I knew would happen. I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep, but I didn't have a way to really understand what exactly it would be like to go close to two weeks now without sleeping more than a 2.5 hour block of sleep. I fell into such a deep sleep last night that I woke up completely confused about where I was or what point we were at with LO's feedings. I first thought maybe my husband was out of the room changing her, and I was supposed to be setting up to feed. Then I looked over and saw my husband asleep in bed. Then I looked at the clock and couldn't understand by looking at the time at what point in the night we were at, and it took several minutes for me to connect all the dots and remember that we fed her, she calmed and went back to sleep, and I was just waking up because I had to go to the bathroom. It's so bizarre. And this is for some reason making me teary eyed typing it. The lack of sleep really gets to you on every level, and I am terrified of my husband going back to work next week and having to handle these nightly feedings on my own when he has to fly the next day. I just have to keep telling myself this stage is not forever.

I miss dressing up, putting on make-up, and going out for cocktails and a nice dinner. I didn't expect I'd be doing that right off the bat or anything, but it is wearing. Yesterday, I gambled and had my first glass of wine immediately after feeding her since it's okay to do this so long as the baby won't eat for another 2-3 hours. It was so nice having my first legit glass of wine since becoming pregnant, but I think it made me realize how I miss not having a baby depend on me either in the womb or now out of the womb.

I'm totally on board with feeling like one child is good enough for me even though I previously wanted 2, and I'd even give my baby credit in saying that since she will at least feed and go back to sleep in the middle of the night, she's not exactly a hard baby. @Kurrant I'm so sorry with what you're going through. My husband still says he wants two, but holy shit. This isn't easy at all. I love my LO so much. I think she's the cutest thing ever, and she's already making me laugh and bringing me joy. I can't believe we made such a beautiful thing. But it is HARD. It's hard because we're trying to recover from such a big thing to happen to our bodies, but we're not getting the rest and relaxation we need to fully recover. Even more so, we're expending more energy trying to nurture and feed our babies, and it's taxing. Don't say you weren't meant to be a mom. You sound like you're working your ass off trying to soothe and help her, and you're here seeking more advice and support. If you didn't care and/or you weren't a good mother, you wouldn't be here wondering what you could do to help her. I anticipate that in the grand scheme of things these first 6 weeks are going to be a blip long-term, and that I will eventually come back around to wanting to do this again for #2. 

Merinmac

Kurrant said:

I expected to be tired and stressed out for the first while. I told DH jokingly when pregnant that I wish we could skip the newborn phase. I never imagined that it would be as stressful as it has been. Sleeping 1 to 2 hours at a time with a colicky baby screaming her head off isn't just stressful . . . it's depressing and miserable. 

I expected MH to be more helpful as he has been through this 4 other times. He 'helps' with her at night ( by which I mean he stands over her bassinet and tells her to stop crying ) but he doesn't soothe her, change her, feed her any of the milk I have pumped or bathe her. After making a comment about it he semi-sarcastically agreed to change one diaper a weekend. Gee Thanks! Don't get me wrong . . . He works and I stay home with baby and I am thankful for that but I'm having some real meltdown days where I just want to have 5 minutes. 

I expected to be going out for walks with her every day but that just hasn't happened. I've been out with her twice so far in her two and a half weeks of life. I keep skipping walks to try and get some day time naps in for myself but with it taking over an hour to get her to sleep and 2-3 hours between feeds I don't have time for that either.

I expected to be cheery not constantly questioning if I'm just feeling down in the dumps or if its PPD that's making me feel so crappy all the time.  I have a some fleeting moments of complete joy but they are so few and far between.  I love watching her sleep but I dread the moment she wakes up because I know it will take ages to get her relaxed again. The moments where I don't have a shrieking baby attached to me and I have finished all the housework are spent crying for no apparent reason aside from feeling tired and stressed.

I never expected to completely change my mind on having a second baby.  MH and I are both single children and agreed that we really wanted a second one so that she would have a full sibling near her age but honestly I can't imagine going through with that now. I know that chances are baby2 wouldn't be nearly as bad as this but I don't even feel like I want to risk it. I'm sure this feeling will go away but I just can't imagine going through this again all while still having MH tell me to "grow up" when I get weepy and with a toddler who is depending on me as well as a new baby.

I know that it all might sound horrible. It's not that I don't love Lucy or wish I never had her or anything like that. I love her beyond words but I constantly feel like a failure. Isn't it supposed to be just a tad easier than this? Is she supposed to cry for half of the hours in the day? Some people are meant to be moms . . . I'm not sure I am one of them.  Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer but I'm really feeling awful and don't have anyone to vent to besides you ladies.

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I'm still waiting for my LO to show up, and there are so many things I'm worried about, but honestly my biggest fear is that she will be colicky. One of my siblings was colicky and it was the worst. The. Worst. If we could ever get him to sleep, the entire family would do absolutely ANYTHING to keep him asleep. We would turn the vacuum cleaner on and let it run all afternoon, and no one would complain, because it was better than a screaming baby. We would tiptoe around like crazy people. Everyone memorized every squeaky board and cupboard door in the house.

PPs have had a lot of great suggestions for you, and I'm sure you've tried almost everything already. White noise did help my brother, but the thing that ultimately did the trick was just plain old time. He had to grow out of it. Your little Lucy will grow out of it, I promise. It may be by far the longest and most awful stretch of time in your entire life, but it will pass. It will. You know you love her; it's ok if you don't always like her right now, you know?

Just try to hang on, and be kind to yourself as much as you can. This isn't your fault. It isn't something you did. It isn't because you're a bad mom. You just got a difficult baby. It happens. It sucks. I really wish your H could be a little more understanding; the problem is that even if he's had other kids, if they weren't colicky, it's not the same. This is a different beast. He needs to help out, hold her and change her once in a while, for YOUR sake, so you can have those precious 5 minutes here and there to take a shower or walk around the block by yourself or go get a latte or SOMETHING besides stare helplessly at your poor miserable baby. You need him almost more than she does right now. If he can't or won't step up for his family, then I hope you have a friend or a relative that you can rely on, to talk to honestly and say "I'm having a really hard time right now and I need someone to give me a break." It's so hard to ask for help. But you need help. Lucy needs you to have help.

And please, please, please talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. It probably is "just" the sleep-deprived misery of a mom with a colicky baby, but if it's PPD, you can't take chances. Get the help you need.

You're not a bad mom. Lucy is not a bad baby. You're just going through a really hard time, together. It will get better, I promise.

and_peggy

I am a lot more jealous of other people holding her than I expected to be. I never thought I'd hold her this much but she's so dang snuggly and sweet. Didn't expect to be formula feeding but nursing/pumping just didn't work. I can't believe I'm as in love with her as much as I am.

LadySamLady

@missnc77 well said on so many fronts!

I didn't have too many expectations but there is a huge difference between living this and imagining what it would be like to live it.

I am surprised by how well breastfeeding is going for us but even with a good latch and decent supply it is truly one of most difficult (and rewarding) things I've ever done. I can't believe how much time I spend with this beautiful baby attached to my boob every night and day. I never quite realized I'd become a human pacifier, something that is both frustrating and fulfilling at the same time. It feels wonderful to provide her with that comfort but it's really not my idea of a great time. 

Learning what it means and how it feels to be a mother has been very humbling and empowering. My H is so wonderful with Holly but most of the time she just wants her mommy. It's strange because I know how it feels to want my mommy, and now this little baby is feeling that same way about me. It kind of blows my mind. 

baby-2-due

I haven't caved on giving her a pacifier but have been quite tempted which I didn't think I would be. The lactation consultant had me supplementing pumped milk and formula after I nursed on both sides because her mouth was so small she couldn't stay latched for so long. Now I find myself pumping and bottle feeding more than I would like and I honestly thought I would only breast feed. 
I also have let her co sleep with us and SO is not a fan but sometimes after she nurses I'm so tired while I wait for her to fall asleep that I fall asleep so it's a little more safe for me to position her and let her co sleep. This week has been better and she has stayed in the cradle the last three or four nights. 
i honestly didn't think I would be so emotional after we got home. I'm fine during the day but as soon as SO gets home I tear up or full blown cry and I don't know why half the time! It just started the last two or three days and she's 2 weeks old now. 
I didn't expect her to grow so quickly and I definitely didn't expect to miss being pregnant, but sometimes I catch myself rubbing my belly and wishing I could still feel movement. SO says at least a year or so before we try for another, which is fine but I miss the pregnancy. Is that weird?

PYLWhammy

@Kurrant you are not a failure .. you sound like an great mama doing everything you can to take care of your baby. Lucy is LUCKY to have you! I just hope you can get a break soon, you deserve it.

dsmith211

Ditto on the pacifier. We were trying to avoid it for the first few weeks and we caved.

Also, I figured I might have an easier time with breastfeeding. The plan was to eventually exclusively pump when he started daycare in August, but he has such a lazy latch and has made it pretty difficult. I can manage to get a nursing session in every few days if he's in a good mood late at night, but as of now we've pretty much moved just to pumping.

LadySamLady

I'm in the minority here on this one. I totally assumed we'd use a pacifier really early and even brought one to the hospital but my girl is just not into it.

kp90

I wish my LO would take a pacifier. Instead she likes to chew on my nipple to soothe and fall asleep. I am currently searching for other types of pacifiers in hopes that helps. 

JoMunson

kp90 said:

I wish my LO would take a pacifier. Instead she likes to chew on my nipple to soothe and fall asleep. I am currently searching for other types of pacifiers in hopes that helps. 

Ezra only likes one specific type of pacifier. We got him three types to try and he'll really only take one. I think babies can be weirdly brand loyal.

LadySamLady

kp90 said:

I wish my LO would take a pacifier. Instead she likes to chew on my nipple to soothe and fall asleep. I am currently searching for other types of pacifiers in hopes that helps. 

Me too. 

bookelf221

Most of my expectations went out the window with birth since I ended up needing a c-section. But from that I will say the recovery from the c-section hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I will admit I keep trying to do too much so I keep questioning whether or not I need to be concerned about a feeling or whatever. But overall, it's been surprisingly good. To the point that for baby #2 I'm not going to try for a VBAC we'll just do a repeat c-section. I've been told that it's because of the c-section but the postpartum bleeding has not been nearly as bad as I expected- but it comes and goes in waves- which also is not what I expected but when I called my dr with questions she said it was fine as long as I'm not passing huge clots. I'll see her on Friday to check my incision. 

The baby has been not nearly as bad as I expected. Part of that is that she is still sleeping off the last of her mild case of jaundice. She is not a fan of breast feeding- can only get her to latch for a little bit at a time and she rarely latches well so my nipples hurt like hell- but we've been mostly feeding her with bottles and pumped milk. Pumping milk is not nearly as painful as I expected either. It sucks for the first 2 minutes but then I'm good. I think one of the reasons I'm so relaxed is my husband has stepped up to be Super Husband/ Super Dad. He's being doing all the laundry, dishes, soothing her a ton, lots of skin to skin time, feeding her, changing her, etc. He's so hands on and it's perfect. We finally figured out a system last night for us that allows each of us to get a decent amount of sleep so hopefully Evelyn let's us keep that up at least a little while longer.