Please help, dont know what to think and/or do....

mommato3loves

Im currently 36 weeks pregnant with mine & my husbands 1st child. I have a Ds (6) & Dd (3) from previous relationship. And he has a Dd (4) that is special needs from his previous marriage. Lately (im hoping because of my hormones) I just cant be happy about her presense. And for more than one reason i feel. Her mother is continously trying to take us to court for more and more money that we dont have. And i feel like i see so much of her mother in her. Which i feel could be one reason for my feelings. And two, because my husband gets into these moods where he gets jealous that my kids are here all of the time and she isnt, and i completely understand that but he is ugly in a certain tone to Me and them when he gets like that. Wanting to fuss them for everything they do and then pointing out the differences in their behaviors and how i disipline them all. So then when she is here i almost dont want anything to do with her. I rather send my kids to their dads then have them deal with it. And as for me i just dont say anything, i just suck it all up and let it be. Mainly cause i feel bad for him. I know he wishes he could have her all of the time, but reality is that he cant and we cant do anything anout it. Im just worried that when my daughter is born hes gonna push my kids and his newnborn aside even more. I almost have this jealousy that he wont ever care for our daughter like he does for her. I become frustrated because when she is here i am the one that takes care of her as i always have done and will always continue to do because dad thinks its appropriate to make plans with the guys every weekend he has her, hes always made me go pick her up an hour away on Fridays even though he gets off early. She has a complicated and rare condition. One of her traits are behavior problems and i find it increasingly hard to deal with cause he is no support. I discipline her as i do the others because she needs it so badly to insure a good future since she will never be independent, but he is consistently going behind me and allowing her to do whatever she pleases. Which then makes me angry even more when my daughter does something and hes right there to pin it on her and make sure i dang near chastise her... I just dont know what to do, im begining to feel like i cant do this anymore. Like i cant be a stepparent or a wife. Idk what to do.

mommato3loves

And its so much more than that. She has fits for him and hits me and throws tantrums when he isnt home. She hits the other kids and i worry about the baby. Shes been caught biting. And she pulls everything out that she knows she isnt supposed to play with, and my husbands excuse is dont put it where she can get it. Hell, no. She is a child and she will learn not to touch things she doesnt belong playing with. Heaven forbid my daughter would do it (which she doesnt, my son & daughter both are well disciplined) but itd be the end of the world had she done anything. The other day she was crying cause she didnt feel well and he grabbed her and when put her in her room and closed the door so he wouldnt have to hear her. Is it so bad that she didnt feel well and just wanted her mom? But because his daughter isnt here i feel he just hates my daughter. Not to mention me and her father have a wonderful relationship anytime he calls for her i let her go and i think that he is jealous of that but i WISH him and his ex could be that way i stead of always so angry!!!

blended10

It sounds like you have a lot of different things at play: relationship between your kids & dh, dh & his ex, you & sd, disabilities, not to mention your relationship w/ dh. I'd strongly encourage counseling for you two to get on the same page.
ive been a sm for 14 years now & my relationship with sd is tough. She reminds me a lot of her bm & I think she gets away with murder. But I love her a lot & I know bio kids come with their own challenges. 
Try not to take it out on her, she's so little after all.

TwizBeans

You need to have a serious sit down conversation with your husband OR get marriage counseling. Your problems are with him and NOT this innocent 4 year old that obviously has problems of her own. No 4 year old, especially your stepchild with special needs should have to feel the brunt of any of your problems. That is totally not fair. None of the problems you and your husband are experiencing with her mother should ever have an effect on this poor child.

Your husband needs to grow up and you guys need to find a way to work together for the sake of your blended family. These kids are innocent and don't deserve any of the crap it sounds like they have to deal with. You could be causing serious problems for them if you don't knock it off and be adults. If you guys can't love each others children unconditionally then you shouldn't be married.

mommato3loves

Twizbeans you need a counselor for negativity. People come on here to express their woes and worries and you are just around to make people feel like they are failing. I have taken care of my step daughter since sept of last year putting me not only into the blended family criteria but special needs parenting as well. Two things that are both hard in its own. I struggle often with my emotions cause here i am, i have 3 kids and one on the way, one who needs constant supervision because she could potentially hard her health and well being, on top of that being a dtay at home mom and keep my house & yard up, warm food on the table, clothes clean and kids cared for. I dont get extra help. And im not complaining this is the life i chose for myself. But if i wanna go and vent because im stressed out, then i can do that without expecting someone to make me feel even worse. Considering i so gractiously expressed my feelings in my post, you are welcome to believe how you please. But i can garuntee one thing. I am not ugly, to her or my children, nor to my husband infront of them. We are very adamant about not fighting infront of our kids and i would never ever treat my step daughter anydifferent than i do my own teo kids. I was simply expressing how my husband makes me feel at time and how his actions and words make me want to pull my hair out. But these feelings are inner and they will stay there. My grandma always told me, choose the man you want to spend your life with then you spend your life chosing the battles worth fighting if you want him to stay. I love my husband i expect life to be hard at times especially now, me this pregnant and work all wonky like it is down here and his exwife constantly trying to bring us to court. Well shoot we're allowed to lose touch and become frustrated with one another. It doesn't need a counselor it needs a few days to cool off and remind ourselves that this is our lives and we love eachother and we're in it for the long run. So excuse my angry post if you will but im allowed to vent. Many others do so on here as well. Its the way it goes. But offering only negative posts and ill words are not quite right!

TwizBeans

mommato3loves said:

Twizbeans you need a counselor for negativity. People come on here to express their woes and worries and you are just around to make people feel like they are failing. I have taken care of my step daughter since sept of last year putting me not only into the blended family criteria but special needs parenting as well. Two things that are both hard in its own. I struggle often with my emotions cause here i am, i have 3 kids and one on the way, one who needs constant supervision because she could potentially hard her health and well being, on top of that being a dtay at home mom and keep my house & yard up, warm food on the table, clothes clean and kids cared for. I dont get extra help. And im not complaining this is the life i chose for myself. But if i wanna go and vent because im stressed out, then i can do that without expecting someone to make me feel even worse. Considering i so gractiously expressed my feelings in my post, you are welcome to believe how you please. But i can garuntee one thing. I am not ugly, to her or my children, nor to my husband infront of them. We are very adamant about not fighting infront of our kids and i would never ever treat my step daughter anydifferent than i do my own teo kids. I was simply expressing how my husband makes me feel at time and how his actions and words make me want to pull my hair out. But these feelings are inner and they will stay there. My grandma always told me, choose the man you want to spend your life with then you spend your life chosing the battles worth fighting if you want him to stay. I love my husband i expect life to be hard at times especially now, me this pregnant and work all wonky like it is down here and his exwife constantly trying to bring us to court. Well shoot we're allowed to lose touch and become frustrated with one another. It doesn't need a counselor it needs a few days to cool off and remind ourselves that this is our lives and we love eachother and we're in it for the long run. So excuse my angry post if you will but im allowed to vent. Many others do so on here as well. Its the way it goes. But offering only negative posts and ill words are not quite right!

tl;dr

You made things sound pretty bad in your OP and if you just need "a few days to cool off" then perhaps you should have said that in the beginning. Something like "just venting".

It's pretty clear that I don't feel sorry for people who complain about their stepchildren on this board. I simply feel for the innocent children. I have a stepchild of my own so this hits close to home.

Vent all you want but just know that people might give an opinion you won't like, such as mine, but I'm not violating any rules or the TOU. I gave you sound advice but you just didn't want to hear it. Or maybe you wanted someone to say the same thing but only nicer. Who knows. Sounds like you blew things out of proportion in your post and they aren't as bad as you made it sound.

Good luck to you.

mommato3loves

Of course i did. I was angry but in my eyes i rather release my frustration to a bunch of strangers cause heaven knows i would never do it at home. Also, after getting that off my chest i felt 10x lighter.

izza2

mommato3loves said:

Twizbeans you need a counselor for negativity. People come on here to express their woes and worries and you are just around to make people feel like they are failing. I have taken care of my step daughter since sept of last year putting me not only into the blended family criteria but special needs parenting as well. Two things that are both hard in its own. I struggle often with my emotions cause here i am, i have 3 kids and one on the way, one who needs constant supervision because she could potentially hard her health and well being, on top of that being a dtay at home mom and keep my house & yard up, warm food on the table, clothes clean and kids cared for. I dont get extra help. And im not complaining this is the life i chose for myself. But if i wanna go and vent because im stressed out, then i can do that without expecting someone to make me feel even worse. Considering i so gractiously expressed my feelings in my post, you are welcome to believe how you please. But i can garuntee one thing. I am not ugly, to her or my children, nor to my husband infront of them. We are very adamant about not fighting infront of our kids and i would never ever treat my step daughter anydifferent than i do my own teo kids. I was simply expressing how my husband makes me feel at time and how his actions and words make me want to pull my hair out. But these feelings are inner and they will stay there. My grandma always told me, choose the man you want to spend your life with then you spend your life chosing the battles worth fighting if you want him to stay. I love my husband i expect life to be hard at times especially now, me this pregnant and work all wonky like it is down here and his exwife constantly trying to bring us to court. Well shoot we're allowed to lose touch and become frustrated with one another. It doesn't need a counselor it needs a few days to cool off and remind ourselves that this is our lives and we love eachother and we're in it for the long run. So excuse my angry post if you will but im allowed to vent. Many others do so on here as well. Its the way it goes. But offering only negative posts and ill words are not quite right!

mommato3loves said:

Of course i did. I was angry but in my eyes i rather release my frustration to a bunch of strangers cause heaven knows i would never do it at home. Also, after getting that off my chest i felt 10x lighter.

If you weren't looking for advice or thoughts on what to do and you were only looking to vent, then don't put "please help" in your title. "Please help" means you need HELP and you're looking for advice on what to do. Don't jump down someone's throat for doing just that, when your title indicates you're asking for it.
As well, this is a public forum. You can't dictate how people respond. If you want to make a dear diary post and not get any replies - start a blog or get a pen and paper.
And really, why point her out in specific for suggesting counseling, when the other poster did the same? Really now?


As for the post - as much as you say you don't take things out on your SD; I can say that if you're starting to feel like you can't be happy with her around or you're not happy with her coming over - then you are affecting her. Maybe you're not arguing in front of her, or purposely taking things out on her, but I can guarantee you that if you're feeling that way when she's over, she's picking up on that and feeding off of it. Kids have an excellent ability to pick up how their parents and the adults around them are feeling, and reacting to it.
Your relationship with your SO is strained. Whether you want to admit it or not. If you felt the need to come on to a random public forum and share this long of a post of frustration, then you need to think long and hard about your situation. You said yourself that your SO seems to resent and be unhappy about the fact that your kids are there 24/7 and his daughter is not. You said yourself that he holds your children and his to different standards and it's not pleasing you. Your entire post was a rant about your husband's behaviour and how he treats you and your children and how you can't take it all, long story short.
If it's causing you so much turmoil and aggravation that you felt the need to make an account here and make this post -- then you need to seriously consider marriage counseling if your own discussions with him don't yield any results.

TwizBeans

@izza2 ::slow clap:: VERY well put. All of it.

And can I just say how much I LOVE Roseanne! Nice siggy

mothernorth

I don't think @TwizBeans had anything negative or off color to say, only expressed her concerns (which she is entitled to) with her advice, which I have to say was sound advice.
I also agree with @izza2 and I have to third the counseling advice. Yes, it is easier said than done, but from what you have posted it sounds like it would not only be of great benefit to you and your entire family, but at this point likely necessary to salvage and rebuild healthy relationships with everybody involved. Please don't mistake this for being judgemental, just putting in my two cents, and I'm sorry your going through all of this turmoil during pregnancy.