Nitty Gritty Advice for FTM

angelz429

Hey! I haven't seen a post like this, so I apologize if it's redundant, but I have a lot of pregnant FTM friends and they've asked me for the nitty gritty that no one tells you before/during pregnancy. So I thought I'd take the opportunity to start this thread for us STM+ to be able to give our favorite nitty gritty advice/warnings. 

Mine is as follows:
Buy nipple cream if you plan on breastfeeding/pumping. It's like Chapstick for your nipples. No one told me this with DS, and I got chapped nipples. The. Worst. You still have to pump/feed and it's just pure agony. I started using nipple cream after that and it was the first thing I bought this pregnancy because I'm NOT going through that again lol. 

sweetlyuntied

I think the biggest shock for me was how completely freaking insane I was post-partum. I did not have PPD, but my emotions were all over the road. I didn't start feeling like myself again until the 1-2 month mark. You do eventually find your new normal, it just takes a while.

Also, my first thought when I held my daughter was "Look at this beautiful baby!" I thought she was amazing but I definitely did not have this overwhelming sense of maternal bonding with her. I was a very attentive and caring mother. I had moments where I was overcome
by emotion (see above). But I don't know if I really started to "bond" with her as a person until, again, 1-2 months into it. No one tells you this either, but it's completely normal. 

Also, I was lucky enough to not have to deal with it, but PPD is real and it sucks. Make sure you know the symptoms but more importantly, make sure your partner or a close friend or family member knows the symptoms

edit: clarity

forevertired

@sweetlyuntied thank you for telling us about the time it took you to bond. I'm a FTM but I feel like I will probably be like that and it's nice to know I'm not the only one. My sister has fostered several babies before adopting and I feel like I've done a lot to protect my heart when her temporary babies moved to other homes, and ultimately it took me a while to bond with my niece. Thank you.

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt

I also was slow to bond with my son. I loved him of course, but I didn't know him. He was a little stranger I felt oddly obligated to and I was suffering from severe postpartum depression. Having my husband encouraging me to seek help was a big deal. 

Being a a new mom felt very isolating and I did not enjoy the baby phase at all. Didn't enjoy it with my second either. Took me a while to realize that I'm just not that big on babies but I really enjoy my kids once they get a bit older.  Don't think of yourself as less of a mom if you don't enjoy those super needy early months!

Childbirth is a very big event physically as is the transition back to a prepregnant state and the recovery may go super quick or may leave you feeling not yourself for a long time, including when it comes to your sexual life. It's normal to take a while to get back to yourself as you adjust to the changes in your body (some things can be permanent,) how it responds to things, and your new identity as a mom. Don't rush yourself. Take your time and go at whatever pace you need. 

LikeICantEven

You are going to be very very thirsty for awhile. You lose a lot of fluids after giving birth, especially if you end up nursing. Keep water near you at all times, make sure it's understood by your partner to always be available to refill your water. 

shevaCC

I was surprised by all the emotions. I'm a logical person and even though I could try to reason with myself it made no difference. I was suddenly willing to fight to the death to protect this little person. Even with my MIL when she didn't run DD to me as soon as I thought she might be hungry.

Our cats were suddenly a threat and an annoyance, much more than before. And my 1.5 year old nephew seemed huge and violent, not little and sweet.

LindsayLuLu27

Nobody told me how tired I would be when we got home! At hospital I was flying high off a quick delivery and that fact that a tiny person just came out of my body.... We got home and it was so foreign feeling to me! I was beyond tired but too scared to sleep incase she stopped breathing and I also didn't have the ability to stop and think when she cried I would just panic! Once I learned to sleep when she slept I was much better but the first week I was beyond sleep deprived! Literally I couldn't sleep unless I could see her! 

Also so I don't care how you plan to feed your baby buy gas drops!!!! You never know if you'll need them and it's not something you want to be without!!! 

shevaCC

I also grossly underestimated the physical recovery needed after child birth. I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery and figured NBD. I felt mostly fine, just sore, so I started going on walks right away. And within the first week I was flat on my back with a high fever. Then I did the same thing to myself week three. Sometimes it's better to listen when they say rest for the first few weeks, even if you feel pretty good.

LikeICantEven

shevaCC said:

I also grossly underestimated the physical recovery needed after child birth. I had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery and figured NBD. I felt mostly fine, just sore, so I started going on walks right away. And within the first week I was flat on my back with a high fever. Then I did the same thing to myself week three. Sometimes it's better to listen when they say rest for the first few weeks, even if you feel pretty good.

Yup, same thing happened to me. I was a house cleaning freak for a couple weeks. Everyone marveled at my energy. I didn't nap whatsoever. Then I took my temp on a whim and it was 103". Kidney infection, complication from birth. Needed to sit my ass down for even longer after that trying to get it under control.

RaeJ004

Don't look down there after. You might want to grab a mirror and take a gander, but don't. Just don't. For a good month just ignore it all together.

I also took a while to bond, especially with my second. I always heard that as soon as you see them it's like your life is complete, blah blah blah. But it definitely took me a bit.

Most important: it does not matter whose feelings you hurt, this is your baby, do things your way and follow your intuition. If you don't want someone in the delivery room, don't. If you don't want certain people coming to see he baby after, don't let them. If you feel you should go against your gut because someone is telling you it's better to do things another way, ignore them.  Obviously caveat is that SO is included on these decisions. But it drives me nuts when people complain that all these people paraded around acting like they knew what was best and them at they felt pressured into all these decisions but won't do anything about it!

banfrog

Have some sort of plan for meals for the first few weeks (at least) after getting home. I don't necessarily mean a meal plan, but a plan that SO or someone else deal with meals, make freezer meals in advance, or be ready for a lot of take out/order in. Recovering and taking care of an infant is a lot and it's all super overwhelming. DH and I wouldn't have eaten at all our first 24 hrs home with our first if friends of ours hadn't come over with pizza.

aquasocks

If you breastfeed, it will probably hurt, a lot. Your nipples might bleed. And then when your baby spits up, there will be blood in the spit-up. You might scream for help. Maybe. Idk just saying. 

yosemite2018

I'm a FTM so no advice but I just wanted to say thank you so much for starting this thread and for everyone's input!

AlexLindzz

Another weird thing that can happen when breastfeeding - I didn't realize how often my nipples would randomly start to tingle and leak a little bit when I was not feeding or pumping. This would happen when I'm in public and hear a baby cry or it would just happen at random time. This was actually one of my hated things about lactating, it was just so uncomfortable.

ETA: I guess that's not really advice but more like a heads up ha.

mrs_hoyahoo

Like @KilgraveMadeMeDoIt - It took me a while to accept that I didn't like the baby phase. I loved my new baby, but was so bored. I thought I was doing it wrong, but nope! My kid just needed to get a little older. 

And you'll probably poop on the table while pushing. 

Katemr1146

In labor I was surprised by some apparently normal bodily reactions. I started convulsing at one point. My body was shaking so hard and I was completely terrified. Totally normal they told me. It's apparently also very common to vomit while pushing because you're forcing so much pressure downwards with contractions and pushing, when you stop to take a break all that force downwards has to go somewhere...sometimes up causing vomit. Also really scary when you're stuck on your back and vomitting into your mouth. The nurses have seen all though and know how to help you. Try to remember you're in good hands. 

I also didnt have that immediate overwhelming bond the second I saw my baby, which I had a lot of guilt over at first. It comes, I promise!! 

The first few weeks were definitely a huge overwhelming roller coaster. Your hormones are going crazy. Ask for help when you need it, and don't be afraid to tell your husband, Doctor, mom, etc. how you're feeling. The first few weeks I would get this terribly depressed feeling around the same time everyday. It was hard to talk about it with my husband so we came up with a code word. I would call or text him Thunderstorms so that he would know I'm not feeling well and he could send help or leave work to come take care of the baby. 

Oh and those padsicles were AWESOME. I'm making so many more next time. Sticking something frozen down there was the biggest relief

BmcD2016

aquasocks said:

If you breastfeed, it will probably hurt, a lot. Your nipples might bleed. And then when your baby spits up, there will be blood in the spit-up. You might scream for help. Maybe. Idk just saying. 

This^ . Didn't anticipate blood running out of my newborns mouth. Scariest moment ever and it took the nurses forever to make it to our room to tell me that. 

Also, if you have a girl, it's possible they have a little mini period. Just a little bit of blood in their diaper. 

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt

Oh, hugely useful suggestion I was given when pregnant with my second and I really, really strongly recommend it to everyone: buy a pack of Depends. If, like happened with me me, your membranes rupture pre-labour, it's really convenient to just put one on and then not leak everywhere on your way to the hospital. They were also super convenient after the birth; much more comfortable than those monstrous hospital mesh things with the giant pads, still disposable, and I found there was a lot less leaking with the depends than with the giant maternity pads. They didn't prevent the nurses taking a look at my flow (oh yeah, for the FTMs, post-delivery nurses will come in and check your pad frequently to make sure you're not haemorrhaging) and pretty much every nurse not "that's a fantastic idea!"

So yeah, Depends. Order them on Amazon if you don't want to go to the shop to buy them. 

Sheybre

So much yes to all of the above! I was by far more emotional after baby was born than while pregnant.  Also, I knew the waking up 4 times a night would be hard but I didn't realize what a toll it will take on your body and your emotions. At 2 months I started feeling myself slip into depression. So I told my DH I needed to go spend a week with my mom so I could sleep. We had no friends of family within 5 hrs of us so it was hard. My mom doesn't work so I was able to pump and she took over a couple of nights of feeding. It's amazing what a good night of sleep did for me! Moral of the story: ask for help, it's important to take care of yourself!

mrs_hoyahoo

One part of postpartum that surprised me was how freaking tired my arms were! I was already exhausted and at times the thought of lifting the baby was enough to bring me to tears. I mean, many things easily brought me to tears, but I wasn't expecting weak arms to one of them!

DunkinDecaf

Take as many of those underwear ice packs and pairs of disposable underwear from the hospital as you can find. Or just order more on Amazon. I did both. I couldn't fall asleep without those ice packs for weeks.

Pack at least a basic hospital bag (a pair of sweatpants, a hair elastic, a toothbrush, whatever you think you'll need) and just throw it in the car around 36 weeks. You can add things as you think of them. I went in for an appointment at 37 weeks and was surprised to be told I had to be induced that day. I was so glad I had some comfy pants with me to put on.

Also I second @banfrog's suggestion of having a bunch of frozen meals ready for when baby arrives. I had no energy to cook (or do much of anything else) for weeks.

kms456

TAKE HOME ALL THE MESH PANTIES AND MASSIVE PADS. 

Like seriously all of them. Every day. They will keep refilling them, keep taking them. You will think you have too many....you do not.

Fullhandsfullheart

Take sitz baths as often as possible after you get home from the hospital! It took me a couple weeks of being sore to finally give it a try and it was so relieving. I didn't wait after my second and took one at least every night (the hospital should give you the tub thing that goes on the toilet, then add Epsom salt and water as hot as you can stand it) and I think it made me heal much faster plus it felt amazing! 

hellopartyof5

So I don't even remember how long it was after I had DS, probably at 6 weeks when they go through their first growth spurt and just cry for hours, I had this moment of thinking "what have I done?" also completely normal.  The majority of my IRL friends have had similar moments.  Don't feel bad if this happens to you and just know that it gets so much better

FallenLeaves1990

When people are constantly coming in and out of your house to meet the baby in the first few weeks back home, don't be afraid to say "yes" if they ask if you need any help. I'm telling you, the friends that brought a meal or did a load of dishes were appreciated far more than those who came and just sat on the couch holding the baby. 

atcwag

My overwhelming "self talk" the first few weeks was "this too shall pass". Honesty, anything really horrible (no sleep at all, super fussy, etc) lasted a few days, maybe a week, and then there was some reprieve. 
I also highly recommend freezer meals. I took a whole weekend late in pregnancy and made 30+ meals. It was a life/$ saver because we certainly would have eaten takeout much more often otherwise. This time around, I'll be looking into some options to prep much of the meal for the freezer, but add fresh ingredients while cooking. I can say that "heavy" pasta and soups got a little tiring after a while. 
Have lots of easy-to-grab snacks around the house. I remember often "forgetting" to eat, or when I had time to eat, baby was asleep and I wanted to sleep too. Nuts, trail mix, granola bars, hummus, etc. 
Breastfeeding isn't easy for many mommas. Line up some help and know that baby being on the breast nearly constantly is completely normal. Kellymom.com is my breastfeeding bible. 

TwandaFTG

I delivered at midnight.   By the time we got to our room it was 2:30.  So everyone left for us to sleep.

DH passed out and I was alone with the tiny stranger and I freaked out.  Nobody gave me instructions and I was all in my head and had forgotten everything I knew.

Also I got the shakes while transitioning.   Went from 6 - 10 cm in 2 hours after having stalled. And I spiked a fever so I earned another 48 hours of iv antibiotics.   That sucked so hard.

The hospital sucks.  You are constantly interrupted.   My nurse, baby nurse, hearing test, pictures,  pediatrian,  my ob, food delivery, cleaning staff,  people coming to draw blood, people coming in to talk about ppd, people coming in to tell you about getting birth certificate  and the visitors.

It was so wonderful to go home.

But then I got to where I was crying all day and they told me I did not have ppd but that the lack of sleep was making things things hard.

Also some babies have witching hours where nothing makes them happy.  Nothing.  You just have to sit there and hear them scream.  It is awful and stressful.  My son's  time was around 5 right when my husband would make it home and I would just be like "take him".

LikeICantEven

kms456 said:

TAKE HOME ALL THE MESH PANTIES AND MASSIVE PADS. 

Like seriously all of them. Every day. They will keep refilling them, keep taking them. You will think you have too many....you do not.

So much this. Also, get yourself a Peri bottle. They most likely have them at the hospital, but I ordered an extra from Amazon just in case. I had a 1st degree tear, so not too bad but it felt incredible to feel clean while I healed.



This is what the padsicles (perineal cold pack) look like, I took home tons from my hospital room. Total lifesaver. (especially since I gave birth in late July and it was hot as balls outside)


You snap them, shake 'em, pop it in ya undies and you are good to go.

(I feel like I'm teaching sex ed or something)

MollySm

If you decide not to breastfeed, you still have to deal with filling up with milk.  For me it was incredibly painful (very sensitive breasts over here) and I actually dread that part more than giving birth.  You still need to buy nursing pads, and I smeared A&D on them to keep them from sticking.  I wore a tight bra (with no underside) all the time until my milk dried up.  

leighry

I heard Sudafed dries up milk supply? One of the PAs I work with didn't want to nurse and started taking Sudafed after she delivered. 

maggmagoo21

Don't freak out if you start to shake like crazy after delivery.  Your body is trying to adjust to the huge change it just want through.  Totally scared me at first but the nurses told me it was all normal.

Don't be afraid to accept or ask for help.  After DH went back to work, if friends came over, they would ask if they could help and I said "no" most of the time - huge regret.  Ask them to help with dishes or laundry or whatever else might need to be done.  I also had my mom hang with DD for a bit so I could catch some sleep during the day a few times.

Nipple cream and cold pack nursing pads are a must for me for nursing - I knew my nipples would get sore but these totally helped.

Steal as many mesh undies and cold packs from the hospital as possible.  And diapers for baby!

aquasocks

leighry said:

I heard Sudafed dries up milk supply? One of the PAs I work with didn't want to nurse and started taking Sudafed after she delivered. 

Personally I would not do this because it can interfere with sleep, and you're gonna need all the sleep you can get.

forevertired

Fullhandsfullheart said:

Take sitz baths as often as possible after you get home from the hospital! It took me a couple weeks of being sore to finally give it a try and it was so relieving. I didn't wait after my second and took one at least every night (the hospital should give you the tub thing that goes on the toilet, then add Epsom salt and water as hot as you can stand it) and I think it made me heal much faster plus it felt amazing! 

Stuck in the box.

What is a sitz bath? What is a tub thing that goes on the toilet? I feel like this is very important advice but I don't understand what you're talking about lol. 

Muscatmommyof4

KilgraveMadeMeDoIt said:

Oh, hugely useful suggestion I was given when pregnant with my second and I really, really strongly recommend it to everyone: buy a pack of Depends. If, like happened with me me, your membranes rupture pre-labour, it's really convenient to just put one on and then not leak everywhere on your way to the hospital. They were also super convenient after the birth; much more comfortable than those monstrous hospital mesh things with the giant pads, still disposable, and I found there was a lot less leaking with the depends than with the giant maternity pads. They didn't prevent the nurses taking a look at my flow (oh yeah, for the FTMs, post-delivery nurses will come in and check your pad frequently to make sure you're not haemorrhaging) and pretty much every nurse not "that's a fantastic idea!"

So yeah, Depends. Order them on Amazon if you don't want to go to the shop to buy them. 

This is freakin awesome! I have 3 kids and never heard of this I will defiantly be using them this time the mesh underwear suck! 

Chcaggie1

oh wow I'm a stm but this is a pretty cool thread to read through.

I think my best piece of advice would be prepare for the worst but absolutely expect the BEST! I got ALOT of advice and warnings during pregnancy and post partum about what was to come. It was almost ALL BAD! I was warned of All sorts of pregnancy symptoms that I never once experienced. I was warned about how awful breastfeeding would be and it wasn't for me. I'm not saying pregnancy or post partum were a cake walk but overall both were great. So I encourage new moms to anticipate the good and it will be easier to recognize it in their lives than focusing on all the potential bad things that may not happen.

That being said, I'm a huge believer in being prepared! I highly recommend coconut oil to help with dry nipples when breast feeding. I used the lanolin creams a little bit but for the most part the coconut oil kept my boobies in great shape. I was totally surprised by how extremely messy breast feeding is! NO ONE warned me at all that while breastfeeding baby on the right side the left side would leak and ruin your bra or shirt if you didn't wear breast pads. And when baby decides to unlatch, the flow doesn't always stop! Lovely milk spray all over baby and you, lol. Although I'm not sure if that happens for everyone, I think I had oversupply.

Also, the emotions...for me it happened about the same time every day. Unfortunately it was about the time my husband got home from work (5ish). Almost every day for the first week I would find something to cry about at that time! I hated it! Other than that my emotions were ok but it made me feel a little crazy suddenly being weepy at the same time everyday. Just knowing that isn't so abnormal will be helpful for me this time.

leighry

@aquasocks I didn't personally do it, not would I. But that's the route she took which I had never heard before. She said it didn't mess up her sleeping as she only took it once a day in the morning for the first couple of days just to try and get a head start on diminishing whatever supply she had.

rooftop

Anal fissures.... enough said. But seriously... I didn't know they were a possible side effect of deliverry. I literally felt like I was shitting razorblades for every BM the first 9 months after baby. Stool softers helped but only time made them go away completely.

fiscally3

I looked into sudafed last time, the nurses in the hospital didn't seem to think it was the best idea (it makes sense, but they just felt it was unnecessary.) I did some binding and a lot of peppermint tea, and that helped me feel more comfortable. 

If you are planning on breastfeeding, make sure you look what foods can hurt your supply, I had a couple friends who were struggling only to find out that they were consuming things that decreased supply (peppermint, sage).

My biggest piece of advice is to be prepared for anything with giving birth. My goal was natural child birth(maybe some IV drugs, but no epidural.) I ended up with a c-section and read nothing in it, and kinda ignored the advice in my Lamaze class. I just figured that so many of my family members have birth naturally, there was no way I'd ever need a c-section. If you don't get the birth you wanted, give yourself time to grieve the loss of your ideal birth. 

I also recommend doing some sort of birth class, my Lamaze instructor covered a lot of things I never knew about, like internal heart monitor, or how they break your water. 

sugar9277

1. Stock your freezer with meals you enjoy, eggo waffles,  toaster strudel, whatever. 
2. Keep burp cloths all around your house - some in kitchen, some in nursery, some in family room, etc.
3. Maxi pads (like grandma's) and breast-feeding pads - you'll need something absorbent  both places. 
4. Plan to wear maternity clothes for awhile after birth.  Don't even pack your regular clothes in your hospital bag - they won't fit. 
5. Pack a phone charger in your bag. 
6. Be ready for more loads of laundry than you ever imagined. 
7. Take a hot shower every day - you need a shower AND more importantly, 15 minutes of time to yourself. 
8.  Ask for help when you're overwhelmed.  And let people help when they offer.
9. Pack some pj pants for the hospital to wear under your gown. 
10. Amazon Prime. I cannot stress this enough. 

Hedgessm

Take care of yourself. Take time to heal. Your body goes through major trauma. You're so focused on this new life that you forget about you. Sleep, eat, and use the ice packs. You're already a hero for having a baby, don't try to super hero the mom thing on day 1 too. Ask for help, take help. Your body is all kinds of messed up and it's easy to forget that it needs time to heal. So take care of yourself. Eat. Drink lots of liquids. Sleep. Let hubby, BFF, mom, whoever help. Your baby will thank you for taking care of you. 

Fullhandsfullheart

@lizap77 it is a plastic tub thing that sits on top of the toilet and has a tube with a pouch attached to it so you can slowly add hot water into the tub while you're sitting in it. It goes on the toilet so the water can drain out while
youre sitting in it. It sounds weird but when you fill it with Epsom salt and super hot water it's really good for healing your sore lady bits! The hospital should send you home with the tub thing. I wish I was better at describing it! I'm sure there are pictures that explain it better than I just did haha