Emotions and Sex (tmi)

lblu43

The last few weeks have become increasingly trying on our relationship, and no matter how much I try it feels all my fault. Nothing bad has happened; but for reasons unknown I've become extremely insecure. Dh and I are on different shifts, so we only see each other in passing. On top of that, the intimacy stopped about a month ago. Not because I wanted to.....it just became uncomfortable for him with the LO growing inside. He can't seem to move past it mentally,  and so his efforts ended in frustration.  I tried everything I could to be supportive, I even got creative with new lingerie. It ended in one sided rejection, with me feeling lowly unattractive.  Talking leads to nothing but circles. He has stopped initiating completely,  and all of my attempts are immediately shot down. He says it's to protect me from feeling rejected. He feels that if he gives a little,  having to tell me no later will do worse damage. But no intimacy attempts at all just makes the insecurity worse. 

We've never had a problem physically,  even when miscarried last yr. But now we are just over 27wks in and my 5'6" former athletic frame is 162lbs. I trust him completely, but I am also realistic. Not being intimate with me does not mean he's lost his sex drive. Which means he's left to his own devices.  We always been able to talk freely about porn. This is just the first time I feel like I no longer fit the description of "Hot" or "Sexy", categories which are undoubtedly full filling his needs currently.

Exercise, planning for the baby, balancing work and home.....Keeping busy only does so much for the brain. It makes me restless at night. Has anyone else had experience with this?

acpear11

I think at this point in pregnancy, with the little one sloshing around in there, kicking and squirming all over, it's an understandable discomfort for men to have. For us, the little one is with us everywhere we go, we are used to it! But for the man to "get in there," knowing baby may start shifting about the cabin may be too much for him to be aroused around. I get it. 

I figure I have two choices. I can take it personally or try to be understanding. It's a passing phase and as long as it doesn't continue after the baby is here, then we are good.

I'm sorry you're feeling insecure. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and just give him the benefit of the doubt, that it's not you.

mksfav

I agree with @acpear11. My DH and I have also struggled with this recently and it seems like we are usually on different pages when it comes to timing of intimacy and he is a little weirded out by the thought of doing the deed while out LO is rolling around. I just try to keep in mind when I initiate and he is unwilling, there have been a million times before he has done the same and I have shot him down. He has never made an issue out of it when I don't feel well, am uncomfortable, or just exhausted.
I try to do the same for him, even though I want to enjoy our solo time as much as possible while we still have it.
None of this is permanent and I would try not to take it personally. This is a big adjustment for both of you!

kwilliams3402

Just chiming in to let you know that you're not alone, at all.  I could have written your post, and was wondering if I was the only one.  I just remember that this too shall pass and do the best I can. We've made more of an effort in the last couple weeks to just spend time being as intimate as it works out that we can, even if we never quite make it to fully doing the deed, and that's actually helped my body image, us feeling closer, husband being happier, etc.  At this rate, I slightly wonder if it'll be like October before we "do the deed" like we used to have no problem doing.  The mechanics of this whole sex-while-pregnant thing seem to be just hard, frankly.

I hope this helps, if nothing else for you to know that you're clearly not alone!!

texasmama2014

Any way you could do doggie style or from behind somehow so he can't physically see the bump?? Out of sight out of mind! 

I might also throw it out there to him that you feel a little insecure and need him to reassure you that you're  still sexy. Because honestly, I'm sure he still thinks you're hot. Men can be idiots and forget that we need to be reminded sometimes.

kristynmac

I am sorry that you are going through this. For me, DH is all about trying new positions and he finds it pretty funny when one no longer works. I am the one that is having a hard time with the body changes and sometimes I want to hit him and just say, "I don't even find myself attractive, so how can you?" Is there any way you can help him find some humor in it all? I know the last thing some people want is to laugh during sex, but for us it has been working and I usually worry less about the bump and how awkward I feel.

jamiesc58

My dh wants me to wear all the sexy lingerie that I used to before I was pregnant and had a big belly. I don't understand it but if he loves it and it makes him happy, I guess I can do it once in a while.  I feel like a big pink lace whale lol.

lblu43

Thanks for the advice ladies. It does help to digest, hearing its normal.  Some days are mentally easier than others. We've tried various positions etc. It just puts more pressure on him. We are working more on our communication and he's planned a babymoon/anniversary trip for us next mo. I'm hoping quality r&r will get us back in sync. 

jacmkelley

Sex just gets hard as you get bigger! Until you're ready to have the baby and it's all you're doing to induce labor lol. DH and I were fine with sex until 3 weeks ago or so and baby is so low that I was hurting no matter what way we tried. We tried again the other night and it wasn't an issue. I don't know how to fix him wanting to partake, but have you tried other ways to be intimate? Maybe there is another way you can find the same end result. I would feel disconnected and the same ways you feel if I were in your shoes. You are totally valid, and I think you need to tell him what you're feeling again and see if you can come up with a solution. 

satto_takai

Popping in to send support.

My hubby doesn't seem to find it weird to have sex with LO because "baby won't remember, and has no idea what we are doing," but I agree it is getting harder and harder to be intimate. With us, it is mostly my libido is a lot higher than his normally. With extra hormones upping emotions, it gets frustrating to get shot down. Not to mention, I feel unsexy because I have been having random periods of slight nipple leakage, and get really weirded out about it. He loves to play with my boobs, but when I think about them being crusty or leaking, it is a major turn-of. Goes with the PP feelings of being unattractive.

One thing we have found helps get us started is me giving him a blowjob. Your mouth is nowhere near LO, and could get him stimulated enough to try vaginal penetration when emotions run high.   

I have heard other moms suggest these: Maybe reciprocal oral sex (if you can both get into it)? Or mutual masturbation (with or without toys)? Both options involve him not putting his penis near LO, if that is what makes him uncomfortable, but still helps relieve those needs.

I also agree with PP - maybe focusing on other ways to be intimate might lead to more sex...(??? definitely not a sexpert, here).