Guest list...

asreinholm

Quick background...my husband and I moved 1500 miles away from our families a little over a year ago. We're headed back home in July to visit and for our baby shower that my mother is hosting for us. I helped my mother with the guest list and then ran it by my MIL and apparently she had a totally different idea. My list consists of approx. 55 people total (both sides of our families). Well, she has approx. 40 people that she wants invited. What?!? We haven't even seen most of the people on her list since our wedding 8 years ago nor would I recognize them. Do I go with it or speak up? I'm really not comfortable inviting people I really don't know. Mind you, my mom will have to find a different venue because it's capacity is only 60. What would you do? 

Disneygeek77

I would tell her that due to limited resources she will have to cut her guest list down.  

VOR

Ditto Disney.  And if she "insists" - she can actually throw her own.  You don't HAVE to do one big shower.  So keep that in mind.  But I think a 100 + person shower is a bit much.

VOR

To add- talk to your DH about this.  This might be something for him to talk to his mom about.  He can tell her that the shower includes both families.  Your mom can't host a larger shower.  Then he can say "If you really want to include these people, then maybe consider throwing a shower for our side and her mom can just do a shower for her side.  Let me know what you want to do.". 

The idea of hosting her own shower might be enough to get her to shut up and go along

stephweinstein

Mother-in-law, I think I'd prefer a more intimate setting for our baby shower. I don't want people to think I'm being gift grabby since the last time I saw some of these people was another gift giving event. 

DrillSergeantCat

@stephweinstein a wedding isn't a gift giving event, but I'm picking up what you're laying down otherwise. OP I fully agree with VOR that you should tell your husband to explain to his mother that your mother can't afford to host that many more additional guests and if she insists on inviting them, she needs to host another shower for them. Your host has final say on the guest list and since adding this many people would require a different venue, your MIL should either host a separate one or pick up the tab for the new venue.

stephweinstein

@drillsergeantcat - So you've gone to weddings where you haven't given a gift?

asreinholm

My MIL would gladly host a 2nd shower, but that becomes a problem because I'm only going to be there Wednesday-Tuesday and Saturday is my shower and Sunday is my in laws anniversary party that my sister in law insisted on throwing while we're home. There's just no time. 

OliveOyl2014

asreinholm said:

My MIL would gladly host a 2nd shower, but that becomes a problem because I'm only going to be there Wednesday-Tuesday and Saturday is my shower and Sunday is my in laws anniversary party that my sister in law insisted on throwing while we're home. There's just no time. 

At this point if she continues to insist that these people be invited, she needs to foot the bill for them and the change of venue. Not fair for your mom to have to host more people than she is comfortable with.

VOR

OliveOyl2014 said:

asreinholm said:

My MIL would gladly host a 2nd shower, but that becomes a problem because I'm only going to be there Wednesday-Tuesday and Saturday is my shower and Sunday is my in laws anniversary party that my sister in law insisted on throwing while we're home. There's just no time. 

At this point if she continues to insist that these people be invited, she needs to foot the bill for them and the change of venue. Not fair for your mom to have to host more people than she is comfortable with.

This.  OR you (your DH) stand firm and say "we can't invite that many people".  you don't HAVE to accommodate this just because she wants it.  40 people you hardly know? I think your DH needs to remind his mom that this is NOT a wedding.  It's a shower and it's meant to be smaller and more intimate.

I;m SURE she's probably been invited to a lot of their kid's showers and that might be why she wants to invite them.  But it doesn't fall to your mom to have to pay for all these people.

DrillSergeantCat

stephweinstein said:

@drillsergeantcat - So you've gone to weddings where you haven't given a gift?

Absolutely! If I've already gone to the shower and given a gift there, then they don't get a second one. A wedding is a ceremony to join two lives, not a gift giving event like any type of shower. Just because people receive gifts at a wedding doesn't change this fact.

DrillSergeantCat

I just researched this and apparently I'm an ass. I still don't agree that a wedding is a "gift-giving" event though. I wouldn't be upset if people don't bring gifts to my wedding. 

VOR

DrillSergeantCat said:

stephweinstein said:

@drillsergeantcat - So you've gone to weddings where you haven't given a gift?

Absolutely! If I've already gone to the shower and given a gift there, then they don't get a second one. A wedding is a ceremony to join two lives, not a gift giving event like any type of shower. Just because people receive gifts at a wedding doesn't change this fact.

I fall in the middle- I absolutely give a wedding gift (and I split my budget between that and the shower if I'm invited to a shower).  BUT weddings really aren't "gift giving events".  Not in the way showers are. 

FinePlacentaPie

DrillSergeantCat said:

I just researched this and apparently I'm an ass. I still don't agree that a wedding is a "gift-giving" event though. I wouldn't be upset if people don't bring gifts to my wedding. 

You're right in your thinking, they aren't gift-giving events. Do people typically give gifts anyway? Traditionally yes. But the purpose of getting married isn't to receive gifts (I guess it COULD be ) so I don't think of it as an event for that purpose. 

asreinholm

Thanks for the input ladies. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting. Lol! DH and I are on the same page so hopefully we can resolve the MIL issues this week. 

VOR

asreinholm said:

Thanks for the input ladies. It's nice to know I'm not overreacting. Lol! DH and I are on the same page so hopefully we can resolve the MIL issues this week. 

If DH is on the same page, that's often 75% of the battle.   If nothing else, I'd ask hert o please respect the two of you and you do NOT want all these people who you really don't know to be invited.

asreinholm

Thought I would give a quick update...My MIL has decided having a shower and an anniversary party in the same weekend is too much for her family so she will not be hosting a shower nor does she feel it's ok for me to only invite some of the family so no one from my husbands family will be invited. Smh!!! Part of me wants to say screw her and invite the people I had on the original guest list, but I'm one to pick my battles wisely. Lol

VOR

LOL.  But in the end, it IS working out.  While it's nice of you and your mom to include some of his family, you don't HAVE to and having a smaller shower for just your side is perfectly fine.