MIL thread

tripledaggerWed95976

so now that a lot of us have had our babies, and those who haven't are super close,  I figured this might be a good time to start a new MIL (mother in law) thread!!!

we face timed with MIL and FIL last night.   Our son was born at 36 weeks, and is currently in between preemie and newborn size onesies so when we are at home we usually just have him in his diaper and a light swaddle.  Now, I'm not an idiot and I would be able to tell if he was cold.. I always feel his hands and feet just to make sure too...   So, during the face time convo MIL spent 5 minutes going ON and ON about how "he's always naked in all the pictures" "he needs clothes" "he better not be naked when I see him".    I seriously wanted to say "If it bothers you so much we just won't send you pics anymore."
I think the most upsetting part is the insinuation that I would just sit around letting my son freeze or something.  Even when we told her it's warm outside and in our house, he's definitely not cold, she still wouldn't STFU about it. She gets on My nerves SO bad.   
Anyway, rant over.   Your turn! :-)

gamommyx3

Mine hasn't checked in on the status of my pregnancy since January. And by "checked in" in January I mean she made us wait for dinner for almost 2 hours after we said we needed to leave, then mocked me for being starving and announced to the room that "pregnant people need to be served first so they don't get upset."

So I'm not a fan.

KyleeWaller

This might be the silliest thing ever. You've been warned.

For Christmas, my MIL gifted me a Vera Bradley bag with the hope I'd take it to the hospital when LO is born. It was a cheetah print pattern (NMS), and I was able to exchange it at the mall for floral print (same bag otherwise). I am using it as my hospital bag.

That all being said, last weekend we were out with MIL and some other relatives. MIL asked if I was using her bag for the hospital, and I said yes, not instantly remembering I'd swapped prints. MIL then proceeded to describe everyone at the table how pretty the bag was, and I face-palmed internally. 

So...what are the chances she'll actually notice? 

@tripledaggerWed95976 I have heard so many different opinions on what an infant should or shouldn't be clothed in, and most of them conflict with one another. I just started asking my doctor literally everything. Being able to say "this is what our doctor recommended" has helped. 

yogahh

Last time we saw MIL and FIL, she asked when she can see the baby after delivery. I told her to stay home and not camp out in the waiting room, as  we will call when she is born, and we want some downtime to bond and get myself someone cleaned up. She was upset that she wouldn't be there to come *right* into the room as soon as she is born. Because, boundaries yo.

Then the next day she called to tell me we HAVE to have her sleep in our room. Our initial plans was to do crib from day one. With the door shut so the cat cant get it. And a monitor so we can hear her. MIL thought we were just going to let the door wide open so the cat could come and go? When I told her we would be closing the door, she asked how we would hear her? Ummmm...monitor... But since then, DH is convinced we need a PNP in our room, so who knows when she will get moved into her own room anyways.

She is a bit intrusive (ok, a lot), but I know she means well at least...

yogahh

Aquinna82 said:

Mine hasn't checked in on the status of my pregnancy since January. And by "checked in" in January I mean she made us wait for dinner for almost 2 hours after we said we needed to leave, then mocked me for being starving and announced to the room that "pregnant people need to be served first so they don't get upset."

So I'm not a fan.

Truth

rlworzalla

 @KyleeWaller - can you say that there was an issue with the bag, and went to exchange it but they didn't carry the cheetah at the time so you picked something else?

My MIL and FIL visited this past weekend and she chose to share her labor stories - bloody show and all!

thismakes4

FIL likes to stir the pot with MIL and I.  She recently went to the hospital and FIL sent out a group text saying she was there. So a couple days later I asked him how she was doing because I didn't want to bother her in the hospital while tests were being done. Anyways, he calls me all pissed asking why I haven't called her. And I'm like uhh DH has been texting her (he didn't even want to call) and put it straight to speaker phone so DH could hear the convo. I hardly talk to MIL because she plays victim super well...like she's pissed at me for not having her up here to "help" when the baby is born. We never even discussed it. I assumed she would come up at some point a few weeks after but she really isn't any help. MIL and I have a history of not getting along... FIL makes it worse. 

camillaandcarson

After one too many shenanigans and google searches ( to find out if anyone else had these same issues) my MIL issues led me to this site:
 https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
And this book: 
Toxic In Laws 
by Susan Forward 

Since finding and implementing these resources life has been way less stressful for my family of 4.
She is still a source of stress because she won't always follow boundaries but we have found a way to minimize the drama significantly united as a family/team with DH and myself.

katxattack1212

My MIL is honestly amazing. I adore her. 

Now, my MOTHER, is another story. I just posted a new thread about our current problem. 

lizChesnut

@katattax
I know what you mean! My mil has been wonderful! It own mother that is driving me crazy!

Bellodomani

@katxattack1212 @lizChesnut I'm with you ladies, I'll typically take my MIL over my mom any day. We've always had a great relationship. Unfortunately when I had my first child, she got super weird! It took until he was about 6 months before I could stand being around her again without feeling crazy, and now things are great again, so of course I'm nervous about this time! But I think a big part of it was just that we realized around the time he was born that we were going to have to move to a different state when he was 12 weeks old and she was just feeling a lot of feelings... Hopefully this time will be better. 

bkjade

I'm with you @katxattack @lizChesnut and @Bellodomani! I have dream in-laws. My family on the other hand. . . Let's just say I don't mind living 3,000 miles away. 

basedinaustria

My MIL lives in Australia (we live in Europe) and didn't even consider to come and see the baby when she's born. Fair enough, the flights are expensive and I wouldn't expect it from her as they just built a house and the finance is a big burden. UNTIL she told us that they are thinking about going on a holiday to Las Vegas. WTF? Seriously? My parents wouldn't even ask, they'd just jump into the next plane to see their new granddaughter, but MIL thinks that gambling in some casino might be more fun. It's just so disappointing for me to see that there isn't a lot of interest from his mum, compared to my parents, who are over the moon (which is a bit too much sometimes, too!  )

proudparent2b

MIL is in the medical field and was so astounded that I've made it to 4 cm. dilated, fully effaced, and carrying VERY low without being in active labor, that she decided to share that info with everyone she knows yesterday, many of whom contacted DH last night. Apparently it's rare.

Now my mom, we're estranged. She has severe mental health/addiction/boundary issues. She doesn't want to take care of herself at all, but was more than willing to attempt to destroy every single relationship I had, including trying to get me fired from my job and make my in laws to hate me, so that I would have no one to focus on and take care of but her. Thankfully her efforts failed, but I will never give her the opportunity to hurt me again.

As much as MIL drives me nuts at times, I'd take her over my mom any day.

girlaskew

Mine has a thing with guilt and it does not work on me. Due to a lot of late year family drama (a Thanksgiving blowup that kept the Christimas celebrations limited) I didn't see my MIL for over 4 months. I saw her in March and she put on her sad face said she hoped to see me again before the baby's born. She sees my husband more often. Here's the thing: we invited her to dinner and multiple places and she doesn't go. She always has my SIL's son, but won't leave the house when she has him. I told her that we would love to see her, but that she should call us and let us know when she's free. I told her I understood she has the other baby and that we are more flexible. Last week they ate at a local place right near our house and didn't call us. It takes two and I will not be made to feel guilty when I am the one that has made an effort. 

valerie4786

My MIL is definitely nothing compared to some of what you ladies are experiencing, but I definitely have been feeling smothered by her lately.  I know it's because she genuinely cares and is so excited for her first grandbaby, but I just can't deal with the texts asking how I'm feeling.  I'm 9 months pregnant, use your imagination and just quit asking..  I've resorted to not responding, but then she texts me again the next day when I don't respond.  

My own mother is also a bigger issue for me, to the point where I went about 8 months over the past year unable to really talk to her because she makes me crazy.  I finally decided to get counseling, which was incredibly helpful for me so I don't let her bother me so much anymore.  She looooves to make passive aggressive comments to me as a way to be in control of every situation.  For example, last week she saw me eating a brownie and said something along the lines of "oh...I break out when I eat too much sugar, don't you?" As if I had been sitting there eating brownies all day (which sounds amazing!) instead of the single brownie I had.  This past Thursday she also got super mad at my grandma and I because we didn't drain the grease from the ground beef the way she wanted us to.  It's always small things with my mother, but she's an asshole without realizing she is.  I've learned that I can only have superficial conversations with her.  She's also barely acknowledged my pregnancy...one of the times she did she got frustrated with me that I answered how far along I was in weeks versus months.  

tripledaggerWed95976

So an update to mine, I took newborn photos of my son yesterday.  I spent ALL day setting up, taking the photos, editing them...
So, he was naked in them, like almost ALL newborns are in newborn photos (with his private parts covered obviously...) and I proudly posted them on Facebook. A few minutes later, my FIL posts "grandma wants to know where his clothes are".  
WTF!!!! no other comment like, "great photo" or "he looks so cute"...just a Simple effing one track mind as always.   UGH so frustrating!!!

NinnyJean

I'm not a huge fan of my MIL, lots of just different ways we live our lives. Well her birthday is next Monday and she's said since we found out we were pregnant that she hoped LO was born on her birthday. I was so happy when I found out I was due the very end of the month because that was going to be highly unlikely. Now though I'm being induced Friday morning, I'm terrified that LO will be born on her birthday now because I know she'll always want to do parties together and will always be very annoying about the whole thing 

Charla1224

My MIL just cut up a whole pineapple and sat it in front of me. She's also making a smoothie out of the core to serve me in the shell of the pineapple. 
I get the hint. 

mrstmoose

@trippledaggerWed95976 I would either delete his comment or say "they are in his dresser, folded up, where I meant to keep them because this is how I wanted to take the pictures." I'm also passive aggressive these days. 

tripledaggerWed95976

mrstmoose said:

@trippledaggerWed95976 I would either delete his comment or say "they are in his dresser, folded up, where I meant to keep them because this is how I wanted to take the pictures." I'm also passive aggressive these days. 

Hahaha, love it!!! I wanted to delete it so bad or say something along those lines but my husband won't let me!! It's  So annoying, he takes a "she's old and set in her ways" approach, whereas I would much rather take a more passive-aggressive OR aggressive-aggressive stance!!

JoMunson

My MIL met my baby on Friday and commented how nice it was when my SIL lived with her when she had her baby. 
Um. We live in a different town, we own our house, and SIL left the second she could.

camillaandcarson

tripledaggerWed95976 said:

mrstmoose said:

@trippledaggerWed95976 I would either delete his comment or say "they are in his dresser, folded up, where I meant to keep them because this is how I wanted to take the pictures." I'm also passive aggressive these days. 

Hahaha, love it!!! I wanted to delete it so bad or say something along those lines but my husband won't let me!! It's  So annoying, he takes a "she's old and set in her ways" approach, whereas I would much rather take a more passive-aggressive OR aggressive-aggressive stance!!

Oh ok, so that is just the way she is?
Well, what if passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive is just the "way you are".
Guess that makes it ok! Green light for doing whatever you want and calling it "just the way you are".

camillaandcarson

Charla1224 said:

My MIL just cut up a whole pineapple and sat it in front of me. She's also making a smoothie out of the core to serve me in the shell of the pineapple. 
I get the hint. 

Tell her to add some pizza.  And ice cream from your favorite place. 

tripledaggerWed95976

camillaandcarson said:

tripledaggerWed95976 said:

mrstmoose said:

@trippledaggerWed95976 I would either delete his comment or say "they are in his dresser, folded up, where I meant to keep them because this is how I wanted to take the pictures." I'm also passive aggressive these days. 

Hahaha, love it!!! I wanted to delete it so bad or say something along those lines but my husband won't let me!! It's  So annoying, he takes a "she's old and set in her ways" approach, whereas I would much rather take a more passive-aggressive OR aggressive-aggressive stance!!

Oh ok, so that is just the way she is?
Well, what if passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive is just the "way you are".
Guess that makes it ok! Green light for doing whatever you want and calling it "just the way you are".

I like the way you think! I'm gunna have to try that line on him!!

BebeOnBoard

My MIL texted last week to see if she could come visit with baby. DH told her yes. Her text response:

"Don't worry about feeding me. I'll stop and grab something for myself on the way. "

Also, she stayed at our house with our 2 year old when we were in the hospital. She left dirty dishes in the sink and pots on the stove for us to clean. 

Shes so kind. 

emma+karen

Not MIL or new-baby-related, but I'm really sick of my BIL's passive-aggressive hints on FB about us visiting.  We're in CT, they live in Seattle.  The other day, my wife posted a photo of DS1 playing with a map on a hiking trail, and BIL immediately comments, "Send him out here and I'll teach him some real outdoor skills."  Ugh.  As if I'm going to put my 3-year-old on a plane and ship him out to you, BIL.  We are about to have a BABY.  We are not going ANYWHERE.  ANY of us. You want to see your nephews, come HERE.  You're the one who chose to live on the other side of the country from the entire rest of your family, you're the one who doesn't have any kids, and you're the one who uses your vacation time to go mountain climbing instead of visiting family. 

I'm seriously thinking of temporarily restricting him on FB, because I'm so sick of the inane comments for comments' sake and passive aggressive hints.

DanandVan

Can I do a general family vent on here? So my due date is tomorrow. I have 3 other kids to juggle while I'm at the hospital, and it has taken so much planning and organization to make sure all my bases will be covered. I enlisted my family's help ages ago, and recently sent everyone an email with all the info they need, who is doing what, etc. I included freaking easy to read charts! I spoke with each of them to go over what they will be doing.
Now that my due date is tomorrow, everything is falling apart. My mom says "Oh I can't take the kids Thursday, I forgot about this meeting." Really!? Cause my due date hasn't been on the calendar for 9 months!? I reminded her that she is picking up my kids from school tomorrow while I am at my Dr appt, and she was like "What? I am?". YES! I asked you last week! You said yes! 
My sister's nanny quit suddenly last week, and she was going to watch my daughter during the day. I have been hounding my sister to ask if her new nanny would be willing to watch my daughter (I literally have no backup plan here!) and she hasn't gotten back to me.
My husband is so stressed about work and school and new baby - I get it - but he has been COMPLETELY scatter brained. Lost his work ID, lost the extra set of van keys (which I was supposed to give to my dad today so he has them when I'm in the hospital and he is doing school drop-offs), and husband was supposed to drive to work today so he would have his car if I go into labor but he forgot and took the train. No one is following THE PLAN I spent ages putting together. I'm feeling like no one cares and they can't be depended on, which is a problem! I guess I'll just birth this baby at home, pop him in his carseat, and go pick up my kids from school! *crying face*

js8812

DanandVan said:

Can I do a general family vent on here? So my due date is tomorrow. I have 3 other kids to juggle while I'm at the hospital, and it has taken so much planning and organization to make sure all my bases will be covered. I enlisted my family's help ages ago, and recently sent everyone an email with all the info they need, who is doing what, etc. I included freaking easy to read charts! I spoke with each of them to go over what they will be doing.
Now that my due date is tomorrow, everything is falling apart. My mom says "Oh I can't take the kids Thursday, I forgot about this meeting." Really!? Cause my due date hasn't been on the calendar for 9 months!? I reminded her that she is picking up my kids from school tomorrow while I am at my Dr appt, and she was like "What? I am?". YES! I asked you last week! You said yes! 
My sister's nanny quit suddenly last week, and she was going to watch my daughter during the day. I have been hounding my sister to ask if her new nanny would be willing to watch my daughter (I literally have no backup plan here!) and she hasn't gotten back to me.
My husband is so stressed about work and school and new baby - I get it - but he has been COMPLETELY scatter brained. Lost his work ID, lost the extra set of van keys (which I was supposed to give to my dad today so he has them when I'm in the hospital and he is doing school drop-offs), and husband was supposed to drive to work today so he would have his car if I go into labor but he forgot and took the train. No one is following THE PLAN I spent ages putting together. I'm feeling like no one cares and they can't be depended on, which is a problem! I guess I'll just birth this baby at home, pop him in his carseat, and go pick up my kids from school! *crying face*

Did you really make charts for what people need to do to help you???

DanandVan

We have a complicated carpool system for getting our big kids to school (son is special needs, his school is 30 min away), and different family members are helping with drop off/pickup, so yeah I made an easy to read chart with who is doing what and for my son's meds for quick reference. 
Edit to add I never forced these obligations on them. They willingly offered to help and agreed to each part of the plan. Its just that they are turning out not to be so dependable, and I am beginning to feel panicked. 

jumpy57

@danandvan that sounds so frustrating! I'm sure they will come to their senses

jenashawn

@DanandVan Ugh... I would be super upset too.

Dasha420

@DanandVan  hi so sorry that everything is so frustrating. Maybe this is just them right now. I know when I feel like things aren't working or going as planned I worry a lot and tend to look at people in a bad light but when the things that matter start happening people end up somehow coming together and helping each other. Here's hoping that everything will work out. 

saltedcaramel518

I posted previously about this family trip my in-laws are planning over Thanksgiving break. MIL brought it up again this weekend, and I again stated that I would not be able to go because I will have no vacation time to take off. It is literally the worst thing in the world (to her) because LO and I will be the only family members out of the 25+ that have committed to going on this trip. And let's be real, at this point, there will probably be more than one family member to back out before the trip. Idk what she expects me to do. My boss has been very generous with the time that I'm getting off for maternity leave, especially since my company does have a specific ML policy, and there's no way I'm asking for extra time off (that I don't have anyway) in November. 

After I went through this with MIL, she suggests that we could just come for Friday-Sunday. FTM here, but can someone please confirm that it would be insane to make an 8-hour (likely more due to traffic) drive on Friday and then turn around and drive home on Sunday with a 6 month old? Not to mention that I would have to go to work on Monday. 

loveymay

Lurking from April 16 ^^^^ @bshurdy yes that is insane and I would absolutely not do that trip. My MIL hosted a baby shower for her step niece in law at the end of April at her house. The njece is a sweet girl but we see each other maybe once a year. My LO was born March 31st, so I sent a gift to the shower but did not plan on attending. My MIL lives 2.5 hours away from me. My DH told her I wasnt going to the shower and she asked me again if I was going. I told her no, and she asked me "are you sure?" Yes MIL, Im definitely sure Im not putting my newborn in his carseat to drive 2.5 hours to your house and allow a group of strangers pass my baby around, then drive 2.5 hours back home. Gah! She also asked to see my tattoo on my hip when I was 8 months pregnant. I politely told her no and she asked "are you sure?" Wtf? no im not lifting my shirt up so you can see my tattoo. Im not stupid, what you really want is to see my 8 month pregnant belly. Last week LO haf his one month Dr appt. MIL asked if my DH was taking off work to go with me. I said no. She asked if my mom was gping with me. I said no. She seemed shocked to know that I was taking my son *gasp* by myself to the Dr. ""You're going alone? ARE YOU SURE? ?"

swflJD

@bshurdy That's ridiculous!  By the time you get there, you'll be exhausted from the drive, and by the time you're recovered from the drive, it will be time to turn around and drive back and go to work the next day.  I wouldn't drive 8+ hours for a weekend even without a 6 month old.  There's no way in hell I'd do it with an infant!  Don't let her guilt you into going. You're not being at all unreasonable for wanting to sit this trip out!  

yogahh

My mil- who has never ever ever called me- just called to ask when she can come to the hospital. I told her we would need to see when the baby is here first, right? Gonna be a looooong week I feel

JessicaB0627

yogahh said:

My mil- who has never ever ever called me- just called to ask when she can come to the hospital. I told her we would need to see when the baby is here first, right? Gonna be a looooong week I feel

I told DH that I am not going to be nice if his family can't figure out how to give us privacy, and he can deal with the consequences of their hurt feelings if they don't understand. So I'm giving him the chance to deal with his mom first, and if he can't then he has to live with how I choose to handle it. 

bkjade

@DanandVan - woof. 

Sounds incredibly stressful, I've been there! While DH's family is incredibly reliable and amazing, my family means well but is much less organized. 

DH and I made a point of not recruiting family to take care of pets/kids/stuff (this is baby #3). This way my family can't f**k it up and his family can relax and come visit without worrying about having any obligations. We have hired help and have two super organized amazing friends for the really important stuff, this way there isn't any room for people messing up. Maybe you can hire someone or find a reliable friend to do carpooling? Family can be. . . complicated.

Another option that might be a back up plan is to have DH do all of the childcare, etc. I don't plan on having DH stick around the hospital with me, we are planning on him being there for the birth and then probably heading back to the house to check up on stuff. Perhaps not ideal for you, but might work as a back up plan?

Last, don't get too stressed about the plan not going as you had hoped. Tell DH to get it together and that this thing is freaking you out and you need some help figuring it out. Then get a foot massage. It will all be ok! 

s2squared

Ugh what is it about the MILs turning cray cray right around when baby is due?  At 37 weeks my MIL got super annoying AND I was feeling awful with cramping and back pain.  Because I run my business out of my home, they already think they can just pop in to visit at my house whenever it's works for them since they live a few miles away.  I finally agreed to my husband's request that week to start taking it easier with work since I wasn't feeling great and we were nervous baby was trying to make his arrival (plus my Dr. was out of town that week). So I basically spent the week trying to wrap up my work from the couch.  One of those days I started not feeling well and laid down for a nap (as that seemed to be the only thing that really help me).  Apparently I missed a call from my MIL during my nap.  (They are famous for calling 5 mins before arriving at our house, if we even get that.)  I woke up to a knock on the door, and decided not to answer.  I heard several more knocks and just didn't want to get up because I felt crappy.  Next thing I know my MIL just opens up the door and yells my name.  I caved and answered her.  She asked if I was napping and said yes, and she didn't even apologize for getting me up.  She wanted to give me one onesie for the baby and had to talk and talk to me... even after I explained I wasn't feeling good and it wasn't BH I was feeling. She then proceeded to challenge me on what BH were and not agreeing with what my Dr has very well explained to me.  I was livid after the visit and I couldn't go back to sleep so I continued to feel terrible for 11 hours (until 3am!). The next day she had to call me (I assume she was at the store) asking if I had gotten baby medicine yet. I just responded saying "not yet" as we have looked but decided to wait it out to see what we need and wait for Dr suggestions too.  That was all she wanted to know and the phone call ended.  The following day I missed her call, and she NEVER leaves voicemails, I missed a second call from her an hour later, again no voicemail.  And finally on her third call I was around my phone and answered.  All she wanted to know was how I was feeling. (Ummmm can't you just text me?!?)  By the end of the week of annoying me (she seldom ever calls me) I was so annoyed.  I sat my H down that there needs to be boundaries set with his parents!  He didn't take it very well, but they did leave me alone last week and just annoyed him everyday asking for updates!  Fingers crossed they got the hint from my H, because I'm not going to do well if they try popping into visit whenever works for them.

itsbrookejones

My MIL didn't bother to send a shower gift... Or a card... And it's not like we need anything, it's just the principle. Who does that?!