Grandparents

Elizabeth043086

I've practiced AP even before I even knew what it was.  It's how my mom raised me and what came natural.  I was just curious if I was alone on this or does it bother you when grandparents try to overstep their boundaries and tend to your children's needs for you?  Things are getting tense between the inlaws and I was thinking of writing them a letter of my expectations and why I parent the way I do and why I want to be the one meeting my childrens needs not them.  Just curious if I'm crazy or are there others like me? 

TwizBeans

I guess I need you to clarify what exactly the IL's do that "oversteps boundaries"? By tending to your child's needs, do you mean loving them and caring for them when they need it? Do YOU get to be the only one that can tend to their needs? I'm not being mean, I genuinely am curious what you mean because aside from mistreating my children or putting them in harms way, I would never, ever tell my kids grandparents what they can and cannot do with them. I would HOPE that my mom would tend to my kids needs when they are with her. This just sounds nuts.

With that being said, what ever happened to just a good old fashioned sit down conversation? I'm not sure why you have to hide behind a letter when you could just explain to them how you are feeling.

I think you need to let go a little and realize that the more loving people they have in their lives the better. It's great you want to fully embrace attachment parenting but you don't have to go overboard and smother your kids.

doodleoodle

It's probably good for children to know that they can rely on other people to take care of them if need be. You don't want to have to leave them somewhere due to an emergency or even just a date with your DH and not have your children feel comfortable. That being said, if they are say, snatching your crying baby out of your arms that's a different story.

angelicac06

I also am wondering what you mean by tending to the babys needs instead of you. As the parent I feel that family needs to follow my lead and my parenting style. For example my MIL tried walking away with my baby after he became really frightened by something with the mentality that it's better for him to "learn" to be comforted by others. I snatched my baby back after he was screaming bloody murder. He needs his momma right now, it's not for you to decide what he needs to be taught! It made me so angry. So yes please elaborate.

FluffleSprout

I think that letter will most likely end very badly. Very. 

When you're a new mom, it tales a while to learn you aren't parenting in a vacuum and other loved ones can and should help.

If your in-law's are, say grabbing a crying baby from you arms, I'd turn away and address it then and tell them they can't help right now and you've got this. If they are offering comfort to a crying kid or interested in carrying a calm baby, you should try and let them. 

Basically, I'd need more info but AP doesn't mean you control every second of each day. 

SLGILL1978

You're going to have to pick and choose your battles with the in laws. If there are things that you don't like but in the grand scheme of things are insignificant, like having the baby wear socks all the time, then I would just perfect my smile, nods and thank yous. 

neverblushed

Yes, I think most parents have to negotiate boundaries with the grandparents, whether it be their own parents or the in laws.  Right now you feel like the in laws are the problem because you are following your mom's techniques.  But times change, best practices change, and there will probably even come a time when you have to let your mom know why you're doing things in a new way that's unfamiliar to her.

However, I think you are inviting trouble to write them a letter.  Your in laws believe their ways are the "right" ways just as much as you do.  Imagine how it would feel to be an eager grandparent who is excited to interact with a new baby grandchild when you receive a letter from your daughter in law basically explaining how "you're doing it wrong."  You wouldn't explicitly state that, of course, but that's probably how your in laws would feel when they finished reading the letter. 

My mom was my daycare provider when my kids were small.  Even though she and I agree on a lot, there were still things that I had to stand firm on.  I tried to differentiate between things that were matters of health/safety vs. matters of parenting style.  If it was a health/safety issue, I would explain the reasoning to my mom and expect her to fall in line.  If it was just her style vs. mine, I let her have autonomy.  After all, she needed to develop a separate relationship with my children.  Children can come to recognize that grandma does it one way and mommy does it another way.  It's actually good for kids to learn to accommodate different caregiving styles.

Also, if it's just a matter of your in laws giving you helpful "hints" or saying typical stuff like, "well, when your DH was little we did it X way and it never hurt him..." then just thank them for sharing and move on. Or if you have a good relationship with them, maybe remind them that they probably didn't always see eye to eye with their parents and in laws either.  Every generation has to do things their own way.

liacin

Nope not crazy at all! It's your job to be a parent not them; they had their turn. When my baby was little my MIL told me everything I did was wrong and told me I was literally holding my (3 day old) baby too much and I should let her "experience the world." That being said, they love your child and are just trying to help, so I would just nod and smile honestly and if they actually try to do something for you say "thanks but I've got it."