It all happend so fast yet feels like a 100 years

Noona4

Hi all,

Sorry for the verrrry long post but just need to let it out.. (+4 any errors bcoz my first language is not english) 

I was due May 4 carrying franternal twin boys

On March 14 my water broke , I was hospitalized and in the evening of march 15 I gave birth to my twins..

The first baby came out , cried emmediately ,I saw him and touched his cheek,  then my other baby came out but I didnt hear him cry,  they took him away before I got to see him.. I knew something was wrong and I kept asking about him and why he didnt cry, but I was optimistic that everything would be ok and that it was a common thing, 

The next day my husbend came from the NICU telling me that twin A was fine but twin B wasnt.. 

Twin B couldnt breath on his own , they tried CPR and it didnt work,  they had to intubate him!

I went to see him the next day, seeing him broke my heartttt,, he was surrounded by machines and wires, he also had jaundice so I wasnt  able to see his eyes at first and his mouth was taped as well : ( 

The doctor told us that he had Polmunary hypertension and that his heart was working extra hard to pumb blood to his body.. We were devistated seeing him receiving 100% Oxygen and still his saturation level was barely 85 or less .. I was really heartbroken to see him suffer like that but I had faith. My husband and I got obssessed about his Oxygen levels , we would just stare at the machines helplessly and I would burst into tears several in the NICU whenever he collapsed : ( There was nothing I could do and this fact was killing me.. 

I was discharged from the hospital and used to visit the NICU everyday to see my twins (thank god the other boy was fine) 

on the 23rd March 2016 the doctor asked to see us.. he told us that our baby wasnt responding to the treatment and to expect the worst..

I was staying at my parent's home..

In the same night they called my husbend to tell him that my baby flat lined at midnight but they were able to resuscitate him ,, he went to see my baby and didnt tell me, he wanted to spare me the sorrow but by doing that I didnt get to say goodbye or hold his hand.. they called him again at dawn and told him to come and he knew that it all ended.. That night I woke up in the middle of the night after a nightmare..I knew something was wrong ,my husband called me an hour later to tell me the news 

: (((( my baby passed away after 10 days of his short life :"(

There are no words to describe what had happened to me later or how I felt and still feel.

I now try to hide my feelings from other bcoz they dont understand.. if they see me cry they ask me what's wrong? They think that Im ok now or that I should be ok by now!

My experience with my twin B was full of fear and anxiety.. My h and I were traumatized by the fluctuating numbers on the machines.. I would wake up every morning to call the NICU and ask about "hussain" and wait for their answer ((His condition hasn't changed))..

I dont know what to do with this feeling that I have,, I just want to reach him ,, to know him,, hear his voice,,remember how he looked like ( the pics I have for him in the incubator are not clear)

I want to see him in a dream or something.. Now I just visit his grave every week and wait till we meet again some day in after life

I miss him 

slfezz

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. T&P for you and your family. There is a child loss board that you could reach out to with other women who have been through a loss. I hope you get all the support you need in this hard time. 

saladflambe

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son, Hussain. You have every right to grieve - now, tomorrow, in a month, year, for always - I don't think a mother ever stops grieving the loss of her child. Is there anyone you might be comfortable speaking with? A religious leader, counselor, family member, or would you be open to finding a therapist, professional, or even a support group of other families that have lost children so that you could have a safe place in which to feel all that you're feeling, talk about it openly.

In any case, I am so sorry. There's no response that could make this better. It's the hardest thing. But feel free to come here and talk about Hussain as much as you might want. I know there are others on this board who have lost children, and all of us, whether we've been there or not, will be here to listen and offer support.

TheThornBird

I'm so sorry you went through this; I don't think there is any greater pain than losing a child. And I'm sorry people expect you to be over it by now. These wounds take *years* to heal, not weeks. 

When I had a miscarriage last year I saw a therapist who, like you, had twins that were born early but both died. It helped tremendously to talk with someone who understood what I was going through. There are also groups for parents who have lost children, you may be able to find one in your area. 

Something else that helped me was to set time aside every day to "be" with the son I lost. That helped me function the rest of the day. I know other people who planted a tree, got a necklace, or made something in honor of their child. 

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's been a year since my miscarriage and I still cry for my son; I know it must be a million times worse for you. Feel free to reach out anytime you need to talk. 

lizChesnut

I can only imagine what you're going through! I'm so very sorry  for your loss. Don't let anybody make you feel like you should be over it by now! A mother will never! "Be over" losing her child. I know how thankful you must be to have one baby safe in your arms. But that baby will never be Hussain. Your first baby will never take his place and it wouldn't be fair to expect him to.  God bless you and your family. You will see him again someday....but until then, sending so much love to you! 

VS2016

I am so sorry for your loss! That would be devastating!  I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers! 

hellogoodbye2

I cried reading this, you have every right to cry whenever you need to, don't keep it in. This is heartbreaking to hear. I have no words of wisdom, but I wish you the very best as you and your family cope with the passing of your son. 

NB817

So sorry for your loss! Please don't let anyone try to tell you how you should feel. You can grieve as long as you want to for your son. 

missytheclydesdale2007

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending many thoughts and prayers to your family. 

lalala2004

I am terribly sorry and my prayers are with you. I also recommend the After Loss board on here. Sadly many others have experienced this horrible heartbreak. Grieve however you need to.