thinking about de ivf, help please!

phibs4

Hello girls! I'm 44, I was diagnosed with early climax at 36. My doctor told me that reserves of eggs in ovaries depleted. I met my husband when I was 30. We've been always dreaming about children. This 'news' about my health shocked us. We are in complete perplexity! Adoption is not an option for us. So the only solution is IVF with donor eggs. My husband looks positively on this procedure. And I…I don't know. I understand that this child won't be mine. My husband will be a father, some woman will be a mother and who will I be? Some woman, who gave birth. And what if this child wants to find his real mother? Also we have told nothing to parents of my husband. If his mother get to know that we want to use donor egg she will kill me!She doesn't like me at all. Each family dinner she asks me 'When will I see my grandchildren?',' Don't you want to become a mother?',' Why don't you want to have children from my son?',' You're getting older, don't you think it's time?' I'm sorry, I know she's my mother in law, but I want to punch her in her face. So donation is my only chance to become a mother and to shut the mouth of my mother in law. But I have so many doubts! Will I love this child? Even if I give him/her birth, will it feel like my own? Recently I saw program on tv about children from donor eggs. One girl was looking for a donor, who donated egg to her mother. I can't even imagine how painful this situation is for mother of this girl! She gave everything to this child. She gave her life to maintain and care about this girl. She considered her like her own daughter. And here is gratitude… Maybe someone can shed light on egg donation? How do you feel about your child after the procedure? Do you have regrets? Thank you for attention...

ReesaAnne16

phibs4 said:

Hello girls! I'm 44, I was diagnosed with early climax at 36. My doctor told me that reserves of eggs in ovaries depleted. I met my husband when I was 30. We've been always dreaming about children. This 'news' about my health shocked us. We are in complete perplexity! Adoption is not an option for us. So the only solution is IVF with donor eggs. My husband looks positively on this procedure. And I…I don't know. I understand that this child won't be mine. My husband will be a father, some woman will be a mother and who will I be? Some woman, who gave birth. And what if this child wants to find his real mother? Also we have told nothing to parents of my husband. If his mother get to know that we want to use donor egg she will kill me!She doesn't like me at all. Each family dinner she asks me 'When will I see my grandchildren?',' Don't you want to become a mother?',' Why don't you want to have children from my son?',' You're getting older, don't you think it's time?' I'm sorry, I know she's my mother in law, but I want to punch her in her face. So donation is my only chance to become a mother and to shut the mouth of my mother in law. But I have so many doubts! Will I love this child? Even if I give him/her birth, will it feel like my own? Recently I saw program on tv about children from donor eggs. One girl was looking for a donor, who donated egg to her mother. I can't even imagine how painful this situation is for mother of this girl! She gave everything to this child. She gave her life to maintain and care about this girl. She considered her like her own daughter. And here is gratitude… Maybe someone can shed light on egg donation? How do you feel about your child after the procedure? Do you have regrets? Thank you for attention...

Hi @phibs4   I'm sorry for your difficult diagnosis I think there are other women here who have been diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve as well, so maybe they can offer you some thoughts on how they processed that diagnosis.  

It is unfair for your mother-in-law to say those things, I'm sorry that your relationship seems strained because of her comments. 

I don't know how to address your concerns about using donor eggs for IVF, but some of the ladies in the Third-Party-Reproduction forum might have more experience with that. https://forums.thebump.com/categories/Third-Party-Reproduction

I hope you are able to find some answers to the questions you have, and in time be able to make a more confident decision about whether using donor eggs is the right step for you and your partner. Thinking of you

Ducks&Cats

Hello!  I don't have personal experience with donor eggs but I did want to share my thoughts with you.  It is understandable that you would have these questions and concerns in regards to how will a child from a donor egg feel and how will you feel.  Honestly, there is no telling how a child from a donor egg will feel when they learn they are from a donor egg.  The child may grow up and not care at all, or the child may try to track down the donor.  I hope this doesn't dissuade you from trying to become a mother. What is wonderful is that your husband is optimistic and supportive of this path. Also, I am sorry you are being treated poorly by your MIL,I hope your husband sticks up for you.

Good luck and feel free to join the weekly check in and update us!

phibs4

Girls, thank you so much for your support! I really needed somebody to talk about my situation. My friends don't understand at all. They say 'why are you creating extra problems?' or 'don't complicate'. Thank you, after your words my problems disappeared! I love them, but they just don't understand. They don't feel this horrible pain. All of my friends have their own kids. They've never faced situation, when you just hate yourself so much. You know that you'll never be able to get pregnant normally, like others do. I put all my hope on Ukrainian clinics...Still I have doubts about this procedure. I'm freaked out by thought, that my child will grow up and start hating me, because I'm not his mother. Also I'm scared that everyone will notice that child is not mine... I'm so scared to hear 'your child looks differently'. Anyway I appreciate your help! I will definitely check 'Third-Party Reproduction' category. I hope I'll find some answers there.

fiona.G6

phibs4 I'm so sorry for your situation. It's so nice you didn't give up and found good solution. I know it's difficult to accept a thought you will carry baby from donor egg. I was also afraid at first. It wasn't easy not to think about all those 'what ifs' questions. I had donation at 46 years old. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 30 yo. I spent years in treatments and medications. I really hoped they will help... I wish I knew all that was useless. I wouldn't waste so much time and money for all that. But what can we do... There is no chance to know everything for sure. I don't know what would I've done without my husband. He was supporting me and comforting me at those period of time. It was so hard to get back to some actions towards our goal to have children. I wasn't getting younger and I needed to make some decisions asap. So donation was my only chance to have children. I underwent DE IVF in Ukraine. I asked the clinic to find donor, which looks like me. I've just gave my doctor a list with some features, which I would like my egg donor to have. Yes, I admit, even after going to the clinic and signing a contract I had some doubts. I had no idea how I will feel about a baby. It was impossible to turn off my mind. But as soon as I knew I was pregnant everything had changed. We were so happy and the only thing which mattered was health of our babies! After that moment I've never considered my children as not mine or that they are from some other woman. They are my babies no matter what. I gave birth to two wonderful kids, Daniel and Denis. Everybody tell, they look like us! No one ever guess we went through this procedure. I've never regret about my decision. I have no idea how would I live without my precious kids. Honey, don't be afraid! I'm sure your feelings will change as soon as you feel baby inside. I wish you all the best! 

phibs4

Thank you so much for your response! I'm glad to find someone who I can talk with. It's hard to keep everything inside. Nobody will understand better then somebody with same problem. I'm sorry your treatment didn't work. But I'm glad you have 2 children and great family. I hope I will also have a happy story soon. Your words gave me hope, that my attitude will change. The only thing which matters is my desire to have children. I try to look positive on this situation. I will carry baby by myself, I will give birth by myself. It will be literally usual pregnancy. And a little bit help of doctors) And I'm happy to know I can request donor who will have same features with me. It's much more easier to accept this procedure now. Some people adopt children and they love them like their own. I should be grateful this procedure exists after all. I truly hope my doubts will fade away as soon as I feel baby inside of me. May I ask you a couple of questions? What is the name of the clinic? Why did you choose exactly this clinic? What was the major factor which convinced you? Was there something you didn't like? Maybe there was some inconveniences? I don't want to find falls, please don't take me wrong! I just want to know all details to be prepared if something goes wrong. I understand that you can't  be ready for everything and foresee each event. But still it's nice when you know what to expect. How was the service? How did you communicate with doctors and staff? Neither my husband nor I know Ukrainian. Of course it's not a big deal! We can hire translator. The only thing is he should have some medical education...Sorry for so many questions. I don't want bother you with my problems) Just hope for your help!

fiona.G6

Please ask me whatever you need! I would love to answer all your questions) Who else can help with searching of clinic if someone who had this procedure. I'm sure your feelings will change! Now it seems strange to you,I understand. But as soon as you'll know you're pregnant, you'll feel love and care toward your baby) Believe me, I know what I'm talking about! The clinic is called BioTexCom. Why did we choose exactly this clinic? We found many reviews about it, which convinced us to go there. Also manager of the clinic responded quickly on our first mail. She answered all our questions and tell us everything we needed to know. I've looked through each forum, each thread, each comment about de ivf procedure. There were both good and bad reviews. But generally the clinic seemed to me professional and popular among infertile couples. Also their prices are much lower then in US or Greece or any other country. We are not greedy. But everyone should understand this procedure is only the beginning. After childbirth costs grow along with child. So why pay more? This clinic proposes same services for lower price. What was the major factor which convinced us? There were a couple of factors actually. But when we came to the clinic for the first time, we saw many people there. I should say we didn't expect this at all. I never thought Ukraine is that popular. And since that moment I had a feeling that everything will be fine. Not for nothing people go there! First I was sceptical I guess. I thought their medicine stuck in the past. But after looking at the clinic and their modern equipment I changed my mind. You don't have to hire a translator! The clinic have already took care about everything! We were met in the airport by taxi driver, who was carrying us across Kiev by his car. He was transporting us to the clinic and our apartment, which was also provided by the clinic. We had a manager and she translated everything for us. She spoke language fluently, so there were no misunderstandings. They even provided us with food supply. The only thing which we cared about was the procedure. 

phibs4

Everything sounds good! It's nice the clinic found translator and housing for you! I didn't know clinics provide such services. Did you hire taxi by yourself or it's also the clinic's service? I really had no idea how to find all this by myself. It's seems impossible to organize all this without knowing language. I understand these services are not for free. The clinic counted each detail so foreign patients will be in absolute comfort in another country. How much did this services cost? And how much did you pay for the procedure? Did you pay all sum at once? I'm a little bit afraid to give all money right away. You never know what will happen tomorrow. Was there some additional fees? I've read some clinics start to pull more money after signing a contract. And what can we do in such situation? We pay, because process has started already. And when you think about termination of contract, you remember how hard it was to find clinic, how much efforts were made. So the only way is to pay and wait till it will be over. I'm glad to know they have modern equipment! I had some concerns about it. Usually when you watch movies, where they show Russia or Ukraine, you see old buildings and grey environment) Also I'm interested how much attempts of ivf did you have? And which one was successful? Sorry if it's personal, you may not answer) How do they choose egg donors? How can you be sure they are healthy? Did you choose donor by yourself? I watch some videos about unhealthy egg donors. Some clinics don't make tests so baby may be born with genetic diseases. This scared me to death! I don't want my child suffer physically and mentally from bullying and reproaches.

fiona.G6

We were never asked to pay some extra fees or charges. All those services were already included in our package. The clinic has 3 packages in general. We chose 'Guaranteed success' for €9 900. Also it has 'Double package' for €6 900, where you can have 2 attempts. If you choose 'Economy package' for €4 900, you'll have one attempt of de ivf. Speaking about package we chose, we had 5 attempts. In case of failure of all tries, the clinic gives money back. So there was no risk for us. We had nothing to loose. That's why we chose exactly this package. I've got pregnant from second attempt. It's ok for me to talk about this, so don't worry. We didn't pay all sum at once. I think it's too risky to do so. The payment was divided into 2 parts. We paid €4500 after we signed contract during our first visit. On the day of the first embryo transfer we paid second half. We were never asked to pay some extra money! You can't choose donor by yourself. Contact of clients with donor is prohibited by law. So we provided desired phenotype. We sent information about the desirable characteristics of the donor to the clinic. We indicated height, weight, hair color, eyes color, nose, face and lips shape. Generally saying, all features we needed. Then the clinic found three donors corresponding to our phenotypes and sent us info about them. And then we chose the one, who suited us the most. Speaking about egg donors and their health. All requirements to donors were specified in the package we've chosen. First requirement is age of donor. All their donors are 18 – 25 years old. Second requirement is perfect physical and mental health. And third requirement is absence of genetic diseases in the donor and her family. So we were absolutely sure in health of our donor.

phibs4

Thank you for so detailed answer. I appreciate your help! I'm surprised that the clinic pays back if procedure fails. Their donors are so young! It's nice they check not only donors' health, but also their family. I like the opportunity to give the clinic characteristics of desirable donor. The child will look like me and it's great! I think it will help me not to think that I had to undergo de ivf. No one will tell me that my child looks not like me. I was scared that it will be obvious that baby is not mine. And everyone would start judging or feel pity for me. The last is the worst. I just want to live normal life. I want to have my family. I want my husband to be happy. And the most important I want to hear my child calls me 'mommy'. That's all I need! I think it's not that much…I want to ask you just a couple more things. I hope you don't mind. How much time did you visit the clinic? And what was with transportation and housing? I mean the clinic provides all these services during first visit. But what with other times? What about medical tests and ultrasounds? Did you have to do them each time in biotexcom? And finally my last question! I hope I don't bore you too much... I don't want you to waste your time on me. I need to clarify one issue which concerns me the most. Is it safe to go to Ukraine at this moment? We all know about their war. I’ve seen so many horrible videos in the internet. Innocent people die there. Whole cities turn into ruins… Maybe it’s better to set aside our visit? I really don’t know what to do. I’ve read some comments. Somebody says it’s safe, but other say it’s so dangerous there and tell some terrifying stories. I don’t know who should I listen to. So I put all my hope on you. Thank you so much for your patience!

fiona.G6

You're welcome, dear. I'm sure you'll make it. I think you have the right mood and thoughts! With all these you will gain success, I'm sure! I had same thoughts on my mind. So I perfectly know how it feels. All that waiting just making you insane. I was looking at other women, who have already became mothers. I was so jealous, I thought maybe I've done something bad? Maybe I just don't deserve to get what I want? Yes, it's hard, because it's not our fault we can't conceive naturally. But still we should be grateful for such chance to have this procedure and become mothers. We had 3 visits in a frameworks of our procedure. The clinic provided us with accommodation during all our visits. By the way, we were provided with food supply too. Our doctor assigned the treatment plan for us. Also she gave us all needed instructions. We didn't go to biotexcom for ultrasounds and tests! All these we did in our local clinic. Then we just had to send the results to our program coordinator by mail. So there was no extra waste of money) The first attendance lasted 2 days. During this visit we had medical examination. Also we were provided with information about the program, organizational and medical parts and terms of the contract. Our second and third visits lasted for 6 days. We had sperm pick-up, fertilization of donor’s eggs and embryo transfer. You can set your worries about war aside! We were in Kiev in 2015 last time. We were nervous too! We didn't know what situation was there. Especially after watching some videos reading some articles we were scared. But I assure you it’s very friendly and peaceful city. It's absolutely safe in Kiev. The hostilities take place in east part of Ukraine. So you have nothing to worry about. You can concentrate on the procedure and your baby.

phibs4

I appreciate your help! I don't know what would I've done without all this info. It's the first time I talked about my problems. I closed my feelings and emotions inside. This didn't let me to live. I'm glad I opened my soul. Now I feel I can move on. You gave me hope that this time everything will be fine. Although I have some doubts, but still I'm inspired now. I'm very grateful for your support and advices!

phibs4

Hello girls! First of all I want to thank you all for support and advices you gave me! My de ivf journey has already started. We're using Ukrainian clinic. You were absolutely right! As soon as embryos were transferred all doubts faded away! I'm so glad that finally we are moving towards our dream. Now it's too early to tell details about the procedure so I'll tell a few words about the clinic. We're using biotexcom. We chose package for €6.900. We have 2 attempts of ivf. I hope we won't need the second one) We were given an opportunity to choose donor. I'm sure I won't feel my child isn't mine in any case) Girls, wish you all the best! I'll tell more details later)