S/O Telling work: What exact words will you use

TheBorg7of9

This is my third baby and my second at this job.  I work at a big law firm and will have to tell my older male boss soon.  I am his only associate, so I know it is a PITA for him when I took my last maternity leave.  I would like to avoid saying that I am having "another" baby.

How about:
- "I have some news... I am expecting a November baby. We are very excited.  We can figure out the leave details when the time is closer."
-"Do you have a minute? I just need to tell you that I am pregnant and and due in November. The plan will probably be the same as last time.  There's nothing administrative I need from you, but I wanted to tell you first."

For some reason, using the word "pregnant" with my boss feels awkward.

Should I mention that we are not planning to have any more kids?
Should I say that my plan will be the same as last time and I'll be taking a week of vacation before my due date?

Have you rehearsed this? What will you say exactly?

Roxell

TheBorg7of9 said:

This is my third baby and my second at this job.  I work at a big law firm and will have to tell my older male boss soon.  I am his only associate, so I know it is a PITA for him when I took my last maternity leave.  I would like to avoid saying that I am having "another" baby.

How about:
- "I have some news... I am expecting a November baby. We are very excited.  We can figure out the leave details when the time is closer."
-"Do you have a minute? I just need to tell you that I am pregnant and and due in November. The plan will probably be the same as last time.  There's nothing administrative I need from you, but I wanted to tell you first."

For some reason, using the word "pregnant" with my boss feels awkward.

Should I mention that we are not planning to have any more kids?
Should I say that my plan will be the same as last time and I'll be taking a week of vacation before my due date?

Have you rehearsed this? What will you say exactly?

I don't have any advice as I've never had to tell a boss I'm pregnant. I just want to agree with you about using the word pregnant with my boss! Hopefully someone else will have some good advice

MissAmeliaPond

@TheBorg7of9 you are always awesome, and I know you will eloquently deliver the news to your boss. 

Personally, I vote for something along the lines of your "Do you have a minute? I just need to tell you that I am pregnant and and due in November. The plan will probably be the same as last time.  There's nothing administrative I need from you right now, but I wanted to tell you first."

I don't feel like you need to offer extra details (about not having more kids etc.) unless he asks, but maybe add the bit about planning to take a week of vacation prior to the beginning of the LOA just as a reminder for him. Could you role-play the conversation with your husband? Maybe that practice would help? 

Good luck! 

aquasocks

I like the second one and also reminding him about the LOA you took last time. I wouldn't worry about mentioning it's your last unless you feel like he needs to know. 

The managing partner at my firm was a 40-something mom of 2, and she knew we had been trying. I pretty much danced into her office, and there was some squealing. You know your boss best and what his comfort level is. I think what you have planned sounds perfect though! Let us know how it goes!

serenaxo84

I like the first one personally. I feel like the "do you have a minute" is like an apology and you don't need to apologize. I would tell your boss your expecting a November baby, you're very excited and your expecting to be out for the same amount of time as your last maternity leave. I would not mention you don't plan on having additional kids because plans change and frankly it's none of your works business. 

I had to tell my two male bosses and while it was a little awkward- they were happy about it! I am an EA do me being out of the office will be rough for them as well. 

After I spoke to them I wrote an email to HR and cc'd my bosses, letting HR know my plan as long as everything in the pregnancy is normal and that I was trying to schedule appointments at lunch to minimize out of work time. I also had ideas on how to not be out of the loop at work while on leave and that I would be available if needed... Just not always on a timely basis! 

Good Luck! It's happy news! 

shevaCC

I agree with @serenaxo84 -- skip anything that sounds like apologizing and keep your personal business personal. All he really needs to know is when to plan on you being gone, and for how long. You'll do great!

hjmommaplus1

I like the first one better. I agree that it has a more positive tone and this is something to celebrate!!!

I'm an Associate at a relatively large firm too. I know every firm is different but things really slow down around my office in November and December for the holidays/end of the year. If your firm is similar, perhaps your absence won't be as hard for him this go round... Regardless, he'll figure it out (just like he did last time) and I'm sure whatever you say will be perfect!

aquasocks

Just wanted to add.... I really like the first one too! It does sound more positive. Just don't say what my husband did. He told everyone at his firm "She is expecting number two!" It sounds like I'm about to drop a deuce. 

mrsjlang

My immediate supervisor have known since IVF, I had to juggle work to accommodate. My work is pretty chill, especially when like 70% of us are women. For those that weren't included on the IVF scheming, I literally just said that I had something to share and said I was pregnant. Sorry I don't have better advice. 

Thewizardofrhythm

@TheBorg7of9 I am a lawyer too, familiar with firm culture and understand how this can be difficult. I also know you are a smart woman and have thought this out. At the same time, I really want to encourage you not to let male dominated firm culture determine how you deliver your news and plan your leave! Does your boss get to decide the terms of your leave? If not, I would decide what you want separate and aside from whether your boss thinks it's a problem. Once you've determined that, tell him factually without concern for his emotions. your ideas seem to concerned with what he needs and wants.  I would say something like,  can I speak with you for a moment. I'm expecting and due in November. I plan to be out the week before my due date and x amount of weeks/months after. I plan to return around this date. Please let me know if there is anything else you need to know from me. 

Chcaggie1

I'm an engineer so heavily male dominated industry as well. Last time I told my boss and the end of our wkly update mtg "one more thing I wanted to share with you, J and I are expecting our first child in February! I smiled really big and waited for his response. He was quite happy for us, we didn't talk about maternity leave until several months later. I will do something similar this time.

MrsDho11

I like the first one best, and I too would stay away from saying that you don't plan to have any more.  I would add the, "There's nothing administrative I need from you, but I wanted to tell you first." Bit as well because it just makes you sound really on top of it, and also sets the expectation that it isn't going to be a big deal for him. Even if it kind of is, I think it's helpful to frame it as not to try to help him be in a better mood about it.  If that makes any sense?  Sorry I feel awful and like I'm being illiterate right now...

BmcD2016

I work in a super male dominant workplace and my boss is a really laid back, buddy buddy kind of guy. So I figure I may pull him aside and tell him I'm sorry for being such a shitty employee for the last few weeks, but that I'm pregnant. And that the worst of it should be over by now. 

My my leave will come at the worst possible time as the end of the year means deadlines, but I think they'll make it through and will probably appreciate me more when I come back! 

lenacoilbov

I manage a team of 26 and am nervous about how to tell them! Should I announce nonchalantly during a group meeting? What should I say? I don't know why but I agree with OP it feels super awkward!

serenaxo84

@BmcD2016 don't apologize for being a shotty employee!!! Don't say anything about not being a good employee! I feel like it sets a bad tone and you don't want your boss thinking you're going to use your pregnancy as a disability! 

@lenacolibov I would wait to tell your team until you have a plan on what will happen while you are on your leave... Like who they will be reporting to and how long you'll be out etc. but I would definitely let your boss and HR know before you tell your team- just so you can all be on the same page. And when you tell your team, you can make it light but assure them of the plan while you're gone

talkthewholetime

I think I said "I think you know why people come in your office and close the door" and he was like "well, i have one idea" and then I told him. My boss is the principal of an all-female staffed elementary school and there's been 3 of us on maternity leave at least for the last 5ish years. It wasn't exactly a shock. He gave me a hug, which was weird, because he's not that kind of guy. Probably the second hug I've gotten in 8 years.

I emailed our announcement to my superintendent, who's a really big family guy. I tried to tell him in person when he observed me a few weeks ago, but he left before I got the kids out of the room.

kms456

I had to tell my immediate supervisor pretty early due to some complications we faced. I told my CFO/COO last week by just walking in and saying "I'm pregnant" with the goofiest grin on. We are a very family friendly, smallish corporate office for a large statewide assisted living community.  He was ecstatic as I knew he would be. We of course will work out a coverage plan as there is only one other person in my IT department for 20 facilities (yikes), but we've done it before so he's not worried.

Oakleypoozles

I personally feel incredibly strongly about my rights as a woman to have a child. While it's an uncomfortable situation because it does cause hardship on a boss potentially it's life, it's necessary and I personally never ever want to feel badly or unaccepted for being pregnant. I don't feel like being pregnant or raising kids is a privilege I feel it's an expected right. 

Since you work for a BIG law firm you are probably covered by FMLA laws so his feelings about it are irrelevant anyway. 

I would be very kind but I wouldn't be making apologies for it or promising you won't have anymore. I would just say 

"I'm excited to announce that I'm pregnant and expecting a November baby. I wanted to let you know because it's exciting and also so you have ample time to make necessary arrangements for my leave. I'll help you make it as easy as possible."

I'm kind of goofy with my employers I'd probably add "I expect your wife at the shower with something cute! Just sayin" lol But you may not have that kinda relationship with your boss haha.  My career and office is small tight knit group we are actually very much a family and I love it. If you aren't tight with your coworkers/boss just adjust to be more professional. 

2amgoodbyes

I'm one of the lucky ones in a small, friendly team. My boss and closest coworker already know to explain my multiple doctor appointments, but I plan to tell the rest of my 7-person team soon.

I plan on bringing it up in a meeting when my boss goes "Ok, anything else?" I want to reply with something like "Yeah, I'd like you all to know that as long as things go according to plan, I won't be here at the end of the year..."
[short moment of suspense]
"Because I'll have a baby at the end of November!"

I can get away with a little prank :-P

muybueno

@TheBorg7of9 Have you told him yet? 

TheBorg7of9

muybueno said:

@TheBorg7of9 Have you told him yet? 

No, I am waiting for the results of the maternity21 test.  I just had the bloodwork this morning.

shamrocandroll

Personally, I would schedule a meeting with him, and come with an outline of your plan.  It will show that you have put thought and consideration into it, and that you're handling it in an organized and professional way.  Just popping into his office may catch him off-guard.  Scheduling the meeting ahead of time will allow you to talk through your plans, and reassure him that you plan to work with him to make the transition leading up to your leave go as smoothly as possible.

Roxell

I ended up telling my boss today (10 weeks). It was a lot earlier than I had planned but I was so sick today I was leaving at lunch and decided just to tell him. I stopped by his office and asked if he had a minute. He said sure what's up. And I said It's a lot earlier than I had planned on telling you but I wanted to let you know I'm pregnant. I let him know I was feeling really dizzy and sick so I was leaving at lunch and my DH was gonna give me a ride home so I didn't have to drive. He was really excited and gave me a high five. He kept telling me congratulations and that he was really excited for us. He also let me know that he is super flexible with my scheduled and if I ever feel like I need to leave early or come in late just let him know. He has young kids himself and one of the guys in our department just had a baby in January so I knew it was going to go alright telling him. I did not expect him to be so happy for us though, I almost burst into tears in his office!

TheBorg7of9

shamrocandroll said:

Personally, I would schedule a meeting with him, and come with an outline of your plan.  It will show that you have put thought and consideration into it, and that you're handling it in an organized and professional way.  Just popping into his office may catch him off-guard.  Scheduling the meeting ahead of time will allow you to talk through your plans, and reassure him that you plan to work with him to make the transition leading up to your leave go as smoothly as possible.

that's a good idea, but it would just be unheard-of for me to schedule a meeting with him.  He would think that I was quitting or some other terrible thing.  That's what he thought for my last baby when I walked in and said I had news.  I'm thinking I'll go in first thing in the morning before he can get too busy.  Also, the plan is that he will do all my work himself because there is no one else to do it.  So, there's really no "plan" to talk about.  

seven6five

I sat down in the office and basically said something along the lines of "so uh, I need to tell you something... So I'm uh kind of pregnant again... So if we can just keep this information in the management that would be preferable."

TwandaFTG

I like telling my bosses early on.  That way they know I haven't lost enthusiasm for the job and all my mysterious appointments aren't interviews!

I am a legal secretary and I waited until my two main bosses (one is a partner and one is counsel) were together and I just walked in and said explained that at my appointment the day before we were able to see baby no. 2 and that I am due around Thanksgiving.

Last time the conversation was very similar but I told them before my appointment because I wanted to explain why I acted like I was miserable!

I will say that I told my partner's female associate before we even started trying again so that hopefully we won't be out at the same time.  So she knew weeks ahead of the other guys.  And for my other two male associates I just causally told them.  Neither of them were at the firm last time I was pregnant.

I am lucky that last time they split my job role into two positions so I have had a much lighter work load then last time so the coverage I need this time going into maternity leave is not as dire.

TheBorg7of9

Ok. So I told him. I was already in his office talking about something else. When we were done, 

Me: So, there's something I should tell you. 
Him: you're pregnant?
Me: yes. 
Him: ok. I guess I'll get a lot more billable hours! (Because he'll be doing my work while I'm gone)
Me: I guess so... Well that's all. I'm due in November.
him: ok. Thanks. Have you told (the head of our dept). 
Me: not yet. But I'm calling her now. 
Him: ok thanks. 

So, I'm glad it's over. But yuck, couldn't he just say congratulations? Ugh. 

Roxell

@TheBorg7of9 I'm glad it went well! Or at least not bad...

therealvday

@TheBorg7of9 - ew, that's super awkward. Sorry...

DunkinDecaf

@TheBorg7of9 Huh. Well at least he phrased his extra work in terms of the upside instead of as an inconvenience, I guess. A "congratulations" would definitely have made it less awkward though.

TheBorg7of9

DunkinDecaf said:

@TheBorg7of9 Huh. Well at least he phrased his extra work in terms of the upside instead of as an inconvenience, I guess. A "congratulations" would definitely have made it less awkward though.

Well, I do think he meant it as an inconvenience. Oh well. 

DunkinDecaf

TheBorg7of9 said:

DunkinDecaf said:

@TheBorg7of9 Huh. Well at least he phrased his extra work in terms of the upside instead of as an inconvenience, I guess. A "congratulations" would definitely have made it less awkward though.

Well, I do think he meant it as an inconvenience. Oh well. 

Hmm. That's a bummer. Well the awkward telling him about it part is over, at least!