I hate the term fur baby. I have always had animals and love them as part of my family, but being a mom made me realize that I could never love an animal as much as my own kid. It's just not possible for me.
Theyre not babies. They're animals and we have our own special kind of all consuming love for them, but it isn't the same as your own child.
I don't feel like I need to take classes on childbirth or parenting. I honestly think I will be fine learning as I go. No class can prepare you like hands on experience. Not worth the extra $ either. To each their own.
I don't think Attachment Parenting works. Or, rather, I think it is rare that people who set out to attachment parent succeed and create independent self sufficient humans who have a normal relationship with their parents. As a preschool teacher in a population where almost everyone is an attachment parent (Montessori), all I see coming from the approach are total monsters and train wrecks. These kids struggle deeply with boundaries, they don't respond positively to structure, independence, or rules. They also often want to be rescued at the first sign of struggle and have a big fat "I can't" attitude about everything. And, on the other side of things, their parents are often a wreck. Sleep deprived, struggling with separation, and involved in their child's successes & failures in a way that seems unhealthy. They are so afraid of their child's negative emotions that they have spent years bending over backwards to meet their child's every need/want/whim. Which, you can imagine, creates total tyrants because kids are predisposed to be dictators before anyone coddles them.
I'm not sure if this will be an UO on TB but in my friend group I'd be treated like I'm Cersai fucking Lannister and marched through the streets if I admitted it. I plan on putting this baby on a schedule. I will respond to his needs, soothe, and love him. I will probably baby wear quite a bit. But I want him to learn to put himself to sleep. I want him to understand as he advances into toddlerhood that there are times we eat and times we don't eat and that not all problems are solved by eating (because eventually the boob solution becomes a snack solution which creates unhealthy eating habits). I want him to play independently, to know that I am there and fun and cool to be with but not going to get down on the floor and play dinosaurs every time he asks because that's fucking boring for adults and I'd rather read a book sometimes. I want him to know that he is loved but to know that there are rules in our home and in the world that he needs to follow, period. And that there will be consequences for not following those rules that I cannot and will not shield him from. I want him to fail, and know that I will over him support when he does, but won't fix the problem for him. I feel like I could probably rant forever, but the bottom line is that while I think the basic tenets of meeting a child where they are and helping them through love and kindness are all wonderful as long as the goal is independence. And so often with attachment parents, the independence is never achieved.
I don't think Attachment Parenting works. Or, rather, I think it is rare that people who set out to attachment parent succeed and create independent self sufficient humans who have a normal relationship with their parents. As a preschool teacher in a population where almost everyone is an attachment parent (Montessori), all I see coming from the approach are total monsters and train wrecks. These kids struggle deeply with boundaries, they don't respond positively to structure, independence, or rules. They also often want to be rescued at the first sign of struggle and have a big fat "I can't" attitude about everything. And, on the other side of things, their parents are often a wreck. Sleep deprived, struggling with separation, and involved in their child's successes & failures in a way that seems unhealthy. They are so afraid of their child's negative emotions that they have spent years bending over backwards to meet their child's every need/want/whim. Which, you can imagine, creates total tyrants because kids are predisposed to be dictators before anyone coddles them.
I'm not sure if this will be an UO on TB but in my friend group I'd be treated like I'm Cersai fucking Lannister and marched through the streets if I admitted it. I plan on putting this baby on a schedule. I will respond to his needs, soothe, and love him. I will probably baby wear quite a bit. But I want him to learn to put himself to sleep. I want him to understand as he advances into toddlerhood that there are times we eat and times we don't eat and that not all problems are solved by eating (because eventually the boob solution becomes a snack solution which creates unhealthy eating habits). I want him to play independently, to know that I am there and fun and cool to be with but not going to get down on the floor and play dinosaurs every time he asks because that's fucking boring for adults and I'd rather read a book sometimes. I want him to know that he is loved but to know that there are rules in our home and in the world that he needs to follow, period. And that there will be consequences for not following those rules that I cannot and will not shield him from. I want him to fail, and know that I will over him support when he does, but won't fix the problem for him. I feel like I could probably rant forever, but the bottom line is that while I think the basic tenets of meeting a child where they are and helping them through love and kindness are all wonderful as long as the goal is independence. And so often with attachment parents, the independence is never achieved.
Probably not unpopular but I totally judge parents who yell at their children. I get that they can be frustrating but yelling at them does absolutely nothing to improve their behavior. If anything, they start to be resentful of their parents. I've seen this unfold in front of my eyes with my nephews. Do you know what makes my son super upset? If I go over to him, stop whatever fun he's having, look him in the eye, and talk to him in a serious tone. It works. Some people say that different kids respond to different discipline and that's true but as far as I can tell, yelling has never been a discipline that's positively changed a child's behavior. My parents were yellers and all it made me do was shut them out completely. It never "taught me a lesson" or "made me a better person" like they insisted. What made me a better person was never acting like my parents.
As someone who works with struggling parents and it makes me cringe when I see poor parenting in public I am so glad there are so many good parents in here!
My UO is I am allowing my in laws to stay with us right after baby is born. Only because there is a good chance my parents won't be able to be there as they will taking my brother to college out of state right around my due date. And I'm kind of desperate to have some family come and see her and us.
@ButterMyBiscuit With my dogs I call it the 'I will light you on fire' voice. I've used it a handful of times with my cousin's kids and the look of utter terror when I make eye contact and drop my voice low to calmly tell them (not ask them) to do something is both heartbreaking and gratifying. Hey man, it works (on kids and dogs)!
@elenabrent it's funny. I've been judging attachment parenting for years despite having no clue what it was! Ha!
Despite my best efforts, I can't wrap my head around my friend who has to be there every night in order for her 2 year old to go to sleep. That means in the last ~730 days, she has never been to dinner after 8p or spent the night away. That is lunacy to me.
Maybe its because of my job and the fact that I just don't have this luxury- I have to be away from time to time. But I just can't fathom my child having that much control over my life. I'm the adult and I refuse to let my tyrannical child dictate that I can't go out for a meal when I please.
I understand and that my entire world is going to change when our daughter arrives. But at some point, I have to return to being a somewhat autonomous being who has their own interests and is able to trust that my child can cope without me for bedtime.
As someone who works with struggling parents and it makes me cringe when I see poor parenting in public I am so glad there are so many good parents in here!
My UO is I am allowing my in laws to stay with us right after baby is born. Only because there is a good chance my parents won't be able to be there as they will taking my brother to college out of state right around my due date. And I'm kind of desperate to have some family come and see her and us.
Only you know what's best for you. If your in-laws staying with you will be helpful and make life more peaceful for you, then so be it.
I call my animals my furchildren, and yeah I know they're not human children. It's just easier than listing off 5 names every single time. Also, I enjoyed the look on my mother's face last night when my husband told her he wants to get another puppy when I'm ready too it's the same enjoyment when my husbands friends make comments about our zoo. Look peasants, I live on 3.5 acres and can handle it, wait till I get my chickens and bees. I will politely tell them to get off my theoretical penis.
My UO is that I want my family to be very involved with the birth of my son. I will be having my husband, mom, and sister in the delivery room when I give birth. I expect that my dad, 3 brothers, and in laws will be waiting in the waiting room. We do plan on having an hour of skin to skin/ bonding time with just my husband, the baby, and me, but after that, I'm all about the visitors. I don't know if it's just because I'm already so excited to show him off or if it's based out of fear that I'll be lost without my family. I kind of have a feeling I might be left feeling like, "Yay! We have a baby... Ok. Now what?"
As someone who works with struggling parents and it makes me cringe when I see poor parenting in public I am so glad there are so many good parents in here!
My UO is I am allowing my in laws to stay with us right after baby is born. Only because there is a good chance my parents won't be able to be there as they will taking my brother to college out of state right around my due date. And I'm kind of desperate to have some family come and see her and us.
My MIL came and stayed with us for a week after we brought DS home. I appreciated having someone there who had done the whole newborn thing before - I had no idea how to give a baby a sponge bath, for instance - and it was also nice to have someone watch him while I went and showered or went to the bathroom. She is also sort of an insomniac, so it was nice to have someone who was still awake during the late night hours to talk to/help me stay alert. The part I didn't like was that she decided she was going to stay with us, took vacation off of work and TOLD us she'd be coming to stay. She was not asked. That soured the whole experience, so I don't like to actually admit that I did like having someone there.
@ButterMyBiscuit preach! Yelling does nothing. A calm, serious voice with "if you keep fucking around you will majorly regret it" eyes is VERY effective.
@oneliloaktree13 I am begging my husband for a few hens and some bees too! And maybe a house-pig.
I have a friend that just got bee's this year and I'm using him as my test pilot, so far he's been really successful. I'm turning a hill into a wildflower hill to hopefully help out next year when we get ours. Plus, I think having animals teaches kids responsibility and empathy for things other than people. I think feeding Stella the bun is a great chore for little dude when he gets big enough.
I just chugged my GT drink. I don't remember it tasting that good when I had it four years ago. Maybe they changed the formula? Took me 90 seconds and I got a brain freeze.
Another one is that I think un-schooling is ridiculous, and people who do it, aren't doing their kid any favors.
@oneliloaktree13 I am begging my husband for a few hens and some bees too! And maybe a house-pig.
I have a friend that just got bee's this year and I'm using him as my test pilot, so far he's been really successful. I'm turning a hill into a wildflower hill to hopefully help out next year when we get ours. Plus, I think having animals teaches kids responsibility and empathy for things other than people. I think feeding Stella the bun is a great chore for little dude when he gets big enough.
Eta* I would love a house pig.
We had our first hive last year, and our garden went CRAZY!
@oneliloaktree13 I am begging my husband for a few hens and some bees too! And maybe a house-pig.
I have a friend that just got bee's this year and I'm using him as my test pilot, so far he's been really successful. I'm turning a hill into a wildflower hill to hopefully help out next year when we get ours. Plus, I think having animals teaches kids responsibility and empathy for things other than people. I think feeding Stella the bun is a great chore for little dude when he gets big enough.
Eta* I would love a house pig.
We had our first hive last year, and our garden went CRAZY!
Oh this makes me so happy. I want to expand ours next year, I don't think I'd be able to keep up with it if I went bigger this year.
@oneliloaktree13@Nerdchild I have been plotting for my eventual bees and chickens forever now. I think next year I'm doing it! Also, house pig is one of my dreams. I'd also like a goat.
And I completely agree that having pets around is good for kids. Not only do they get exposed to more at an early age which is good for their immune systems and possibly preventing allergies, it totally teaches responsibility and how to respect animals from a young age.
Well since we're on parenting, my UO is on "helicopter" parents who never let their children BREATHE or do anything on their own, have any type of responsibility, and bombard other stakeholders in the kid's life -- ie, teachers. Your child will never learn to be responsible, advocate for him/herself, and accept consequences if you never let them!!!
@oneliloaktree13@Nerdchild I have been plotting for my eventual bees and chickens forever now. I think next year I'm doing it! Also, house pig is one of my dreams. I'd also like a goat.
And I completely agree that having pets around is good for kids. Not only do they get exposed to more at an early age which is good for their immune systems and possibly preventing allergies, it totally teaches responsibility and how to respect animals from a young age.
Helicopter parenting and/or attachment parenting is more about the parents not seeing their children as separate entities. Sometimes that's fueled by naivety or fear, but oftentimes it's narcissism in my opinion.
Your little one one is a whole person separate from you! Let them see and experience life through their own failures, achievements, and experiences. You do not have to be a part of every one for them to exist!
I had a dream last week I had a house pig who got really sick and we eventually realized she had hepatitis. From sharing needles? That part was unclear.
I don't think kids should get trophies/medals just for being a participant in a sport. When I was a kid, you had to earn that shit. Now, it's like "oh....you participated, so here is a trophy. Everyone wins!" I don't think that the kid that refused to practice all season, refuse to dress for practice/game, never played in the games, and wanted nothing to do with forming a relationship with teammates....should be rewarded the same as the kid that busted his/her ass all season.
I had a dream last week I had a house pig who got really sick and we eventually realized she had hepatitis. From sharing needles? That part was unclear.
@PhoebeJune1984 I agree completely. I also hate when parents/adults say "great job" and "I love it!" as a default response to being shown everything. Let's teach our kids to value internal validation, to feel good about themselves/what they create without needing other people to tell them it's good. Also, sometimes it's NOT good and if we always tell them everything they do/make is amazing they are in for a major let down the first time someone is honest with them. I like to say "what do you think?" or "did you enjoy making it?" or "did you work hard?" when a kid asks me what I think of their work.
My friend's daughter (6yo) showed her something she made a few weeks ago and it was clear that she'd rushed through and been sloppy. My friend said "well, frankly I don't think it's your best." Her daughter's response was "well, I might have rushed a bit." And she moved on. I thought it was BRILLIANT.
my UO is that I don't like diaper cakes. I know they come out with some cute stuff and what not, but I don't like them. My only request for my baby shower was no diaper cakes. Please. The only cakes that should be at a baby shower are the ones you can eat.
This sounds like a terrible idea. I think outside experiences definitely have their place and be incredibly valuable but to rely on that solely sounds bonkers.
my UO is that I don't like diaper cakes. I know they come out with some cute stuff and what not, but I don't like them. My only request for my baby shower was no diaper cakes. Please. The only cakes that should be at a baby shower are the ones you can eat.
And yeah, they're cute but they create a shit ton of work for the parents later. Do you know how long it takes to get rubber bands off of a million fucking newborn diapers?!
@elenabrent Based on your rant I think I may be confused about what attachment parenting is and should possibly stop throwing around that term... Baby-wearing and breast-feeding alone do not make one an attachment parent? I've been using this as a catch-all explanation for why we don't have/want a stroller. Whoops!
@Kellyj103 I agree so much and HATE diaper cakes! Not cute, just a weird stack of diapers that makes me go "Why would anyone want them all wadded up like that?"
UO- I don't censor my social media posts to be considerate of my friends with infertility issues. I was the single friend for years and they didn't censor their content to be sensitive to me even though watching everyone get married and engaged while you struggle to date stings too. Imagine friends with chronic illnesses or struggling through poverty... I think it's cool to just live your life and post about what's happening. If we all had to be sensitive to everyone's different struggles, no one would ever post anything.
@noelietrex eh, the ideas that I think are most problematic are breastfeeding/feeding on demand and nursing/rocking a child to sleep every time. There is also an emphasis on "gentle problem solving" which is usually translated into "never letting my kid cry and always giving them attention/what they 'need'/want/etc when they cry." That creates monsters.
I am absolutely planning on breastfeeding on a schedule with the understanding that sometimes he will go through growth spurts and need to clusterfeed. I don't plan on letting him go hungry or scream until the clock says that it's time to eat, but I also don't plan on solving every little sadness with a boob in his mouth. That is not sustainable.
Baby wearing is also great and something I plan to do. But it's also fine for you to want to some physical independence, to have him in a stroller or away from your body. He should be able to self soothe without depending on your body for all comfort. Comforting your baby/child with the understanding that what you are trying to do is teach them to comfort themselves, not with the idea that you will always be what comforts them. If that makes sense.
@elenabrent did you read babywise? Everything you are saying is in that book. It is pretty controversial apprently and I have had some friends tell me I am crazy for wanting to follow babywise. The main takeaway from it, in my opinion, is that a happy mom makes a happy baby. If you get on a schedule, you will sleep better, have more time for you, and be able to live life, meaning you are happy and healthy and baby will be too. It also stresses having a great relationship with your partner and keeping that relationship the focus rather than both of you focusing 100% on the baby. With a happy relationship, baby will be happier.
I can't wait to see how this works for my family! It encompasses all of my values. And crazy thing... The author is a ped doc at my hospital and he will be my LOs ped! Which is great because I have heard from other docs that they don't agree with babywise.
@arhodes6 I did! It definitely lined up with a lot of what I've seen as a teacher/with my friends and their kids. I also read (thanks to someone here's suggestion) Cherish the First Six Weeks, which was a little less intense than Babywise and had a schedule I felt like I could follow. That's my plan. I'm really nervous though, especially because all of my friends think that sleep training is cruel.
@elenabrent ehhhh I don't think that nursing on demand or rocking/nursing an infant to sleep every night is really even attachment parenting or has any detrimental effects on young babies/newborns. Around the time DS was 6 months+ we were able to switch to more scheduled feedings, and we only offered him water bottles at night so he gave up night feedings very quickly. Seeing as that's about when he started daycare I think we were able to transition from on demand feeding to scheduled feeding very well. And while I did nurse and rock him to sleep for the first several months of his life (because I would have done whatever the heck I could to just get the kid to go to SLEEP), as a 2.5 year old his bedtime routine now consists of teeth brushing and a bedtime story and he sleeps through the night without any problems. I think that attachment parenting becomes more problematic with age.
benten24
member
Re: UO 4/28
Theyre not babies. They're animals and we have our own special kind of all consuming love for them, but it isn't the same as your own child.
I'm not sure if this will be an UO on TB but in my friend group I'd be treated like I'm Cersai fucking Lannister and marched through the streets if I admitted it. I plan on putting this baby on a schedule. I will respond to his needs, soothe, and love him. I will probably baby wear quite a bit. But I want him to learn to put himself to sleep. I want him to understand as he advances into toddlerhood that there are times we eat and times we don't eat and that not all problems are solved by eating (because eventually the boob solution becomes a snack solution which creates unhealthy eating habits). I want him to play independently, to know that I am there and fun and cool to be with but not going to get down on the floor and play dinosaurs every time he asks because that's fucking boring for adults and I'd rather read a book sometimes. I want him to know that he is loved but to know that there are rules in our home and in the world that he needs to follow, period. And that there will be consequences for not following those rules that I cannot and will not shield him from. I want him to fail, and know that I will over him support when he does, but won't fix the problem for him. I feel like I could probably rant forever, but the bottom line is that while I think the basic tenets of meeting a child where they are and helping them through love and kindness are all wonderful as long as the goal is independence. And so often with attachment parents, the independence is never achieved.
DD #2: EDD July 2016
My UO is I am allowing my in laws to stay with us right after baby is born. Only because there is a good chance my parents won't be able to be there as they will taking my brother to college out of state right around my due date. And I'm kind of desperate to have some
family come and see her and us.
Despite my best efforts, I can't wrap my head around my friend who has to be there every night in order for her 2 year old to go to sleep. That means in the last ~730 days, she has never been to dinner after 8p or spent the night away. That is lunacy to me.
Maybe its because of my job and the fact that I just don't have this luxury- I have to be away from time to time. But I just can't fathom my child having that much control over my life. I'm the adult and I refuse to let my tyrannical child dictate that I can't go out for a meal when I please.
I understand and that my entire world is going to change when our daughter arrives. But at some point, I have to return to being a somewhat autonomous being who has their own interests and is able to trust that my child can cope without me for bedtime.
Only you know what's best for you. If your in-laws staying with you will be helpful and make life more peaceful for you, then so be it.
Married: October 23, 2010
DS: 8/7/2013
#2 EDD: 6/29/2016, C Section: 6/22/2016
all about the visitors. I don't know if it's just because I'm already so excited to show him off or if it's based out of fear that I'll be lost without my family. I kind of have a feeling I might be left feeling like, "Yay! We have a baby... Ok. Now what?"
Eta* I would love a house pig.
Another one is that I think un-schooling is ridiculous, and people who do it, aren't doing their kid any favors.
We had our first hive last year, and our garden went CRAZY!
And I completely agree that having pets around is good for kids. Not only do they get exposed to more at an early age which is good for their immune systems and possibly preventing allergies, it totally teaches responsibility and how to respect animals from a young age.
Your little one one is a whole person separate from you! Let them see and experience life through their own failures, achievements, and experiences. You do not have to be a part of every one for them to exist!
My friend's daughter (6yo) showed her something she made a few weeks ago and it was clear that she'd rushed through and been sloppy. My friend said "well, frankly I don't think it's your best." Her daughter's response was "well, I might have rushed a bit." And she moved on. I thought it was BRILLIANT.
July16 JULY siggy challenge
@Kellyj103 I agree so much and HATE diaper cakes! Not cute, just a weird stack of diapers that makes me go "Why would anyone want them all wadded up like that?"
UO- I don't censor my social media posts to be considerate of my friends with infertility issues. I was the single friend for years and they didn't censor their content to be sensitive to me even though watching everyone get married and engaged while you struggle to date stings too. Imagine friends with chronic illnesses or struggling through poverty... I think it's cool to just live your life and post about what's happening. If we all had to be sensitive to everyone's different struggles, no one would ever post anything.
I am absolutely planning on breastfeeding on a schedule with the understanding that sometimes he will go through growth spurts and need to clusterfeed. I don't plan on letting him go hungry or scream until the clock says that it's time to eat, but I also don't plan on solving every little sadness with a boob in his mouth. That is not sustainable.
Baby wearing is also great and something I plan to do. But it's also fine for you to want to some physical independence, to have him in a stroller or away from your body. He should be able to self soothe without depending on your body for all comfort. Comforting your baby/child with the understanding that what you are trying to do is teach them to comfort themselves, not with the idea that you will always be what comforts them. If that makes sense.
I can't wait to see how this works for my family! It encompasses all of my values. And crazy thing... The author is a ped doc at my hospital and he will be my LOs ped! Which is great because I have heard from other docs that they don't agree with babywise.
If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it
I don't mind the terms "push present," preggers," "prego," "birth plan," or "furbaby."
@elenabrent ehhhh I don't think that nursing on demand or rocking/nursing an infant to sleep every night is really even attachment parenting or has any detrimental effects on young babies/newborns. Around the time DS was 6 months+ we were able to switch to more scheduled feedings, and we only offered him water bottles at night so he gave up night feedings very quickly. Seeing as that's about when he started daycare I think we were able to transition from on demand feeding to scheduled feeding very well. And while I did nurse and rock him to sleep for the first several months of his life (because I would have done whatever the heck I could to just get the kid to go to SLEEP), as a 2.5 year old his bedtime routine now consists of teeth brushing and a bedtime story and he sleeps through the night without any problems. I think that attachment parenting becomes more problematic with age.