Feedback maybe? — The Bump
Single Parents

Feedback maybe?

Hey ladies.  I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago.  I'm now 6w1d. The BD is someone I slept with for a few months.  We stopped talking about a few days after I conceived early this month.  I have a 10yo and he has a 9yo. I'm moving back home which is about 2 hours away.  I've had miscarriages in the past and I'm wondering when and how would be the best way to tell him.  We didn't really end things on the greatest terms.  I also don't want to say anything until I'm sure this pregnancy sticks.  At the same time is waiting 12 weeks too long? Any input would be great.  

Re: Feedback maybe?

  • That's a toughie. Do you guys have the same circle of friends?  I mean, if you plan on keeping the baby, but you're worried about a miscarriage, I would wait.  If you miscarry, he doesn't need to know, does he?  
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  • I'm not going to lie, but if I were in your situation and I didn't think our paths would cross, I wouldn't even tell him. Knowing someone for a few months wouldn't be enough for me to trust them to have a role in my child's life. (Yeah, I believe in children's rights more than dads'.) At the very least, I would wait it out until I was verrrry certain about my feelings on the subject. Once you tell him, you can't un-tell.
  • I'd wait until 12 weeks if you actually want him involved. I was only with my now 12 week olds dad for a couple months and got pregnant and he certainly isn't someone who I'd want to be her dad. I told him right away at 6 weeks and he was a complete asshole and told me to have an abortion. When he realized that wasn't happening he told me to die and hoped I miscarried. I didn't hear from him the remainder of my pregnancy and when my daughter was a month old I finally contacted him and he still wanted nothing to do with her. About a week ago I had to file for child support (because I receive state assistance they will force you to go after the dad or you'll lose your benefits). When he got served he blew up my phone telling me he's coming after his parental rights. It sucks. If you're in a good financial situation and can handle it on your own I wouldn't even bother telling the guy. But if you're like me, and receive any type of government assistance than they will likely force you to go after him. 
  • Thanks ladies. The chances of me running in to him are very slim to none since I'm moving back home and we don't have any mutual friends. At this point I can't even guess what his reaction will be. I will tell him just because he does have a right to know, I just didn't want to bring it up if I had a miscarriage. I'd just hate to wait until after my first trimester and then have him get mad for not telling him sooner. 
  • I'd just hate to wait until after my first trimester and then have him get mad for not telling him sooner. 
    He might get mad, but that's ok.  This is your body and if you have to wait to see if the baby makes it out of the 1st trimester to know that you are going to have this baby, then that's what you have to do.  I guess it's nice you're putting his feelings into account, but in the end, this is your body.  If for whatever reason you miscarry, you will have to deal with that and then deal with him about it, too.  And, unfortunately, you may be then subjected to insults such as "you made up this pregnancy" and the like.  Waiting until you and baby are in the clear doesn't seem unreasonable. If he gets mad, let him be mad. 
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  • I am moving on Sunday so I ended up telling him last week incase he would have wanted to go to my appointment with me yesterday(he didn't,  didn't even ask how it went). He was mad that I waited so long to tell him and then he got mad that I'm moving. I did explain to him that it's my responsibility to do what's best for me and my children.  He never really gave me an answer to how much of a role he wanted to play but I have not heard from him in a week...but then again men take longer to adjust. My mom thinks I should continue updating him but I think that since I told him and he knows he can make the initiative to ask. 
  • Well, actually, it looks better on you if you update him periodically.  Just in case, down the road, he changes his mind about things.  If he were to take you to court, not only could you prove that he wasn't reaching out to you, but that you reached out to him and received silence back.  Showing that he has not once put forth any effort.  But, again, everyone's situation is different.  My BD never got updates and he found out via mutual friend in a text message that his (MY) baby was born.  He doesn't have the backbone to fight me (or anyone) for anything, so I have nothing to worry about (at least, not now).
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