SO is losing his sh*t

laurenmdrn16

Anyone else's SO losing it lately? All MH does is stomp around, grumble, and blow up over super weird stuff. Like tonight he called on his way home from work and I said we should go out to dinner right away because my son had an early lunch and I was getting hangry. So he comes in the door (an hour later), throws his sunglasses across the kitchen and bellows "Why aren't you ready to go?" I was in the middle of changing our son's diaper and just called out cheerily "Nice to see you too, honey!" That didn't help and he started stomping around the living room, grumbling about how our son's toys were everywhere. After hearing the tell-tale crunch of his giant feet destroying another one of our son's train tracks, I headed into the living room to see him tossing toys all over. Finally, I said as calmly as I could "Why don't you take Renzo out to eat and I will stay back and clean up a little? I am not feeling really hungry anyways" Well, MH shouted "If you don't want to be with me, just say so!" I again said I wasn't feeling like going out, but our son was super excited about dinner out and I figured they needed some bonding time. He stomped into the kitchen and started aggressively cleaning out the pots I had just cleaned in the dish drainer. Whatever. Then, he turned to our son and sweetly asked what he wanted for dinner. The boys headed out so I cleaned up, vacuumed, moved some furniture, set up the pack-n-play as a changing table in the living room, organized the baby clothes and did a load of laundry. When MH and son got back, the first thing I heard was "Why are all of the god-damn lights on?" Again, I ignored that and asked if they had a nice dinner. My son was happy and chatty so I knew MH wasn't a complete ass and at least they had a good night. Then MH saw the living room and lost his shit entirely, screaming at me about not taking care of myself and moving furniture etc. I ignored him again and just brought my son upstairs to do a tubby and bedtime, but MH stopped me before I could get to the stairs and yanked our son from my arms grumbling about how HE would be doing bedtime. I smiled and said "OK" and kissed my son good-night and have been lying on the couch ever since, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.

So the point of this rant is to ask: are all the SOs going nuts or is mine the only one? I get that this is a stressful time for him, but come on!

vinerie

Rude! You deserve something special for your patience with him!

gamommyx3

Dude. Yikes.
Could the pressure be getting to him? Maybe he's envisioning another birth experience like your son's and it's making him cray cray.

laurenmdrn16

@aquinna82 that's what I thought too, but after his last blow-up (about the internet not working and somehow I "changed" the wi-fi password...to what it has always been) I made a huge point of talking about how healthy Luna and I are and going over our plan for the CS Monday to hopefully ease his mind.

He did catch me throwing up last night and the look on his face did reveal that he was pretty traumatized. But, nut up dude! It's just a little puke. I don't know how to convince him that everything is fine and am at the point where I almost don't even want him in the OR if he is this traumatized and reactive. I hate to even say that, but it is true.

arj14

Aquinna82 said:

Dude. Yikes.
Could the pressure be getting to him? Maybe he's envisioning another birth experience like your son's and it's making him cray cray.

This.

I am in awe of your patience with him.  Even if the pressure is getting to him it is still supremely not cool to take out his frustrations on you.  Are there any better times of day when he's not crazy to talk with him about it?

ETA: Whoops, saw your response!  That's what I get for responding before refreshing the thread.

JennyS86

I am sorry your DH is taking this out on you...whatever "it" is.  Unless something else is going on, say work stress, I agree that he might just be really nervous and not feeling ready for your c-section.  I hope he can at least admit and apologize to you about his behavior. 

I still have 18 days to go before my RCS (but who's counting), and I feel like DH is completely ignoring the fact that we're having another baby. I'm not really sure what I think he should be doing.  He is just really focused on work.  I thought maybe something would click last weekend when we traded in our car for something bigger. 

So how to we best support our SOs?  I was so sick with HG the first 4months, then anxious because of my prior preterm delivery, and finally, I feel like I have something to give back.  I just don't know how.

eta: my DH also gets frustrated when the house is a mess with toys when he gets home. He likes things to be in their place - and I appreciate that side of him.  But dude, toys take like 5 min to clean up. No biggie!

gamommyx3

So I guess I'll say (and this is NOT a defense to his douchebaggery this evening, he clearly owes you a giant apology & also dinner) BUT watching someone have a seizure is traumatic, feeling like you're about to lose the most important person in your life is too. IDK maybe he has a little ptsd that is triggered by watching you puke. I think sometimes we THINK we've dealt with something adequately and don't realize we haven't until we're suddenly being psycho to those around us.

Again, not an excuse. You're the one who physically went thru it all & you're the one who's KU now so he does need to strap on his man panties and be better towards you. Absolutely. 

JennyS86

 I also have to remind myself that when DH apologizes, take it and move on.  I'm not great at this - I want to talk it out again.  He doesn't.  I need to work on accepting the apology and move on.

laurenmdrn16

As always, you ladies are spot on. MH definitely has PTSD and really should have joined me in therapy. I guess I just assumed that because I was ok, he would be too, but while I can feel that everything is going so much better, all he sees is me pregnant again, which didn't go so well last time.

And @jennys86 I really don't know the best way to help these guys out. For me, talking about the baby and how things will be when she is here is super comforting, but I would see MH getting antsy so I have laid off the baby talk a bit. Now, he is like "So, what is going on with the baby? Are you even excited anymore?" Gah! I can't win! I wish he would talk about it with his guy friends, but fat chance of that happening!

Myzticsunshine

My SO has intermittent bits of this. You should definitely let him know it's not fair to you, but not when he's in his mood. Let him calm down, maybe do something thoughtful for him, and when you get the chance just be like, " Listen, I love you. Even when your being a jerk. Just remember that it's easier for me to understand when you let me know what's going on with you. Believe me, I'd love to understand, if you'd let me". Or some other stuff like that. Dudes are more emotional than they let one, and apparently they do care about whether or not we address and help them with their issues. In fact, most of them go kind of crazy without guidance. 

No no guarentee that these rough spots will pass quickly or easily, but that's what relationships are about right? Sticking together through all of the crappy stuff? (Within reason of course) 

valerie4786

@laurenmdrn16 I'm so sorry your husband is acting like this towards you and I bow down to you at your patience with him because I would have lost my shit.  I agree trying to talk to him about how his behaviors towards you lately are incredibly unfair (when he's not in a mood) could be beneficial, and to try to get an understanding of why he is acting the way he is towards you.  While I have never witnessed someone I love having a seizure or going through something traumatic like that, I agree with PP's that maybe it could be PTSD from your previous pregnancy/birth flaring up for him and his nerves that something bad may happen are getting to him.

My husband and I went through a rough couple weeks where we really just weren't communicating well which caused the problems to get bigger, or at least me to become more sensitive to them because he wasn't making any effort to resolve them like I was.  It took several talks to communicate what was going on between us and to finally get a mutual understanding - I was being incredibly hard on him and my expectations were ridiculous, and he was feeling enormous pressure to provide for his growing family and was super stressed out.  I had no clue because he's got such an even temperment, so understanding why he had been the way he was being was super helpful for me.  I feel like he has really taken a 180 since our last conversation about a month ago and has been super supportive & thoughtful towards me and this pregnancy lately.  

Good luck & hope that he starts to come around.  You absolutely deserve an apology and a nice dinner!

kbrands7

My DH has moments like this when his depression or anxiety start to creep up-- he can be negative and highly critical. I think of it as a way to try to get some control somewhere. Usually, I'll suggest something that needs to be done that he can do-- even better if it's something that we can get done together and he can take the lead. It makes him productive rather than destructive and gets him in a better place emotionally so that we can talk about his previous behavior and whatever is bothering him. I think you handled it with a lot of grace, but definitely follow up with him. He's likely feeling very overwhelmed at the thought of your upcoming csection. 

JessicaB0627

valerie4786 said:

@laurenmdrn16

My husband and I went through a rough couple weeks where we really  just weren't communicating well which caused the problems to get bigger, or at least me to become more sensitive to them because he wasn't making any effort to resolve them like I was.  It took several talks to communicate what was going on between us and to finally get a mutual understanding - I was being incredibly hard on him and my expectations were ridiculous, and he was feeling enormous pressure to provide for his growing family and was super stressed out.  I had no clue because he's got such an even temperment, so understanding why he had been the way he was being was super helpful for me.  I feel like he has really taken a 180 since our last conversation about a month ago and has been super supportive & thoughtful towards me and this pregnancy lately.  

This is DH right now too. He feels a lot of pressure right now to get everything done and be prepared for the baby and it's coming out the wrong way. He's been really irritable lately and wanting to do things like play his video games instead of spend more time with us like I want him to. That's his way of coping, but it drives me crazy! When he gets like that I just have to leave him alone until he decides to come around and drop the attitude. 

Sorry I don't have any good advice, but just know that you're not necessarily alone! 

bkjade

Oof. Poor thing. As PP stated, bravo to you for your patience. No way would I put up with that from DH.

My DH has been a saint lately, but he goes through a tough time around the holidays every year since his younger sister passed away at Thanksgiving a few years ago. During his rough patches I try and remind him to make time for himself, whether it be at the gym or with a therapist, give him space when he needs it, and support him in any way possible (making his favorite food, watching shows together he likes even though I *really* don't want to watch Star Trek Next Generation AGAIN, giving him lots of BJs). That being said, I would never let him do any of the things your DH did without having a LONG talk about how it isn't ok to act out in that manner. We all get stressed but taking it out on the people you love is not the solution and not ok in my book under any circumstances--much less while we are SUPER pregnant! 

mello13

My DH was bizarre tonight too! His issue boiled down to wanting to make firm plans for having a friend over on a weekly basis, and my telling him that NEITHER of us can commit to anything, and that we would be doing LESS, not more for a while because of a newborn. So began an argument (and I am not blessed with the grace and patience you have!), him pouting about not having time to do his own thing, and my telling him to suck it up because that's going to be the norm for at least the first several weeks. 

Basically, I think he's scared and feeling overwhelmed, etc. I nearly died when we had DS, and now DS is a very active toddler who needs/wants time and attention. I think DH is just panicking about "double" everything, and weight of it all. 

None of that makes me more tolerant of his bad moods though! I told him that what I need now is his love and support, not an attitude of a child who didn't get his way. And like you said about not wanting your DH in the OR if this is how he's going to act, I told mine that he was making me feel that way as well. Men!

Charissadeats

Hugs lady!! 

You are so graceful with your patience. 

Maybe a date night where he can spend an evening with his favourite girl might help relax him?? 

Ps. I am so looking forward to seeing Luna's pics on Monday/Tuesday!! Good luck with everything x 

erikalee1876

You are soooo not alone...my SO has lost it lately! He was soo wonderful when we first found out and then we made the decision together to move accross the country back to our family so we werent all alone raising our first born..now that we have moved ive been outta work and hes major stressing which i understand but freaks out over the smallest of things! I get that theres a lot to worry about and im worried as well not only about everything in life but being a first time mother and more...here i thought i was the only feeling like my other half has lost it!!! 

laurenmdrn16

Thanks all! This was one of those times I wanted to know I wasn't alone, but also hoped you all were having a much better time with your SOs. Great advice all around about trying to talk to him when he isn't stressed and moody and also maybe planning a date night in the next few days. 

There are so many transitions like PPs have talked about, especially with an active toddler at home. I too am feeling the pressure, but maybe since I am not working I can just handle it better. But, I know myself and I have a history of panic attacks which he does NOT handle well so I am trying soooooo hard to be extra calm and funnel that anxious energy into productive activities, like nesting. I guess I should flat out tell him that, but I am afraid of telling him anything less than perfect since he is already so freaked out.

AdorkablePixie

@laurenmdrn16 Oh my gosh. Maybe he just had a really bad day at work? Or maybe he's just worried about the impending c-section and what all is going to happen? You are amazing with your patience. I never would have handled a situation that well.

I haven't really had an issue like that with my husband so I'm not sure how I would have handled it, but it wouldn't have been so graceful! If anything I feel like I am the one who gets moody and acts like a jerk for no reason. lol

laurenmdrn16

Update: he just apologized to the ceiling fan while I was huffing and puffing getting our son on the potty, dressed, and reassuring him we would have waffles with bananas after he asked for the 400000th time. Yup, it was "Um, about last night. Yeah, sorry" and then he trudged downstairs mumbling about the trash can being full in the bathroom...without emptying the trash, mind you (of course, I said nothing and have made a mental note to check all the garbage bins in the house to make sure they are emptied by the end of the day). All this saint-like patience is really wearing thin, ladies!

Aaaaaannddd, just heard the front door slam as he made his graceful exit. Ugh.

missnc77

You have more patience than I do. If my husband complained about the trash being full, I'd tell him the easiest solution is for him to take it out. I wouldn't touch it. 

LadySamLady

Ugh, he is really trying all of our patience now. My H is not a confrontational guy and tends to hold in his feelings so I really have to pay attention and listen when he actually expresses himself. I'm the asshole in the relationship, when he's mad it usually means I messed up and so I listen. That said, I can tell the stress of the baby coming and recent news that his father has cancer is getting to him lately and his fuse is shorter than ever. My strategy so far is much like yours, rather than take the bait and fight I kill him with kindness. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working with your H. Any chance you can get a sitter for Renzo and spend some qt with your H this weekend before Luna arrives? 

TheThornBird

Ha, he sounds just like MH! I know MH is super stressed out right now, and when he's stressed he gets really snarky and critical. He worries about the added costs and responsibilities of a baby, plus freaks out over the idea that something may happen to me; so like PP said, he's probably having some kind of PTSD. 

Have you tried talking to him about what's wrong? I usually have good luck just saying "hey sweetie, I noticed you seemed stressed out lately, what's going on?". Being kind and understanding helps, which can be *so hard* to do- usually I just want to yell right back at him

kp90

Coming from someone who has dealt with an SO with anger and outbursts... I really give you props for staying that calm and not crying or getting angry in return. With that being said, you handled it the best possible way you could. I have learned that if I let my SO go when he is in a bad mood and I keep quiet myself and don't cry then it passes a whole lot faster and he snaps out of it. I still know how upsetting and frustrating it can be on your half. I hope you two are able to work through it... like PP's have said, maybe just the stress of everything and him worrying about you it just comes out in all the wrong ways. Give it time. I hope things get better and he snaps out of it and is able to be supportive.

KidShrink

Wow, you really do have the patience of a saint! My husband recently got a new position at work and has been quite stressed by his new role and trying to feel like he's in control before he takes two weeks off when baby is born. And the way it works when he's stressed at work is that I'm usually the one who gets the attitude at home (while at work he continues to be his happy go lucky self). I made it very clear to him that under no circumstances would I accept that he give me that kind of an attitude for no reason in front of our kids and that he's better start practicing checking the attitude at the door right now. I think part of what fueled that was his impression that I was on mat leave and had 'nothing to do' and therefore he should have come home to a clean house and I should have figured out dinner. So I walked him through what my day looked like (finishing up a bunch of stuff related to my practice, taking care of taxes stuff, running errands, etc.). He's been much better since...just like a little kid, it's like he needed to test the limits of what I would accept. I didn't take his shit and made it very clear I never would, and for now, problem solved. 

I so think a date night with your hubby might help just so he can let out whatever his worries are...but yes, it definitely look like a bit of a PTSD case. I'd ask him to list what has been similar in this pregnancy that would lead him to think things will end the same way, and then list what's been different and could point to a different outcome. He's probably so stressed out right now that he's not able to do that kind of rational thinking without a bit of help. 

Best of luck to you on Monday! 

mcb2016

I'm not even sure what to say except I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hopefully today is a better day. 

LemmyRN

laurenmdrn16 said:

Update: he just apologized to the ceiling fan while I was huffing and puffing getting our son on the potty, dressed, and reassuring him we would have waffles with bananas after he asked for the 400000th time. Yup, it was "Um, about last night. Yeah, sorry" and then he trudged downstairs mumbling about the trash can being full in the bathroom...without emptying the trash, mind you (of course, I said nothing and have made a mental note to check all the garbage bins in the house to make sure they are emptied by the end of the day). All this saint-like patience is really wearing thin, ladies!

Aaaaaannddd, just heard the front door slam as he made his graceful exit. Ugh.

I wouldn't let him off the hook that easy, since that insincere apology was followed by more crappy attitude. 

I agree with PP about talking to him about his behavior. However, the second he starts using you as a verbal punching bag, being an ass and trying to JUSTIFY (hell no) or defend his behavior, I would say "that's it, I'm setting up counseling with the church."  

He knows how bad he's been, and I'm sure he would be very embarrassed if people could see the way he has been treating you. I am betting the possibility of a sound-minded and respected 3rd party helping with his hostility will make him more willing to be civilized, hear you out and handle it one-on-one instead of being a flippant jerk. 

proudparent2b

DH has been struggling too recently. However, the cause of his was being unemployed and running out of unemployment so close to LO's arrival while we still need things for LO, experienced car issues, etc. Thankfully he just got a job offer yesterday and anticipates another one coming in today, so he may even get to choose!

DH doesn't react quite the same way yours does - just acts huffy - but I honestly call him out on it pretty fast. I find that when he gets in that mood, he doesn't always realize it or honestly won't deal with it unless it's brought to his attention.

NB817

laurenmdrn16 said:

Update: he just apologized to the ceiling fan while I was huffing and puffing getting our son on the potty, dressed, and reassuring him we would have waffles with bananas after he asked for the 400000th time. Yup, it was "Um, about last night. Yeah, sorry" and then he trudged downstairs mumbling about the trash can being full in the bathroom...without emptying the trash, mind you (of course, I said nothing and have made a mental note to check all the garbage bins in the house to make sure they are emptied by the end of the day). All this saint-like patience is really wearing thin, ladies!

Aaaaaannddd, just heard the front door slam as he made his graceful exit. Ugh.

Can you send him a text this morning just saying "hey what's going on with you? I'm worried about you because you're really not acting like yourself." And leave it open for him to say if he's worried or stressed about the birth or maybe it's something at work or whatever it may be??? 
IMHO you're the one who should be losing your shit at this point.  

vinerie

This may be an UO, but if this is an ongoing thing, simply "responding with kindness" I don't think is the best response. If this is a continual issue, he needs to check himself. You should not accept that from him. From what you write on here, you do a TON for your family. You deserve to be cherished. He should take out the trash instead of complaining about it. And he should have brought home flowers or some other nice gesture instead of apologizing to the ceiling fan. I get that guys aren't socialized to be "emotional" but that is no excuse in my book. 

That being said, if this is out of character, okay, I get just kind of accepting it and thinking that maybe he is lashing out because of other issues and perhaps some PTSD from your last birth experience. 

But imho, if this continues, I would not tolerate it. Demand the respect you deserve, girl. 

AdorkablePixie

I agree with everyone about the date night and maybe asking him what's wrong. My DH is VERY bad about talking about things like that in person. If I don't bring it up, he doesn't say anything at all. He talks best through text when something is bothering him (which doesn't happen often), which is weird, but if it's what he is most comfortable with it's okay with me.

I think your DH would definitely act better after a talk, so he can get out what exactly is bothering him. It's not fair to you for him to keep acting this way because he is stressed/worried.

Chappy_jr

That sounds just like my DH a few months after our first was born.  It was weird because he was always a very patient guy and then boom, he quit his job and became useless, angry, and drank too much until he ran out of his personal money (we agreed years ago that any "vices" like alcohol, Starbucks, etc. are paid from personal not joint accounts) and started looking for work.

Eventually the new job, LO sleeping better at night, and excercise helped him get back to normal.  

I'd chalk it up to stress but don't let the weekend go without finding a time to discuss it and don't be afraid to do so in a "not nice way" since the tip-toeing doesn't work but still be reassuring that you're worried because it is out of character.