Shower advice

Infantino22

Hi guys,

My neighbor is the hostess for my local baby shower on May 7. It's being held at our neighborhood lanai, which is free to reserve, but requires someone to unlock it, clean up afterwards, put trash out, etc. She planned to make some appetizers, desserts, etc. because it's being held from 3-5 p.m.

Today, she called me crying and told me that she and her husband are divorcing, putting the house up for sale, and she's going to stay with family in South Carolina -- and all of this is happening immediately. They decided all of the particulars yesterday. 

She can't host the shower anymore, which is obviously the least important part of this whole thing. I'm heartbroken for their whole family and we will miss both of them terribly.

But now I need to figure out what to do... Do I cancel the shower altogether? I hate to do that. I don't want to ask anyone else to host it, because that's a huge imposition. 

What I'm leaning toward:
-- ask another neighbor/friend to do the opening/closing of the lanai
-- send an email explaining that the hostess has a family situation and can't host; ask people to bring a snack or beverage - we can turn it into a potluck of sorts 
-- stress that we don't need to do any decorations or games - just a laid back, hang out, grab some food and say hello kind of thing

What do you think? What am I missing in the plan above? Or, do you think I should cancel it instead? I feel like canceling it would result in each smaller group of friends feeling like they should get together with me another time, and then I'm creating more complexity for everyone. 

More than anything, I feel terribly for both my neighbor and her husband - they are awesome people. Keep them in your prayers if you do that kind of thing... 

redheadbride15

Oh gosh that's so sad! I'm so sorry for your neighbor. Do you have a close friend who you could just confide in to tell the story and hope she will pick up the hosting? I'm sure someone would step up to the plate in this situation! I think your idea of simplifying it is a good idea. 

(Note: I'm terrible at shower etiquette because I've actually never been to one and won't be having one myself, but this is just my gut reaction).

BernieRae

Wow. This is tough. I don't think you should cancel. It's less than 3 weeks away. How many people were invited? I would connect with 2-3 of the guests who you feel closest to and just share with them this dilemma and see what they think. Hopefully 1 or more will step up and be more than willing to help out. I would step up if I were a guest and knew the mom to be was considering canceling all together. Sounds like most of you live in the same complex which makes it easier. 

lickastick

I agree! Don't cancel and hopefully someone can step up to help. I know the etiquette mavens would flame me for this but if worse came to worse I would just do the food myself if the invites were out already. Pot luck sounds perfect and you can fill in gaps if needed!

Infantino22

There are 15 people coming - so it's not a crazy number, thankfully. We just bought our house here a year and a half ago, so while I'm friends with several neighbors, I wouldn't call them my closest friends quite yet. I do have some other closer friends coming who don't live in our 'hood, but since it's being held at our clubhouse, it might be easier for one of the neighborhood ladies to do the venue related stuff. I think I'll tell a couple the story tomorrow and ask for advice, see what kind of vibe I get. I hate to make anyone feel pressured to step up, but I also hate to cancel. Tough spot! Great advice so far - thank you! 

lillebowski23

I agree with PPs: don't cancel and see if you can get a friend to help you. Potluck is definitely the way to go and splitting up the responsibilities of set up and clean up means that no one person is being singled out. So sorry to hear about your neighbor!

MollySm

I agree with everyone else.  I'd see what people wanted to help with, and pick up the slack myself.  I'm so sorry for your neighbor.  

alitria

I think that an explanation that begins with "Due to an unfortunate family emergency..." buys you a little leeway in the etiquette department unless your friends are way more uptight than mine are about that sort of thing.  I'd probably just send a message to those invited saying that your hostess is no longer able to continue, but on such short notice you'd love to still see everyone and spend time with them even though it would be a bit more casual than originally planned.  See if either you, or your close friends, can provide a few light snacks, make it an open house and tell people they're welcome to bring snacks or drinks to share but their company is more than enough.  My personal opinion is that anyone who has a real problem with that is providing some not-so-nice insight into their personality.