Advice on telling family members?

ACAC25

DH and I have decided it's time to tell our families (parents and siblings only) that we are ttc and the difficulties we are having especually because of our recent fertility clinic apt. This is first off for support....it is a bumpy road and we need more people to lean on. And also because DH family has had some issues with conceiving before and we need more information.  

I'm supposed to tell my parents by myself Tuesday.  I'm scared because its hard to tell them and I'm pretty confident they, and no one on their side, has had fertility issues. Im 26, my parents are young (in their 40's) and my Dad isn't ready for grandkids (and probably doesn't think it's the best time for us). I know they'll be supportive but I don't know how to tell them or really what to say. I'm worried I'm going to break down. I'm stressing and terrified. Any advice or similar stories would be appreciated.

erin1215

Hi! You commented on my post so I thought I would comment on this one! I am also 26 and have been married for almost 2.5 years now. We are going through similar things too. My husband and I decided 12 months ago that we would start trying but didn't tell
anyone. Month after month of disappointment and it was so hard. My husband has been so supportive and would sit and listen to me talk and cry about the entire situation. After both of my sister in laws announced they were pregnant along with multiple friends I finally decided it was time to tell my sister. It was the best decision ever. It was so nice to be able to have someone else to talk to about it and get advice and support. I haven't yet told our parents because I'm still holding onto hope that we can get this all
figured out and get pregnant on our own but until my doc says otherwise I'm keeping it a secret from them. Maybe if you don't want to tell your entire family just start with one person. Good luck! 

ReesaAnne16

The only family members we have told, is my sister-in-laws and my youngest sister. It has been good to have their support, but none of them really understand. The SIL's got KU easily and my sister isn't planning on kids for a long while.

As we starting to look into more invasive treatments, I think it's time to tell my mom. 

@ACAC25 maybe it would be easier to tell one of your parents one-on-one? I'm planning on telling my mom when we go to visit in a month and I'll let her tell my dad at some point. I really don't want to have this discussion with my dad, I think it would make him feel very uncomfortable. DH won't be part of the initial conversation, especially because part of our problem is MFI, I don't him to have to explain that part. 

It's ok if you break down and cry or whatever you need to do, your family will understand, and it is better that they see how stressful this has been, so that they can support you better. Be prepared for the "just relax it will happen" advice; even though it's unfair, most people don't know how to respond to infertility, so you may need to extend some grace as they process this as well. 

Good luck, I will be doing the same thing shortly, and following this thread for any more advice.

jojomama25

From my own experience, we've decided to only tell our parents once we have a firm diagnosis.

I come from one of those families that's been bugging me from day of our wedding about kids - that was 6 years ago.  We wanted to wait and get settled a bit since DH was unemployed when we were first married and I was at a horrible workplace.  Now that we've been trying, and it hasn't happened, for my family, having them just know we are trying and having trouble would bring up more questions, more frequently than I'm willing to answer - especially since my mom is a bit of a blabbermouth no matter what I tell her.

For us, once we have a DX & treatment plan, if any, at least questions can be more directed by our appointment & testing schedule, and I feel having extra support at that point will be  nice.  Well probably just sit down with both sets of parents individually and just come out with it, as hard as it will be, or awkward, but its also not an easy thing to deal with.

ACAC25

Thank you everyone for your support and responses! I appreciate all of your stories and advice, I'm particularly stressed about this. 
@erin1215  I know how you feel, I keep breaking down to DH. It's hard and he really doesn't fully get it (he wants a baby but also doesn't mind waiting a bit). I'm so glad things went well with your sister! I feel that way about my mum, we are really close and it's really hard that she doesn't know. We talk about everything.  I look forward to having her to lean on. 
@ReesaAnne16 I know what you mean about Dads. It's such an awkward conversation. I'm not worried about telling my  mum but I'm worried about my dad's reaction and I worried about basically telling him Ive been having a lot of sex lol so awkward!!
@jojomama25 I'm fairly sure my family as well as our friends are wondering why we aren't pregnant yet. I love kids and can't wait to have them and they all know it. Luckily we haven't had many questions about it. 

wifeinraleigh28

My best piece of advice for you when sharing this info to anyone, is to let them know that you aren't looking for advice, only support.  People can be quick to put in their 2 cents and if they haven't dealt with infertility themselves they won't have good advice for you anyway.  I would also ask them if they want you to keep them updated on doctor's visits and the latest with what is going on.  My mom constantly tells me to keep her in the loop, so I do my best to do so.  Good luck, hun, and I hope you get the support you need!

jojomama25

@ACAC25 I understand feeling so stressed!  It's not easy, especially when no one else in your family has dealt with it or they don't understand your situation.  

I wish I had more advice - I second what @wifeinraleigh28 said though, that seems like great advice.

Try to hang in there, I hope your journey with this is short.

BrightenMySky

It is tough.  We told my parents and siblings (and it was slightly more complicated with my ILs) after our first meeting with the RE.  I basically said that we were wanting to start a family, but that we had recently met with a specialist, and let them put the pieces together.  

I think there's been some great advice thrown out already.  Unfortunately you should be prepared for the "just relax" comments (my mom also suggested we keep our house warmer), which suck.  You don't owe explanations to anyone, so if you are not comfortable getting into all the details of treatments, you do not need to do so.  My mom asked a lot of detailed questions about the medicated IUI cycles I have been doing, and so far I have answered them.  But all we need to do is take care of ourselves; it is not our responsibility to educate family, friends, etc. about IF and treatment options.  Don't be afraid to take care of yourself however you need to.

ACAC25

Thank you for all of the advice ladies. The discussion with our parents has been pushed out a week due to scheduling conflicts. I will keep you posted as to what happens. In the mean timr i will take all the advice or stories you have.