Need some advice!

mimi_8607

I had a church event to go to on Friday and so FIL watch Ds while MIL and I went. He only had him for about 3 hours. They were going to the store and to eat DS favorite Chinese place. DS is 3 1/2. When DH got off work he went to pick him up. Well FIL said that when they were getting in the car from eating Chinese DS showed him that he had taken some utensils off the table and had them in his pocket. So FIL told him we don't take things and made him return the utensils and explain to him that it's was stealing. All fine by me and I thought was handled perfectly. Well he tells DH all about it but tells him not to tell me. I'm having a hard time understanding why he didn't want me to know. I asked DH if he asked why and he said he didn't he was worried about what DS had done. It's eating me alive. I don't understand why he didn't want me to know. How would you handle this? Would you ask? Or am I just being sensitive about it? Would you take offense to this? I feel constantly judge by MIL and FIL all the time on how I parent and as a wife. I've tried to pull back some but it's not really helping the situation. I don't want to feel like I'm being to sensitive about it. TIA!

huskypuppy14

mimi_8607 said:

I had a church event to go to on Friday and so FIL watch Ds while MIL and I went. He only had him for about 3 hours. They were going to the store and to eat DS favorite Chinese place. DS is 3 1/2. When DH got off work he went to pick him up. Well FIL said that when they were getting in the car from eating Chinese DS showed him that he had taken some utensils off the table and had them in his pocket. So FIL told him we don't take things and made him return the utensils and explain to him that it's was stealing. All fine by me and I thought was handled perfectly. Well he tells DH all about it but tells him not to tell me. I'm having a hard time understanding why he didn't want me to know. I asked DH if he asked why and he said he didn't he was worried about what DS had done. It's eating me alive. I don't understand why he didn't want me to know. How would you handle this? Would you ask? Or am I just being sensitive about it? Would you take offense to this? I feel constantly judge by MIL and FIL all the time on how I parent and as a wife. I've tried to pull back some but it's not really helping the situation. I don't want to feel like I'm being to sensitive about it. TIA!

It's your husband's parents. He should inform them that you are a team, and he (DH) doesn't keep things from you. You're the mother and have the right to know these things. Don't worry about what they think about you, it's not their son. If they have problems with you, that's their problem not yours.

cjackrunfast78

I agree with what others have said. Also it could be that FIL did not want to stress you? Sometimes people can be well meaning but it does not change the fact that you needed to know.

Shanna2016

Oh I agree, it's possible that FIL was worried it would stress you out! He may be thinking "oh shit she's going to think I'm bad at watching him".....you need to know for sure but he could have been panicked...OR he's just an idiot lol 

bearsandbeets7

*Lurker from August*
I normally don't post in other BMBs but I feel like this particular thing should be nipped in the bud. While I understand that he may just not want to stress you out or worry you about him caring for your DS it is also YOUR son. IMO you should know everything that goes on and you also don't want them to think that it's okay to do this in the future as well. I have very secretive in laws so this is my biggest concern as my DD gets older. I have a complicated relationship with my in laws so take my advice with a grain of salt. Lol

Rosehip15

I'm going to go out on a limb here & disagree with previous posters.  

Maybe I've gotten more relaxed over the years, but I honestly wouldn't worry.  

Lesson was learned, it was handled appropriately, and it's over.  My kids are 9 & 11, and I really don't need to know every single thing that goes on.  And as kids get older, you'll see that you simply don't.  Other responsible adults - relatives, teachers, other moms - will handle situations and only report back to you if there's a serious or ongoing problem.  And thank God for that.  

Plus, honestly, the lesson is most effective for the child in the moment.  There's no sense in rehashing it, particularly with a child that young, hours or days later.  

They didn't want to worry you, they didn't want you to question them - ie, you thinking they were not supervising him adequately, they felt it was over & done with, etc.  Who knows.  

My mom might not mention something like this to me (unless it was to have a good laugh over), and we have a great relationship, and she's very involved with my kids.  This is not a hill to die on.  

mimi_8607

Thank you for all the responses!  @Rosehip15I was just upset on the fact he told DH not to tell me. I feel like is wrong to tell my husband to basically keep a secret from me. I try to pick my battles with them.

Rosehip15

mimi_8607 said:

Thank you for all the responses!  @Rosehip15I was just upset on the fact he told DH not to tell me. I feel like is wrong to tell my husband to basically keep a secret from me. I try to pick my battles with them.

I hear you - but I think "don't tell" CAN (not saying it necessarily was, I have no clue) be done in a very benign and/or altruistic spirit.  Certainly in my extended family - and we're very open and not deceitful - this is true.  

For example - my mother and husband are worry warts, but absolutely nothing phases my Dad.  Sometimes I'll just vent to my Dad about something - to have an outlet - but ask him not to tell them.  Not because it's a secret, or I don't actually want them to know whatever we're discussing, but I don't want them to stress out, which in turn stresses me out.  Of course, this applies to life's (relatively) little annoyances or issues, about which there's not much to be done.

RMLandy

I wouldn't worry too much. Your husband obviously told you. He knows you're a team and that's all that matters. I wouldn't say anything to the in-laws. I would thank my husband for being honest and not flip out so that next time, he will be honest with me again. In-law drama is almost never worth it.

lm45678

RMLandy said:

I wouldn't worry too much. Your husband obviously told you. He knows you're a team and that's all that matters. I wouldn't say anything to the in-laws. I would thank my husband for being honest and not flip out so that next time, he will be honest with me again. In-law drama is almost never worth it.

Totally agree- especially because it was handled well. They probably just didn't want to upset you. Your husband knows you're a team and told you and in the end that's all the really matters.

mimi_8607

Thanks ladies! It helps put my mind at ease. I was definitely stuck in my head about it. I hate when my mind wonders.

huskypuppy14

Rosehip15 said:

mimi_8607 said:

Thank you for all the responses!  @Rosehip15I was just upset on the fact he told DH not to tell me. I feel like is wrong to tell my husband to basically keep a secret from me. I try to pick my battles with them.

I hear you - but I think "don't tell" CAN (not saying it necessarily was, I have no clue) be done in a very benign and/or altruistic spirit.  Certainly in my extended family - and we're very open and not deceitful - this is true.  

For example - my mother and husband are worry warts, but absolutely nothing phases my Dad.  Sometimes I'll just vent to my Dad about something - to have an outlet - but ask him not to tell them.  Not because it's a secret, or I don't actually want them to know whatever we're discussing, but I don't want them to stress out, which in turn stresses me out.  Of course, this applies to life's (relatively) little annoyances or issues, about which there's not much to be done.

This is a different situation though. You're telling your dad something private about you that you don't want shared with others, in that instance he should keep your confidence. And you're an adult not a child. If FIL told his son something in confidence, then H shouldn't tell the OP. That would be the same thing.

I agree that not everything needs to be told to the parents all the time, and the FIL handled it well. But then he shouldn't have mentioned it to OP's husband either. Frankly, it's not appropriate for FIL to tell his son to not tell his wife something about their child. 

adiaz132003

Maybe he was feeling insecure that it happened on his watch and didn't want you to be upset.  My dad's dad baby sat me once and I got into my mom's lipstick which he thought was blood and freaked out but once all was done and he figured out what happened, cleaned me up and wanted it to be kept quiet.  Reasoning was that he had made a mistake and didn't want it to hurt his relationship with my mom where she may not let him babysit again.  Not that he thought my mom was a monster, more like he really wanted to show her he could manage it and was ashamed a mistake was made.  I really don't think it's anything to do with you at all and its more his own "aw man I can't believe a let this happen"