Trouble coming to terms — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Trouble coming to terms

I've always considered myself a pretty realistic person... But when it has come to this inevitable miscarriage, I am in complete denial. Perhaps it's because my miscarriage story is a little different from what I've been reading... My pregnancy came as a most delightful surprise. I had an IUD removed a month prior and was concerned when my periods were not returning. Eventually I took a pregnancy test and was ecstatic at the results. However it made timing the pregnancy pretty difficult - since I didn't have a LMP, the only way to know how far along was through an ultrasound. During the US, they quickly identified the sak which already had a fetus measuring 6.5 weeks. The best part was that my baby already had a heartbeat that we could see - a tiny little flicker that reassured me that everything was going to be ok and my baby was developing nicely!! 

Fast forward 3 weeks and I'm then 9 weeks pregnant. Suddenly I notice brown spotting. I know that spotting is not normal but pretty common, so I try not to panic... After research, I decide if it has not gone away after 2 full days, I will go in. However, I wake up the next morning to blood. The blood is not a lot, but naturally concerning regardless. I go in and they do another US. This time they see the sak, but the baby has mysteriously disappeared. They take me back to the office to discuss miscarriage. 

They immediately talked to me about D&C. They told me the baby never formed. When I explained that I saw the baby before the doctor just said he didn't have a clear copy of the scans but that it might have been a mistake. How can one doctor show me my baby (with a heartbeat) and then 3 weeks later the baby is gone and another doctor is telling me the baby never formed at all? I cannot come to terms with any of this. I feel destroyed and I cannot grieve right now when I feel I don't know the whole story.

Did anyone else see their baby with a heartbeat before their miscarriage? Was anyone able to explain to you exactly what happened? I'm having trouble coping because my understanding is lacking and I could really use help. 

Re: Trouble coming to terms

  • I'm so sorry you're going through all this. These situations can be confusing, stressful, and very overwhelming. Although I have never experienced anything like that I'm sure one of the women on here can point you in the right direction or has been through a situation similar to yours. All I can say is that the short time I've been on here I've found it very comforting to know that so many people are willing to reach our to support one another. If you ever want to talk or vent I and I'm sure many others are here for you through all of this @DaniBanani16
    JustAnotherUsername16
  • @DaniBanani16 I am so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. I did see my baby's heartbeat and I too felt extremely relieved. The nurse even mentioned to me that at that point the chances of miscarriage were less than 10%  Sometimes I wish she never told me that.  At 10w2d I found out at my dr's appt my baby's heartbeat had stopped and the baby stopped growing around 8 1/2 weeks. It is totally understandable that you want the whole story and based on the what you said, the dr did a poor job of explaining it.  Do you have a regular dr that you see that you can discuss with or get an appt with so you can get a clear picture of what happened? Again I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you are able to get the information that you need soon. 
     ****TW: Pregnancy, loss and children mentioned****
    Me (39) DH (40) 
    From my first marriage DD: 03/04 CP:01/06 DS:12/06 
    DH- no kids
    ******************
    TTC: since 2/15, RE Consult 9/15
    IUI #1 10/15: Letrozole = BFN 
    IUI #2 11/15: Letrozole + trigger = BFN
    1/08/16: Surprise- BFP!!  2/16/16: MMC @10w 2days,  D&C: 2/17/16
    TTCAL: May 2016
    IUI #3 5/27/16: Letrozole+trigger=BFN
    IUI #4 06/24/16: 7.5mg Letrozole+trigger= BFN
    IUI#5 08/24/16 Menopur+trigger = BFN
    IUI #6 09/19/16 5 mg Letrozole +Menopur + Trigger= BFN
    **10/2016: No more medicated cycles, TTCAL on our own**
    12/03/16: BFP!! EDD: 08/12/17 It's a girl!! 
    Eleni was born on 8/14/17!!
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  • Thank you both so much for your quick and kind responses. I'm losing faith in my doctors office... I always see a different doctor every time I go in and it doesn't seem like they communicate well with each other at all. Part of what I don't understand, is how the baby just disappeared... How can there be a baby and suddenly 3 weeks later they can't find anything at all? I'm smart enough to know that part of this is my denial and refusal to accept the inevitable, but God this is so much harder than I imagined it would be... 
  • I am so sorry for your loss and hope this board helps you find the support you need. I too had spotting around 7 weeks, so I went in for an early ultrasound and we saw the heartbeat and everything was measuring fine. Around 12 weeks I had some light bleeding so I went in again and unfortunately there was no longer a heartbeat and it stopped growing around 8 weeks. Unlike you they were able to find the baby even though it had no heartbeat. Were they doing an abdominal ultrasound? I know it is hard to see anything that early with one, my doctor did a vaginal ultrasound both times.

    I too am not happy with my doctor during this whole experience, felt very lost with no information or guidance. I have my follow up this Friday so hopefully they can give me more information then but I may be switching anyway. Once again I am very sorry for your loss, I know just how devasting it can be. Please take all the time you need to grieve.
    Married: June 2011
    TTC #1: September 2015-January 2016
    BFP #1: 1/25/16 - MMC Diagnosed 3/22/16
    TTCAL: June 2016
    BFP #2: 8/26/16 - EDD 5/9/17
    Jackson born 5/6/17 at 8:36 PM - 9lbs 5oz & 21in
      Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It really is so much harder than any woman who has never experienced it can imagine. I had such an issue with my doctors office and the way they treated me with such dismissal. I felt as if they treated me like I was the least of their problems. I am now on the hunt for a new doctor after all of this. If you feel unheard I encourage you to call and calmly explain to them you'd like to see the doctor that first saw you to talk or make an appt with. I encourage you to make them listen. I felt at the time I couldn't stand up for myself but now I wish I had. Trust me you'll be glad you at least tried even if they don't cooperate.

    Denial is a very real part of all this though. I had a very early miscarriage so I tried to tell myself it didn't really count as I was on the couch sobbing for over a week. I have accepted that it very deeply effected me. Everyone on here goes through a very personal experience and is brave enough to share. No two experiences are the same but some are similar. Hopefully someone with a similar story to your will reach out to you and be able to provide so insight that I can't give.
    JustAnotherUsername16
  • All I can say is I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is without a doubt the hardest thing to accept. I've loss 3 pregnancies at different stages and not one is less painful than the other, it is heartbreaking, devastating and denial is only natural, I feel for you and I pray you find peace. 
    I'm 29, husband is 30
    Together since 2006
    Married 01.17.15  <3

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

    JustAnotherUsername16
  • I am so sorry for your loss.  We saw our baby's heartbeat and then at the 11w appointment, there was no more heartbeat.  I had a d&c and had the remains tested.  It turned out there was a chromosomal defect that caused the baby not to be able to survive anymore.  With this particularly defect (triploidy), my understanding is the baby might die earlier than we experienced or later (even be stillborn), but it is basically always fatal.

    It sounds like the care you are getting is not particularly compassionate.  I was wondering the same thing as @lilylover27 - were they doing a transvag u/s?  If they did not do that the second time, then they might not be able to see the baby if it had stopped growing earlier.  That is what happened to me--at the 11w appointment, the sono tech tried to find the baby with the abdominal u/s and could not, so she had me change so she could do transvag, and she did find the baby with it, but not more hb.  Once she said she couldn't find our baby with the abdominal I knew it was likely to end badly.  It was really devastating.  *hugs*
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • Thank you all for your support. Both US's were done transvaginally. I feel like seeing my baby without a hb would be devastating but would bring me some closure. Not seeing my baby at all after I had seen her before is what has left me so confused and seeking acceptance. I fail to understand how a fetus just disappears from the sak... 
  • I'm so sorry for your loss but my dr explained to me that after the fetus passes it starts to shrink and eventually is kinda reabsorbed by the body. My babies heart had just stopped beating within a day or two of my ultrasound so it was still measuring correctly but the next day had already started to shrink and he could see my sac starting to separate from the uterus. Please know you didn't do anything wrong, I wish I could take everyone's pain because I too know it's hard to get up each day and face it without your baby inside. 
  • I was measuring at 6+4 with a heartbeat last week and 6+1 with no heartbeat that the doctor could confirm was baby and not mine a week later. I think it's normal for the fetus to shrink, especially in the earlier stages to be reabsorbed like PP mention. I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially after seeing a HB and feeling a little more comfortable.
    Him:31Me:27
    NTNP#1 since 12/14, TTC#1 since 4/15
    LPD diagnosis 9/15
    Femara + TI #1: 12/15 - 1/16 = BFN
    Femara + Ovidrel + TI #2: 1/16 - 2/16 = BFN
    Femara + Ovidrel + TI #3: 2/16 - 3/16 = BFP (Squish) 3/18/16, no growth/HB 4/12/16, MC on 5/3/16
    Taking a break from trying to focus on graduate school!
  • I am so sorry for your loss. I did IVF, so was seeing an RE every week for an ultrasound starting at 5 weeks. I saw my babys heartbeat 5 times over the course of 4 weeks and 3 days. When I went in for another u/s just 4 days after the 5th one, there was no more heartbeat and baby hadn't grown. I was at a less than 2% chance of miscarriage. It unfortunately happens sometimes. It is almost always caused by a chromosomal abnormality, so nothing you did wrong. (there may be a few cases where it is something else, like a day of binge drinking, followed by skydiving, followed by rollercoaster riding and ending with a cage match [is it too early to joke? sorry if it is]) But again, it is definitely not your fault this has happened to you.

    I hope you are able to find peace.
    About us:
    Me - 28, Lean PCOS
    DH - 31
    Married June 2010, TTC since March 2014
    Blog: ourbinarystar.com

    FET cycle #3 Transfer July 28th 2016, Triplets born healthy on February 26th 2017 at 33w1d!

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