Etiquette Issues

Snaps816

The posts about gifts, shower-host duties, and the like have made me think maybe we could use one thread to talk about some of these etiquette issues. 

Snaps816

Here is my question, I'd love to hear where you all stand on this. I am doing my registry and I have a few items on there are that are "for mom" rather than baby. I would like to put a nice diaper bag on there (something a little stylish and probably between $100 and $200), and then I've also put some of those breastfeeding cover/infinity scarves on there (I did three colors). Those are practical but also kind of an accessory for mom rather than a necessity for baby. 

DH and I are pretty adamant about buying all of the big ticket items for ourselves (stroller, crib, changing table, etc) so our registry will be mostly smaller, more practical items. It's not in poor taste to include a few stylish items for mom, is it? I was thinking some people I know might even prefer those items because they are "fun," and more exciting than like, a changing pad. What do you guys think?

nanner26

I feel the same. I have a couple of the breastfeeding scarves on my registry as well. Even though it is technically for mom, everyone needs a diaper bag to hold the necessities in, stuff for baby. So I feel like it's perfectly acceptable.

We put a stroller on our registry but I assume my mother or MIL will buy that for me. We are also buying all the furniture ourselves and wouldn't expect anyone to buy those items. 

jamiesc58

I added things for mom onto my registry for my first baby shower. I didn't get a ton of stuff but I was surprised to see how many people actually added a box of breast pads, nipple cream, or other small stuff in with the gift for the baby. It doesn't hurt. The worst outcome is you get none and have to buy them yourself. No biggie!

Curls919

@Snaps816 - I'm Jewish and we have a whole superstition about not buying things for baby before it's actually here.  So when I get invited to baby showers I usually buy the things that are actually for the mom.  I made my BFF a whole breastfeeding package (nursing pillow, lanolin, nursing pads, etc).  Not as cute as clothing or whatever but definitely appreciated by my friend!

Also, I know you said you're adamant about buying the big ticket stuff yourself, but honestly I'd still put it on the registry.  Because a) some relatives might WANT to buy something bigger (my parents bought us the stroller, my uncle got us the high chair, etc) or a group of friends might want to go in together to get a bigger gift than all get smaller things and b) you'll want those on there for the completion coupon

I wouldn't necessarily put furniture on there, but the stroller, car seat, etc, go for it!

jamiesc58

@Curls919 I love the idea of a breastfeeding package, especially for first time moms. I knew the basics but didn't take a class. There was so much more I needed after I figured out what it entailed.

WinnieLou82

@Snaps816 I think that's fine. I see a diaper bag as a baby item. Now the stuff Target wants you to add like digital cameras, camcorders and prenatal vitamins? Not so much.

Curls919

jamiesc58 said:

@Curls919 I love the idea of a breastfeeding package, especially for first time moms. I knew the basics but didn't take a class. There was so much more I needed after I figured out what it entailed.

I even included a list of things I wish I knew before I nursed, or in the early days.  I've sent that letter to so many friends since.

charmedlifex3

Question:

I know for my maids - of - honor who hosted my wedding shower, the bachelorette party etc, I gifted them a nice "goody bag" as a thank you. I included a "getting ready" robe, a bottle of wine, a personalized wine glass and hanger for their dresses, a wine bottle stopper and a personalized reusable shopping bag, and a $15 DD gift card (for the morning after). I also bought them cutesy things / novelty items for each event they hosted, then the "gift" at the end. - but all told, I am sure they spent several hundred dollars on all the various bride centered events, between the dress, the hotel room for the bachelorette etc.

They did a lot, so I did a lot as a thank you. If I were to do something like that again, it seems over the top? Also, our financial situation has changed dramatically, my husband is not working.

 For the baby shower we are using all the leftover paper plates and plastic silver ware from my rehearsal dinner (I hosted a cook out at my house) it's being held at my house (since I'm the only one with the space to host 10-30 people easily), and I bought the invites since I wanted specific ones. They planned all the details, are buying the food (tea party theme, so wine, tea and cakes) and mailed / addressed all the invitations. We have some décor leftover from the wedding, so the only décor they would need to buy is baby specific, if they want. (We have lace doilies, tea cup candles, mason jars to hold flowers, etc)

What level of "thank you for hosting" is appropriate for a gift? Any suggestions?

SkiChic626

I actually don't think I've ever seen a baby registry that DOESN'T have those "mom"-type items on it.  And I frequently see people buy diaper bags as a gift.  I usually don't see the breastfeeding/nursing items given, but I think people feel weird about buying that stuff for some reason, when really it's one of the #1 necessities for new moms - but people don't realize that, they'd rather buy the cute stuff.  I also agree that you should put some of the bigger items on there anyway, not necessarily so people will buy them (no one bought us a single big-ticket item except the high chair, and even that wasn't what I'd classify as big-ticket, I think it as $80, which is in the range of what I usually spend on a gift anyway), but more so that you can get the completion discount.  Of course, our stroller and car seats were both brands that were excluded from discounts, but still, worth a shot!

Curls919

@Allisun85 - for my bridal shower I sent my mom, MIL and MOH (the three that really hosted it) flowers as a thank you.  I think that and a thank you note are enough.

charmedlifex3

Also - People who bought gifts off my registry already (shower is in May) do I send the thank you card when I see the gift or after the shower? I have no idea if people are just having the gift direct shipped to me because that is easier, and planning on coming to the shower (and perhaps bringing something additional? People like to buy cute stuff for babies, so I know I've definitely bought something off the registry, and ALSO a little layette set or something I picked up at carters) or not planning on coming, and spending two months wondering where their thank you card is.

I'm over thinking this. Thank you cards stress me out.

WinnieLou82

@Allisun85 For a hostess gift, I think the flowers (you could purchase and arrange yourself) and a nice note are great. Or maybe small gift: lotion/soap, coffee with mug, etc. from Marshall's/TJMaxx.

 Send the thank you notes after you actually receive the gifts.

Snaps816

@Allisun85 Maybe a nice bottle of wine for each of them, and a heartfelt thank-you note? I don't think anyone would expect you to go to the trouble of making elaborate gift bags while you're pregnant and have a lot of other stuff on your plate. And I certainly don't think you need to "match" the level of what you did for your wedding. You ask friends to be in your wedding party, and they do have to jump through a lot of hoops to be a bridesmaid, so a big bridesmaid gift is customary. I think for a baby shower, they offer to throw it for you and it's meant to be a gift. I think your thank-you needs to be sincere but not large-scale. 

Nikkoli98

WinnieLou82 said:

@Allisun85 For a hostess gift, I think the flowers (you could purchase and arrange yourself) and a nice note are great. Or maybe small gift: lotion/soap, coffee with mug, etc. from Marshall's/TJMaxx.

 Send the thank you notes after you actually receive the gifts.

If you have a membership,  Costco has very nice and very well priced flowers (like around $15.99 for 2 dozen long stem roses.) I think for a baby shower,  a small token gift and a well thought out thank you note is very appropriate.

I also agree,  in most cases I think thank you notes should go out within 1-2 weeks of receiving the gift,  regardless of when the shower is.  But I would try to be sure to thank people in person for attending the shower if they already sent a gift and you already sent your thank you note!

I would also consider diaper bags and nursing scarves to be for the baby,  you aren't just wanting the scarf just because you like it,  you want it to feed your baby. Right? And as far as the price range goes, when attending events like this,  I personally like some options where I can go in with others on a higher priced item. 

Mrsrundell

I think diaper bags and nursing covers are definitely ok on the registry.  

For the hostess thank you gifts, I was going to put together a little "basket" of bath and shower stuff.  It is only my mom and sister hosting so it won't be too difficult for me to put it together with a little note card.  Also, I've attended showers with more hostesses and the mother-to-be just stood up and said a little toast thanking and acknowledging them in front of everyone, and that was all.  It was very sweet and heartfelt. 

cm716

This is my third baby and some of my friends have mentioned throwing me a sprinkle. While I'm very touched i don't quite know what to do. I have everything i need minus a few little odds and ends. (new crib sheets, a new diaper bag- Mine is pretty beat).

Also i live in texas and the norm here seems to be to have a shower/sprinkle for each baby. I have been ro several 2+ baby showers

So while it seems to be the norm in my circle, I feel a little self conscious. Do I graciously accept since they want tho throw one? Or decline since it's my third baby? Also i don't really need anything beyond diapers or wipes... How do i handle the gift situation?

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

kristynmac

cm716 said:

This is my third baby and some of my friends have mentioned throwing me a sprinkle. While I'm very touched i don't quite know what to do. I have everything i need minus a few little odds and ends. (new crib sheets, a new diaper bag- Mine is pretty beat).

Also i live in texas and the norm here seems to be to have a shower/sprinkle for each baby. I have been ro several 2+ baby showers

So while it seems to be the norm in my circle, I feel a little self conscious. Do I graciously accept since they want tho throw one? Or decline since it's my third baby? Also i don't really need anything beyond diapers or wipes... How do i handle the gift situation?

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

I had a friend that had this same issue and she really appreciated that they had thought of her and she didn't want to turn them down, so instead of registering she requested that everyone bring a gift-under $20- of something that they couldn't live without when they had their baby. It was a lot of fun, because she would open a gift and the giver could explain why they felt it was valuable with their little one. 

gadzooks_3

cm716 said:

This is my third baby and some of my friends have mentioned throwing me a sprinkle. While I'm very touched i don't quite know what to do. I have everything i need minus a few little odds and ends. (new crib sheets, a new diaper bag- Mine is pretty beat).

Also i live in texas and the norm here seems to be to have a shower/sprinkle for each baby. I have been ro several 2+ baby showers

So while it seems to be the norm in my circle, I feel a little self conscious. Do I graciously accept since they want tho throw one? Or decline since it's my third baby? Also i don't really need anything beyond diapers or wipes... How do i handle the gift situation?

Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Perhaps you could request a no-gift shower? Or just having people bring a book to add to the baby's library in lieu of a gift? I have also heard of diaper only sprinkles. Or you could encourage donation to a baby related charity? Of course if they are the norm there you could also just say thank you and let it happen, register for the small items that might help

Edited because I got confused and thought you were asking for a friend

cm716

@krissymac that's a cute idea! Like oprahs favorite things but for a shower.

@lijabee i also really like the idea of a diapers/wipes shower. I just wasn't sure if that was too forward. I personally don't mind when people are specific like that but I know other people do.

Aug2016BBNY

Snaps816 said:

Here is my question, I'd love to hear where you all stand on this. I am doing my registry and I have a few items on there are that are "for mom" rather than baby. I would like to put a nice diaper bag on there (something a little stylish and probably between $100 and $200), and then I've also put some of those breastfeeding cover/infinity scarves on there (I did three colors). Those are practical but also kind of an accessory for mom rather than a necessity for baby. 

DH and I are pretty adamant about buying all of the big ticket items for ourselves (stroller, crib, changing table, etc) so our registry will be mostly smaller, more practical items. It's not in poor taste to include a few stylish items for mom, is it? I was thinking some people I know might even prefer those items because they are "fun," and more exciting than like, a changing pad. What do you guys think?

I'm 100% with you.  I think anything that you will use for the baby is fair game on the registry (I mean, it's not like you are registering for a Gucci diaper bag).  I think it's nice to get the mom-to-be personal gifts- everything is all about the baby, sometimes it's nice to get something for YOU.  For my SIL's shower a few yrs ago, I got her something off the registry but also got her a GC to get a prenatal massage. I think that asking for things to help you be more comfortable through pregnancy/after birth are 100% ok.  Personally, I registered for one of those stylish nursing scarves- why not? My personal rule about registries (and this is just me/my friends) is that the registry should have items that are reasonable and in a range of prices so guests don't feel obligated to spend $X.

I hope you get your diaper bag and some other cool stuff to pamper yourself with- you deserve it.

Mfuller76

@Snaps816 I think those are totally in bounds for a registry, and have never thought twice about seeing them. I've also always felt the shower should be about the mom-to-be as well and usually try to get something for her as well (usually a gift card for a pedicure). You deserve a little special treatment too! 

@cm716 I threw a sprinkle for my BFF's second and suggested diapers, wipes, baby shampoo, etc. to get her all stocked up. The sprinkle was really an excuse to have a fun afternoon with her girlfriends, but I know she appreciated it.