Miss Violet was clearly tired and wouldn't sleep. So we went for a car ride. Works like a charm. For various reasons i want to hit my husband today. On my drive, i witnessed a cat bolt across the road and get hit by an SUV. It was awful. I cried. I don't even like cats
I nurse my LO to sleep, even for naps. I know I shouldn't, but it's the only way I can get him to fall asleep. I have no idea what we're going to do when he starts daycare
I realized today that I've been really selfish with my stubborn refusal to stop trying to breastfeed. This sounds counterintuitive because breastfeeding is wonderful and selfless, not selfish, but in my situation, it just stopped making sense a while ago. My supply never got higher than 8 ounces and for the last little while it's been 4 or under. Yesterday I only got 3 ounces, despite pumping 8x. I think when they adjusted my thyroid medication to help my supply it actually made it worse.
Anyway, despite the insanely low amount of milk I've been getting, and the insanely low amount of sleep I've been getting, and some scary struggles with anxiety and depression, I stubbornly continued to push as hard as I could to at least be contributing something in the way of breastmilk. Even after my OB told me to stop and rest instead, hoping that would help the anxiety and depression. Even after LO's pediatrician said the benefit of the small amount of breastmilk I was contributing was very tiny, if anything, and certainly NOT greater than the benefit of a well rested mother. Yet, I persisted. Anxious and exhausted and trying to prove something, I don't know what? That I love my daughter? That I'm a good mom? That I know what I'm doing in terms of this motherhood thing? When really, I just needed to accept that hey, this thing is recommended and ideal, but it's just not going to work out in my case and that is FINE.
It took me seeing my poor, deeply exhausted husband, up in the middle of the night feeding LO while I pumped, pointlessly, looking so beaten up and tired to realize what I had been doing. My taking 2 hours out of each day to pump was making it so he was having to do more. LO would wake up if I fed her while pumping, so he would feed her half of the night feeds so I could pump, on top of working a grueling schedule at his job, which is different every day, and very long shifts. And the process of pumping or trying to feed LO directly wasn't helping my anxiety - I was stressing out about it, being so disappointed at the results, I would burst into tears when LO would get frustrated and angry at the breast - what was I accomplishing? If I took pumping out the equation I would be less stressed. I would rest more, my husband could rest more, we would all be better rested and happier. It's so obvious and logical, but emotionally, so hard.
It's been so deeply disappointing to me not to be able to EBF, so genuinely painful for some reason that has to do with a mixture of expectation and hormones and the absolutely inescapable breast is best proponents, but I just realized that I have toughen up, let it go and think of my whole family, not just me. I guess this is a big part of motherhood that I'm learning right away - not everything is going to be perfect and that's okay. You don't always get the pregnancy you want, the birth experience you want, the breastfeeding experience you want, etc. But you do the best you can with the circumstances that you have, and learn to prioritize everyone's health and happiness over perfection. It's been tough for me to swallow, but in the end, I think it means I'm learning the important lesson here. At least I hope!
Anyway, sorry this has been a novel! It's just been something very difficult for me to grapple with and I'm happy to begin the process of letting go of it and becoming a happier and healthier mom.
I've been pushing myself at work. Working double shifts 2-3 times a week to get money for a new house... I feel guilty because I don't see LO as much as I want. I miss him so much while I'm working, I'm starting to dread leaving him with my mom because I hate being without him.
Hubby comes home tomorrow after a week away, and his mom who has stayed with me for the last two weeks is leaving. I'm not entirely thrilled about this coming change in company. As much as I love my husband, when MIL is here I get uninterrupted lie ins, peaceful showers, cooked dinners and a willing tag team childcare partner all day. DH never lets me sleep in by taking baby on the weekend even though I'm up several times in the night, and he's not a natural in the kitchen or keen on watching baby for long when he's home.
I hate working knowing LO is a daycare. He has come down with a cold after only 4 days there and started showing symptoms after 2 days. DH stayed home with him today because he was miserable. I have already figured out that I can sell my car and pay it off as well as have enough left over to get a new transmission for our van (2000 Honda Odyssey that needs a new tranny) and get a part time job at a local store where LO can come with me and we'll have enough to cover groceries and what expenses come from my check. But DH would never go for it. I know being at daycare will be good for him in the long run. I know kids get sick eventually. But he's so little. And if we can make it work where he'll still get exposure to other kids but is with me, isn't that more ideal? *sigh*
Re: FFFC
On my drive, i witnessed a cat bolt across the road and get hit by an SUV. It was awful. I cried. I don't even like cats
Anyway, despite the insanely low amount of milk I've been getting, and the insanely low amount of sleep I've been getting, and some scary struggles with anxiety and depression, I stubbornly continued to push as hard as I could to at least be contributing something in the way of breastmilk. Even after my OB told me to stop and rest instead, hoping that would help the anxiety and depression. Even after LO's pediatrician said the benefit of the small amount of breastmilk I was contributing was very tiny, if anything, and certainly NOT greater than the benefit of a well rested mother. Yet, I persisted. Anxious and exhausted and trying to prove something, I don't know what? That I love my daughter? That I'm a good mom? That I know what I'm doing in terms of this motherhood thing? When really, I just needed to accept that hey, this thing is recommended and ideal, but it's just not going to work out in my case and that is FINE.
It took me seeing my poor, deeply exhausted husband, up in the middle of the night feeding LO while I pumped, pointlessly, looking so beaten up and tired to realize what I had been doing. My taking 2 hours out of each day to pump was making it so he was having to do more. LO would wake up if I fed her while pumping, so he would feed her half of the night feeds so I could pump, on top of working a grueling schedule at his job, which is different every day, and very long shifts. And the process of pumping or trying to feed LO directly wasn't helping my anxiety - I was stressing out about it, being so disappointed at the results, I would burst into tears when LO would get frustrated and angry at the breast - what was I accomplishing? If I took pumping out the equation I would be less stressed. I would rest more, my husband could rest more, we would all be better rested and happier. It's so obvious and logical, but emotionally, so hard.
It's been so deeply disappointing to me not to be able to EBF, so genuinely painful for some reason that has to do with a mixture of expectation and hormones and the absolutely inescapable breast is best proponents, but I just realized that I have toughen up, let it go and think of my whole family, not just me. I guess this is a big part of motherhood that I'm learning right away - not everything is going to be perfect and that's okay. You don't always get the pregnancy you want, the birth experience you want, the breastfeeding experience you want, etc. But you do the best you can with the circumstances that you have, and learn to prioritize everyone's health and happiness over perfection. It's been tough for me to swallow, but in the end, I think it means I'm learning the important lesson here. At least I hope!
Anyway, sorry this has been a novel! It's just been something very difficult for me to grapple with and I'm happy to begin the process of letting go of it and becoming a happier and healthier mom.
Working double shifts 2-3 times a week to get money for a new house...
I feel guilty because I don't see LO as much as I want. I miss him so much while I'm working, I'm starting to dread leaving him with my mom because I hate being without him.
I know being at daycare will be good for him in the long run. I know kids get sick eventually. But he's so little. And if we can make it work where he'll still get exposure to other kids but is with me, isn't that more ideal?
*sigh*