Have you had this discussion as of yet?

jennh75b

I hope this doesn't sound like too negative of a subject, but I'm sort of a realistic/"don't expect too much so you won't be disappointed" kind of person.  I've talked to my SIL who is the same age as me - 40.  She and my brother were TTC but she is very private and I don't know if they still are trying anymore, it's been a few years, she told me she was told to see an RE but she never went.  So, we had talked about wondering when we were going to "cut ourselves off" from TTC and pretty much throw in the towel at a certain age.  I haven't really discussed this with my H.  But wondering if you all as a couple came to a decision of when enough would be enough...that TTC was going to be out of the picture and you were going to carry on as-is.  Anyone reach a decision of when that will be for you?  What did you base it on?  I'm not sure if people even do this, or they just get to that point and know it.  

Liss_37

no we haven't.. although we both agree that after a year we need to sit down and seriously re-evaluate. I'll be 37 next month so if I'm not KU by the time I'm 38 I dunno.. I guess I can't say how I'll feel a year from now but I think it's a good time to step back and re-assess how badly we wish to consider other options. 

jennh75b

I have a feeling that after we go to the RE appointment to hear what issues or non-issues we may have based on all of the testing we just did, then we may have some sort of conversation about how much we are set on this and perhaps how long we want to try.  

H sees me as being "negative" when I talk about what other options/scenarios will be, so I try not to get into it too much at this stage, but I turn 41 in November and I kind of feel that after that I may be done trying.  TTC for so long without any "progress" has really taken a toll on us, especially our sex lives.      

KLake42

I have only one more shot before I throw in the towel on TTC with my own eggs.  I'm 38, turning 39 in a couple weeks, with diminished reserve.  I'll be trying my second IVF in June. 

But the next step in our process will be for me to TTC with my wife's eggs, and so far, indications are that her FSH is normal.  We will try reciprocal IVF, and if that's a bust, we will try to inseminate her or help her conceive with IVF, before we give up on her eggs.

Then we consider donor embryos.

Then adoption.

If conventional/open adoption doesn't work, we will move to a big house and try to foster/adopt a sibling group. 

I don't think we will give up on being parents, but we will be practical about giving up on TTC.  Our goal is to have a family, and there are a lot of ways to get there.

And yeah, I'm almost there with my own eggs.  I really want it to happen, but I'm not going to waste all our resources on getting just what I want, when it's not just about me-- it's about our family.

Edited to add-- we are paying out of pocket, so that has a huge impact on when we move to another strategy.

BecauseLove

I initially thought I was willing to try will help for a hear...that once we got to more expensive proccesses that we would really have to dig deep to make decisions if we would move forward with TTC. But the longer I have been TTC the more I have been willing to pay the $'s and go to whatever the next step is. So in my head I want to say I probably won't keep TTC when I am 37...but in reality if 37 is coming quicker than I seem to be getting Ku'ed. So we will see. At this point we will likely hope hope hope that IUI works but if not give ITV a try. And if neither of those work then we will look at adoption. 

happyktmom

I've always been a huge planner. It was not a part of my plan to start a family so late.  It was not part of my plan to have so much difficulty getting pregnant the first time, then miscarrying and then having a SGA baby.  I still wanted to do it again - have another baby.  After refusing to take birth control and loosely charting Jan 2012 to April 2014, my husband finally agreed that we would 'try' for another baby.  As soon as we started, I knew it would take awhile so I immediately started the 'how far will we go?' and adoption conversations.  I am all in.  I started foster care classes almost immediately but the chances of getting a baby are low. The chances of me getting pregnant are also low.  I just don't know at what point we stop everything.  

KT&John

***Children mentioned***

I'm 38 and we have 2 children. My youngest turned 5 in February and we only recently decided that we would like to try for one more child. We have talked about not putting too much pressure on ourselves and giving ourselves six months. I'm not sure if we will decide to try longer if I don't get pregnant in that time frame, but as of now we are giving it six months.

ETA: children mentioned warning

MntnGirl

jennh75b said:

TTC for so long without any "progress" has really taken a toll on us, especially our sex lives.      

@jennh75b I think a lot of us can relate to that statement while TTC. Seeing an RE and knowing we have a plan has helped. We have discussed all of our options, but we haven't set any limits. The more time and money we invest, the more determined we are. We believe where there's a will there's a way. I understand the need to be realistic to manage disappointment. Establishing limits for time or money helps mentally and emotionally prepare and planning gives you a sense of control. You can always re-evaluate once you reach the limit.

@KLake42 I love the possible plan to foster/adopt a sibling group. I would like to do that regardless of the outcome of our IVF, but I'm not sure I'd be able to convince DH.

jennh75b

Thank you all for your feedback on this topic.  I know it's not always easy to figure this all out, and it is such a personal decision for each person/couple.  I think that I am still in disbelief that I would ever be in this position of maybe not having a child when I'm finally in the position to want one.  I don't know that I'm willing to go to some of the options that were mentioned, however H and I have not really discussed it yet.  I asked him once about adoption but he said he's never thought of it.  I don't know that I want to do that, either.  I have never had a strong need to definitely have a child, so that is why I am not really willing to just keep going and going and going through all of the options.  I know I will draw the line at some point.  H doesn't like to think about it, just thinks it will happen.  So next week when we meet with the RE to talk about our results and possible options, I think we will have a much needed conversation on how far we want to take this.  

I just want to commend you all for pursuing your dream for a child...there are so many paths to choose from and it takes a lot of perseverance to take risks for what you truly want in life.  This process is such a roller coaster and can really take its toll.  I've met so many people that just say if I don't have a child by 35 then I'm done, and it's a shame because there are so many options out there and so many healthy babies from women over 35.  I was one myself - my mom had be at 39, and that was 40 years ago when they didn't have all of these options/testing out there!  So I still have hope for us all!

SLGILL1978

No, we haven't had any discussion as of yet. We both really want another child. We're both the same age. Although our problem so far is vastly different from a majority. I will be 38 in July, he just turned 38, and I am also a diabetic. My sugars are in control and my doctor says I am healthy and he's healthy, but it's just a matter of actually trying when I am ovulating.