Friend avoiding me because of the pregnancy :(

Katm89

 Hey ladies,
I keep getting depressed and trying over and over to get in touch with a friend of mine. I have tried to be sensitive to her situation but I'm just really hurt. We were so close and talked every single day without fail. We hung out each weekend for couples get togethers. Well, she had a miscarriage when I found out I was pregnant. I gave her space and told her how sorry I was and made a point to not talk about my pregnancy. Its been 4 months since she found out and she still avoids my texts. It's just breaking my heart. I have sad dreams about feeling like I did something wrong. She doesn't come out and say she doesn't want to talk to me anymore but she just avoids me. I think thats more hurtful. My Mother in law was getting the baby shower list for invites together and I sent her a text to see if she wanted me to leave her out or not(I felt bad not inviting her and assuming she didn't want to come because to me thats hurtful). She told me she doesn't have the room for pregnancy and babies in her life... so I said no problem... but I thought she just meant the shower... and now she keeps telling me her husband and her have plans... but she won't tell me when they're free in the future to work around them. I've been the one who is hurt and jealous of someone elses pregnancy but I at least try and stay friends. One day she will get pregnant and I would like to move passed this... but she just... doesn't want to be my friend anymore... and now I just feel really alone... and I keep thinking about it and I miss her.

ugh, venting... I feel like I don't have a right to be upset... but I am

emmeline714

well just let her know that you are here for her at the time even if she has pushed you away, that is all you can do, she is going through different emotions as well, loosing a baby is not easy coming from personal experience i did not want to be around anyone as i was trying to deal with it myself, all my friends told me it will get better and i am here if you need to talk, it will all work out and she will come around

JLyn821

This is a tough situation. My BFF and I went through something similar.

I got pregnant with DS after trying for 22 months and two failed IUIs. My BFF had a mc at 11 weeks over a year before I ever got pregnant. While we randomly saw each other throughout my pregnancy, it was significantly less than prior. She rarely, if ever, asked about my pregnancy. She showed up extremely late to my shower with no reason. Even after DS was born, she kept me at a distance. She ended up having another mc at 6 weeks when DS was barely a month old. It was gut wrenching for me to watch her go through it all and yet I was joyful in my newborn son.

Finally, she and her husband through their usual NYE party and we didn't even get invited. I was extremely hurt. It got to the point where I had to say something. So I did.

We went out for dinner and I laid it out. I told her that I, in no way, could understand her losses because I hadn't ever been through that myself. But that didn't mean I didn't love her and care for her and want to hold her up in this time. I also told her I was hurt by how she'd kept me at a distance. I told her I understood that watching me get what she's wanted so much is harder than can be imagined, but I also that the last thing I'd ever want is for my son to come between our 10+ years of friendship.

It was a long conversation, but she admitted that she had been keeping me at a distance because it was hard. At the end of it all, we became closer through it and it was a move forward in our friendship. Now, over a year after that conversation, she's celebrating this pregnancy with me even though she's still yet to get pregnant and is now moving through a divorce.

All you can do is be honest with her. Let her respond when she's ready. Give her the space she obviously needs, but don't be afraid to tell her that you're hurt. Just be gentle and sensitive to her.

Katm89

Well, she just lashed out at me and told me I was rude for not giving her space.... I didn't realized checking in with her every 3 weeks was harassing her... I guess our friendship is over. Very hurt. I held my tongue even though I tend to lash out when I'm hurt.

JLyn821

Katm89 said:

Well, she just lashed out at me and told me I was rude for not giving her space.... I didn't realized checking in with her every 3 weeks was harassing her... I guess our friendship is over. Very hurt. I held my tongue even though I tend to lash out when I'm hurt.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Give her time. Maybe check in again in a few months. Or even after baby is here and just don't mention baby. Maybe just keep it short by saying, "Just wanted to check in to see how you're doing. Miss you." And leave it at that.

1faceinacrowd

I am really sorry that this happened. Have you directly asked her why she's avoiding you? Or pointed out that you can tell she's avoiding you?
Miscarriages suck. They hurt and they're emotionally draining and they can make you feel things you never thought possible. I know this is hard for you, because you feel like your friend has abandoned you and you feel guilty. I'm sure your friend is still grieving and doesn't know how to handle that grief. It's important for you to try to remember that, and remember that it isn't anything against you - she's just likely in a lot of pain. The best thing you can do, like PP said, is let her know you're there. Don't be afraid to tell her that your feelings are hurt that she's avoiding you because her pain does not invalidate yours, but also be prepared for her to tell you she can't handle being around you. 
This is sort of a different scenario but I had my BEST friend (who's also my cousin) tell me that she was "devastated" when she found out that I was pregnant, four years after my daughter was born. She told me that I had "changed" when I became a mother and that I wasn't fun anymore; she said we wouldn't even be friends anymore if we weren't related. So, she and I are no longer friends. You will find as you enter parenthood that some friends will go away, especially the ones who don't have kids. You'll also form new bonds and make new friends with other moms as your kids get older and get involved in sports, dance, etc. It isn't fun to lose friendships and it does hurt, but you deserve to have friends who love you and your children.
I hope this particular friend is simply going through a rough time with her loss and will eventually come around, but I wanted to tell you that it's entirely possible that she won't come around, and that friends will go away when you start having to skip out on plans to take care of your children. That's just how it goes sometimes. Hugs to you, mama, and I hope it all works out.

Katm89

@JLyn821 I think I'm done trying. Apparently my trying to check in pissed her off and she just avoided me instead of telling me it bothered her. I know its bad but I don't think she will ever understand my side of it all and if she came and wanted me to be happy about her pregnancy and pretend none of this happened I just couldn't. I held my tongue and will take the message and move on. I hate when you've invested so much on a relationship and it falls apart even though you were willing to do the work. I can't have a one-sided relationship.

@1faceinacrowd after she ignored my text for 3 days I sent her one today saying "if you're avoiding me I'd rather you be upfront about it" to which she went off. I replied wow and I guess I got my answer... this whole time shes been saying yea I have to get back to you on when we're free and leading me to think she was ready to talk or hang out... I'd rather people be honest instead of pussy footing about.... It sucks that this whole time I've been doing everything to try and make sure I've been sensitive to her... and she flipped about how I haven't been sensitive to her wishes at all... so I guess no matter what I do I'm the bad guy.. This is our first child and it sucks that this will be such a strong memory of the pregnancy. I keep thinking if my baby died would she be friends with me again, but of course I don't want that... I just wonder if it would make a difference.

Mrsrundell

Good lord, take the hint and back off.  I get you were super close but, It seems like you keep pushing and pushing and she has tried to discreetly give off hints that she isn't in the right place to see you and your growing bump.  It is probly hard for her to come right out and say - look I'm jealous/hurting/depressed so can we just cool things off for a while. 

My very close girlfriend has tried to get pregnant for many years and when we found out we were pregnant, we told her and her hubby but, out of respect to her feelings we stopped hanging out every weekend.  I gave her space and I know she appreciates that I am considering her feelings without having a full on dr Phil moment over it.  

She will come around when she has gone through her own individual healing process and it is only opening up those hurts wider the more you badger her. Chill out! 

Katm89

@Mrsrundell it wasn't my intention to "push" and honestly I'm not a hint person. I wish she had just told me how she was feeling instead of just avoiding me. Its been 4 months... I honestly didn't start trying to contact her til last month. I won't be doing it anymore though.

mouse1029

While 3 weeks between calls and 4 months since a real convo seems like a really long time to you, as someone who has had a m/c it's no time at all to heal. I know you want to be there for her too, but truthfully, you're not the best person for that right now. Give her more time and don't be upset with her. There are no words to express what she is going through.

Snaps816

I agree with PP that you should let her know you'll be there for her whenever she decides to reach out, but then back off and just enjoy your pregnancy. It sounds like she is in a pretty dark place right now and deserves compassion more than anything. Your feelings matter, and they are valid, but I think in this case you should give her a pass -- understand that she is suffering while you are celebrating. It sounds like she is depressed, and maybe it really is best for her to avoid the baby/pregnancy scene for a while and spend time with single or child-free friends. Hopefully someday when she is in a better place, you two can come to terms with this lapse in your friendship. 

SkiChic626

I haven't read all of the responses yet, but as someone who struggled with infertility I can tell you that it's really not you, it's her being sad for herself.  It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be happy for pregnancies when you have losses or can't even conceive at all.  I would get pissed at pregnant women I saw out in public who I didn't even know....actually, I still do even though I have a very obvious bump of my own.  Sometimes these things just leave you scarred no matter what.  Your announcement is just another reminder of the pregnancy that she lost.  Again, not your fault.  I would just tell her that you don't mean to seem like you're harassing her, but if/when she feels up to it you'd love to reconnect and get coffee or something.  That's really all you can do.  It's her emotional journey, and this is how she has to deal with it. 

sourpatchkids

I'm so sorry for both of you. I had a miscarriage last January and while emotionally I was ok, it actually caused severe anxiety for me - like a flip switched in my brain because of the hormones crashing after my d&c. I went through the worst months of my life and really only God got me through that - I honestly thought I wouldn't make it. If she hasn't talked to you much I guess you wouldn't know in what way the miscarriage has affected her. She may be dealing with the loss on top of other issues. Who knows. I say just let her know you are sorry that you offended her and that you're there for her when she's ready. And then leave it come what may.

ginger819

When we got pregnant with DD one of our mutual friends started backing out of everything and just simply didn't show up to our baby shower. Come to find out about that time in our pregnancy she had had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. She really didn't want to be around us much until DD was born and she wanted to meet her, but even now almost a year later I think it still stings when we see her to know her son would have been just a couple months younger than DD. We don't see her nearly as much as we used to and it sucks, but she just needs her space and the least we can do is give it to her. Her miscarriage sent her to a very dark place and as much as I would have loved to be one to be there for her I was the last person she wanted. 

Katm89

@ginger819 I just wish it had never happened. Realistically I think I need to just accept that our friendship is over and move on. I tried to handle this the best and most sensitive way... and still screwed it up in her opinion... so theres nothing else I can do.

gadzooks_3

I hear that you feel you have acted with compassion and support, but she doesn't feel that and that is a perspective worth listening to. She does think you screwed up when you think you did not, but there is something you can do, which us listen to her and honor her wishes if you want to preserve the friendship.

If you haven't experienced a pregnancy loss I don't think you understand the depth of grief it can produce.  I was shocked by how deeply I felt that loss. Seeing pregnant people could cause me to break down in tears for months afterward.  A girl in my program had a pregnancy with a due date a few months off from my own and it was the hardest thing to be around her, every interaction was a reminder of where my pregnancy would have been. It ripped open the wound each time.  I could not be around pregnant people without it causing deep emotional pain. It was a visceral experience different than any kind of grief I had previously experienced or have experienced since.  You say you have been hurt and jealous of other's pregnancies, but I suspect what your friend is experiencing is more than hurt or jealousy.  I understand that you are hurt by her withdrawal, but try to show her some more compassion.

She has experienced a significant event - she may interpret it as trauma, she may be trying to cope with anger, or by distancing herself from her desire to have been pregnant, or by grieving and avoiding reliving that grief.  We don't know, we do know that what she has told you, and from her perspective repeatedly, that she needs space. So, give it to her. Give it to her freely and with love if you really value her as a friend. 

If you value the friendship as much as you say then understand that right now, in her life, the need to heal trumps your desire to have your pregnancy celebrated and that may mean it trumps her ability to even communicate with you. It is not necessarily fair, but it is what she needs. If, for her, healing means she can't be around you, understand that. Genuinely give her space and assure her thst when she is ready, you miss her, and will be ready to be back on her life.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like you are willing to give her what she needs at this time and that you feel your needs right now should trump hers or perhaps be equal to hers producing a compromise of seeing each other but not talking about the baby. That she should suck it up and hang out with you, as you have done for others in order to preserve the friendship.  That nay seem very reasonable and fair but probably overlooks what the experience of sitting across from your bump or just the remonder from association if the loss could be doing to her.

 If you feel her need for this space is an aspect of the friendship you cannot tolerate, that is your right but understand you have an active role in dissolving the friendship. You may perceive yourself as having acted with compassion and support, but she clearly disagrees and frankly you seem to not be willing to understand that this pregnancy -  joyful and significant though it is to you may simply be something she cannot share in at this time.

Set your boundaries, decide how much you are willing to be put aside for her need to grieve, do what you need to for your own comfort and how you see a balance in friendship - by all means - but don't paint a picture of you as the devoted friend and her as the unreasonable lashing out dumper - it isn't fair to either of you or the situation. You have conflicting needs right now, if they can't be resolved and you aren't willing to put a pause on the relationship then grieve for her and the Friendship and move on. Hopefully you can both find peace and happiness in the future.

AliKay20

I know this hurts but the best thing to do is leave her alone. I had a friend who told me she had been trying via IUI and became pregnant right after I did. Sadly, she had miscarried shortly after. 

I knew she was excited for my pregnancy but I also knew she was looking forward to our babies being only months apart. This killed me too, now that it wasn't going to be the case. As much as I wanted to check up on her and talk to her, I just told her the day she was getting D&C that I will be thinking of her.

Weeks turned into a month then two and I haven't heard from her but I didn't talk to her- not because I didn't care but because I wanted to give her space no matter how long that might feel for me.

She recently reached out to me and told me how much she appreciated that I gave her the space she needed whereas some of her other friends have been texting her nonstop, even asking her when she was going to try again! 

It was hard for me not communicating with her regularly but I thought of her a lot and that was all she needed to know, that she was in my thoughts. The rest, I left up to her and she eventually reached out. 

Disneygeek77

 "I wish she had just told me how she was feeling instead of just avoiding me. Its been 4 months.."

""after she ignored my text for 3 days I sent her one today saying "if you're avoiding me I'd rather you be upfront about it" ""

 "I've been the one who is hurt and jealous of someone elses pregnancy but I at least try and stay friends"

" I know its bad but I don't think she will ever understand my side of it all "


Look, I am going to be completely honest with you.  You are being a bit self absorbed right now.   I understand you feel bad  for the miscarriage, but it is much more complicated than just "jealousy" and you aren't respecting her grieving process.  It is irrelevant what you would do if you were in her situation.  Everyone handles grief differently.  She tried to be discreet and give you hints that she doesn't want to be around you right now and no she doesn't have to be upfront with you if she doesn't want to.   That is ok and she is entitled to that.  I get that is not what you would do if you were in her situation, but again what you would do is irrelevant. YOU do not get to decide when she should feel better, you do not get to decide how she should communicate with you, you don't get to decide what aspects of your pregnancy she should be ok with  and you don't get to decide when the friendship goes back to normal.  Please have some empathy with what she is going through because all I have really read from you is how your feelings are hurt or what you would do or what you want.  Like others have said, this isn't just about you and what she is going through and feeling is very complicated.  Please think outside of yourself as she has every right to protect her heart and her emotional well being right now.  

sashaaaa

I completely agree with previous comments here that you are not understanding the depth of her grief. What I will add to the advice is that while you need to back off ASAP, do not think that the friendship is therefore permanently lost. I've been in your friend's situation for 3 years. I've stopped friendships. I'm now emerging from my losses with a nearing due date and am slowly reaching out to those old friends to rebuild the friendship. If they are good enough friends, they will accept me back after I've ignored them while they've raised their living babies. They will understand I could not be there due to my deep deep pain. 

Katm89

I will I could delete this thread but I can't... just trying to move on at this point. Was hoping for people to understand my side a bit more.

texasmama2014

Katm89 said:

 Hey ladies,
I keep getting depressed and trying over and over to get in touch with a friend of mine. I have tried to be sensitive to her situation but I'm just really hurt. We were so close and talked every single day without fail. We hung out each weekend for couples get togethers. Well, she had a miscarriage when I found out I was pregnant. I gave her space and told her how sorry I was and made a point to not talk about my pregnancy. Its been 4 months since she found out and she still avoids my texts. It's just breaking my heart. I have sad dreams about feeling like I did something wrong. She doesn't come out and say she doesn't want to talk to me anymore but she just avoids me. I think thats more hurtful. My Mother in law was getting the baby shower list for invites together and I sent her a text to see if she wanted me to leave her out or not(I felt bad not inviting her and assuming she didn't want to come because to me thats hurtful). She told me she doesn't have the room for pregnancy and babies in her life... so I said no problem... but I thought she just meant the shower... and now she keeps telling me her husband and her have plans... but she won't tell me when they're free in the future to work around them. I've been the one who is hurt and jealous of someone elses pregnancy but I at least try and stay friends. One day she will get pregnant and I would like to move passed this... but she just... doesn't want to be my friend anymore... and now I just feel really alone... and I keep thinking about it and I miss her.

ugh, venting... I feel like I don't have a right to be upset... but I am

qfp

Mrsrundell

@Katm89 wow - you want to delete your thread because you aren't hearing exactly what you want?! There have been pp with many different viewpoints and instead of being open minded to another perspective you wanted us to all say "yeah, your friend is so rude!"?!?! 

I just can't - I'm annoyed 

Katm89

@Mrsrundell no its because I dealt with it yesterday and I'm just trying to move on.

bearsandbeets7

If you just want to move on then posting a thread in hopes that Internet strangers will agree with you and say your friend is being overly sensitive and should just be happy for you is not the way to do it. Also there is no guarantee that your friend will one day get pregnant. I have a friend who has had 5 miscarriages and doctors have pretty much told her to give up hope on ever carrying a baby. 

And honestly if you want to call a friendship quits over the fact that your friend can't be around you right now because it's too hard on her emotionally then maybe you weren't as good of friends as you thought. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you were in her shoes?

Disneygeek77

Man, your poor friend has all my sympathy.  

Judging from your responses, I am going to assume you never you had a miscarriage.  IF THAT  IS TRUE, then you really need  to stop talking about what you would do if you were in her situation.  This is one of those situations where you can truly never know unless you have been there.