Need advice from STM+

atcwag

I had an odd situation with our sitter today. She's been with us since January after the sitter we had had for 2 years got a new job and couldn't fulfill the hours we needed. She comes 3-4 days/week for 3 hours/day (DH and I work overlapping schedules). 
Today she came and brought a female friend. I was completely caught off guard. She said "this is Carrie" and left it at that. I feel like a totally incompetent parent by not inquiring further and leaving for work. I've been wanting to vomit all day just thinking about it. DH said (obviously) everything seemed fine when he arrived home, but she didn't give any introductions to him either. I'm totally caught off guard on how to handle this situation. In the grand scheme of things, not a huge deal I guess, but I think I'm overly emotional about it because of pregnancy hormones. 
Had she given me a little bit of notice "Hey, my friend is visiting from out of town (or whatever the circumstance is) and I was wondering if it was ok..." I would have likely been ok with it....
I don't know, I've had a rough couple of weeks and I'm just at a loss...

talkthewholetime

Oh HELL NO. HELLL NO.

talkthewholetime

Let me elaborate. You're paying her to do a job. On no planet do you get to bring your friends to work. You don't know her friend,she didn't ask you, and it's your home. That's a total deal breaker for me, and it makes me question her judgement/professionalism in other ways. She's not at your house to hang out. She's at your house to take care of your child(ren), and job for which you are paying her.

talkthewholetime

"This is Carrie"?!?!? Dude. I'm enraged for you. I'll stop commenting now, haha.

HMLanders

I wouldn't be okay with it, either. You seriously can't be cautious enough when it comes to you children, in my opinion. It's hard enough trusting the original girl, let alone some stranger (I have trust issues). I would talk with her about your concerns, and let her know that you would feel much more comfortable if she were to ask permission if something like that were to happen again. 

atcwag

Thanks @talkthewholetime for verifying my feelings. I just want to cry. I've had such a crappy few weeks and I just feel like this is the icing on the cake. 

talkthewholetime

It sucks. Babysitter/childcare problems are the WORST. (I had the world's hardest time with going back to work, and to make it worse, my babysitter I had lined up over a year before bailed on me, leaving me totally in the lurch, so I've been there in a few ways)

atcwag

I'm obviously going to address the issue tomorrow, but I'm not even sure what to say. 

talkthewholetime

Well, what are you exact problems with it? Are you happy with her other wise? I would start by saying I was really taken aback that you had a friend in our home without asking first. It's really important to me that I know the people who are going to be around my children and I'm not comfortable with being surprised on my way to work with a visiting friend. I would set solid guidelines for the future - no friends, or notice about friends, etc.

atcwag

Yes, otherwise we are satisfied.  Like I said, if there was some advance notice, I most likely would have been ok with it. Not as a regular thing, but a friend visiting from out of town, etc.  I'm just flabbergasted she didn't notify us. A month or so ago, she brought her niece with her a few times (after getting the ok from us) because her other neice (sister of the little girl she brought) was sick and in the hospital. She asked ahead of time and opened with "I completely understand if you aren't ok with this..."  I'm just so blown away....

soylatte

 If she worked at Walmart, she would not bring a friend with her.   It's just not acceptable. You made an exception with the niece. But I would make it clear that you trust and hired her, and you would like her to come alone. If she has a friend in town, she can let you know ahead of time and you will make other arrangements.  Sorry. I'm older and I'm very particular about anyone being left alone with my children. Seriously, she's not even there that long. Her friend can wait. This is her job.

Katemr1146

Wow, no! I would have been so shocked and pissed too. I would absolutely address it immediately. Maybe through an email tonight so that she doesn't show up with Carrie again tomorrow. She needs to understand that this was not acceptable and these types of situations need to be run by you first. 

aquasocks

What everyone else said. You have every right to be upset.

That is shady though, it's almost like she knew you would be upset so she didn't even ask, considering she asked about her niece. I would have a serious talk about this, and clearly lay out ground rules for the future. I'd also look for another sitter as a backup because it's good to have one anyway.  

talkthewholetime

Just because I'm married to the person I'm married to: Are you sure she didn't mention it to your husband?

shevaCC

We have a nanny working for us a few hours a day between when daycare closes and we get home from work. She's wonderful overall but occasionally makes questionable decisions. I've found it best to directly address my concerns as immediately as possible, assuming that she means well but is young and still immature in some areas.

Your sitter shouldn't have brought a friend to work. But it sounds like you otherwise like her. I would talk with her either over the phone or ideally in person. Perhaps saying simply "I'm not comfortable with you bringing another person to my house and around my kids without prior permission." It's also worth pointing out that it's not ok to bring a friend to work at any other job.

atcwag

aquasocks said:

What everyone else said. You have every right to be upset.

That is shady though, it's almost like she knew you would be upset so she didn't even ask, considering she asked about her niece. I would have a serious talk about this, and clearly lay out ground rules for the future. I'd also look for another sitter as a backup because it's good to have one anyway.  

We do have back-up sitters. Quite a few of them actually. Life savers!

atcwag

talkthewholetime said:

Just because I'm married to the person I'm married to: Are you sure she didn't mention it to your husband?

That's the very first thing I thought!  Because my husband would totally blank on telling me something like that. I wish, but no. 

lajoliedreamer

I am not a STM, but I am a former nanny. I would NEVER have brought someone with me to my job. I did bring the boys I watched out miniature golfing with my sister and her family when they came to visit once, but I talked it over with their mom first. Even when I was a sitter in high school I would never have thought it okay to bring a friend. 

I would talk to her about the situation that put you in and how uncomfortable and unprofessional it was for her to just show up with Carrie and not offer an explanation or ask you first.  Make sure you stress that you want to continue to trust her, but that she needs to earn it with professional behavior and communication. You may want to send her a text or email tonight to make sure she doesn't do it again tomorrow, and maybe ask her to come a few minutes early so you can discuss it before you leave for work.

atcwag

shevaCC said:

We have a nanny working for us a few hours a day between when daycare closes and we get home from work. She's wonderful overall but occasionally makes questionable decisions. I've found it best to directly address my concerns as immediately as possible, assuming that she means well but is young and still immature in some areas.

Your sitter shouldn't have brought a friend to work. But it sounds like you otherwise like her. I would talk with her either over the phone or ideally in person. Perhaps saying simply "I'm not comfortable with you bringing another person to my house and around my kids without prior permission." It's also worth pointing out that it's not ok to bring a friend to work at any other job.

Yes, I definitely plan on speaking with her tomorrow. I always think, although sometimes no easier, it's better to speak in person. I'm not sure what to do if she shows up with her again tomorrow. I doubt it, but I never would have guessed this would happen either.  I don't really want to address it via phone/email because I always feel in-person is better. 

atcwag

Ahhhhh....why!

DunkinDecaf

Yeah, so basically...


I don't really have anything else to add, because it sounds like you've pretty much got a handle on it. Tell her all the reasons you've said here why it's totally unacceptable to bring a rando to work with her, and how it would make any parent (or person) super nervous to have a stranger in their home all day.

edited because words are hard.

Chcaggie1

You sound like a very sweet person that cares about others feelings so I think you'll do a great job of presenting this to her. I would say speak from your heart and let her know you do not appreciate this happening. Also try to assume the best... Maybe she thought since you were fine with the niece then a friend wouldn't be a problem???not very good logic but perhaps. Good luck!

SRJR2013

Like whoa bro! Is it bring your friend to work day? I am so confused as to why she thought this was okay. But sounds like you got a handle on. I wish you luck! 

muybueno

First of all, don't feel badly because we all have days we look back on and wish we'd made different choices w our kids.

I've employed 4 nannies in the past 3.5 yrs (we move a lot) and I can't stress enough the importance of clear communication. It's definitely uncomfortable but you have to say what's on your mind and make your expectations clear. The tricky part is when they do something you didn't spell out in advance because you didn't think you needed to. My nanny is awesome but she makes random immature decisions that I'm not expecting- like referring to my preschooler's bottom as a "butt" to him. I had to say "we think that language is too mature for him so please call it a bottom or buns or backside." Tamer than your sich but you get my drift. There's a ton of stuff like that which you can't spell out in advance so when it happens you just gotta suck it up and clarify that you're not comfortable. 

Dont beat yourself up. If it was me, I'd shoot her a text tonight so she doesn't show up w her friend tomorrow. Maybe "hey, let's talk about this tomorrow but I'm not comfortable with people I don't know in the house while I'm gone so please come alone tomorrow."

TheBorg7of9

Fired

Knottie1458416769

Time for nanny cams hidden inside teddy bears! Or Nest home video surveillance. And a new nanny. 

LikeICantEven

I keep thinking about background checks. Like why would this woman think you would be okay with someone else around your kids who you know nothing about? I assume you ran one on her, why would the rules not apply to her friend? Weird.

How did the talk go @atcwag

whaat

@muybueno why is "butt" too mature? Honestly wondering. Because I would for sure call it a butt unless someone spelled that out to me as a rule.  

muybueno

For the PP's saying "fired" or new nanny- it's not that easy. Finding someone you like and trust, and who meshes with your kids and your family is not easy. Add to that the fact that your kiddo gets used to someone and comfortable with them. Finding a new nanny and onboarding them can be incredibly time consuming and oddly emotionally taxing. 

I have and would fire someone that I had serious doubt abouts, but if you find a good nanny, it's worth working through issues that will inevitably arise.

muybueno

whaat said:

@muybueno why is "butt" too mature? Honestly wondering. Because I would for sure call it a butt unless someone spelled that out to me as a rule.  

In my opinion, it's not a polite way for a young child to refer to their backside. Also, around age 3 or 4, most kids want to start in with the "potty talk"- making jokes that involve poop or other people being smelly, etc. So it's more likely that my 3 year-old would start referring to other kids' behinds as "butts," which I definitely don't want him doing. It's just a parenting choice.

Your question speaks to my point exactly. You would use "butt" with a kid, while I wouldn't. That's MY expectation but there's no way I'd think to spell that out before you started taking care of my kids (to use the nanny example). Nannies will always do stuff that you don't think to specify in their contract or during their training period, so it's good to confront them about it when it comes up.

atcwag 
Do you have an update for us? What happened today? Did she bring her friend AND her boyfriend? Hope it's going better for you...

Edit: more ideas

atcwag

Update - Yes, she brought her again today. Because we otherwise are happy with her, I chose not to make a big deal about it, but will address to a further extent should the situation arise again. She did explain a bit further today. She is having surgery tomorrow (I knew about this). Friend is here to help her after surgery. Totally understandable and, again, I would have understood had she just given us a heads up. 
I also think firing her is jumping the gun, as are nanny cams, etc. We are otherwise happy with her and have no reason to believe her untrustworthy, etc. 

muybueno

atcwag said:

Update - Yes, she brought her again today. Because we otherwise are happy with her, I chose not to make a big deal about it, but will address to a further extent should the situation arise again. She did explain a bit further today. She is having surgery tomorrow (I knew about this). Friend is here to help her after surgery. Totally understandable and, again, I would have understood had she just given us a heads up. 
I also think firing her is jumping the gun, as are nanny cams, etc. We are otherwise happy with her and have no reason to believe her untrustworthy, etc. 

You sound like a reasonable employer Glad she has a good excuse. But yeah, she still should have asked and not assumed.

whaat

@muybueno heard. And I get it. It's definitely weird when you have to spell out things that are obvious to you (whatever they are) because we all often assume that everyone thinks the way we do, which isn't always the case. And things that are obvious to you are often things you DON'T think about, which makes reminding others even more difficult.

Dawson56

No... Random people cannot be around my kids and random people cannot be in my house.  We would be having a nice long talk the next day that she came over. 

TheBorg7of9

muybueno said:

For the PP's saying "fired" or new nanny- it's not that easy. Finding someone you like and trust, and who meshes with your kids and your family is not easy. Add to that the fact that your kiddo gets used to someone and comfortable with them. Finding a new nanny and onboarding them can be incredibly time consuming and oddly emotionally taxing. 

I have and would fire someone that I had serious doubt abouts, but if you find a good nanny, it's worth working through issues that will inevitably arise.

I know it's not easy. I have fired a nanny before. And the new one we got was so much better. And then you can tell her the rules from the beginning. Anyone who would think this is ok, I would not trust their judgement. 

whaat

(sorry this keeps happening, I have to post something to fix a glitch on the app)