Spanking? Is this seriously still this common?

DunkinDecaf

So, I was just bouncing around the Nurture by Glow app (which, to be fair, has a notoriously bananas community) and I was shocked to see the results of this poll. I know first tri is a bit early for us to be talking about parenting/discipline but still. I would never have guessed that "no" would be the minority response on this one. Thoughts?

mrsmoose5

Sadly, I think it is still very common. DH comes from a spanking family, and my SIL spanks her kids and even jokes about "beating the shit" out of them. It's awful for me. I come from a non-spanking family, and am adamant about never spanking my children. DS is young enough that this conversation has never come up around DH's family, but I know I will be the black sheep in the family for my non-spanking stance. Oh well. We're also going to have to have a talk with my MIL because she will spank my SIL's kids when she is watching them, so we have to tell that she is never to use that type of discipline with our kids when she watches them. Awkward ...

whaat

I don't know anything about that community, but I couldn't help but laugh that a community that supports spanking is using the "nurture by glow" app. Sounds like it should be a bunch of peaceful yoga hippies.

GreenEyedUnicorn

Spanking, and abusing, are two different things. And I think people don't get that. I'm well aware not everyone will agree with me, and I'm perfectly fine with that. 

PurpleBrunette

I will agree with PP as I expect that a few swats may be handed down to my future children. 

ShallowSeas

I agree with @GreenEyedUnicorn, there's a difference between spanking and abuse or beating the shit out of a child for no reason. I was spanked as a child and I can tell you with honesty that I never felt 'abused' just because I had a hand across my butt a few times.  To each their own. While I don't agree with spanking, as a Social Worker myself, I definitely don't believe it falls in the category of 'abuse' or extreme parenting.  

I personally don't see the 'benefit' in spanking.  I don't see how it can be helpful with behaviors and don't plan on spanking my own children. 

DunkinDecaf

@GreenEyedUnicornI totally agree that spanking isn't *usually* abuse. Still though, I can't imagine spanking my kids and then trying to teach them that violence is never the right choice.

Also, yeah @whaatit does sound like it should be a bunch of hippies. Not the case, though. They're pretty much even-worse babycenter. Apart from the community it's a great app, though!

@mrsmoose5 yikes. Good luck with that conversation....

Hedgessm

This should quickly devolve into the drama everyone has been looking for. I suggest anyone who is considering spanking to do their research. You'll probably change your mind. 

Greencows4812

@GreenEyedUnicorn I agree. I was spanked and so was DH. I never felt abused or unloved. 

whaat

I was spanked occasionally by my mom. It was unpredictable. I think it was when she lost control, and it was obvious. She was young and stressed and I get it, but I want to try to avoid that look with my kids.

TheBorg7of9

How can you teach your kid not to hit by hitting them?

srcr2011

I'm seriously tired of this topic. People's opinions aren't going to change other's. It's a topic between the parents of the child. You do your parenting (whatever it is) and I'll do mine (whatever it is).  In the end, you will know  what is right for your family. 

GreenEyedUnicorn

srcr2011 said:

I'm seriously tired of this topic. People's opinions aren't going to change other's. It's a topic between the parents of the child. You do your parenting (whatever it is) and I'll do mine (whatever it is).  In the end, you will know  what is right for your family. 

Even worse than this one, is the circumcision topic, in my opinion. I fucking HATE when that discussion rolls out (I'm pro circumcision). 

shamrocandroll

Okay... spanking is one thing, and I'm still not really in a position to place judgement on people who do spank their kids since I haven't experienced parenting yet, but "Biting... I would probably end up smacking her mouth."???  Seriously?  You're going to hit your kid in the mouth?  I guess she can't bite anymore if she doesn't have teeth... so congratulations?  Good luck teaching your kid not to be violent.

tvh1982

I think it is a very common thing overseas...and the line between spankin and proper hitting their children is a very thin line...that oh so many cross. 
I'm against it. I got raised that if you need to use your hands to make a point you have lost. A child should not fear a hand that get raised because it 'might' get spanked. 
And I definitely do not agree with the "it's between the parent and the child" because the child has little to say on this matter.

TheBorg7of9

Even if you think it's not "abuse" that doesn't make it into good parenting. 

srcr2011

I agree, that's weird and abuse to me. Even the word "smack" is horrible. 

srcr2011

Please don't "smack" your child 

Greencows4812

GreenEyedUnicorn said:

srcr2011 said:

I'm seriously tired of this topic. People's opinions aren't going to change other's. It's a topic between the parents of the child. You do your parenting (whatever it is) and I'll do mine (whatever it is).  In the end, you will know  what is right for your family. 

Even worse than this one, is the circumcision topic, in my opinion. I fucking HATE when that discussion rolls out (I'm pro circumcision). 

I can't stand the circumcision topic! These are such personal decisions and should be made with your SO. People can get so worked up and rude, I hate it.

srcr2011

tvh1982 said:

I think it is a very common thing overseas...and the line between spankin and proper hitting their children is a very thin line...that oh so many cross. 
I'm against it. I got raised that if you need to use your hands to make a point you have lost. A child should not fear a hand that get raised because it 'might' get spanked. 
And I definitely do not agree with the "it's between the parent and the child" because the child has little to say on this matter.

 That's dumb, the child has little to say on many parenting topics, but that's what parents do, make those tough decisions and hope we don't screw them up too bad. In the end, aren't we all doing  our best? 

tvh1982

srcr2011 said:

tvh1982 said:

I think it is a very common thing overseas...and the line between spankin and proper hitting their children is a very thin line...that oh so many cross. 
I'm against it. I got raised that if you need to use your hands to make a point you have lost. A child should not fear a hand that get raised because it 'might' get spanked. 
And I definitely do not agree with the "it's between the parent and the child" because the child has little to say on this matter.

 That's dumb, the child has little to say on many parenting topics, but that's what parents do, make those tough decisions and hope we don't screw them up too bad. In the end, aren't we all doing  our best? 

That's dumb? Thats your reply on my opinion?
How come my answer doesn't categories your 'in the end aren't we all doing our best?' 
Is it because I don't agree with yours and think spanking is not in any way in favour of a child? 
Of course we all want to give our best and do our best, and there will be rules one parent has that a child wouldn't agree with as they would think it's ok to stay up late, or eat candy for dinner, or wear shorts in winter, ... but I truly believe no child likes to get spanked and thinks 'ah well, it's good for me, I need it'

grannysmith912

Just curious, does anyone have links to or suggestions for good, thought-out resources on the topic, from either perspective? I'm not trying to be snarky--I really would like to learn more, and I don't trust Google to give me any trustworthy answers. H and I were both raised in spanking families and don't remember anything problematic about it (plus, most people in our social circles spank), so we automatically lean in that direction, but we're first-time parents and haven't "done our research" or even really discussed it. I don't know that I could give a cogent argument either way.

tvh1982

I don't know @grannysmith912 I just now here in Europe most countries have laws against it. 
So I find it very difficult to see the advantage in it as I haven't grown up with it, and am/was shocked when I see it happening.

Do wonder though, those who think spankin is ok...do you accept others spanking your child too? Teachers, family members, ...?

Cause I would think that if you approve of spanking, your reason for when it's ok, can't be all the same...and some may spank for less reason then others... How would you handle that?

TrulyBlessed22

@GreenEyedUnicorn and @greencows4812 on that same note how about piercing a baby's ears.  That's one I hate.  People are very overly opinionated on that one.  I remember when I posted about piercing DD's ears on my last BMB and was warned in the very first reply that it would probably get ugly and I remember being confused because for me it's a very common thing to pierce early (I'm Latina).  Not saying all Latinos feel the same way but I think it's safe to say that most Latino's pierce early - it's a cultural thing.  Anyway, people went to town, not flaming, but just being extremely judgey and again I was confused because for me it is considered very normal within my family.  

mrsmoose5

@grannysmith912 I've read the books The Whole-Brain Child, No Bad Kids, and No-Drama Discipline and highly recommend them. Janet Lansbury, the author of No Bad Kids, has a really good website: janetlansbury.com.

Edit: missed a word

srcr2011

:

tvh1982 said:

I think it is a very common thing overseas...and the line between spankin and proper hitting their children is a very thin line...that oh so many cross. 
I'm against it. I got raised that if you need to use your hands to make a point you have lost. A child should not fear a hand that get raised because it 'might' get spanked. 
And I definitely do not agree with the "it's between the parent and the child" because the child has little to say on this matter.

 That's dumb, the child has little to say on many parenting topics, but that's what parents do, make those tough decisions and hope we don't screw them up too bad. In the end, aren't we all doing  our best? 

That's dumb? Thats your reply on my opinion?
How come my answer doesn't categories your 'in the end aren't we all doing our best?' 
Is it because I don't agree with yours and think spanking is not in any way in favour of a child? 
Of course we all want to give our best and do our best, and there will be rules one parent has that a child wouldn't agree with as they would think it's ok to stay up late, or eat candy for dinner, or wear shorts in winter, ... but I truly believe no child likes to get spanked and thinks 'ah well, it's good for me, I need it'


----------quote fail-----
First of all I said it's dumb because , you quoted me wrong (it would have  been wrong to say you're dumb). I  never said it's between the parents and child. I said it's between the parent  OF the child. Second, of course no kid is going to say they want or agree with a spanking OR time out, or whatever punishment may be but, that's the difference between being the parent and being the child. I agree the parents have the final say. Young children usually don't make the best  choices and need guidance. 

comealongponds

XmomX

Here we go! Our first "fight". 

Greencows4812

TrulyBlessed22 said:

@GreenEyedUnicorn and @greencows4812 on that same note how about piercing a baby's ears.  That's one I hate.  People are very overly opinionated on that one.  I remember when I posted about piercing DD's ears on my last BMB and was warned in the very first reply that it would probably get ugly and I remember being confused because for me it's a very common thing to pierce early (I'm Latina).  Not saying all Latinos feel the same way but I think it's safe to say that most Latino's pierce early - it's a cultural thing.  Anyway, people went to town, not flaming, but just being extremely judgey and again I was confused because for me it is considered very normal within my family.  

Ugh yes to this one too. I'm not Latina but everyone I know had theirs done very young so that's normal to me. 

tvh1982

srcr2011 said:

:

tvh1982 said:

I think it is a very common thing overseas...and the line between spankin and proper hitting their children is a very thin line...that oh so many cross. 
I'm against it. I got raised that if you need to use your hands to make a point you have lost. A child should not fear a hand that get raised because it 'might' get spanked. 
And I definitely do not agree with the "it's between the parent and the child" because the child has little to say on this matter.

 That's dumb, the child has little to say on many parenting topics, but that's what parents do, make those tough decisions and hope we don't screw them up too bad. In the end, aren't we all doing  our best? 

That's dumb? Thats your reply on my opinion?
How come my answer doesn't categories your 'in the end aren't we all doing our best?' 
Is it because I don't agree with yours and think spanking is not in any way in favour of a child? 
Of course we all want to give our best and do our best, and there will be rules one parent has that a child wouldn't agree with as they would think it's ok to stay up late, or eat candy for dinner, or wear shorts in winter, ... but I truly believe no child likes to get spanked and thinks 'ah well, it's good for me, I need it'


----------quote fail-----
First of all, you quoted me wrong.  Of course

I don't give a rats ass...

tvh1982

I see I need to apologise about the 'rats ass' comment @srcr2011 as I only received the 'you quoted wrong, ..of course' and I thought you were being petty about me using the button 'quote' wrong.

I see now the difference in your sentence with the 'AND' and 'OF'. 
Still don't agree in your opinion, but see the difference in writing.

therealvday

I am of the opinion to "never say never" about anything, especially what your plans are when it comes to parenting. I will be a first time mother and, to be honest, I won't have a clue what I'm doing. But whatever I feel is best in the moment is the course of action that I will take and that may very well be spanking.

I am anti-abuse (obviously) but not necessarily anti-spanking. I was spanked/slapped growing up and I think I'm stable enough. I would like spanking to be an absolute last resort and I would love to say that I will never spank my child but I really can't say for sure.

srcr2011

tvh1982 said:

I see I need to apologise about the 'rats ass' comment @srcr2011 as I only received the 'you quoted wrong, ..of course' and I thought you were being petty about me using the button 'quote' wrong.

I see now the difference in your sentence with the 'AND' and 'OF'. 
Still don't agree in your opinion, but see the difference in writing.

 No harm done. I'm not going to lose sleep  over the different opinions of others. Different strokes for different folks.  What works for some may not work for others. That's what makes the world  go round  Andplusalso,  I never said I agree or disagree with spanking.

Chcaggie1

wow. this thread is interesting, lol. Its funny bc I was originally surprised to see the surprise of the original poster that "so many" parents believe in spanking. When I read the original post I was intrigued that the poll was actually a pretty even split. I live in the south and feel like spanking is fairly common here. My parents spanked but my sister and I rarely actually received spankings we just knew it could happen and that was enough to keep us in line. I consider myself to a rather stable and wonderful adult and have therefore concluded that done "correctly" and loving there is absolutely nothing wrong with spanking. Hubby and I agreed before our first son came that we would not be opposed to spanking. However, we would try other avenues of discipline first and if those don't work then we would be open to spanking. I don't think there is one discipline method that is perfect for all children. I think you have to consider the personality of the child. Thanks to the pp that shared the books! Our son just turned 1 so its time for us to start reading up on the best way to handle tantrums etc! I will be buying some of the books you recommended for sure!

LikeICantEven

I was raised being spanked. It transitioned into a much more intensive abuse, so, I think of it as a gateway method (haha)

I just think in this day and age there are SO many other methods of correcting bad behavior. Using a tool like spanking to remedy a situation seems lazy to me. It makes no sense to me to hurt your child and teach them that fear of pain will discipline them. Just my opinion. 

DunkinDecaf

@Chcaggie1I think it's certainly also a regional thing, which probably contributed to my surprise. In my neck of the woods (Boston area) it's quite uncommon, generally frowned upon, and people certainly get judgey with parents who choose to do it.

That being said, my husband was spanked as a kid and it didn't do him any harm. Like people have said, it isn't as if he was abused. I just think it's a deeply, deeply flawed parenting choice and I am (obviously) opposed to it.

mrsmoose5

For anyone who is undecided about spanking or just looking for resources relating to child discipline, I'll leave these here:

https://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html
https://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2013/09/kids-in-house-spanking-and-preschoolers.html
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

The books I mentioned in my previous post are also incredible.

If you're already firmly in the spanking camp, that's fine. Everyone does things differently and that's ok with me. I just wanted to leave some resources for those who might want some reading material on the subject. I know I was at a loss when DS turned 1 and started testing boundaries and I definitely needed to do some serious research to figure out how to deal with it in a way that felt right for us.

Edit: Disclaimer: I'm not saying I agree 100% with everything that is said in each one of these articles. In fact, some of them contradict each other in small ways (i.e. time outs vs. no time outs). I just think they are good resources and a good place to start thinking about the subject.

Justpeachier13

We were spanked with a paddle not a hand. I've never been violent. I don't think that's a valid coorelation. I'm sure if some violent kids had been spanked, they might be acting less foolish! I have been a teacher and I know quite well the behavior difference between the time out kids and the I'm gonna whoop your ass kids. Nothing better than a parent teacher conference with a "I'm gonna whoop your ass" parent. I can see myself swatting my kids bottom but never using a paddle. Not my personality style. Either way, I feel confident I can teach my child not to be violent either way. Grounding them can be just as isolating and damaging as spanking. Abuse happens in many different forms. 

aquasocks

It's pretty common where I live (the deep South) and to answer one person, I know many people who are ok with a family member or close friend spanking their child.

In fact there is a school here (Catholic, all male, predominately black, grades 6-12) that allowed corporal punishment (paddling mostly) until 2011 when the archbishop banned it. The overwhelming majority of parents AND students protested and wanted to keep it. They felt it was important to their culture and traditions.

Personally, it would not be the best form of discipline for my child and I would never be comfortable spanking any kid.

Justpeachier13

That could definitely contribute to differing opinions. I'm from Georgia, @aquasocks and we were spanked in public schools until I was in 8th grade!!! Being spanked by your principal felt more embarrassing than violent. 

DunkinDecaf

Justpeachier13 said:

We were spanked with a paddle not a hand. I've never been violent. I don't think that's a valid coorelation. I'm sure if some violent kids had been spanked, they might be acting less foolish! I have been a teacher and I know quite well the behavior difference between the time out kids and the I'm gonna whoop your ass kids. Nothing better than a parent teacher conference with a "I'm gonna whoop your ass" parent. I can see myself swatting my kids bottom but never using a paddle. Not my personality style. Either way, I feel confident I can teach my child not to be violent either way. Grounding them can be just as isolating and damaging as spanking. Abuse happens in many different forms. 

No one said there was a correlation between spanking and kids growing up to be violent people.