How would you feel? Handle this? (Losses mentioned)

canonmom413

Back story. I have had two MCs. One after my oldest and one after my second.  We have not had a 3rd but currently are TTC. 

Other back story. My SIL had a cancer scare at 24 and had a full hysterectomy.  She had egg retrieval and 3 embryos frozen ( 13 were essentially retrieved but only 3 took). Serrogacy or adoption are their only options. 

My girls are 8 and 5 (almost 9 and 6). Honestly we held off TTC after our last MC because we knew SIL would be sad. Low and behold this past summer , she asked me if I would consider being a serrogate. She didn't know of my MCs. I told her about them and told her that I would feel terrible if anything were to happen and it be there ONLY chance. It's different when it's your own, you grieve on your own terms. But to be the source of someone else's loss , was unfathomable to me. Another downfall was they are 2 states away (3 hours). All my dr appts , the hospital.... Etc, she'd miss it all. 

DH and I are at a point where we really really want another baby. Try for that boy just one more time. Hold that baby girl if that's the case, one more time. My girls are getting older and I really regret not trying sooner, but wanted to take SILs feelings into consideration. 

Here we are 3 months into TTC ourselves and so far no such luck (FXd for the 6th!) 

im just not sure how to feel or handle this. DH says this is OUR family and we can do as we please. That his sister cannot make us feel guilty about it. she's an amazing aunt. An amazing person. It's so hard. How do I handle this when and if we are to blessed with another soon?  

kiwieloping

Tough situ for sure.  I would just have an open and honest conversation with your SIL.  
 
Ultimately if you want another child you should go for it.  Sounds like you are already doing it since you have been for 3 months.  

Also, it is best practice to add a ticker warning if you mention something in a post that may be hard for others to read (like a loss).  

BostonBaby1

canonmom413 said:

Back story. I have had two MCs. One after my oldest and one after my second.  We have not had a 3rd but currently are TTC. 

Other back story. My SIL had a cancer scare at 24 and had a full hysterectomy.  She had egg retrieval and 3 embryos frozen ( 13 were essentially retrieved but only 3 took). Serrogacy or adoption are their only options. 

My girls are 8 and 5 (almost 9 and 6). Honestly we held off TTC after our last MC because we knew SIL would be sad. Low and behold this past summer , she asked me if I would consider being a serrogate. She didn't know of my MCs. I told her about them and told her that I would feel terrible if anything were to happen and it be there ONLY chance. It's different when it's your own, you grieve on your own terms. But to be the source of someone else's loss , was unfathomable to me. Another downfall was they are 2 states away (3 hours). All my dr appts , the hospital.... Etc, she'd miss it all. 

DH and I are at a point where we really really want another baby. Try for that boy just one more time. Hold that baby girl if that's the case, one more time. My girls are getting older and I really regret not trying sooner, but wanted to take SILs feelings into consideration. 

Here we are 3 months into TTC ourselves and so far no such luck (FXd for the 6th!) 

im just not sure how to feel or handle this. DH says this is OUR family and we can do as we please. That his sister cannot make us feel guilty about it. she's an amazing aunt. An amazing person. It's so hard. How do I handle this when and if we are to blessed with another soon?  

*lurking* and ETA- TW- losses mentioned.*

First, I'm very sorry for your losses. I think it is a VERY delicate situation but having had multiple losses myself, I fully understand your hesitation to not want that responsibility on your body when you don't know why you lost your other pregnancies. If it weren't for your losses, would you be a gestational carrier for her? If so, maybe you can try after you are done having your own. If not, I suggest you have a heart to heart with her and let her move on with other options.

canonmom413

I'm sorry I didn't know. Still catching up on the guidelines post etc. I'll figure out how to do that.  

Liss_37

sorry about your losses.
sounds to me like the SIL isn't the one making you feel guilty, that's just something within yourself that you need to work on. 
No one can say how she may feel or react if you have another child, but her feelings are hers to own and ditto to you. 

wintersong

Sorry for your loss.

Your husband is right. Surrogacy is NOT something you do when you have any qualms at all. 

I would be straightforward. Explain that you have to say no because of these two reasons. Its okay for you to say no for "selfish" reasons like wanting another of your own. Understand that she may feel upset and feel like it's unfair for you to want more when she can't have one. She might even act out or speak harshly. I would advise you to try not to let it hurt your feelings if she does, try to be empathetic if you can. But stick to your guns. 

If you do get pregnant, make sure when you do announce you tell her directly and gently so that she doesn't hear it from someone else.

kiwieloping

canonmom413 said:

I'm sorry I didn't know. Still catching up on the guidelines post etc. I'll figure out how to do that.  

No worries.  There is definitely a learning curve here.  Most people just write something like this on the top of their post:

** TW - loss mentioned ** 

The newbie thread is long but very helpful  

canonmom413

Yes, this very well may be true. Maybe it's my own guilt of not being able to help her. Or that she has to experience that at all. Don't get me wrong , we are TTC, but lately have been thinking more and more about how to "break the news" should a BFP arise soon. 

MrsFL2015

You're a great person for considering your SIL feelings; however, I do agree with your husband.   You have a history of MC and you have acknowledged that's something you don't want someone else to experience.  I think your reasons for not being a surrogate are valid.  You also want another child of your own and that's OK too.  If you don't try for another child, you may regret it in the future.  Do you want to feel like you missed out on having another child because you were too concerned with hurting another person's feelings?  In the end, you'll end up hurting yourself too.  

Has your SIL acknowledged that you're not comfortable with being a surrogate?  If not, then I think it's time that you have another discussion with her stating that you're just not comfortable with the situation.  As much as she wants a child (and I sympathize with her), she can't be upset if someone doesn't want to take on that responsibility.  It's a big and very personal decision.  She also has to respect your feelings and desire to grow your own family too.   

canonmom413

longliveregina said:

Sorry for your loss.

Your husband is right. Surrogacy is NOT something you do when you have any qualms at all. 

I would be straightforward. Explain that you have to say no because of these two reasons. Its okay for you to say no for "selfish" reasons like wanting another of your own. Understand that she may feel upset and feel like it's unfair for you to want more when she can't have one. She might even act out or speak harshly. I would advise you to try not to let it hurt your feelings if she does, try to be empathetic if you can. But stick to your guns. 

If you do get pregnant, make sure when you do announce you tell her directly and gently so that she doesn't hear it from someone else.

Thank you.  This was very helpful. 

canonmom413

MrsFL2015 said:

You're a great person for considering your SIL feelings; however, I do agree with your husband.   You have a history of MC and you have acknowledged that's something you don't want someone else to experience.  I think your reasons for not being a surrogate is valid.  You also want another child of your own and that's OK too.  In years to come, you'd never want to regret not trying for another child because of someone else's feelings.   

Has your SIL acknowledged that you're not comfortable with being a surrogate?  If not, then I think it's time that you have another discussion with her stating that you're just not comfortable with the situation.  As much as she wants a child (and I sympathize with her), she can't be upset if someone doesn't want to take on that responsibility.  It's a big and very personal decision.  She also has to respect your feelings and desire to grow your own family too.   

She has acknowledged when we first spoke. She said she understood but I could hear the sadness and disappointment in her words. I guess I need to just breathe and not let anxiety of the situation be so meddlesome. 

redheeler

disregarding the losses (not that it's ever easy to do that) and the fact that you are currently TTC your own, what would your answer be?
it might be worth discussing with her exactly what your concerns are, and the fact that you would like to have your own child first, making sure you explain that a healthy couple can take up to a year to conceive. If you're considering it after having your 3rd then make sure she is aware that it will be 3yrs in the future that you can even consider it, and make sure she is willing to wait that long. (12months to conceive, 9 months to carry, 12 months if bfing or if a c-section is needed.)
if you and her both want to go down this path then you both need to be aware of the likely timeline, maybe it would be worth a group discussion with her or your doctor as well.

msirni0

i think that you being worried about miscarriage is a valid concern. I can imagine you would feel guilt if you were to go through with it and something were to happen. I'm sure your SIL is sad, but I'm sure she will understand eventually (if she doesn't already) your concerns.

i can offer some insight on how to tell her if and when you get your BFP bc I have been in her shoes. ***TW loss mentioned*** My BIL and SIL have a 2 year old that they conceived very easily, prior to my husband and I starting our TTC journey. We are suffering from unexplained infertility. They got pregnant in January, and told my husband and I very soon after taking the pregnancy test (before going to the doctor). It was extremely difficult for me to be around them. It's not their fault, but I had some of my own feelings to sort out about that. I knew it would be difficult for me to watch her grow her family while I was struggling for one. However, it was something that I needed to work through on my own. They unfortunately ended up having a chemical pregnancy. But I was starting to come around before that happened. I think if you tell your SIL directly (not in a "cutesy" manner) and then give her space to process it, that would be the best way to tell her. Even though it was incredibly difficult for me when she told me and I cried for days, I also can't expect them to put their lives on hold for my feelings. That's not fair. you need to do what's best for you and your family. She will hopefully understand, even if it's hard for her to get there. I hope that was helpful and makes sense haha it's still early.

canonmom413

msirni0 said:

i think that you being worried about miscarriage is a valid concern. I can imagine you would feel guilt if you were to go through with it and something were to happen. I'm sure your SIL is sad, but I'm sure she will understand eventually (if she doesn't already) your concerns.

i can offer some insight on how to tell her if and when you get your BFP bc I have been in her shoes. ***TW loss mentioned*** My BIL and SIL have a 2 year old that they conceived very easily, prior to my husband and I starting our TTC journey. We are suffering from unexplained infertility. They got pregnant in January, and told my husband and I very soon after taking the pregnancy test (before going to the doctor). It was extremely difficult for me to be around them. It's not their fault, but I had some of my own feelings to sort out about that. I knew it would be difficult for me to watch her grow her family while I was struggling for one. However, it was something that I needed to work through on my own. They unfortunately ended up having a chemical pregnancy. But I was starting to come around before that happened. I think if you tell your SIL directly (not in a "cutesy" manner) and then give her space to process it, that would be the best way to tell her. Even though it was incredibly difficult for me when she told me and I cried for days, I also can't expect them to put their lives on hold for my feelings. That's not fair. you need to do what's best for you and your family. She will hopefully understand, even if it's hard for her to get there. I hope that was helpful and makes sense haha it's still early.

Thank you for giving me insight from "the other side". I am a firm believer of no news broadcast to friends and family until the first appt, or even a few weeks after. Hence why a lot of people do not know our history. I figured the best way is to be on the phone or in person. I personally want to leave that to her brother (DH). He knows how to handle her better, stay strong, and be honest. I, on the other hand would be right there crying with her, if that was the case. 

chickyclg

I would basically keep it to the MC issue, we looked into a gestational carrier (my SIL) and our RE would have refused someone that had multiple losses.  

Concerning your multiple losses and TTC, have you had a RPL?  If not I highly recommend it.