Emotional cheating — The Bump
January 2016 Moms

Emotional cheating

For the past couple of weeks I've had a gut feeling that my husband has been hiding things. He locked his phone to a fingerprint access, he never let's it leave his side and when it goes off 100x in an hour he says it's just sports updates. Well the other day I seen it lying on the table and it was unlocked because he had just used the flashlight I opened it to see he's using kik  (a text app) to speak to a woman. I didn't recognize her name. I screenshotted it and sent it to myself and I thought I had deleted the screenshot. The next day kik was deleted from his phone. I confronted him about it and he lied to my face. And today after I made him sleep on the couch he told me how he feels terrible about himself and he was talking to her for attention and hed never do it again. if it werent for my son i would have left last night and been a wreck. but because of my son i know i cant do that.. i cant talk to anyone in our family and i dont have very many close girlfriends i can talk to about this. I'm hurt...and angry. If you were me what would you do? im currently only speaking to him about the baby. do you consider this cheating? im not sure what to even think at this point...

Re: Emotional cheating

  •  If it were me I would talk to him and figure out what happened. If that's impossible I would probably seek therapy. Even if I knew the truth I would probably seek therapy anyway just to figure out why he needs attention outside of the marriage. Moving out seems extreme until you've talked it over with him and figured out what's going on. 
    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerMarried DW <3 08.2013; AI 2x; IUI 6x; IUI #7 05.2015; DD born 2.2016 o:); Reciprocal IVF FET #1 on 11.18.2020 
    ctmamaoftwoMonilee1017PedsIsHardcorefragglemom
  • AchaeAchae member
    I wouldn't consider it cheating, however him being dishonest about it would bother me. Although since he admits to feeling guilty about it I could see being angry about it. Hopefully you can communicate with each other and see why he felt the need to use the app. Do you need a date night so you can both have "adult" conversations with a baby around? I know a lot of the time all my husband and I talk about is the kids, it can be suffocating and feel like you've lost your sense of self!
    ctmamaoftwo
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  • I wouldn't consider this "cheating," but it would definitely piss me the eff off, and I'd be seriously worried about my marriage. Not saying you should be, but that's how I would feel. I know that once this baby was born (2nd baby) my husband became withdrawn and seemed depressed... nothing made him happy, everything was a chore... We discussed it and it's since gotten much better with time. A new baby can totally change the dynamics of a marriage in ways you never even thought about, even if you're trying to keep things the same as best you can. I wonder if he did what he did because he's feeling shaken up by the new baby and didn't know how to handle it and went looking for something exciting and to get attention, like he said. I would be wondering what else he's been hiding (if anything) and what he's going to do to fix this. I totally think emotional affairs are *almost* as bad as physical. Totally not ok. At all.
    bella2210
  • Whether or not it's cheating would really depend on the content of the text messages at least to me. Regardless of that I would consider communicating with another woman in secret a violation of trust. While it is completely understandable that he feels he isn't getting the same attention he used to I feel like that comes with the territory of where our lives are at right now with new babies and is unlikely to change in the near future. I agree with PP who suggested potential therapy to work through this issue and figure out how/if you move forward with the relationship.
    Blueyedsky
  • I think I would personally consider this cheating. If the roles were reversed, how would he feel? Regardless of the fact that it may just be "emotional", in my eyes that's just as bad as it being physical. Instead of him seeking attention from another woman he should be more understanding of the hard work that goes into taking care of a baby and sometimes we lack in paying attention to our significant others. It could be tough at times and the agruments are definitely kicked up a notch but that doesnt give him the right to be selfish. You deserve loyalty. 
    bella2210
  • I think cheating is different for everyone. He was dishonest which is not okay. After a baby, it is the most trying time for a relationship. I would consider therapy. My advice is to not talk about only your son, communicate how you both feel. Good luck
  • My heart goes out to you. I've been lied to and cheated on. It was 4 years ago. We worked it out but it took years to get over and trust again.  Every situation is different. Relationships can be salvaged with hard work and honesty if both parties are willing. 
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