Emotionally reeling post D&E

JDMRS

I had the D&E done Friday. I finally started bleeding heavily on Wednesday-2nd trip to the ER in 5 days- the cramping, passing clots and the general awfulness of know that despite such active miscarrying the embryo and sac weren't going anywhere, my substitute OB got me into late Friday for the D&E. She took wonderful care of me and now I'm not in constant physical pain from trying to pass the miscarriage naturally. I miss my pregnancy symptoms but I know that as they subside, I'm getting closer to physically recovering. I was reading the post-op instructions and it says I can return to normal activities as my body allows but I don't even know what those are anymore. Before we suspected the loss, we would be packing the house up to get ready to sell it but we are putting that on hold because I'm terrified of the what ifs, especially being stuck in a 3 bedroom house in the suburbs  with no babies to fill it. Or we would be talking about baby names, researching day cares and pediatricians. Yesterday we went for a walk with our dog and someone in our neighborhood was having a gender reveal party which reduced me to a sobbing mess. I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I am a law clerk and I work on termination of parental rights cases- so all I see is kids who have terrible parents and even before this loss it was painful but now it's even worse. I don't want to be stuck with anymore needles but I know there will be a beta draw this week. sorry that this is long and rambling-I needed to get it off my chest to someone other than my husband. Thank you for being such a supportive community- I hate that each and every one of us is here.

lilylover27

@jdmrs I am very sorry you are going through the this. I chose the do the medicine induced miscarriage and have to go back in two weeks to make sure everything passed, the wait will kill me. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. One moment I am good and I just hear someone mention October which would of been the birth month and I sob. I can't even listen to some songs due to the fact we heard them the same day we found out we were expecting. I complete understand needing to vent to someone other than DH. Mine has been great and my rock but there is still a limit because while he was there he didn't physically go through it. That it is great to have this community. I hope this will soon pass for you and things will get back to normalish at least. We are here for you.

MooFish2364

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. It's hard when things trigger such raw emotions. Just when I think I'm over the hump of sadness something else happens that brings it all back into the forefront. My job doesn't have anything to do with kids but it was still hard to go back. I can imagine how hard it is to see parents who don't even care for their children just take it all for granted. That has defiantly been a trigger for me. Just try to be patient with yourself and yoir healing.

1inthehopper

Im very sorry for your loss. I work in the legal field too, specially family law and I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to go back to work and talk about children all day.  I think all the physical pain adds insult to injury when you're already emotionally hurting too.  It's all so devastating and unfair. 

BrightenMySky

I am so sorry for your loss.  Hugs.  I was a law clerk and worked on some TPR cases (although not exclusively), they are tough even when you are in the best place yourself, nevermind after a loss.  In terms of returning to normal activities, I really think you find a new normal and give yourself time to heal.  Do you have any flexibility to take sick leave (maybe to work shorter days) or work from home?

RiverSong15

I don't have much advice, but wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. 

KarenBeth714

I'm so sorry for your loss and I can relate. My d&e was on weds and I'm back to work tomorrow. I work with young children and it will be very hard to go back. I've been crying all day. I just have to go back and can't take any more time. Hoping for an easy transition back to work and plenty of time to heal and reflect this week. It feels so sad that it's back to the grind, almost like I have to forget my Lo and everything that's happened.

Spartanrd4

I am so sorry @JDMRS....my co-worker is pregnant and I see her every day, I love her she is a good friend of mine but every day she reminds me of what I don't have and what I lost. Its very difficult. Sending you positive thoughts your way!

Cubslove12

I'm so sorry! My first MC dragged on for about a month before I had to go in for a DNC. After my DNC it took a few weeks for me to feel normal. I personally run 1/2 marathons and found putting energy into that and doing things you can't do pregnant like trying new breweries helped give me a different focus other than getting pregnant again.

This time when I found out on Tue I asked for a Wed DNC, I couldn't handle a dragged on MC again. I was surprised I was able to talk about it at Easter and be ok. I just ordered a new work out video plan and I'm also going back to work today (sped teacher) so I can completely relate to you with dealing with parents who could care less about their kids. 

It will get more manageable and you'll get your rainbow baby! 

JDMRS

@lilylover27 I found myself curled up on the floor crying this afternoon out of no where. My husband has been amazing, but like you said, he doesn't have to deal with the physical part of the loss, and until a person has experienced the emptiness, there is only so much empathy that can be felt. 

@MooFish2364 I dread returning to the office tomorrow. Another week of keeping my door closed and deflecting questions from co-workers. But tomorrow, I will get up, get dressed, put on makeup (waterproof mascara!) and go back to the office. 

@BrightenMySky I emailed my boss who I told about our loss and asked to be taken off TPR and put on the driest civil matters he could dig up. I decided to take one more day today, which ended up being a good idea- I was pretty weepy most of today.

@1inthehopper Family law hurts even more when faced with a loss. I can't help but feel like the universe is twisting the knife a little more so to speak. 

@KarenBeth714  I completely empathize with feeling like we have to get back to our lives as if we aren't mourning the loss of our LOs- and we have all had to experience well-meaning but tactless platitudes like oh at least it happened earlier, or well you know you can get pregnant. I hope your first day back was uneventful and didn't cause you any undue emotional distress. 

@RiverSong15 thank you. Sometimes that is the only thing I can bear to hear, and I appreciate it. 

@Cubslove12 that is a great suggestion! I am dedicating myself to 30 days of yoga- I need to reconnect with my body. I feel so betrayed by it right now, and I think that pushing myself into non-pregnancy pursuits will be incredibly beneficial in my recovery. My miscarriage dragged on for 10 days before I went in for the D&E. To be honest, I couldn't handle another day of contractions- they started on 3/17 and my cervix had not dilated at all on 3/23, so my OB suggested getting me in for the procedure right away. Too much blood and no progress made her a little concerned. 

Thank you all for listening and being so supportive-I really appreciate the support this community gives each other as we sort through this senseless pain. I believe you all when you say it gets a little better. There will always been sadness but that is just a scar that happens when you love someone with your entire heart and then lose them.