Do you consider your CP a loss?

rosenyc123

Hi All.

I am a decently regular poster on TTGP, and have been a little bit involved in TroubleTTGP and Infertility. I recently found out I was pregnant on a Sunday, my beta was too low on Tuesday, and by Thursday it was definitely dropping. I got my period a few days later. I don't really know where I belong. We were devastated by the chemical pregnancy. We planned so much in that short happy time that we knew we were pregnant. But I also don't want to falsely equivocate what happened to me and what has happened to women who have lost babies further along. I guess I just want to be as sensitive as possible and not jump on a train without a ticket. 

Anyway, if this is the right place, my name is Rose. Im 28 and my H is 29. we are both attorneys living in the tri-state area. We were trying to conceive for 10 months before the CP, and now we are on month 11. We have an RE and are planning to do IVF with ICSI due to his MFI factors, but now that we actually were able to get pregnant we may be reconsidering IUI. We were originally going to skip it do to the fairly low success rate with morphology issues, but now that we had a swimmer hit the target, we may reconsider. Just sort of waiting out a job situation to decide. 

I hope all of our stays are short and peaceful. 

fivetimesnoluck

Hi, @rosenyc123 - I am sorry you find yourself here, but you are certainly welcome to join... I have had five miscarriages, one was a CP. It hurt just as much. Your loss is real and you are absolutely allowed to grieve what was lost.

I am sorry that you all have had such difficulty TTC. I am glad you're with an RE and hope that you all have some plans soon.

Take time, and definitely don't dismiss what you felt with the pregnancy.

You and your DH will be in my thoughts.

DaniGrace89

Yes. Yes. Yes.  

I actually hate the term "chemical pregnancy". I was pregnant with a person with all the potential in the world and am no longer. 

So sorry for your loss. 

cooaladoll

Yes @DaniGrace89! I agree! You are physically and mentally invested as soon as you find out you are to be a potential mother. You dream build a lifetime in the span of an instant. I am very sorry for your loss @rosenyc123. Everyone here is very supportive and helpful.

amberruka

@rosenyc123 I'm sorry for your loss. I watched my betas go down slowly over 5 weeks, but I was still pregnant. And so were you. I saw this on another board some time ago: "maybe it was enough for it to know it was loved and wanted. It glimpsed you, got what it needed, and floated away." I hope your stay here is short. 

MWoodside

I am sorry for your loss.

To answer your question, yes, absolutely.  My losses were both later (9 and 14 wks), but when my friends who have had a CP are questioning if they are entitled to grieve I always say this: We love our babies and are making room in our hearts and lives for them from the moment we see that positive test.

Kay6519

A loss is a loss, it doesn't matter how much growing the LO had left to do. I'm sorry you are going through it. Be kind to yourself. FX for a sticky LO soon!

iceandsnowflakes29

*Lurker* yes. I've had two Chemical pregnancies. Actually, if you want the full run down: 2 CPs, an ectopic, and mostly recently a blighted ovum.  All devastating. 

Bottom line, you had a loss and I'm sorry for your loss. 

lindsebert

Just echoing other's comments. I have had a CP along with 2 other losses. My heart broke just as much for each of them. So sorry for your loss.

catiecatp

I echo the PP - I'm sorry for your loss

alanna3622

@rosenyc123 I am so very sorry for your loss.

Like the other women I agree that a CP totally counts -- no question about it. I hate the term chemical pregnancy as well - it is such a false distinction. Pregnancy loss = pregnancy loss. 

A warm welcome to you in the crappiest club ever. 

rosenyc123

Thanks everyone. It feels good to be validated in that a loss is a loss. It made me feel a lot better when my doctor said she was sorry for my loss instead of just brushing it off as a CP. We went through something that has really changed us, and it helps to have that acknowledged by all of you ladies. 

mtvkv5

I just had a 'chemical pregnancy' over the weekend, and I only know that's what it is called from here. My doctor told me it was a miscarriage and it definitely feels like a real loss. I can't imagine what a loss would be like later in a pregnancy, but it sure hurts like hell this early on too. I have seen comments about it not counting as much, but I definitely disagree, as PPs have already said.

alanna3622

@rosenyc123 is it not cool to give you a fist-bump for being a fellow lawyer? 

@mtvkv5 I am so sorry for your loss this weekend. So very sorry. If you saw those comments about a CP "not counting as much" on The Bump then I would encourage you to report them. I had a stillbirth myself, at 33w5days, and even though that type of loss is different from an early loss, there is NO comparing of losses. We all relate to each other, and at the same time recognize that we are each walking our individual road.

Losing a pregnancy is devastating. The specifics of how it happens is a separate and additional layer of trauma to deal with. 

NamelessAria

I'm so sorry for your loss. And yes, it was a loss. Lots of creepy internet hugs.

I recently had a CP and I've definitely struggled with the same thing you're struggling with over the whole "was this a real loss? Can I grieve this? Is it insensitive to consider it a loss and talk about it that way?" My DH doesn't consider it a loss. But I feel like it was. What has helped me with my conflicted feelings about my own loss is to think how I'd answer the questions "was it really a loss? can I grieve it that way and talk about it that way? if someone else asked me. And I know with certainty I'd tell someone else that yes it was a loss. Your baby was real. Your hopes and dreams, your excitement and joy was all real. And now it is gone and that is a loss. You have every right to grieve that. And this is a support community so if you're grieving and need support you should feel free to speak of your loss. Even if it was "just a chemical."

Which, on the "just a chemical" note, I agree with @DaniGrace89. I hate the term "chemical pregnancy." It feels dismissive and insensitive.

HowlCircus

I agree with everyone a CP is most definitely a loss. I also hate the term. I am still getting over mine from the end of Jan. It was my first pregnancy and I'm 26 so I never expected to be here like most people. I find so much comfort in all the sweet people here lifting each other up. When you take the test (in my case a bunch just to be super sure) and find out you're pregnant at that moment you open your heart. After that moment no matter how early it happens it still hurts. I felt the same way in the beginning like I didn't have the right to be on here but we all need comfort. I'm here and I'm so sorry for you loss. Hope all these posts help you find comfort during this though time.

SnobunnieMel

I now find myself in this situation. I had 3 days of + HPT dpo12 after our d&c then woke up to have heavy bleeding today. My DH doesn't really consider it a loss, but I do. He acknowledge that I do and understands why, but to him, he was staying so guarded after our MC that he was refusing to accept it as a pregnancy until we had visual confirmation. 

We discussed it and I told him "chemical pregnancy" is just a way to soften "early miscarriage." But on the flip note, he keeps doing things now because "we need to build up good karma" so I think it hits him more than he says. 

LCRbelle

@SnobunnieMel My DH is the same way.  With my most recent loss being so early on, he said he never even thought of it as real yet.  Didn't seem to affect him at all. 
My MIL didn't even believe that I was even pregnant.  She definitely wasn't very understanding.
I still consider it a loss because to me it is still a very painful thing to go through.  

MamaCoffin

I'm experiencing a chemical pregnancy now. I don't even know how to process it. I can't imagine it being as painful for me as my loss after having seen a healthy baby with a heartbeat in November.... But this definitely is a loss. It's so cruel. I've been hoping for those lines for so long.... And I feel like they finally came but with a "hahaha jk!" on the other side. 

I haven't even told DH yet. I don't know what to say. He's been so excited and I've been gone all weekend. He just welcomed me home a little while ago with a kiss on the stomach and a "hi baby".

I'm gonna lose it. 

catiecatp

@jenmlangtake2 - hugs and love 

virginiaham

@jenmlangtake2 I'm so sorry!  *hugs* to you.

fivetimesnoluck

@jenmlangtake2 I'm so sorry! As soon as we see those lines, our hearts swell. I'm keeping you and @SnobunnieMel in my thoughts. Big hugs to you. 

mylittleversailles

@jenmlangtake2 I'm really sorry. Hugs and positive thoughts and cupcakes, lady.

dpjennifer

@jenmlangtake2 Sorry for your loss.    Treat yourself to something special and a little TLC today!

Spartanrd4

I'm sorry to see you back here @jenmlangtake2

adrimolina

I am sorry for your loss, it is definitely a loss! I had one in November and it is devastating!! Take care of yourself.

ThePax89

When I saw those lines, I bought my daughter a "big sister" shirt. I loss my baby before hitting 5 weeks, but this child meant everything to us. 

lyndam1

@rosenyc123 Yes, I agree with everyone else, a loss is a loss. I'm on these board after a chemical pregnancy too - this was my second loss. My first was a blighted ovum. My OBGYN at the time told me "there was never a baby" with my blighted ovum. Regardless, I'm grieving for all the future plans we started dreaming of. I grieve with you. A loss is loss. I'm sorry.