How to make a MIL listen?

celainev

My MIL is really nice... Except when she desperately wants her way. I'm at her house right now for the weekend and she's kinda made it to be "her time with Carlos" since they don't see him as often as she likes. But she is doing EVERYTHING wrong! She feeds him his bottle with half the nipple out of his mouth, she attempts to burp him after 2 min feeding and assumes his screaming is him having a stomach ache, not that he's still hungry, and the worst one that annoys the shit out of me, they constantly think he has a dirty diaper. I tell her time and time again that he only poops once a day and just cuz he has gas, does not mean he has gone number two. She doesn't believe me! And I'm constantly telling her these things, stick the damn nipple in his mouth, and her and her husband (step father) are constantly ignoring me.

 Now, like I said, she's really nice. And I don't want to be mean or ungrateful because she does like me a lot... But normally I just agree with her on everything to avoid conflict because it's so much easier that way... But not with my son!! How do you guys get your loved ones to listen? Without making them hate you? Do I just have to wait this out and assume they'll understand one day? I need a kick in the pants from you guys!!!! And some understanding with a couple more crazy MiL stories! 

dec15mum

I just tell me SO's parents straight out- there again I don't get along with the dad and not bothered if he doesn't like me lol! 
It's your baby it's your way although at some point  (and this is something I'm going to need to adjust to too) people are going to look after your child differently from what you want where it be nursery or school etc. But I would just casually mention it all and hopefully they listen 

sharonholck28

My MIL hasn't been much of a problem yet though I keep having to retrain my dad. He wasn't really around that much when me and my sibs or my sisters kids were around( my mom did all the nurturing) but he wants to help so I just keep reminding him. Slow down when changing her especially poopy ones cause he misses parts a lot. How to correctly put her in the car seat (thank god he hasn't actually had to take her anywhere yet) He was helping load her in the car once and I checked her before I got in the drivers seat to see he left her swaddled up weirdly and put in the car seat with the straps way loose! Another time I got a bit upset that I was gone 45 mins and he fed her like 10 oz (right after I had breastfed her too for like 30 mins) She slept really good after but I was like ummm... That probably didn't need to happen and explained why. I sometimes wonder did he even do anything at all when we were little cause it a lot of the time it is quite wrong -_- Like pp said, not everyone is gonna care exactly the same but you can still give your opinion as you are the mother. Hopefully they will catch on eventually! 

blended10

I'm passive to a fault so I'd wind up saying something like "when he's crying like that for me it means he's still hungry" or (worse) when you talk to the care provider thru the baby "oooh are you still hungry?? Don't worry grandma will get your bottle" omg used to drive my hubs nuts with ds.
itd be better to just be straight, for sure. But if passive is your thing...I get it.

celainev

blended10 said:

I'm passive to a fault so I'd wind up saying something like "when he's crying like that for me it means he's still hungry" or (worse) when you talk to the care provider thru the baby "oooh are you still hungry?? Don't worry grandma will get your bottle" omg used to drive my hubs nuts with ds.
itd be better to just be straight, for sure. But if passive is your thing...I get it.

I say that and they both just ignore me!!! I had to say it like twelve times that when she was trying to burp him and he was screaming, just give him more food he probably doesn't have a burp yet! And she just kept saying "no I can feel a burp coming!"

taysun

I'll have to let you know, mine (SO's mother) is meeting DD for the first time next week. Neither SO or I really want her to visit so I'm hoping DD doesn't like her...

2winterbabies

Don't even bother. They STILL won't listen.

kdoak2015

blended10 said:

I'm passive to a fault so I'd wind up saying something like "when he's crying like that for me it means he's still hungry" or (worse) when you talk to the care provider thru the baby "oooh are you still hungry?? Don't worry grandma will get your bottle" omg used to drive my hubs nuts with ds.
itd be better to just be straight, for sure. But if passive is your thing...I get it.

Ha ha ha I do this without even knowing what I'm doing lol. My MIL is a crazy manipulator and we've had it out since DD has been born. She's basically run my life since I met her son. Bought us a house that we could rent to keep him close, controlled are wishes for our wedding, tried to control 
DDs birth and certain things about DD since she's been home. I finally put my
foot down and we had it out which is unfortunate that I let it get to that point but now that it's done and over with I feel she respects my boundaries more and we have a better relationship because of it. I personally still dont like her much as a person but she is my MIL and I love my family to much to let that break us so I suck it up! 

oregonmommy-2

Yep.. I always say what I think.. Never hold back she listens when I'm around. But when I'm not just does what she wants.. Drives me nuts 

LaceyH13

To be honest none of those things sound like a big enough thing for you to stress out about so much. They are feeding and taking care of him. Nobody will do it like you, and it is probably better for your sanity to just a accept that now. As long as they aren't harming him, I honestly wouldn't stress over it. They will figure it out just like you did the more time they spend with him.

ammnam14

LaceyH13 said:

To be honest none of those things sound like a big enough thing for you to stress out about so much. They are feeding and taking care of him. Nobody will do it like you, and it is probably better for your sanity to just a accept that now. As long as they aren't harming him, I honestly wouldn't stress over it. They will figure it out just like you did the more time they spend with him.

100% this. My family, in laws, even my husband don't do things like how I want but oh well. DD isn't in danger so it's nothing to stress about. I've learned to relax and take advantage of the me time while they're watching her.

Becky012016

Lurker from J16. Are we the same person?! Literally going through the same issues right now except with my family instead of the in laws. I was asked "to prove me wrong" when they kept saying he has a dirty diaper and I knew he didn't. I just opened the diaper and showed them the perfectly clean diaper and just told them he has gas, he's a baby. 

amye02

I have the same issues of inlaws with their own agenda! Constantly comparing Jackson to her youngest daughter (who is in college) "Natalie liked being burped lying on her tummy" This isn't Natalie and he spits up if he's not upright. I tried texting my fiancé who was sitting in the same room "do something, she's not listening" but she didn't listen to him either.. Now when she's not doing things correctly and Jackson starts to fuss I say "Oh he is being cranky, he wants his Mommy, I'll take him" she can't argue with that, she has to hand him over.

celainev

Well it's little things like going through all my diapers.... They have gone through at least one an hour for the past 24 hours... Because they are constantly saying its dirty. And whenever they check, of course he peed a little, so they change it automatically. I usually change every 3 hours. And I get stressed out hearing my baby cry.... But they won't let me help. They keep saying they'll do it on their own. And then tell me how good it is to hear him cry... 

Anyways, I finally just took him to my room for 4 hours to "rest." We had our alone time and good naps... So we're both ready to face the inlaws again. I know I have to shrug it off... But it's sooo hard. 

taysun

chaelainev said:

Well it's little things like going through all my diapers.... They have gone through at least one an hour for the past 24 hours... Because they are constantly saying its dirty. And whenever they check, of course he peed a little, so they change it automatically. I usually change every 3 hours. And I get stressed out hearing my baby cry.... But they won't let me help. They keep saying they'll do it on their own. And then tell me how good it is to hear him cry... 

Anyways, I finally just took him to my room for 4 hours to "rest." We had our alone time and good naps... So we're both ready to face the inlaws again. I know I have to shrug it off... But it's sooo hard. 

I don't know how you can deal with that. If my baby was crying there's no way I would let someone tell me I can't help. 

Mags128

I had the same issue with my MIL last weekend. We were at a restaurant and DS was getting fussy. She was holding him laying down and he doesn't like it. He wants to be able to sit up and see what's going on. I tried to tell her and she ignored me and went and sat at a different table with him. DS continued to fuss and I tried to tell her he was hungry and she ignored me. I made DH tell her and take the baby from her. 

She doesn't like to listen to me and also her English isn't great but I think she tries to pretend she doesn't understand. I usually end up making DH tell her. 

dmendo01

So I struggle with all this as well. Honestly, even when DH has her I want to take her and do things my way all the time. Since your staying with them I'm sure it's even harder but maybe just try to go take some time to yourself and let them do their thing for a bit? It does sound terribly annoying but doesn't sound harmful. In their eyes they probably feel like they're doing you a favor when all they are doing is giving you anxiety. I feel like my in laws and own mother are like this. As a couple have said they will figure out what to do. Just my opinion and trust me I struggle with taking my own advice!

LaceyH13

I definitely get the diaper thing. They are too expensive to do that! I would say something about that - perhaps remind them what each diaper costs you. And I wouldn't let anybody tell me that I couldn't take my baby back, but I would try not to ask except in extreme cases, at least for a few minutes. Taking a break is good, too. If the fussing really bothers you, take that time to go to the other room - take a shower or go to another room and veg on your phone for a few minutes. Don't get yourself all worked up. They are family and aren't going away, so better to figure out how to deal with them and compromise so you all have a pleasant experience.

celainev

taysun said:

chaelainev said:

Well it's little things like going through all my diapers.... They have gone through at least one an hour for the past 24 hours... Because they are constantly saying its dirty. And whenever they check, of course he peed a little, so they change it automatically. I usually change every 3 hours. And I get stressed out hearing my baby cry.... But they won't let me help. They keep saying they'll do it on their own. And then tell me how good it is to hear him cry... 

Anyways, I finally just took him to my room for 4 hours to "rest." We had our alone time and good naps... So we're both ready to face the inlaws again. I know I have to shrug it off... But it's sooo hard. 

I don't know how you can deal with that. If my baby was crying there's no way I would let someone tell me I can't help. 

I don't really take it... I keep telling them what's wrong until they listen... It's super frustrating and I know it's not harming my child, but I'm afraid it's going to ruin the relationship I have with him if he cries, sees me, and watches me do nothing. When my MiL has him, I just offer advise until she takes it (sometimes takes 10 min.) When my step father in law has him, nope. I just take him away from him. It's hard because I have a good relationship with my MiL without the baby, but with him, i get so upset when they don't listen or they have their opinions and ignore mine.

redfallon

Nope, sorry, but I'm the mother, and I (and DH) are raising our children. Grandparents had their turn at raising their children. So how we choose to do things are how they are done. They should respect us as parents to raise our children and ask us how we'd like things done. I am not gonna let my child cry unnecessarily or let someone not give my baby back to me when I ask, just because it may hurt that adult's feelings. Baby is crying for a reason. I'm certainly not going to do nothing and let the baby cry and fuss and leave him when they aren't doing anything and think it's good for him to cry. 

About the diapers: be more firm about unnecessary changes, or tell them they have to buy you more diapers if they're going to use that many of them. 

BTW: I read this out loud to DH and he fully agrees with me, especially about letting your baby cry and not doing anything about it or leaving the room. No! Friggin' take your baby back!

oregonmommy-2

My MIL watches my baby 2 afternoons a week and I always have his bottles of expressed milk ready for him. Well today she told me I'm not feeding him enough. I feed he 3 ounces every 2 hours. According to all the research I've done and diaper outputs as well as babies behavior he is eating plenty. My husband watches him most of the time while I'm working and I ask him if baby seems hungry and he says no he is happy. I was talking to the nurses in the OB department at work and they said the recommendation is 1-1.5 ounces for every hour. Annoying 

celainev

redfallon said:

Nope, sorry, but I'm the mother, and I (and DH) are raising our children. Grandparents had their turn at raising their children. So how we choose to do things are how they are done. They should respect us as parents to raise our children and ask us how we'd like things done. I am not gonna let my child cry unnecessarily or let someone not give my baby back to me when I ask, just because it may hurt that adult's feelings. Baby is crying for a reason. I'm certainly not going to do nothing and let the baby cry and fuss and leave him when they aren't doing anything and think it's good for him to cry. 

About the diapers: be more firm about unnecessary changes, or tell them they have to buy you more diapers if they're going to use that many of them. 

BTW: I read this out loud to DH and he fully agrees with me, especially about letting your baby cry and not doing anything about it or leaving the room. No! Friggin' take your baby back!

Oh no I always do something about it! And I don't ever leave the room when he's crying! It's kind of reaffirming that I'm not being just a pest about all this annoying the shit out of me. 

Well, today I confessed to my DH how much this is bothering me, more than ever... And he told his mom that I need some more alone time with my son. And she ACTUALLY listened! I asked her to help with bath time, and then afterwards she mentioned that I could take him to be alone with him before bed, and this made me so happy. I mean, she didn't have to tell me "I could" because, yes, I am his mother and I can do what I want... But I appreciated it all the same that she understood we need our own time. 

ATolentino89

katielwells said:

My MIL watches my baby 2 afternoons a week and I always have his bottles of expressed milk ready for him. Well today she told me I'm not feeding him enough. I feed he 3 ounces every 2 hours. According to all the research I've done and diaper outputs as well as babies behavior he is eating plenty. My husband watches him most of the time while I'm working and I ask him if baby seems hungry and he says no he is happy. I was talking to the nurses in the OB department at work and they said the recommendation is 1-1.5 ounces for every hour. Annoying 

This is the same feeding schedule I give my DS and my mother always tried to give him more. In her defense she never breastfed so she just gives him more until he spits up. 

groovylocks

So per the poop panic.. Many people in our parents' generation formula fed. Formula fed babies poop a lot more than breastfed ones. So my mil is constantly telling me Olive pooping infrequently is not normal. When we said the pediatrician said it was fine, she started suggesting we get a new pediatrician. 

I I guess being a parent makes you a doctor too...

redfallon

groovylocks said:

So per the poop panic.. Many people in our parents' generation formula fed. Formula fed babies poop a lot more than breastfed ones. So my mil is constantly telling me Olive pooping infrequently is not normal. When we said the pediatrician said it was fine, she started suggesting we get a new pediatrician. 

I I guess being a parent makes you a doctor too...

Also depends on the baby. DD was FF and partially BF until six months old and only pooped once every other day. DS goes about once or twice a day and he's EFF. 

ATolentino89

It must depend on the baby. DS is supplemented with formula (4-6 bottles a week) and poops more when he gets only bm. 

kdoak2015

groovylocks said:

So per the poop panic.. Many people in our parents' generation formula fed. Formula fed babies poop a lot more than breastfed ones. So my mil is constantly telling me Olive pooping infrequently is not normal. When we said the pediatrician said it was fine, she started suggesting we get a new pediatrician. 

I I guess being a parent makes you a doctor too...

Agree with other posters that it really depends on the baby. All babies are different my BF/FF baby didn't poo for several days, now she's goes every day to every other day. 

mrsduncan32

Well my mil aND the rest of my in laws have no respect for what we have named our son. Our son's name is Thomas Michael Anthony... now note Thomas is his first name and all of our families are aware of this. Thomas is after my brother, Michael for our nephew and Anthony after my husband. My in laws call our son Thomas MichaEl all the time and I got to the point as soon as they would say it I would say you mean Thomas. My mil made it very clear when we found out we were having a boy his first name should be Michael and so now they call hI'm Thomas Michael. While I love the name Michael I find it disrespectful thay they can't just call him Thomas. As my step daughter pointed out its not like they call her or her brother by their first and middle names. I finally broke down and said something to my husband and he had a talk with him. My in laws are not very active in my step kids lives but yet feels the need to think we need to drive to her house every weekend to visit. Yep that's not happening. Matter of fact my husband is going there this weekend while I go to a MDA walk and I flat out let him know I don't want my child in her house without me especially since the dog they adopted last year barks constantly and has nipped at people for months and then just recently bit my mil. I have always jit my tongue with my in laws but I have learned to express myself to my husband and he needs to and has stepped up and put his family in check.