I just don't know...

momotheflyinglemur

I know we are lucky to be in the situation that we are in. I know that not everyone has a support system like ours, not everyone has an aunt both willing and able to move in with us to take care of our little one while we work. If we need help with ANYTHING, literally, all we have to do is ask, but I still can't shake these feelings that I am having. I am being treated for PPD so I know that everything I am going through stems from that, but does that immediately invalidate my feelings?

I love my job, actually ever since I was 16 and entered the workforce, I have always loved each and every job that I do. This one is different. I love all the tasks that I do and I love all the people I work with. They are supportive and friendly and they want the best for the people around them, very much like a family. Most people don't get that in their career so I am thankful. I got 6 weeks full paid leave with two weeks of transitional starting where I worked MWF to ease myself back into the thick of things... but now I am back full time.

When I get off work all I want to do is get home to my baby and spend a little time with him before it's time to get ready for bed. But the problem is that once I am home I can't relax. I just start making lists in my head of all the things that we need to do or want to do before it's time to go back to the office. And the list is never ending. I feel like both my SO and I have a never ending list of things that need to get done. I just can do what we are doing anymore.

I am not even sure if leaving work will fix things. I mean there isn't even really a problem. Everything that we have going seems to work fine, it just doesn't feel right. I tried bringing it up to him once before but we are both rational people so it got shot down pretty quickly. I am technically the breadwinner as I make quite a bit more than he does, but he is establishing a career path that in the next 5 years may win him a position which will make us more comfortable. Unless we derail that plan there is almost no way for me to stay at home.

I am just feeling pretty lost. I think I know what I want, but I am not even sure if that will make anything better.... :-(

kdoak2015

I think you've had a massive change happen in your life and you need to take some time to adjust. Give yourself time to heal from your PPD and to get organized with life. You need to find your stride with new life and what works and doesn't. Save your to do lists for the days you don't work or even better make a list for the week and do one thing per night. Life will never be the same again so do what you can to adjust to this new life. It will get easier.

blended10

I am a sahm & for real, before I hopped on this app I was writing out my to-do list - all the shit that didn't get done this week. Laundry, clean out the fridge, grocery store blah blah blah. Never mind my brows are a mess & my hair hasn't been straightened in months (years?). 
My point: even if you were home you'd still feel like there arent enough hours. Just do what you can, just one thing. Prioritize & ask for help. You love your job - that's great!! You will never look back at this time & wish the bathroom stayed cleaner. It's annoying, but it'll get done. Focus on what brings you joy the rest will take care of itself. 

Peanut1128

I think along with PPD a lot of moms experience PP anxiety. It's very overwhelming thinking about all the things that need to be done and worrying about being the best parents we can at the same time. I totally get what you mean about just wanting to spend time with your LO after work. I feel like I can never get enough time with mine now that I'm working, it's hard but I try to stay in the moment when we are together. Your doing great mama, be kind to yourself!

sardavbak

I am a SAHM/Realtor and I was just telling my husband the other day how it feels like I haven't been able to keep all the "balls" in the air on any given day (mother, wife, realtor, self, housework/chores, etc) I was ending each day feeling negative about whatever "balls" I dropped that day, but have recently been trying to focus instead of which ones I did keep in the air that day, what I did well, and keep reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day to start juggling again! Keep your head up, and know you are DEFINITELY not alone with the to-do lists! Tonight I'm putting mine away for the night and going to snuggle with DH, the lists will still be there in the morning

blended10

How are you feeling now? 
I wanted to add- sometimes just complaining is good fuel to get stuff done. Idk why but it helps me to bitch. Anyway- hope you are enjoying the weekend. Thinking of you 

laurabwalker

Yes the PP anxiety is super strong with PPD,!so definetly go easy, take it one day at a time. Give yourself much more time to adapt to your new life. 

momotheflyinglemur

Yeah, anxiety is more of what I am dealing with. I have sort of always had problem with getting really worked up until I feel like I am under water. I had a heart to heart with my hubby and we cancelled a lot of the unnecessary things that we were trying to fit into our already packed time and instead we went to lunch with our best couple friend. I had Friday off work and I left the baby home with Dad and went to the dog park with my dog. Just lots of fresh air and easiness. My hubby encouraged me to also be honest with my aunt so I was and today she helped out by finishing laundry.

Thank you everyone for you thoughts and support. Coming back to these responses was so comforting and I am SOOOOOOO glad to be a part of this great community!!!