sensitivity while announcing

virginiaham

I know a handful of amazing women IRL who are still struggling with TTC taking longer than they had hoped, infertility and TTC after loss (and I know many of you/us come from some of those places as well).  This came up maybe a few months back on the TTGP board, but I was wondering if any of you would be willing to share your thoughts and/or strategies for how to approach announcing a pregnancy and remaining sensitive to the struggle that others may continue to face?

DunkinDecaf

I have nothing wise to say on the subject, but I'm so glad you asked. I've been wondering about this too.

beforeyou

This is a good question and something I've been struggling with. We definitely aren't planning on doing any big reveals, but I'm also not sure if we will even do Facebook. Sorry I'm not much help. I'm interested in what others have to say as well! 

ShallowSeas

I love this @virginaham.  This is something I have been struggling to deal with.  H and I TCC for 15 months and 16 cycles.  Three of those months we worked with an RE after a dx of Unexplained Infertility.  While I know many women have had much longer and harder struggles than I, I know how hard it is to see pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement when you're feeling sad and losing hope.  H wants to announce my pregnancy on social media soon (we only do Instagram and have discussed when we would announce) and I do too, but I'm really struggling with how to do it.  I don't know every one of my Follower's stories and struggles. I'm really interested in seeing how other people are handling this because this is something that has been weighing heavy on me.

comealongponds

Those that you know are struggling I would let them know individually. I think telling them in person is best, but be prepared for them not to be overjoyed for you and to struggle with the news a bit. And make sure they know that's okay with you! Definitely avoid the patronizing. "I'm sure it'll happen for you soon," and the like and give them space to leave and process if that's what they need. 

If if you plan on doing a big social media reveal, give them some advance warning of exactly when you plan on posting it so that they can unfollow you or hid you from their newsfeed for a few days if they prefer. 

That's all I can think of at the moment. 

g8rmama_16

I am glad you asked this too. I have been struggling about how to tell me sister in law. She had a miscarriage right after she got married over 8 years ago, well before I knew her, and has never been pregnant again. We get along very well, but we are not so close that we have discussed her fertility struggles. I know my MIL is having trouble with it as well. Right after we told her, the first thing she did was get sad for my SIL. I know she will be happy for us, I just want to make sure I am super careful on how we tell her.

ZoeFer

This is a good point, I was always on the other side of this picture I had not though about this before. I totally agree with @comealongponds . We were TTC for almost two years, and it is hard when you get the news in a big group or from facebook. For example, I know that my cousin and his wife are struggling with TTC and I did not want them to hear the news from my grandma or aunt so even though it was too early , I emailed my cousin and told him already. So especially his wife will be prepared in their next family visit. His wife has not even emailed to congratulate us, but i do not take it personal.
And I know there are so many people that struggle silently, so I am not planning to have a FB announcement. But it is my personal choice, I think if someone really wants to make a nice and big announcement , they should go with it. 

DunkinDecaf

I guess what I'm most worried about is the people who I don't know for sure are struggling. I have a few cousins who I would guess have been trying for a while but I don't know them well enough to know for sure, and I certainly wouldn't bring it up to them. I have a pretty big family and I don't know what everyone's going through.

jrussell16

I 100% agree with telling certain people separately before a FB announcement, especially people who you know are struggling, but you don't always know who those people are because a lot of people don't talk about it. If you want to make a social media announcement, I think there's still a way to do it. I have a friend (who never knew about my loss because we've barely spoken since graduation) and she posted something with her FB announcement along the lines of "Pregnancy announcements haven't always made me happy in the past as we've been trying for a while to get to this day. So if you're one of those people who is feeling like that now, know that I understand and I'm here if you want to talk or just bitch about it to someone who has been there." I actually reached out and sent her a message after not talking to her for years because I was one of those people and I felt like bitching that day. It opened up the door to an old friend and actually made me feel better since neither of us had ever talked about our losses. She's actually the only person (other than DH) that I've told about this pregnancy so far.

I also agree that it's a personal choice and I still don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I just thought I'd share what I thought was a good way to go about it.

tvh1982

It's definitely a good question on how to tell as we know little about other people's struggle.
I am planning on telling on Facebook, but am planning on telling the whole story and how I got there. 
I have learnt in my journey that my friends who struggle(d) and I have been extremely happy for one and another when succeeding. So hope, by sharing my story of getting here will 'soften the blow' of any of my friends that is struggling I don't know about. 
Maybe give them an upertunity to open up about their situation and giving them a listening ear.
I hope anyway, as I would hate it if my joy will hurt someone.

juliehollz13

I've thought about this too and it's very hard because on 1 side, you know how hard it is to see the pregnancy announcements and literally, had 2 friends on my FB who were pregnant when we were NTNP/TTC, gave birth, and got pregnant again before I did. but on the other hand you just want to shout it from the rooftops because you're so excited. I personally haven't even told my best friend yet because she suffered a MMC last November and I don't want to say anything until I'm farther along, but I will definitely tell her personally I would hate for her to see it on FB. I would love to do a huge social media announcement because the baby really is a miracle, as we were told we had less than 5% chance of naturally conceiving, but I don't know if I will because you never know who is struggling with their fertility, and i have a couple of friends on FB who announced their loss, so it would be in horrible taste to post anything.

mszobota

This is a tough one for sure. We aren't announcing on facebook or social media at all. We are telling/will tell family and friends but that's really it. 

jarethinafrock

I was actually going to post a similar thread. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. 

I am a little worried about announcing this pregnancy to my sister and her husband (married 9 years and still no luck with having a kid) and also to a friend of mine who has a kid my daughter's age and who just suffered two miscarriages in a row.

Last pregnancy, I told my sister and her husband in person ahead of time and I can't figure out if I should do that again, or text/email my sister, or wait til the whole family is together and include them in the "surprise". They were the Godparents last time and so that's how we approached it. We just got into town and are hoping to announce this pregnancy to my family on Easter.

And with my friend, I'm not sure when I should tell her. She and I hang out at least once a week and she told me about the first pregnancy and she ended up miscarrying later that day and then she told me about the second miscarriage a week after it happened (and one week before my BFP). Part of me would like to tell her about this pregnancy since she was so straightforward with me, but the other part of me just feels guilty and I don't want to make her feel bad. But I also know that I won't be able to hide it for too much longer. She is going to be in Italy for 3 weeks in April and so I feel like I should tell her before that but eek!

eta: forgot details

aquasocks

When we were going through TTC and IF, the FB announcements didn't really bother me. It was either a distant friend, or if it was a close friend or family then they had told me first anyway. The worst was actually when people announced in front of a big group at a party or holiday and I couldn't hide my "happy for you, sad for me face" or like my SIL facetimed when she knew our background and tried to tell the whole family at once. It was really awkward. If you want to do a FB announcement, I say go for it. It's not really my style though, I prefer to tell people individually as I happen to see them.

m6agua

I am also wondering about this. As I posted in the PGAL threads I have a close friend who just miscarried 2 weeks ago, which is when I found out I was pregnant. They are super close to us and last time we told them around 9 weeks and then lost our pregnancy a couple weeks later. We are waiting and probably going to tell them sometime in late April to give her some time to grieve. Because of this we are pushing back when we will publicly announce until after we tell them. Also we wont tell any other friends until after we tell them. I just don't know if it would be better to tell them in person or over a text so if she is sad she doesn't have to feel like she can't show her emotion in front of us.

jarethinafrock

aquasocks said:

When we were going through TTC and IF, the FB announcements didn't really bother me. It was either a distant friend, or if it was a close friend or family then they had told me first anyway. The worst was actually when people announced in front of a big group at a party or holiday and I couldn't hide my "happy for you, sad for me face" or like my SIL facetimed when she knew our background and tried to tell the whole family at once. It was really awkward. If you want to do a FB announcement, I say go for it. It's not really my style though, I prefer to tell people individually as I happen to see them.

Out of curiosity, if someone gave you a head's up before a group announcement and some time to process the information, was that ok? 

kmmnocal

aquasocks said:

When we were going through TTC and IF, the FB announcements didn't really bother me. It was either a distant friend, or if it was a close friend or family then they had told me first anyway. The worst was actually when people announced in front of a big group at a party or holiday and I couldn't hide my "happy for you, sad for me face" or like my SIL facetimed when she knew our background and tried to tell the whole family at once. It was really awkward. If you want to do a FB announcement, I say go for it. It's not really my style though, I prefer to tell people individually as I happen to see them.

SO MUCH this. I posted about this on the UO thread earlier today. @jarethinafrock: In my opinion, a heads up before a big announcement would be wonderful. I never wanted my emotions to take away from someone else's moment, so having some time to process it privately (even a short time!) would have been SO helpful. 

Personally, we're going to tell people one by one as we see them and will probably keep it off social media. I don't think I'll have a problem with people sharing pregnant photos of me once it's no longer secret, but it's just my style to not make it a big event.

pinnerk

Thank you for posting this. 
In my small circle of friends, Facebook announcements have always been a big fun way of telling everyone at once ,in a semi original way that you're pregnant. 
I have loved seeing them all! 
My cousin, who I am really close with just had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and it was very upsetting for her and her husband plus the whole family. They had TTC for 10+ years. 
I'm planning on telling her via email (I've read that that's the best way because she doesn't have to be fake, she can process it in private and allow any emotions she wants) and then offering to meet for lunch with her. 
I know that in the long run, she will be very happy for us. 

I have a question for you all. 
We are thinking of asking her and her husband to be our child's god parents. 

Do you honestly think that's too far ? Or maybe a good idea ? 
Its still so far away of course. 

pinnerk

m6agua said:

I am also wondering about this. As I posted in the PGAL threads I have a close friend who just miscarried 2 weeks ago, which is when I found out I was pregnant. They are super close to us and last time we told them around 9 weeks and then lost our pregnancy a couple weeks later. We are waiting and probably going to tell them sometime in late April to give her some time to grieve. Because of this we are pushing back when we will publicly announce until after we tell them. Also we wont tell any other friends until after we tell them. I just don't know if it would be better to tell them in person or over a text so if she is sad she doesn't have to feel like she can't show her emotion in front of us.

So sad and so kind of you to be concerned. 
I had done research and from what I read, the majority would rather be told via text or email so they can express their emotions privately and not have to be fake. That's how I'll be telling my cousin who recently had a miscarriage. 

aquasocks

jarethinafrock said:

aquasocks said:

When we were going through TTC and IF, the FB announcements didn't really bother me. It was either a distant friend, or if it was a close friend or family then they had told me first anyway. The worst was actually when people announced in front of a big group at a party or holiday and I couldn't hide my "happy for you, sad for me face" or like my SIL facetimed when she knew our background and tried to tell the whole family at once. It was really awkward. If you want to do a FB announcement, I say go for it. It's not really my style though, I prefer to tell people individually as I happen to see them.

Out of curiosity, if someone gave you a head's up before a group announcement and some time to process the information, was that ok? 

Everyone is different, I would be fine with that but I might not go to the event if I was having a really bad day (my loss anniversary or something.) If you plan on the group thing, I do think it would be very considerate to tell your IF/loss friends first privately. They deal with it a lot and they will be ok, but it is greatly appreciated to have the warning and not be put on the spot in front of other people. I think a phone call is fine, it doesn't have to be in person. 

LikeICantEven

This is so rough because you're torn between not wanting to stifle yourself but at the same time, you cannot fathom hurting someone else with your news. 

Husband and I recently moved a couple hours away from 99% of our family and friends and it would be incredibly time consuming to call every person up (plus that's a lot of attention neither or us are into) we did a photo collage "movie trailer" last time announcing our son.

This time, I planned making a video reveal with our son in "training" - preparing for his little sib. Cue "Eye of the Tiger" music. I figured this might be helpful to put him front and center because if any of my friends are avoiding babies, they are less likely to watch a video with him in it. They can gather from comments if they get curious. I don't plan on shoving my pregnancy updates down everyone's throats, I am annoyed by my friends that do that. It's easy to get lost in the good news, but be more than just a pregnant person on social media!

jarethinafrock

aquasocks said:

jarethinafrock said:

aquasocks said:

When we were going through TTC and IF, the FB announcements didn't really bother me. It was either a distant friend, or if it was a close friend or family then they had told me first anyway. The worst was actually when people announced in front of a big group at a party or holiday and I couldn't hide my "happy for you, sad for me face" or like my SIL facetimed when she knew our background and tried to tell the whole family at once. It was really awkward. If you want to do a FB announcement, I say go for it. It's not really my style though, I prefer to tell people individually as I happen to see them.

Out of curiosity, if someone gave you a head's up before a group announcement and some time to process the information, was that ok? 

Everyone is different, I would be fine with that but I might not go to the event if I was having a really bad day (my loss anniversary or something.) If you plan on the group thing, I do think it would be very considerate to tell your IF/loss friends first privately. They deal with it a lot and they will be ok, but it is greatly appreciated to have the warning and not be put on the spot in front of other people. I think a phone call is fine, it doesn't have to be in person. 

The "group setting" announcement would just be my parents, my 7 siblings, and my 2 BILs. We were going to put DD in a big sister shirt and let people figure it out on their own. It's hard to get everyone together in one place, especially since we live out of town, that's why we thought Easter would be a good time. But yea, I need to figure out how I'm going to tell my sister and her husband beforehand so they have time to digest the info. 

aquasocks

@HomeyDontPlayThat I live near all my family and most of my friends, good point about it just not being practical
to tell people in person.

ps I want to see these movies when we become friends. 

LikeICantEven

aquasocks said:

@HomeyDontPlayThat I live near all my family and most of my friends, good point about it just not being practical
to tell people in person.

ps I want to see these movies when we become friends. 

Haaay gurrl. 

aquasocks

@jarethinafrock Wow big family! You know your sister best. I wouldn't be upset if my sister did that.

doraleigh35

HomeyDontPlayThat said:

This is so rough because you're torn between not wanting to stifle yourself but at the same time, you cannot fathom hurting someone else with your news. 

Husband and I recently moved a couple hours away from 99% of our family and friends and it would be incredibly time consuming to call every person up (plus that's a lot of attention neither or us are into) we did a photo collage "movie trailer" last time announcing our son.

This time, I planned making a video reveal with our son in "training" - preparing for his little sib. Cue "Eye of the Tiger" music. I figured this might be helpful to put him front and center because if any of my friends are avoiding babies, they are less likely to watch a video with him in it. They can gather from comments if they get curious. I don't plan on shoving my pregnancy updates down everyone's throats, I am annoyed by my friends that do that. It's easy to get lost in the good news, but be more than just a pregnant person on social media!

All of this ^^. We live far away from both of our families (except my MIL). We plan to call or facetime our immediate families/friends that don't already know. Everyone else will find out on FB. Honestly, what got me through FB announcements in the past was the hope of one day being able to do my own. I look forward to being able to post something once we feel ready. I don't share a whole lot of personal info on social media anyway, so that will likely be all I post about baby until the birth. I've started a private blog that I'll post updates on for our immediate family members that care to follow my pregnancy.

@HomeyDontPlayThat I LOVE the movie trailer idea!

EmmieAnn22

We were probably 2 years into trying to conceive when my best friend got pregnant first try.  I ended up being the last person she called she was so scared to tell me.  Personally I liked the phone call and that she kept it very brief.  Maybe a month ago we were discussing this and that's when she told me her anxiety about telling me and also said I was the happiest person she told.  Honestly I wasn't happy and after she told me I sobbed but the buffer of the phone let us both have the experience we wanted/needed to have. 

I've also been on the other side after our loss of a very insensitive 'friend' just announcing on Facebook without mentioning anything to us.

depending on how close you are to someone an email or text works fine.  If they are someone you a very close to maybe a phone call.  Just give them the heads up before they are caught off guard by it.  And I agree with someone else that said don't follow it up with any "It will happen for you one day" BS.  

Chcaggie1

I do think this one is difficult. I can't personally relate to the feelings because we have never struggled with fertility but I can image it must be very difficult.  I never even considered it with our first child. I celebrated and told everyone once we got past the first tri. But this time we have two couples that live in another city that I know have been ttc for about a year each. One of the couples recently conceived and had a miscarriage. I feel sad to share our exciting news about number 2 when they are desperately trying for no 1.

But ultimately I know that I can only try my best to be sensitive but we still have the right to celebrate this special blessing. The Lord will heal their hearts and bless them with a child at the perfect time.  

shadykady

We have a cousin, who has been struggling with infertility treatments for a couple years. We started trying around the same time as them, with two losses and one full-term baby in the process. The whole way through, we have been open and honest about our pregnancies. They told us from the beginning that they are happy for our joys, and it will only make them uncomfortable for the information to be kept from them in an attempt to not hurt their feelings. We would normally tell them anything about our life, so we made pregnancies no different. They sure do get bummed when they hear other people's announcements, but they have a right to. They love us and support us just as we love and support them.

aquasocks

@EmmieAnn22 I agree about the phone call. It was the easiest way for me to handle it. FaceTime was super super awkward, I couldn't hug her and I had to sit there with a smile plastered on my face while she showed me her ultrasound pics, and the family was all watching on the other end. 

talkthewholetime

I got pregnant on the first try. Twice. My sister struggled with IF for years, and several cycles of IVF with no baby when I got pregnant with my daughter. It was so hard - I didn't take anything personally, and I knew that it would hurt her to find out I was pregnant when she wanted to be so badly. I actually had my mom tell her, becuase I knew her first reaction would be sadness, and that she wouldn't want me to see that. She agrees it was the right thing (for us, not everyone) - she was able to process it without worrying about how her reaction made me feel, and then come to me when she was ready.

She has twins now, and I'm so excited to tell her this time - she's told me how excited she will be next time for us because she's in such a better space.

Everyone always does announcements in the teacher's room at work - I plan on texting a coworker who had an ectopic pregnancy recently to give her a heads up so she isn't blindsided by it.

MrsBigTime

aquasocks said:

When we were going through TTC and IF, the FB announcements didn't really bother me. It was either a distant friend, or if it was a close friend or family then they had told me first anyway. The worst was actually when people announced in front of a big group at a party or holiday and I couldn't hide my "happy for you, sad for me face" or like my SIL facetimed when she knew our background and tried to tell the whole family at once. It was really awkward. If you want to do a FB announcement, I say go for it. It's not really my style though, I prefer to tell people individually as I happen to see them.

This is exactly what Im hoping to avoid this weekend. We are having DH's birthday dinner with some of our closest friends and id love to announce then, but one couple is going through the process of finding a surrogate because she can no longer have children and I want to be sensitive to the fact that our news may be hard for them to process and I want the evening to be happy for everyone! So, we'll wait until we can tell them privately and allow them time to process. 

lilwonder

aquasocks said:

When we were going through TTC and IF, the FB announcements didn't really bother me. It was either a distant friend, or if it was a close friend or family then they had told me first anyway. The worst was actually when people announced in front of a big group at a party or holiday and I couldn't hide my "happy for you, sad for me face" or like my SIL facetimed when she knew our background and tried to tell the whole family at once. It was really awkward. If you want to do a FB announcement, I say go for it. It's not really my style though, I prefer to tell people individually as I happen to see them.

THIS right here. When it's done in-person, in a large group (or even on FaceTime) it's awkward. I was put in that same situation when my BIL & SIL announced and all I wanted to do was crawl under a rock. Ultimately I'm happy for them, but have some sensitivity, folks! Everyone else in the family immediately looked at me and DH, to make sure we were okay. Shows you something...

thatlauragirl

I just know from personal experience that I really appreciated friends reaching out to me privately to share their news when I was dealing with multiple miscarriages. It gave me time to process privately so I could have my game face on when the big announcement came out.

kns1988

I don't mind seeing announcements on facebook, but what gets to me is the weekly/daily pregnancy posts. I had one facebook friend that posted something about her pregnancy at least 3 times a week, including all of the generic "I'm so blessed to have such an amazing husband and soon to be daughter, yada yada barf." She had her baby on the same day as my miscarriage. I guess seeing her posts was more annoying than hurtful, but I did end up hiding her after my MC.

We've been TTC for about a year and we've had 1 MC. I know that it sucks when it seems like everyone around you is pregnant, but I don't see the harm in a facebook announcement. As long as it's not a constant barrage of pregnancy crap, but even then, it's that person's prerogative to be as annoying as he or she wants to be. You can always just hide them. 

ETA: On the other hand, I currently have a friend who is pregnant and posts at least weekly about it (pictures included). I give her a complete pass because I know she's had 4 miscarriages before this baby and I'm so happy for her that she's finally pregnant with a baby that's sticking. So I guess I give some AW passes. 

MrsV55

I'm struggling with this as well because one of my closest friends has been trying for several years and currently she is the only girl out of our six closest friends who isn't pregnant. I will tell her in person soon, but I really really hope she tells me she's KU first! 
As far as a social media announcement, I had a friend that recently announced by putting up a pic of her and her DH holding a sign that said "We prayed for 730 days" and then another pic holding a onesie that said "He answered" and had a bible verse on it. I thought it was sweet and it acknowledged their struggle. 

MissAmeliaPond

mszobota said:

This is a tough one for sure. We aren't announcing on facebook or social media at all. We are telling/will tell family and friends but that's really it. 

^^This. We'll post something to Facebook when we have a healthy take home baby in our arms. Although, I'm the MOH in a wedding in August, and I think I'm just going to have to block people from being able to tag me in posts and photos.  We don't have any children yet, and I'm being very protective of this pregnancy in case of a second loss. I'm not the type to count my chickens before they hatch. 

We've been trying for quite a while and I had a MC/CP over New Year's. I basically started just avoiding Facebook completely in October when it was clear that TTC wasn't going to be easy. I only look at it when I feel up to it, knowing full well I'll see other people's babies and possible pregnancy announcements. I think people of child-bearing age generally know to expect other people's babies and pregnancy announcements to show up in their news feeds, and will also avoid facebook if they don't want to be bombarded with that kind of thing. 

STBMrsMiller

Chcaggie1 said:

The Lord will heal their hearts and bless them with a child at the perfect time.  

Everyone's infertility is not resolved with a child. Do not say this to your friends.

In the last 3.5 years, I've most appreciated an email or text announcement after work hours so I'm not blindsided there. It gave me time to digest and I could reach out when I'd gotten to a place of joy for them. It also allowed me to skip or be prepared for any in person group announcements or unfollow/watch for social media announcements.

MrsDepo

My original plan was to make a post during Nation infertility week (April 24th) to spread awareness and "come out" with my story. And if I was a little further along I think I still would and add my success in, but I'll only be 9 weeks and that's a little early. 

So now I am struggling with how to announce on social media and still be sensitive to others who have went through IF and loss. 

muybueno

I have several people who I am telling over text. They either struggle with infertility or MC and I don't want them to have to pretend not to be crying over the phone. I will follow up with a call after a few days.

I honestly won't make an  announcement to any group of people- friends at a party, colleagues at work, etc- unless I personally know that none of them will have a hard time with it. I mostly just have one-on-one conversations for this reason.

sugar9277

It's so considerate of you to think of others.  I think if you are close to someone who is struggling TTC, tell them privately ahead of time.
However, this is also hugely exciting news for you - it is ok to share your excitement and joy in an announcement! This is something you celebrate. After you've told the few you need to tell privately, it is fine to share and be excited. I mean - You're having a Baby!!!