Depression and Anxiety moms - 3rd Tri checkin

arj14

Hi ladies,

Now that we should all be firmly in 3rd tri, I wanted to have a check in and see how you are all doing.

PYLWhammy

I'm feeling good overall. Still experiencing difficulties with ADHD (since I'm not currently on my ADHD medication) but the depression/anxiety is under control.
My husband recently cut down on his depression medications, to half the dosage, so that's been worrying me a bit. He just hated the side effects, which I can understand. But so far his mood seems ok.

Myzticsunshine

I don't think I've checked into this before, but I must say, the anxiety can be seriously overwhelming. I mean, I've always had it, to begin with, but when I'm pregnant it's just the pits. 

Its basically impossible for me to act like things are ok when they are not. I've been getting into serious arguments with one of my co workers, and I've become hella competitive there. It's just a small boutique, and my boss doesn't even care who sells the most, but I find myself getting so angry at said co worker for pushing me around that I've been spitefully pulling 2 grand above everyone else here to prove some stupid point, and when I come close to falling behind I start getting pissy on the inside and want to cry. I mean, I don't say anything, but it really eats me up. I'm sure it shows on my already-resting-bitch-face. 

And the worst part is knowing full well how stupid your being. Usually, that part causes me to hide and break down somewhere. 

Its just frustrating because I was doing so well. I guess I still am. Considering the circumstances atleast. 

I hope everyone else is holding on well! 

We are all sooooo close!

laurenmdrn16

@Myzticsunshine I totally understand. I am constantly checking myself before reacting because I just don't trust that I won't blow up over things that are so not worth it. But don't beat yourself up if you do. This is a stressful time for everyone and when you are navigating the 3rd tri with anxiety you have that extra hurdle to jump. I have had to get really creative with coping strategies and have immersed myself in my music and writing to really get out some pretty intense feelings. I have definitely lost my cool a few times, but I keep reminding myself that I am making it, each day and just by getting up and making the most of it I am using the strength I never knew I had.

My meds have been stable, but I always feel that huge pang of guilt when I catch a glimpse of the warning on the side of the bottle that 3rd tri use is bad. However, I again feel that NOT using it would be worse. I haven't needed the Klonopin since my last anxiety attack back in...what was it?...January, so that is something. I am getting out more and being a lot more social while also ramping up my exercise as tolerated. That has made a huge difference for me and I hope to keep it up post-partum as well. My OB has no plans for me to stop or decrease my SSRI after birth and I am so glad. I can't have PPD again and want to be as proactive as possible. Obviously, I know that it is not completely in my control, but I figure the more tools in my tool box, the better. 

Creepy internet hugs to all of you and I hope we all remember what amazingly strong mamas we are!

arj14

The past 3/4 weeks I've been getting a lot more anxious again.  It's mostly the usual triggers - financials, housework / cleanliness, work (my bimonthly "what should I do with my life" existential crisis).  I had started talk therapy again in November through the Employee Assistance Program, but it's been hard to get appointments because the therapist's schedule and my work schedule don't leave much overlapping time.  I feel bad, but I think I'm going to ask her about recommending another therapist at my next appointment.

Also, a more immediate problem is that in the last couple weeks I've been having a really difficult time remembering if I took my medication or not.  Like this morning, I took my iron pill, and I know I took out my Venlafaxine bottle and looked at it, but I honestly can't remember if I took my pill or decided I would take it at breakfast.  Obviously I don't want to take more than the recommended dose, but also don't want to be skipping them either.  I made myself a checklist to hang on the fridge so hopefully that will help.

laurenmdrn16

arj14 said:

Also, a more immediate problem is that in the last couple weeks I've been having a really difficult time remembering if I took my medication or not.  Like this morning, I took my iron pill, and I know I took out my Venlafaxine bottle and looked at it, but I honestly can't remember if I took my pill or decided I would take it at breakfast.  Obviously I don't want to take more than the recommended dose, but also don't want to be skipping them either.  I made myself a checklist to hang on the fridge so hopefully that will help.

I had this same issue! I take my meds at night, but some nights I would fall asleep and then wake up and have absolutely no idea if I took my meds before or if I should take them now at 2am. I actually got one of those "pill a day" organizers and while I felt weird at first, it has really helped. I fill it up on Sunday mornings before church and can easily track if I took my meds or not. Like the other night I fell asleep in my son's bed while putting him down at like 8pm, woke up at 10pm and stumbled right into my bed. I got up to pee about an hour later and noticed that my "Wednesday" pills were still there and was able to take them. Otherwise, I would've counted all the pills in the bottles, gotten myself more confused and just said "Screw it!" and missed those doses.

saladflambe

2nd trimester was pretty good for me; 3rd tri is not being so kind. My emotions are crazy, but everyone tells me I was actually like this prior to getting pregnant, soooo... I guess I'm just nuts. But I am finding myself anxious about things that make zero sense now. I'm literally sitting here having a small anxiety attack over the fact that the crib skirt is a different shade of green than anything else in the room, and I could've done better....and over the fact that the walls are lighter green and look more yellow than I wanted (that one I've been freaking over for almost a week now). These things do not matter....why are they making me so anxious?

I'm also having anxiety over things that DO matter like whether or not I'm going to breastfeed. I'm freaking out over not being able to see how much she's eating. I'm freaking out over anything on that part of my body. I'm freaking out over spending 2 nights at the hospital and wondering if I will be able to sleep at all the entire time I'm there -- probably not -- It doesn't matter that I will be tired...this is not how my body works. And I have major anxiety when I can't sleep at all (thanks benzo withdrawal for your lovely PTSD!)

I'm still in therapy multiple times a week and really scared about having to reduce sessions once baby is here. I don't want to. I don't want to at all. And my therapist is going away for another week in April, and that's REALLY upsetting me because we're in crunch time now  

Basically...my anxiety has exploded. And that impacts my depression more than anything else. 

PYLWhammy

@saladflambe - I don't have any helpful advice, but just wanted to send good thoughts your way, and hope you feel better soon. Anxiety is awful, and it sucks how anxiety and depression feed off each other. *creepy Internet hugs*

arj14

@saladflambe I'm so sorry to hear your anxiety has ramped up again.  Would it be possible to have phone sessions once baby is here, so you don't have to reduce therapy time?  I don't have any other suggestions, but will be thinking of you.

mrstmoose

I haven't checked in here because my anxiety has been in control for most of the pregnancy until the past week or so. After my hospital stay, I have a real fear of having to be hospitalized again. Being hospitalized for 11 days was not good on my mental health; I need fresh air and to be around humans who aren't going to poke me with a needle! We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon and I've convinced myself that they are going to want to admit me again. I've recently become angry and me and DH have made a list of questions we want to ask them in general and then a list of questions we want to ask them if they bring up admitting us. I'm not going down without a fight and at least advocating for myself. I want to do what's best for both me and the baby. I know that sounds selfish but why be hospitalized for something if they can treat me in an outpatient setting with daily visits or something? 

saladflambe

arj14 said:

@saladflambe I'm so sorry to hear your anxiety has ramped up again.  Would it be possible to have phone sessions once baby is here, so you don't have to reduce therapy time?  I don't have any other suggestions, but will be thinking of you.

 My therapist and I have worked out arrangements to ensure that I can continue therapy even when I can't leave the house but this is a lot of change. Unfortunately, change is really difficult for me.  I don't know how often I will be able to see my therapist but I'm allowed to text and email and call so it'll be OK. I hope. 

KaKip

@arj14 , @saladflambe My anxiety seems to really have ramped back up since the end of the second trimester. I've been having panic attacks consistently, I'm doing group therapy and seeing a psychologist once a week and I'm still really struggling. I've had to bump up meds to help and I've gone back to taking Klonopin again, as supervised by my ob-gyn and psychiatrist but I'm still really struggling. Actually, I've have not been posting much for this reason... and I am really struggling to get to work and be social. My anxiety has never ever been this bad. What are you finding works for you right now? 

I have health anxiety so all the new symptoms keep freaking me out.... Anyways, I'm sending support your way and I would love to hear any ideas you all have!

arj14

@kakip - getting to work has definitely been a struggle for me as well.  That's one of the things I was trying to work on with the therapist I started seeing, but the lack of consistency with appointments and check-ins has left me without making too much progress I'm afraid.  I did start a "I Do Good Things" spreadsheet for myself that I keep on my phone and I definitely have days where my entry is "I made it to work despite anxiety /depression", and that has been helpful to look at when I've been struggling.

I also sometimes have to think of it in terms of not letting DH or Baby down, but that's a bit self-shamey so it's probably not the healthiest technique.



For those on medications - where are you standing with formula vs. breastfeeding?  I keep going back and forth on it because while with what I'm taking now there is a low chance of issues, I know a medication change is probably in the near future for me.  Not to mention that it sounds incredibly stressful and I don't know if I want to add that on top of everything else when I'm already struggling.

saladflambe

@KaKip - Honestly, I'm in therapy multiple times a week and have daily contact with my therapist between sessions. It's the only thing keeping me afloat. I will text or email him when I'm really falling apart, and sometimes, he's my only voice of reason. 

I sit in the bathroom with a hairdryer on when I'm really losing it. The warmth, white noise, and confined space calms me down. Baths help as well. Mostly, I cry a lot and just have to ride it out. 

@arj14 The antidepressant that works for me is new and not tested in breastfeeding women. If I pump or breastfeed, I will not be comfortable taking the medication. I have not yet decided if I'm planning to try to breastfeed or pump. I'm very very torn (I posted details for my reasons in the "Scared to breastfeed" thread).

rlworzalla

This is my first official check-in, since I didn't notice my depression or anxiety getting too bad the first two trimesters.  This trimester has been awful.  Pre-pregnancy I had an "as needed" prescription for anxiety medication that was taken pretty regularly, and I miss it.  My anxiety has turned into an OCD-like nature; I have to fix the bed a certain way, towels need to be folded perfectly, everything DH does has to be fixed because it's not "perfect", I have a ritual in the morning that needs to be done or I get anxious.  It's driving me crazy.  I've also lost my interest in my favorite hobby, scrapbooking.  Noises can cause me to become irrationally irate (kissing on tv, DH chewing food, etc).  I hate it!  I applaud you ladies who are struggling with more serious conditions than I am, because I find it to be such a struggle with just this!

PYLWhammy

@mrstmoose how did your appointment go the other day? Sorry if you mentioned in another thread and I didn't see it. I hope you didn't have to be admitted. 

KaKip

@saladflambe , Your therapist must be amazing. I love mine but she is part of a big healthcare network so I'm lucky if I get to see her more than 1 or 2 a month. I started seeing one in private practice recently and while I like her, she just not very nurturing or calming for me. I too have spent way too much of the past couple months just crying it out....and taking baths and reading.

@arj14 , I love the "I do good things" spreadsheet. I had bad uterine cramping last night after a fall ( I checked with the doc) so I did not make it into work today. But I did make it group therapy and I'm doing laundry and dishes so that may be my good thing for the day.
 

saladflambe

@KaKip I've been through my fair share of ineffective therapists. I went out of network to find this one. It was kind of my last try at finding one I could work with. I got lucky.

JoMunson

I'm bipolar, and I was doing really well so far, using all my skills, then I must have had a hormone surge or something. Really, I think it was a hormone surge combined with being home all week for spring break and not being on my regular schedule (getting off schedule will completely throw me off) but Tuesday I was terribly depressed and then today I was buzzing around like a little bumble bee (my DH asks me if I'm "feeling buzzy" instead of manic). I spent about $100 on myself, $50 on my baby, and I literally got paid today. I also threw a minor hissy fit when DH wouldn't take me to a third store. It took me all day to wind down. It didn't help that we had Good Friday service at church and DH was very contemplative afterwards, which I mistook for him being mad at me (thanks paranoia).
i know that when I go back to work Monday things will be better, but I'm worried about when I'm on leave starting in two weeks. I'll need a schedule!

laurenmdrn16

Whelp, was in the hospital for another anxiety attack last night. Started at 5pm and lasted straight on until 7pm of hyperventilation, vomiting, being unable to move or speak, peeing myself, and hypertonia. I left AMA because I NEED to be at work and my OB is sooo pissed at me, but after yesterday, I literally can not take a day off until I finally start my leave on Friday. The worst part was I was alone with my son for most of it and he was trying to help clean up the vomit and get me water and I just felt so bad. Then, when MH got home, he was yelling at me that I don't take care of myself and I need to listen to him because he told me to take it easy and I didn't etc. Finally, he called my sister and she came to pick me up and bring me to the hospital while MH stayed home with our son. I know how upset he gets when I have an attack because I think he thinks I can control it or I am doing it for attention. I don't know how to show him that this is real. Basically, this is PTSD. I survived a horrifically traumatic birth 2.5 years ago and now I am less than 2 weeks away from being right back on the operating table. I have flashbacks constantly of my son being blue and limp when they took him out of me, of feeling EVERYTHING (I couldn't have ANY anesthesia), of having a seizure on the table and the smell of my burning flesh as they cauterized bleeders that occurred while they were resuscitating me after my heart stopped. I just imagine my perfect Luna, who I got this far, dying at the very last minute because I failed.

Bizarrely, I think this was sparked because daycare wants a month's deposit by the end of the week to hold a place for her. I kept thinking that I can't count my chicken before she hatches, literally. I don't want to tempt fate anymore than I already have by assuming everything is going to be fine because I don't know that. No one does. There is no guarantee I am leaving that hospital with a baby, or that I am leaving at all. I could be walking to my death in 2 weeks. This beautiful illusion of a perfect family could be shattered in one moment in 2 weeks. I just want it to be April 26th and have her in my arms and be past all the wondering and worry. At one point last night I did scream that I wanted to just be sedated until she was born, but then refused any medical intervention because I didn't want to damage her.

I am at work right now and just finished my monthly report and the documentation that my nurse leader pointed out I was a day behind in (she even wrote in the email "You need to get your priorities in order". I have never had one late visit log the entire time I have worked here.) I am barely keeping it together. I am terrified she is going to say something and I am going to snap again. My coworker is begging me to go to the union because of how she treated me yesterday (I can't even get into it here), but I am so out of sorts and on edge, I just don't trust myself to not go ape-shit. I am really worried about how I may react if I have any confrontation.

KaKip

Just a quick note @laurenmdrn16 --- I'm thinking of you. It's so hard when people who don't suffer from panic attacks, anxiety etc think that "self-care" or "taking it easy" will automatically resolve our distress. I struggle with this with my husband too. I'm glad you have a coworker who supports you and your son sounds like he was a dear. Maybe it would be good to talk to you OB about your last birth experience? 

I know what you mean about planning to much for life after the baby is born. I've really struggled with this because I worry about tempting fate too. 

Anyways, I just wanted to send you my support and good thoughts!

saladflambe

Goodness @laurenmdrn16 of course you were traumatized by that birth experience! And birth-induced PTSD is a VERY REAL THING. I wish I had something helpful to say...I don't I wish I knew how to stop things or fix them. I don't.

My anxiety is intense. I cry every day. I had a major anxiety attack last Wednesday (complete also with hyperventilating, puking, and peeing myself...hm). But mine was because my therapist went out of town and I was suddenly convinced he was going to move away and I just completely lost it. He comes back tonight & I see him tomorrow, thankfully. I've been having a much more difficult time coping with his being gone than I typically do. Feels like time is running out.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop trying to avoid/run away from this (birth...becoming a mom...everything changing). It's going to happen, and nobody is going to say "it's ok - if you're that scared, you don't have to do it!" I'm just going to have to be scared. Just be scared. Sigh.

proudparent2b

@laurenmdrn16 I am so glad for you that you can start your leave at the end of this week! It sounds like being out of the office will help at least a little.

Sending good thoughts your way!

LadySamLady

Big hugs @laurenmdrn16 I'm so glad that you and Luna are OK but what a terrible ordeal. Friday will be here before you know it and at least you can remove one stressor from the equation. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Have you gone through any PTSD treatment in the past? It might be worthwhile for you to consider. I did prolonged exposure therapy for PTSD several years ago and while it was an extremely difficult and arduous process, it seriously saved my life and gave me happiness and peace of mind that I thought was lost forever.

kbrands7

Hugs @laurenmdrn16 I really hope that you can have a healing birth experience this time around and I second pp suggestions for further therapy. Hugs to you as well @saladflambe! I'm glad that you get to meet with your therapist tomorrow.

 I used to have awful panic attacks too which would then send me into full blown asthma attacks, arm numbness, etc.  (which DH didn't really understand and would get scared and/or frustrated by). Finding a good match with a therapist made such a dramatic difference-- and having DH accompany me sometimes too to gain partner support strategies made a difference too. (I've done the same for him with this therapy sessions to better support him through his cyclical depression.) 

Between past success with my therapist and having her on phone-reserve if I need her, I've been pleasantly surprised this pregnancy and through motherhood so far how much my anxiety has lessened. There are still certain things that I get concerned about and moments when I can feel myself on the edge, but it's not in the same obsessive or I'm-dying-panic that had become my norm a few years ago. I really hope that everyone who is struggling can find a treatment balance that allows them to feel confident, comfortable, and safe. 

Bellodomani

During my last pregnancy I was on Citalopram (Celexa), and I breastfed my son til about 15 months still on it. I know it's a hard decision to make, but I knew I wouldn't be able to cope without my meds and I just really felt like breastfeeding was cheaper, easier, more convenient, etc. My son seems fine, but obviously anecdotal evidence is not that valuable. 

This pregnancy I've actually been managing my anxiety- fairly successfully- with exercise and naturopathic remedies, but my life is also much more stable and predictable than it was last time, which I think has allowed me to be successful sans meds. I'm still struggling on the regular with intrusive thoughts, but the anxiety attacks have been pretty minimal, thank god. The one thing I keep stressing about is that I've realized last time a lot of my postpartum anxiety was linked to breastfeeding and the physical sensation of my breasts being full would send me into a full spiral anxiety attack. So it seems like the obvious choice would be to bottle feed, but I also really valued the bond nursing created between me and my son. So I'm torn, and I keep going back & forth in a totally unhelpful way any other STMs out there experience this feeling with breastfeeding?