Intro and my Story — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

Intro and my Story

Good Morning Ladies. I wish you all a peaceful day.
Today I am back at work sitting at my desk after 5 long weeks of hell. Let me tell you my story. Its a long one and I apologize for that, but I need to get this out! 
I would like to start by saying that I am blessed to have had 1 successful birth and I have a beautiful 6 year old Son who is my light and my world and he is the only reason I am able to get out of bed and function these days. 

Yesterday I turned 38 years old and it has to have been one of the worst years of my life so far and its only March. So In November I was very lucky to have gotten my BFP! I think at this point I own stock in Clear Blue Easy! after the BFP I actually took a test a week to tell myself that I really was pregnant. At 6 weeks I got enough courage to call the doctor and make the first prenatal appointment. They made it for when i was 8 weeks (even though they thought I was 10 week by my LMP) 4 days before the appointment I started to have some spotting, so I panicked and the doc sent me for the first ultrasound. Everything looked great and there was a strong heartbeat the spotting was caused by a sub-chronic hematoma (sp). I went to the appointment with the doc and she took another ultrasound and confirmed the due date would be 7/25 and I thought everything was great! about a week later I started to have some bad cramping on the right side only and some bleeding. The doctor sent me for another ultrasound. The baby was fine, but there was some hemorrhagic cysts on my right ovary which was what was causing the bleeding and pain this time. Things started to slowly progress. I went for my first trimester screen and the baby looked good and all my tests came back good. Also had the Harmony test done and found out we were having a baby girl! because my DS was born 6 weeks premature due to a Premature Rupture of the Membranes the doctors wanted me to have some extra ultrasounds and also to have Progesterone injections. I scheduled everything and continued with my every day life. The nurse came to my house to do the first injection and she was great. I was a bit anxious but she calmed my fears and was excited to have a nurse for the next 20 weeks who was nice, this was Tuesday 2/9, I was 16 Weeks 1 Day a week after my last prenatal visit. My whole world started to collapse a little more than 24 hours later. At 11 pm Wednesday night, i woke up as usual to pee and that is when it all begins, I lie back in bed and start to doze off when all of a sudden I feel a woosh of fluid. I knew that feeling, because its one of those things that once it has happened to you, than you know what it is, it was my water breaking. I woke my husband, and called the on call doc. She was not my regular doctor and she basically told me that there was nothing anyone can do and that I should wait till the morning speak to my doc to schedule delivery. My husband wanted to be sure that it was my water so after calling a friend so stay with DS, off to the ER we went, where it was confirmed that my water did break.
No one was positive or hopeful at all. My DH and I went home and basically cried for the rest of the night and after DS was taken to school. But then there was a bit of hope on the horizon. my OB sent us to the MFM for an ultrasound. Everyone there was honest that it didnt look good but there was always hope, There was a chance that the fluid could refill and that our princess would be OK. So off to the couch I went. My doc called me later to give me more detailed instructions on what I should and should not do and the waiting began. I was scheduled for another ultrasound the next thursday and until then I was to Lay with my feet up and drink as much as possible, i was allowed to go up and down the stairs once a day which I was grateful that I could sleep in my bed and not on the couch. I was not allowed much else, except to walk around a little every day to prevent blood clots. Thankfully my job is great and I was allowed to work from home, so that filled my day a little, but daytime TV is awful!!!! 
Fast forward a week and we go for the next ultrasound, where we see our princess that we have now started to call Hope since everyone was telling to to be hopeful and have faith! We were ecstatic because the fluid had almost tripled and we thought we were almost out of the woods. But it was still not enough for the doctors to be happy, so back to the couch I went. I was feeling hopeful and really thought we would make it out of this with a sweet baby girl. At this point I am in my 17th week almost 18 weeks. I had continued the progesterone and was drinking so much water that I did the majority of walking around to and from the bathroom!
So I entered my 3rd week of bed rest when I started to feel leaking. The doc said it could be regular discharge and not to worry too much. So I just laid about. The next Thursday my DH and I head for the ultrasound and I had a feeling of dread. My feelings were right, the fluid had decreased to less than it was when my water first broke. We had to make a decision.
After a very emotional ride to my OB's office, we sat with her and discussed all the possibilities. The doc basically said that there was nothing that we could do and even if we did make it to viability there was not chance that she could survive because she would not have any fluid to develop her lungs. 
After a hard weekend of talking and crying my husband and I knew that we had to let her go. So we made the decision that I would have a D&E done. I knew that mentally and physically I would not be able to go through labor and my doctor agreed that labor would be too much and if she were in the same position she would do the same. We scheduled the procedure for Tuesday, my doctor could not do the procedure but sent us to a doctor that does it and has a great rating. We went to the hospital and the nurses and doctors were awesome. I was given Cytotec to open the cervix and had to deal with some pretty horrific contractions. I was taken into surgery at 250pm and woke up around 4pm. I was told everything went well and that when they did the pre-op ultrasound she had no longer had a heartbeat. That was 2 weeks ago tomorrow.  
My heart is broken. I cannot even put into words the anguish that I have been feeling.
This was our last chance. I have had 4 pregnancies and only one child. and since this was the second time I had a PROM, it was decided that to try again would not be a wise move. I am sad. Our Hope is an angel now! We have had her remains cremated and we should have them back hopefully today. I am hoping that I will feel a tiny bit better once we have her home!

Thank you for listening! I love the support and comfort this site has always given me!! 

Re: Intro and my Story

  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Hope, your entire experience and for your other losses. Thinking of you and sending BIG hugs your way. I know I felt some comfort bringing my son's ashes home with us and I hope that you receive some comfort too. I hope today will be a peaceful day for you as going back to work can be challenging too. 
  • I am so sorry @Deepoet . You went through so much for your little daughter. What a long roller coaster you have been on. 

    Lots and lots of hugs to you. 
  • After being home for 5 weeks, being back at work is hard, mostly because I just want to be curled up on the couch!! But we have to move forward! 
    Thank you ladies for your thoughts! 
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.
  • Oh @Deepoet I'm still so heartbroken for you! (I'm from July, not sure if you recognize me, but also hang out here). I've been following your journey and I am just so damn sorry. So many hugs to you and your family. The loss of your sweet little girl is devastating and I hope you will get some good support on this board as we are all here due to similar horrific things. This "club" sucks but we hear you, we understand you, and we get it. 

    Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel however you need to feel. 

    I post this picture all the time but I truly believe in it.

     Rainbow baby Savannah born 5.13.16 at 30 weeks    
    Baby Cadence born still 3.24.15 at 28 weeks 

  • I'm so sorry for your loss! Thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost my little boy at 16 weeks about 3 weeks ago. It's a club I never wanted to be in but reading other story's have seemed to help.
  • @MamaBish of course in remember you from July! And I have seen you post here also!
    I am trying very hard to get through this. I find myself still breaking down all the time. I thank God every day for my husband, best friend and therapist. Those 3 people are helping me. But most people  (including myself) expect me to be getting over it. 
  • MamaBishMamaBish
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    Deepoet said:
    @MamaBish of course in remember you from July! And I have seen you post here also!
    I am trying very hard to get through this. I find myself still breaking down all the time. I thank God every day for my husband, best friend and therapist. Those 3 people are helping me. But most people  (including myself) expect me to be getting over it. 
    Oh sweetie, do not expect yourself to be getting over it. It'll be a year for me on Thursday this week and I'm still not over it. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be over it and I feel like that's ok. I won't ever forget her or be over the fact that she's not here with us. It just is what it is and I can only do my best to keep living. Be gentle with yourself, and don't put too many expectations on yourself. Sometimes it's good enough to just get out of bed and brush your teeth <3
     Rainbow baby Savannah born 5.13.16 at 30 weeks    
    Baby Cadence born still 3.24.15 at 28 weeks 

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