Need advice on blended family situation. Disciplining rowdy toddlers?

SpiderMa

I've got two 2 year olds at home so things are really crazy! I'm also very concerned about maintaining order and instilling discipline in my home before the baby comes. 

I'm in a blended family. We have my fiance's biological son and my biological daughter both primarily. My daughter goes to her father two days of the week and his son to his mother two days also. 

Living in different homes during the week makes maintaining order and routine very difficult. There have certainly been issues with hitting, snatching toys and playing rough. My daughter tends to be more calm. I believe my stepson is picking up on behaviors from his older brother at his mother's house and bringing it home, and my daughter is surely being influenced too. 

This obviously can't be tolerated with the baby here. Time outs seem to work well to correct my daughter when she misbehaves but my stepson seems very calloused to them now. The hitting and snatching toys and overall defiance really peraists and I feel it will continue to despite my best efforts because of his living situation with his mother. I wish I could sit her down and discuss a plan to get him on a proper schedule and set rules and consequenses for breaking them but she doesn't like me much and it may seem like I am overstepping my boundaries. I have him more days during the week so I think it would be good for all of us (especially him) to really get on the same page as his guardians and get some stability and consistency in his life. I got him started potty training and I am finding out she is putting him back in diapers when he goes there which is causing him accudents and shame and a lot of confusion when he returns and wets his pants. 

How can I communicate with not only her but my fiance too about this without being offensive. I know no parent wants to hear their child is experiencing behavioral challenges, especially from someone they don't like or respect much but I feel it is my place because I am his primary caretaker and we do need to nip this in the bud. 

ladyshark311

I would honestly speak with your fiancé rather than her directly. I'm in a similar situation but I have four stepkids and my two kids. Mine live with us permanently as do his, their Mom is pretty much useless and only sees them if he asks her to and it's incredibly sporadic. She has zero discipline at her house and our house is a lot of order because it has to be. They will go with her for just two days for example and it's like we have to start all over again with the rules and discipline and just behaving properly. It really has to come directly from him that they need to be on the same page and frankly she may still just do whatever she wants even if it's not the best thing. If she does then great but if she doesn't then it's honestly just something you will have to adjust to. All you can do on your end is be the most Stepmom you can and be on the same page with your fiancé in your home and have a united front there. It may not seem like much short term but in the long rumor will make a world of difference.

PrimRoseMama

Talk to your partner & he can talk to his ex. Honestly, it sounds like he's not ready to PT. I wouldn't push it before baby comes because he will regress after the big change. Really, I think you are trying to make too many changes at once for him & your daughter.

Fighting & squabbling is normal at this age. I have a 2 & 4 year old. The battle is constant & there is no magic fix. You just have to keep separating, redirecting & refereeing constantly. Yes, it's exhausting & frustrating. It's also completely within the limits of average behavior. 

You arent going to magically solve all these issues before baby arrives. You will have to cope with bickering & behavioral weirdness then too. I find removing the offending item (if they are fighting over a toy) is effective. "If you can't share this item then it goes in time out."

Do you talk to them about expectations or just punish? If you remind them of house rules constantly it helps. Honestly, toddlers have the memory of a fly. They forget all the time. I am constantly telling them, "you know we have a rule about hitting, indoor voices etc." basically you can't do that to our friends or family. Wash, rinse and repeat.

The big decisions like PT and official punishment styles for your step-son should be discussed between your FI & his ex. You trying to PT him without asking his mother is overstepping. Good luck. 

LizaKate1213

This is normal 2 year old behavior, but they are different children with different personalities and will have varying degrees of the behavior. Your stepson sounds like he is strong willed while your daughter is a little more laid back. Both of those are ok and normal. I know it is difficult, but try not to compare them to one another but acknowledge their individuality. Time outs are not effective for some kids, some children learn better with re-direction to a low stimulus activity and a simple statement "hands are not for hitting. Lets go color. (or build with blocks, listen to music, etc)." I have seen time outs just cause an increase in emotions and take a simple situation and turn it into an hour long fit. For serious infractions it might be worth it, but many times re-direction keeps the peace and is less stressful for all. FWIW, my son is 5 and I am just really starting to figure out how to discipline more effectively and with less stress than just fighting to get him in time out.

Tara0604

We have a 2 year old and only really use time out when hurt is intended. My son likes to hit or kick to test the limits when he gets angry so this is when we use time out. Otherwise we redirect or take the toy away. I've also noticed that he causes the most trouble when he is bored or left alone for too much time, ie: while i'm on a telephone call, so i make it a point to play with him directly in a fun activity when i'm done with what i need to do (or before if i can). Also, it is completely normal for a child to have to accidents up until age 4. There should be no yelling or shame involved, when they occur. It should just be a simple reminder of where we go to the potty now and then change the clothes. Children's bladders are still developing, regardless of how long they have been PT'ed, and accidents happen, which is why they are called accidents. 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but everything you are describing in your children's behavior is normal for the age. Make sure they know that the rules in your house are the rules in your house and that even though there may be different rules in other people's houses, when they are home, they need to follow yours.

jillianpardo

I think it would be best to have your partner discuss the issue with his ex. coming from a perspective of getting on similar routines for the benefit of the kids. young ones are looking for stability and routine to feel safe/secure. you will see more behavior issues when things are so chaotic (switching back and forth). talking about everyone getting on the same page with family rules and a loose schedule btwn houses would be great. the family rules should be the same to make things easier on the kids. my pediatrician gave me some tips when we were having a lot of trouble with my daughter. pick your battles, be consistent, and establish 4 or 5 family rules(really important stuff, hitting) that if broken get immediate consequences(no warnings). once those 4 or 5 are settled in you can add more. I found that method to work really well. since timeout isn't working for your son you should find something else that is a more meaningful consequence. I would definitely take extra time to explain things in a simple way to him when you see undesirable behavior. we don't hit others. hitting hurts. I won't let you hit. make sure you are eye to eye with him. tell him you love him and give a hug. you can role play with a stuffed animal or favorite toy and show him better ways to handle anger/frustration. I think the biggest thing is to let your child know that you won't accept the bad behavior and then to show them better ways to express themselves while acknowledging their feelings. it's hard to be a toddler! feelings can be confusing and hard to deal with. 

I did infant potty training(loosely) so I don't really buy the idea of "my kid isn't ready". when parents diaper they are teaching the baby where to go. it's confusing for the child to PT when going in the diaper was ok so far. The parent is the one who decides when the child is ready to gently PT. hey look another UO accidents are ok and they happen, a lot. focusing on positive reactions to going in the right places is important. misses, "ok, let's get this cleaned up and try for the potty next time." I do agree that PT should be discussed with all the other stuff. 

hang in there. toddlers are testing boundaries and its our job to set the boundaries. you guys will get through this and it will get easier. 

gatorMom2014

i don't have any experience with this, and I feel for you because I am sure it is very hard.  Something that stood out to me as a neutral third party is that you basically said the other mom is interfering with you potty training her son.  If I was the other mom, I am sure that would not make me very happy with you.  For the love of God, let the mother make those major decisions.  Worst case scenario he wears diapers longer than you would like.

good luck with everything!!