The other symptom spotting. How much do you share with your SO? — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

The other symptom spotting. How much do you share with your SO?

Hi everyone,

I'm just curious to know If you share your fears with you SO. Eg. I've had cramping today and find myself feeling scared and overwhelmed at times but not wanting to pass that on to DH. I want him to be excited and positive and not have the same level of worry. We have an amazing relationship and he is a wonderful man but I want to buffer him from this... Is that a feeling any of you have? What is your approach to PGAL brain?

Re: The other symptom spotting. How much do you share with your SO?

  • I did that during our struggles with our last baby and I ended up an emotional mess. Keeping everything to myself, I bottled a lot of anxiety and depression and it was ultimately not good at all. So, this pregnancy, I talk to him as much as I can and we always say we're in this together. Having someone else worry just as much as I do is comforting and much less lonely.
    DS Maxwell - 08/25/2009
    Wedded Bliss - 05/19/15
    MC - 05/15/15 & 7/29/15 & 11/25/15 (You were wished for, hoped for and loved)
    BFP#4; EDD 10/21/16 - Praying for a miracle.

  • I try to balance it, although H has said that he wants to know. It's difficult for me, because I want to protect him from this stress, and he wants to help share my burden. It's hard, though, when I tell him about my lack of/decreasing symptoms and his face falls. I hate being the person that makes him feel that way. So, generally, I try to share the big fears. What does your H want?
  • Loading the player...
  • I've done both. When I told him my worries, he thought I was silly and I worried too much. But I did wait a week to tell him I was pregnant this time because it was my fourth announcement (MMC, false BFP, CP, + current pregnancy) and I wanted to make a little progress first. That way I could spare him if it was going to be another early loss. I would have told him, but after the fact.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15  •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)

  • I guess it depends for me. For example, yesterday I had pretty rough cramps that felt "menstrual" in nature that just turned out to be irritable bowel type stuff. Didn't mention it because I suspected I was just BSC (and I was!) But as for the presence or lack of pregnancy symptoms I am completely honest with DH. He knows this week is especially hard as this was the timeframe I began bleeding last pregnancy that eventually ended in loss. If anything I experience is especially concerning, I will share it with him immediately. It's important to lean on each other, in my opinion. 
  • I tell DH everything and most of the time he asks me how things are going anyways. For me it's important that he knows all of my symptoms/feelings if in the very unlikely event that something happens where I'm unable to communicate with a doctor he can convey all of the information. Maybe that's cynical but it seems safe. DH and I communicate A LOT and about everything. It just depends on what is right for you and your relationship. 
  • Thanks for sharing ladies. Congrats on being PGAL.

    At least I know the way I'm feeling is pretty normal. Ultimately, we text all day and talk about pretty much everything. I'm not sure I could keep things from him because he would probably pick up that something is wrong and that would probably worry him too. 

    I guess I just need to find the balance and rationalize the symptoms in my own head and see if I stil need to talk. 

    We all must be very brave to put our hearts on the line again so I'm sure we'll figure it out!

    Thanks again and FX for sticky babies. 
  • I tell my husband every thing and he is awesome supportive. He is very analytical and if it is something he doesn't know about he researches it and gathers info. So even with this pregnancy if I am talking about some pain or weirdness or doctor gives us info, my husband will go look up some additional stuff just so he can wrap his head around it. I think it is his way of engaging in the pregnancy and getting excited but also wanted to support and protect me. 
  • Before every u/s I was convinced we wouldn't see a heartbeat and he knew how anxious I was.  I honestly think that the only way I got through our loss was together, I teetered on falling into depression, and although he was hurting too, he is my biggest fan and kept my spirits up.  So while I think their is a balance, I still tell him everything, I'll tell him when I'm cramping even if it turns out to be digestion related I want him to be included and he is there for me.
    BFP 2/11/15 (EDD 10/13/15). MMC 3/30/15 D&C 4/3/15 "We will always love you"
    DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16).  "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
    DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18).  "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
    BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21).  "Round 3 FIGHT!"
  • I'm glad this post/ thread exists. I've been internally having this dialogue so it's nice to witness others who are experiencing the same dilemmas. 

    As much as I would like to protect my significant other, it is too 
  • Woops part of it was cut off...
    As I was saying, lol....

    Its too burdensome for me to keep those fears within me. I end up lashing out and wanting to lay in bed alone which hurts him just as much. He tells me he would much rather know so he can help support me and be as present and helpful as possible
  • I've been keeping the little things (like the "hey, was that a cramp?  I think that was a cramp!" thoughts) to myself, but I definitely share my big fears with my husband.
    TTC #1 since June 2015
    BFP #1 Nov 2015 ended in MC Dec 26 2015
    BFP #2 Feb 2016, EDD Nov 8 2016

  • Our conversation usually goes like this
    "I don't feel pregnant right now and it's hard to believe that this pregnancy is gonna work out because I'm cramping and feel ok right now. Ugh."
    "I'm sorry. You don't need to worry right now. God's in control." (Sorry if that offends people. It's comforting to me.)
    "You're right. But it's just hard right now."
    "I know. You're gonna make it."

    We don't dwell on it, but I feel like it's SO important to be on the same page. I find that he can handle it better than I can sometimes, which is good. 

  • Thanks again for all the sharing. We've got our early viability scan on Tuesday... Just trying to stay calm and reach each little milestone like I'm sure you're all doing too!
  • I know the feeling of wanting to protect/spare your partner of certain things....such as cramping or basically anything especially after a loss
    But remember your in it together and he's probably just as worried about the pregnancy as you are.
    You're not alone
  • kimey1kimey1 member
    edited April 2016
    DH internalized the loss and decided we wouldn't tell his family (it's been a year and they still don't know). Between us, I've told him all the symptoms and throughout this pregnancy (I'm 37 weeks now) and he's been alert and observant to see how I'm feeling. I usually trusted my gut on spotting incidents - if I didn't feel it was serious, I didn't tell him and watched if it continued. But any discomfort/pains, cravings, difficulties I had, I told him.
    We've had issues here and there but I've shared everything with him. If if's TMI he tells me (I was reading aloud about shaving pre-labor) but otherwise I keep him informed of the little nudges, and all the pains and worries. It's taken some educating but he's cooperated and has been reading birth prep books with me so we've BOTH been learning a lot throughout the process. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards