Sister drama

Pomegranate1983

I'm not sure what I need: to vent or advice or what. Maybe both. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

Some back story first. My sister is 26, I'm 32. She started trying to get pregnant with her boyfriend 4 years ago. She had 3 miscarriages in 2 years, which is awful. It was tough for me and my family to get 100% behind her trying because her boyfriend refuses to get a job, does not have a high school diploma, and has 3 children from a previous marriage (2 of which he never sees and didn't/doesn't make much effort to get involved with). He's very caring towards my sister and is a hard worker when it comes to physical labor. She works as a CNA and is trying to go back to school to get a med tech associate's degree (I think). She had a baby last June. Thankfully she and the baby were ok because it was very high risk and she had a lot of complications going into a pregnancy (genetic disorder, blood clots, on a blood thinner, some other complications from her previous pregnancies). I love my niece very much but I will admit, the duration of my sister's pregnancy was very difficult for everyone. I know it was hard on my sister because she wanted everyone to be happy and 110% behind her. She went off meds for bipolar disorder and with that and the hormones, she could be really nasty at times. On top of that, my husband and I were going through infertility appointments for the last year, after trying for a year, and she didn't understand that I was having a difficult time personally with it. I let her know I just needed time and she completely went off on me. I went to her baby shower (and cried on the way home after being told "now you and your husband need to get going with this") and was there for her as much as I could be but she wanted me to go shopping with her, talk nonstop about her baby, get giddy and check in constantly about her. One of the major arguments in our family is she wanted to name a friend of hers as guardian. My mom and dad said they would like their grandchild to be in the family so they can be involved more easily. I got upset with her because the way she put it was "I don't think you would be a good parent to my child." It was up to my sister but besides that, I also got the impression she was choosing her friend because she was trying to get back at me. My sister and I have never been really close. I know she also resents me because my husband and I have a strong marriage and we are financially stable. In her eyes, I'm seen as the "golden child" and she has said she is jealous of the happiness and support I get from our family. My parents have helped her financially, mentally, and emotionally over the years; it is mostly that my sister doesn't like what advice they have to give her or when they disagree with her life choices.

Things got better after my niece was born and when we announced our pregnancy. We had a nice talk and I explained that I can't change what other people think as she was blaming me for everyone not being happy with her for getting pregnant. We both have different lives and made different choices. Those choices will have consequences and if people don't like the decisions she's made, she needs to either be ok with that and agree to disagree, or make different choices. Anyways, fast forward to today, she told me she is 17 weeks along and I didn't judge. I asked what she planned on doing and how she felt. I did share with her (not right after her telling her news) that we choose my cousin to be our little girl's guardian, which I knew would be hard for her to understand. She seemed to take it alright at first. Before we parted, she asked why we choose our cousin and not her. She had assumed I would choose her automatically after I got upset when she said I'd be a bad parent and my parents said they'd prefer their granddaughter being with me. I explained our reasons: being able to provide for her, lifestyle and beliefs, keeping her in the family. I know my sister would love and be nurturing to our daughter but there are other factors. I not only do not want to put our little girl in a family who is struggling to take care of their own, I also don't want my sister and her boyfriend to take care of another child when they are struggling with the children they have now. She went on to say she doesn't understand, I'm being judgmental, she now may change her will so her friend is guardian, and she feels that she and I are not family. My husband and I are confident in our decision and our reasons so we're not changing our mind. I know I can't control what she thinks or does. I will be supportive and there for her and my niece(s), and I wish I could just let all this go, but it bothers me. Another thing that bothers me slightly is my sister told me that my Mom is putting her plans in our lap. I plan on going back to work part time in August and she said she would stay with us through the end of August to watch our daughter while both of us are working. Now that my sister is due in the beginning of August and my sister said she's going to stay at my parents' new house, which is 3 hours away, after giving birth, my Mom said she wants to go back home to help her instead but that it's my and my husband's decision whether my mom goes back home or not. Ugh.

Sorry for the length. Again, not sure what I'm looking for. I just need to be at peace with all this.

KidShrink

Wow, I think we have the same life! My little (unstable) sister got pregnant on her first shot of trying, when we had been trying for over a year and going through fertility treatments. I won't even go into all the awful things she told me. The whole guardian thing never got to be an issue- at least not now. We've chosen friends, for multiple reasons (including the fact that we live 6 hrs away from our family and those friends will be like aunt and uncle to our kids). My parents live about 20 mins from my sister and she gets all the help in the world (including some likely babysitting in between my sister's return to work and the time when her daycare has a spot available). It's too bad, but we know things just won't be anywhere near the same for our baby and my parents. I've just learned to accept it and let it go. I just count myself lucky to have a great stable relationship, a great career and good supports (mainly friends)- all of which she doesn't really have. 

TheThornBird

Sorry you're going through this; my sister and I don't get along, and it breaks my heart, so I feel for you. 

One thing to think about- you acknowledge that you can't control her, yet it sounds like that's what you/your family have tried to do for a long time with your disapproval of her life choices. You even state that she needs to make different choices if she doesn't like people's reactions (or not care what they think). However, she is an adult and it's not you, your family's, or anyone else's job to enforce consequences or suggest to her how to live her life.That must feel very alienating and disrespectful to her to be treated like a child. A good rule of thumb I've found works is if you have concerns about a decision someone is making you can voice your concern once- in a loving way- and that's it. After that, you respect whatever decision they make. Just something to think about. 

Also, since you mentioned the bipolar medication- keep that in mind when dealing with her. Mental illness is very difficult for the people living with it, who often have little control over it. My sister suffers from it, and has told us she knows the way she acts is wrong but she truly can't control it and doesn't know why she does it. Between pregnancy/postpartum hormones and being on & off meds, things must be really tough for her. 

As as far as your mom- let your mom do what she wants to do. She's in a tough position trying to please two daughters and keep the peace, so she may feel like she can't really speak up and state what she wants. So if she wants to help your sister, let her. 

Anyway, not sure if that is helpful or not. Good luck with everything!

Pomegranate1983

@KidShrink  That is the point I want to get to: just accepting everything and moving on. I'm closer than I was a year ago but not quite yet yet, obviously.

@TheThornBird Last year, while she was pregnant, things did get ugly a few times and I know I said a few things I regret. I apologized for them. My Mom is the more outspoken one in our family and she can tend to get on the controlling side but she's mellowed out more over the years. When I was in high school, she was really bad. Anyways, I've taken on the stance of saying my piece and leaving it alone. When I said "deal with the consequences," I don't mean consequences adults impose on other adults. I mean it more like natural consequences: Like she chooses to stay with her boyfriend then doesn't have gas money to come to a holiday or go on a vacation with the rest of the family, or is not able to buy things she wants for her child. She doesn't use protection, gets pregnant, and has a scary pregnancy and then gets really upset when family is scared and worried about her and her unborn child instead of thrilled. It is hard for my family to see her make choices, or stay in a situation, where they know she and her daughter will struggle. We grew up in a middle class family and would like more for her and her children. I know, it's her choice and we will accept and move on with whatever she wants to do. It doesn't mean there is still some other emotions there. With the making different choices, I guess I think about my exboyfriend from many years ago. He was totally wrong for me and I stayed with him for too long. Many people raised red flags about him and there were a lot of natural consequences that I had to deal with before eventually, I took a hard look at our relationship and we broke up. It was my choice and looking back, I'm glad my family and friends didn't stop letting me know what they thought/saw (it wasn't the "you should break up with him" talks). I know with the things I said or how I acted last year leaned towards controlling and I don't want that. I told her I don't agree with her on things and that's ok. It's her life. I am not going to beat a dead horse by repeating those things. I think it is hard for her to accept that there are things me, and my family, disagree with her on too; she really wants our happiness and acceptance. She brings up those things up occasionally and I feel like we are just spinning in circles.

I do thank you for your thoughts. It does help and I just want to be a good sister and aunt and be supportive, even if she says she doesn't feel like I am being any of those things. I asked her what she wanted from me towards the end of her pregnancy last year and she said it was for me to be completely supportive and happy for her and what she's doing with her life and for her daughter. I wish I could say I could be completely supportive and happy but there are other emotions there and I'm not someone who will lie or sugar coat things. That doesn't mean I won't be supportive or be there for her.

paulmanda

I'm also sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds very difficult. I have problems with my own sister so I know how frustrating it can be. 

I agree with TheThornBird on what was said about going easy on your Mom. Try to make it as easy as possible on her, afterall she sounds like she is just trying to be loving and supportive for both of you.

As far as your relationship and communication with your sister, minimizing the effect the drama has on you is all you can control. You'll have the advantage of another very important priority soon and so will your sister. Maybe the new lives in the family will help the situation.

camillaandcarson

Leaving this here if you ever need it
https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
The reading section has some excellent book suggestions.  New babies seem to really bring out crazy in some extended family as individuals may feel they have the "right" to the baby in various forms, even though they are not the parents.  You might really benefit from starting to make good boundaries now as once you have LO it becomes harder to have the time/resources/energy to deal with it. 

michellabanana

I think after a while dealing with another person's constant drama is exhausting.  Sometimes you just built up a wall cause you know it isn't going to change.

Don't let your sister get you down, (I'm 1 of 6 so I know the drama thing to well lol).  I try not to put to much pressure on my mom csuse I know she's got all these other weirdos to deal with.  I think it makes her appreciate me more, cause I am more relaxed, I don't come to her with too heavy of problems, and I listen to her complain about everyone else.  I know that she might give extra attention to some of her other grandchildren more than my LO, but I think of it as she seeing the others as needing more help.  And I would rather be able to to see my LO as an enjoyment, rather than a responsibility.

About the whole guardian thing, it seems to be a little game to her like "who loves me most".  I wouldn't play into it because really it's based on a worst case scenario. If God forbid something were to happen her friend might not realize the amount of pressure taking on two children that are not her own consists of.  (I'm guessing her friend might be sort of like her). So in all honesty, worst case scenario, they would probably end up with you or your parents anyway.

Probably should have avoided telling her who the guardian is, knowing how she is, but oh well.  My sister told me she picked my older brother and Sil.  I've got no problem with  that!  She's got three and Bobby always screams when he sees me lol.  It's like he thinks " That looks and sounds like mom....but it's not mom!!". 

Pomegranate1983

@michellabanana  What a good way to look at it with your mom and your relationship. I have been the more "neglected" (depending on how you look at it) one of the three of us. But I do think you're right. I have been seen as the child who is more independent, responsible, and put together. She doesn't need to take care of me and the help she gives is more in advice or listening. My parents have done so much for all of us and I'll always be grateful to/of them. 

I don't think I could have avoided telling her. It would have to come up at some point. I sometimes feel like the drama over the guardian stuff is blown out of proportion because like you said, it's a worst case scenario.

@camillacarson Thanks for posting that resource. I'm going to save it because I'm sure other things will come up.

@paulamanda I too hope with us having new LOs we'll be on the mend. I've felt like since my niece's birth last June, we've had a better relationship. It was pretty terrible this time last year so anything would be an improvement. We've always been on different pages in our lives and now, we're starting to have some similarities. There are still many stark differences but hopefully our children will be a starting point to build a better relationship.