Loss of my first

mishh999

I'm 25 years old and my boyfriend and i weren't trying to have a baby but I got pregnant. I found out at about 5 weeks. I went to the doctor about a week and a half later who freaked out because I said I had slight cramping on my left side and so she did an internal ultrasound. The moment I saw that little tiny baby inside me fluttering I broke down. I knew now how badly I wanted a baby and absolutely with my boyfriend who is the man of my dreams. I then went back to the doc at about 9 weeks and had a pap done and at the time everything looked good. We then scheduled an ultrasound for 12 weeks for some regular testing. My boyfriend and I went to the appt so excited to see our baby and hear the heart beat! As soon as she started the ultrasound I immediately started to get nervous. I knew something wasn't right. And then she looked at me and said I can't find the heart beat. It looks like your baby stopped growing at about 8 and a half weeks. I lost it! Couldn't stop crying I couldn't breath I couldn't think about anything but my baby. This all happened on Jan 19th. The doc told me since the baby hadn't come out naturally yet and I was 8 and a half weeks that my best option may be a d and c. It was horrifying. But what was so much worse was knowing my little beautiful baby was laying dead inside my stomach. God that really killed me. Honestly after everything I've stopped crying so much all the time but I have some breakdowns and anxiety attacks now from all of this on occasion. A few days after the d&c I also found out I have cervical displaysia and hpv so on top of everything I've been worrying about having cancer. I finally got my first period since everything and I'm praying that in a couple of months when we try again that everything will work out this time. I don't know if I can take another loss like that. I feel like I may be crazy for being so upset and distraught over all of this but I worry I won't be able to have my own children for some reason. Did anyone or does anyone feel this broken after their loss?

m6agua

I'm sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is completely normal. You are grieving. It may not have been a person that was here physically but it is still grief. My MC was in early november. I went to a counselor from December-Feb (every 2 weeks). I am just now starting to feel like myself again.

ThePax89

I'm so sorry. 

Broken. Yes. 1837338%. Broken. Like a hole in my heart. 

roxgibbons

@mishh999 I am so sorry for your loss and everything you are describing is very normal. I feel broken and sad as well. You are not alone and even though this is not a club any of us want to be a part of, there is a lot of good support and awesome women on this board. Hugs to you.

fivetimesnoluck

Broken is a great word for it. I use it often (unfortunately). You are not alone. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can find some peace in the midst of it all. xo

cjs260

I'm so sorry for your loss. If I told you I have completely healed I would be lying, but I can say it gets easier. You'll feel a little less broken over time, and one day it'll hit you - you haven't cried in 3 days, then you'll cry because you haven't cried. The periods of not crying get longer, and the depths of despair become shorter. I'm almost 4 months out still have my emotional breakdowns every once in a while, but they are easier to handle and often end with a feeling of hope. I hope your stay here with us is a short one. Creepy internet hugs your way. 

bornmommy

I'm sorry for your loss. 

cooaladoll

Very sorry for your loss. You are perfectly normal feeling the way you do. You were connected with your baby and you loved them, even if you didn't get to hold or see them. Do feel welcome. 

roper2617

So sorry about your loss. I remember feeling so betrayed by my body when I had my MC. I really struggled with that feeling of betrayal for a while. I still have days where I'm overwhelmed with grief, but they're becoming further and further apart. 
Try not to be hard on yourself. It does get easier. 

Af2013nl

So sorry for your loss.  Your feelings are completely normal.  I know for me the brokenness feeling dissipated over time, but that sense of loss never goes away.  You have experienced loss and are grieving.

Kay6519

I'm sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is completely normal. I was devastated when we lost our first. Let yourself grieve and be kind to yourself. I hope you and your SO find peace and healing soon.

GhanimaAtreides

I'm sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is completely normal. I needed Ativan to control the panic attacks from July through the beginning of November. The attacks were everyday (usually when I was separated from H while he was at work) and then less and less. I saw a therapist to work through the issues that were put on the back burner with the Ativan, but at least dealing emotionally with the loss during appointments was on my terms, when I was comfortable. She ended up discharging me after 4 months and I also took 6 months off via Paraguard. 

I highly recommend counseling in addition to the support group here. Are you able to see someone?

mylittleversailles

Very sorry for your loss. I also lost my first pregnancy very recently. Everything you are feeling - and everything you will feel is normal. I hope you seek help through this difficult time and that you find healing. 

silentP

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just devastating and not fair. We are here for you.

catiecatp

I'm so sorry for your loss - hugs and love sent your way

megsbrock

So very sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story with us. My advice would be to let the feelings, whatever they may be, wash over you and really feel them....then slowly you might be able to start letting those feelings go.
Hugs.

mickcole

So sorry for your loss OP. I had a MMC in December at 8+5 but didn't find out til 10+4. The first week was the worst and it slowly started getting better for me after that. You'll have moments of unbelievable pain but they get further and further apart. 

Just know it's not your fault and you are not alone! Hang in there x