TTC after 35

DP is not on board with TTC. very sad day.

So, my DP let me know last night that he doesn't want to try for a baby.  I thought (based on previous conversations that I must have misunderstood) that he was into the idea, although I am 37 and he is 39.  He has lots of reasons...he says our daughter (who would be 6 when hypothetical baby was born) is too old now for a baby sibling, and I missed my window of opportunity by not seriously wanting one until now.  He said he can't stand the thought of taking care of a newborn.  And that siblings wouldn't necessarily be close in any way, especially with the age gap.  He doesn't want a boy...and obviously that might happen.  And most of all, he doesn't want an autistic child.  He seems to think that this is very likely (we do have a couple of autistic individuals in our families, but nothing extreme).  According to him, we have a functional family now and run a real risk of ruining our family dynamic--and, by extension, our lives--by introducing this new "thing" which may or may not turn out to be neurotypical.

I also had to hear about how I am not capable of formulating a clear sentence when speaking, am not a good listener (to his long monologues), am not around enough for Evelyn, don't give Evelyn enough space, am not mature/responsible enough for a baby in various ways, am not happy enough in general, and haven't done nearly enough with my own personal goals.  All of this was upsetting but not as bad as the idea that I missed my opportunity for another kid and a future sibling for Evy.  I'm sorry to say I threw his box of weed on the floor and generally acted like a spoiled child who has been denied a promised toy.  Right now I am burning with shame and regret, not least for the cash I wasted on opk kits, vitamins, etc.  Good thing I have a some wine for later.

So, that's that I guess...looks like I'm out.  Honestly, I am also scared of having a disabled child, and his real terror of this possibility is quite infectious.  The thing that really bothers me is how he told me I missed my chance by waiting too long.  I guess it's true, in a way, but it's awfully hard to hear.  I just feel so empty.

good luck girls and thanks so much for all of your help.  especially you rspalding001, you have been really great.  best wishes, love.


Re: DP is not on board with TTC. very sad day.

  • I'm so sorry :'(@ferlanna
    That's really heartbreaking. I wish I had something more to offer in the way of support. 
    Thinking of you xoxo
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • I'm so so sorry  :'(  how terrible that he not only told you no but also felt the need to tear you down at the same time. I wish it were better news but I suppose it's better to know how he feels now as opposed to later. At least this way you can regroup and move forward. If I have any advise it would be to find something big you can plan for. Something like an amazing vacation or an adventure. If it were me in your shoes I would need a project to focus on while I tried to come to grips with this new reality. I know it's just a band aid on a much bigger wound but keeping busy will help you move past the emotionally rough spots.

    Good luck to you and I wish you all the happiness :)
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  • I'm sorry to hear that you're not on the same page about this issue.  When you typed your intro I was concerned for you both maybe not being on the exact same page...sure wish he would have been more clear sooner since you already got into the mindset of trying.  I understand your concerns and his, too, and maybe it is best to focus now on something positive you are working towards, whether it's improving relationships, improving yourself, spending time with your daughter, etc.  (I'm in no way saying what your husband said to you wasn't hurtful, but it at least gives you some jumping off point to maybe put your time and energy into other things.)  I wish you the best!!!
    Me: 41
    Husband: 40
    TTC#1 since 9/2014
    Unexplained Infertility - Trying naturally
  • I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    I don't like how down on yourself you sound and the way your partner talks to you.  There is nothing wrong with wanting another child and spending money to try to do it healthily- so please don't feel shame about that. As far as the sibling thing goes, my H is 8 years older than his sister and they are much much closer than I am with my siblings who are 2 years younger and older than me. 

    Finally, I can't let that autistic comment go without commenting. First of all let me just say that yes, the chances of having a child with special needs is higher over 35 than it is under 35. That being said at 37, you still have a MUCH  better chance of having a child with no special health care needs than you do of having a child with special health care needs. People get so focused on the risk increasing that they forget that the risk was miniscule to begin with. Pregnant over 35 does not equal pregnant with a special needs child. I just can't let that stand on this board without challenge.

    Again, I'm so sorry your partner isn't on board. Please take care of yourself and think about getting counseling if you continue to struggle with this decision. 
  • @thistle8677 @rspalding001 @jennh75b @chloe97

    Thanks so much for writing.  @rspalding001 , your idea of a project is really good!  Thank you for mentioning this, keeping this in mind will be a big help.  Luckily for me, I am knee-deep in big projects right now, so I will take your words seriously and try to focus on these projects with a little more whole-heartedness.  Honestly I've been too distracted to do a killer job on them, and it's some pretty important stuff I have on the line. 

    I am still fairly unhappy, especially since DP has been very critical, scornful and aloof for the past couple of days.  I just can't seem to do anything right, and of course that makes me even more self-conscious and clumsy than ever.  Also I am compulsively still using the op kit...which will be a double heartbreak when I get a positive LH reading.  Oh well, I will just put my projects to the front of my brain and attempt to do an amazing job on them.  That will show him/me/everybody  :wink: 

    Also, @chloe97 , I totally agree with you.  I believe the risk for you and the others on this board is tiny.  I think most of his/my autism fear is not stemming from my age or DP's age, but comes from the fact that he works (as a teacher) with severely autistic kids, so--in his subjective perception-- it seems to be more of a risk than it probably is.  Also there is the question of heritability, since it seems to run in the family a bit.  Plus his rasta-level pot habit.  I think, given these variables, that the 1-in-45 number (which is the current prevalence of autism among children in the US) gave him (and me) a more pessimistic outlook than is probably warranted.  So anyway, this is pretty specific to us and our situation.  That being said, I know plenty of spectrum kids/adults who are totally awesome and cool...but I'm sure you understand what I mean.  I know this is a pretty private and even embarrassing thing to admit to being stressed about, but I guess an anonymous forum is a reasonably good place to get it off my chest.  Sorry if I managed to offend anybody...I really just wanted to talk about a personal problem and I hope it wasn't too insensitive of me.  :neutral: 

    Okay, well, thanks so much again!  Who knows, maybe there will be some kind of reversal and I'll be back.  That would be pretty sweet.  I am feeling slightly less bleak tonight, after a mini-walk on a totally frozen beach...I have to remember to get out into the natural world more when I'm alone.  I'm grateful that the world is so beautiful...

  • I'm so sorry and hoping that was a (very rare) vent session and maybe he will change his mind after a break. Your DP sounds like he's rationalized the pros and cons and is being very practical. But it also sounds like there's a lot of stress around the topic for him and he felt the need to go into the conversation being defensive (and offensive). There are a lot of unknowns and it can be scary. However, several of his objections point to possible foster/adoption of an older child (maybe just 1-2 years younger than DD). Just a thought. Also, I'd save your kits! Stash them just in case you need them in the future.
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