Not sure where to go from here...

HLD3194

I recently had a M/C and have been having a hard time accepting/dealing with it. I got BFP 1/1/16 and EDD was 9/15/16.

2/2/16 saw lil peanut for the first time and then later that week had some light bleeding and went in 2/5/16 but everything was perfect. 2/9/16 had a follow up and again baby was doing just great. Moving and heart beating. I was scheduled for an apt 2 weeks later to do some blood work and testing. 2/23/16 rolls around and u/s revealed no heartbeat and baby stopped growing about a week prior. I believe baby passed 2/14/16 (don't ask why I just have a feeling). I had a D&C 2/25/16 and have been having a hard time since finding out. We were TTC for almost a year and to have baby pass at almost 11 weeks has been very hard. Friends and family have been very supportive but I just want my baby back. People tell me time will help to heal my broken heart but I honestly don't see how. I know it has only been a little over a week but I just can't accept it. Any advice on how to heal?

BrightenMySky

*hugs*  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is a really hard thing to deal with--it is devastating and it sucks.  All I can say is give yourself time to grieve and do what feels right.  I know what you mean about just wanting your baby back.  You don't need to be ok now, but they way I think of it we will all be ok eventually, but our "ok" will be different.  I never want to forget this baby.  

I also had a d&c after finding out at 11w that there was no longer a heartbeat.  I was due 8/18/16.  We had been TTC for a bit longer than a year and had been doing fertility treatments (let me know if you want to talk about that process, details are in my signature and I will answer any questions I can).  I think time will help with healing...sometimes I feel now like I am more of a balance of sadness and love rather than the sheer devastation that has been so prevalent over the past few weeks for me.  I got a bracelet to memorialize my loss.  Talking to my husband has helped and his support is incredible.  Posting here, both getting and giving support, has been really important to me as well, so I am glad you found this place but so sorry you find yourself here.

iceandsnowflakes29

That time will heal crap is BS IMO. I still think about all of my losses and they still hurt and some were 2 years ago. On a similar note, my dad died 4 years ago (he was only 52 and  it was very unexpected ) almost 4 years later, I'm still raw with his loss. So no, time will not "heal it". It will get better, eventually you'll feel functional... and will have good days. But there will be bad ones, too  

I don't have any advice, really. Except that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and to take as long as you need. Don't let people rush you to "get over it". I'm so sorry for your loss (hugs). 

Eta I feel bad now. I saw @BrightenMySky 's reply about time healing. It WILL get better. It just won't go away- ya know? I didn't mean to come off harsh. Bad day for me. I'm waiting to miscarry, and my dad's birthday is around the corner which is always a trigger. So I probably sound really Debbie downer at the moment. 

BrightenMySky

I think time does heal but we are never the same, does that make sense?  I definitely agree it does not go away. And I don't think I'll ever "get over it," I'll learn to live and function with this new and sad part of my experiences.  And sending you extra hugs @iceandsnowflakes29.  Sounds like a really rough time made even rougher by your dad's birthday.  

AL_TwinCities

@crazypt2285 I'm so sorry for your loss. For me, time did not help with my first loss, when I wasn't actively trying to work through my grief. A year after that loss, I finally got a tattoo to commemorate the baby, and acknowledging the loss every time that I look at my wrist has been so helpful for me to start healing. With my second loss, I tried a different approach and have been reading books about grief and loss, and journaling - writing to the baby. I feel like this pain has become something that I can manage, because I am actively trying to work through it this time. 

@iceandsnowflakes29 ((hugs)). I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I can imagine that would just exponentially increase the pain and sense of loss you are feeling right now. Thinking of you!

HLD3194

iceandsnowflakes29 I am so sorry you are going through all this, especially all at once.

@al_twincities I actually just bought a journal to begin writing down my thoughts and prayers. I feel like it will force me to stop and think about what I am writing instead of typing quickly and not forming thoughts completely. I think once I fill it up I'll keep it with what I have of baby, which is only 3 ultrasound pics. When we got home from our apt after I found out baby had passed I threw away my pregnancy test. I think this will really help me explore all my emotions and to help heal.

I am so glad I found this community of women who truly are out to help one another during these sad times. It sucks it's under these circumstances but it helps to make a shitty situation manageable.

::HUGS TO EVERYONE::

HLD3194